To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

[zebra1304]

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

Sometimes I find it really hard, sometimes I don’t. DD1 didn’t sleep through the night until she was 3.5 and I think it’s hard to imagine what that level of sleep deprivation does to your physical and mental health (not helped by the fact that second appalling sleeper DD2 came along when DD1 was 19 months old, so two sets of wake ups). I certainly had no idea before having children how much that would affect me.
It’s not unreasonable to be pissed off at people moaning all the time though. That would be tedious whatever the subject. Sounds like you don’t like them much anyway so hopefully you’ll be away from their company soon.

Just noticed you are a nanny. I don't suppose you will be still caring for those same children in the same way in 30 years time.

'Hard'? It really wasn't that 'hard' physically or time wise. And financially, we didn't really have to struggle other than once when DH was injured on the job and was off work for about 2 years. I'd say it's emotionally exhausting more than anything. There's always something to worry about or a decision needing to be made that needed careful consideration. But the rewards and joy far surpassed any trouble. Never for one second have I ever regretted having children. Mine are grown now and I look at them with pride and happiness.

But as my dear BiL laughingly says "You couldn't give me a million for the ones I've got, but you couldn't pay me a million to have another one!".

I was a full time nanny doing 60 hours a week, loads of overnight stays and looked after kids with special needs. Not 9-5

You're clueless, OP. That made me laugh out loud. There are 168 hours in a week! If you only worked 60 you had the majority of the week (108 hours) off to relax, recover, sleep, have your own interests etc! And you were getting paid for it, so had the money to enjoy the time off.

Comparing that to being a parent who may only be getting a few hours sleep at night as their only time off, and may not be able to afford to work so has money worries on top... it's frankly ludicrous.

I still think having kids is brilliant. But it's way harder than any job I've ever done and I used to work closer to 72 hours a week in a physically and emotionally demanding healthcare role.

I find it so difficult, I have 3 kids 11 9 and 5 and my dss 11 is not mine.

I think it's harder when they are your own as your time is not your own, things usually don't go to plan and also you need to remember that most kids behave differently in nursery settings.

You wouldn't believe the contrast that I experienced with my dd when she was at nursery, butter wouldn't melt! But when she was home she was a little rascal!

As a mother with a young one you've likely had minimal sleep for god knows how long and therefor you're knackered most of the time and even the simplest of jobs and playing with little ones becomes similar to climbing a mountain.... not only this, one bad night sleep leads to one lazy day and then things start to build up massively.

I think lack of sleep is the main issue with parents of little ones... now my kids are older I am coping better but their arguing and bickering, wants and demands are practically endless... that's fine, I expect it, but it doesn't mean it's not tough! I still have to factor in time for myself and chores. To get back on top I have started expecting my older kids and even the 5 year old to help me. They hoover for me, my 5yo puts washing in the machine for me and carries the dry lot upstairs and actually they like to help.

I don't see how someone who works in childcare where all their time is dedicated to engaging the child and likely working in a team of other equally well rested women and men, who doesn't have kids of their own (so has slept well for as long as they can remember), and gets paid for it, can criticise a parent who is moaning about finding it tough

Moaning about it is a good way to vent as there's no getting out of it, and a good way to relate to others going through the same thing.

Having kids is a choice but you never know how your kids are going to turn out and behave.

Having experience in childcare prepares you for lots of the practicalities and mundanity of having children.

What it doesn’t prepare you for is the emotional responsibility. You might think you love your little charges, but once you have your own that love pales in comparison. It’s insane how much you love your own children. It’s amazing, but also quite draining at times. You can never ever switch off from this. They are always on your mind, even when they are not there. Planning, hoping, caring and worrying, worrying, worrying. I’m not a particularly anxious person but I worry so much for my kids.

Add in SEN, illness, lack of sleep, behavioural problems, money problems, relationship issues, lack of support. Is it any wonder some of us have a moan occasionally?

I still think having my children was the best thing I’ve ever done. I had mine in my mid/late 30s and spent my time beforehand living wonderfully. I’ve travelled the world, lived in several countries, had a high flying career. Done some brilliant things. None of it was half as brilliant as my kids

I still have a moan sometimes though

gosh - am blown away by the empathy shown on this thread. Parenting is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done. I find it incredibly hard, I have no support (apart from DH) and threads like this make me feel like shite. Am only glad that I don't have these cruel 'don't know why some find it so hard and moan all the time' posters in my life, and am especially glad that the OP does not work with my children.

If it wasn't for peppa pig, I don't know how I would have coped... my dd is now 9 and still wants constant attention... peppa pig was the ONLY thing that gave me a mental break

ps - if not already clear - I was being sarcastic when I said I was blown away at the empathy shown....

It's relentless and expensive and wonderful.

The only time I have felt run ragged from it all was when I had a baby and they were going through difficult sleep phases. When you are running off just a few hours a night everything feels difficult and shit, at least for me it does.

Otherwise, being a parent has just been something I accept as my life and have got on (mostly) without moaning. I don't have a child with challenging SEN or behavioural needs though.

@ButterflyWitch You're not. I go through periods where I cry most days over something and feel like I'm failing in every way possible. Other days I feel like I'm a great Mam; the housework is vaguely on top of, I've done nice things with the kids, I've not had to put the baby down to scream while I see to something urgent with the toddler or vice versa.

*not alone that should read

@Merryoldgoat Thank you, that's really kind - not sure how to PM on the app though She's bright & communicative but just seems to be very sensitive & easily over-whelmed in comparison to other children her age (meltdowns/screaming etc) and it's worsened this year to the point it's quite limiting in terms of what we can do. No asd markers to my knowledge but definitely some sensory issues. No family support & not enough sleep. Anyway I'm definitely in moaning territory now

As Spikey says, it does feel like some children are more straightforward to care for than others.

For me, as a LP to a 2 yo- the baby isn’t hard; the hard thing is juggling FT (very involved/ involving) work in a demanding role, toddler, domestic chores etc.- with few breaks and approx 5 hours sleep per night.

Add to that constant money worries and a child prone to illness and yes, I do fucking moan. Not about DS - about the impossibility of doing and being everything, all the time.

"is being a parent really that hard?"
OP goadingly asks on a site called Mumsnet.

I don't think anyone can dispute it's hard, I also think if you don't have kids then no you can't appreciate how hard (I don't have kids and would never claim to know how hard it is... I see my friends who have kids and am often grateful that I can do what I want when I want! It looks bloody hard!) but the issue is that these people the OP is talking about are constantly moaning. At the end of the day it is hard but most people do it! They're not special or any different to most families who have kids. Of course people have a moan to vent, but some people do just moan and moan, these sound like those kind of people. People with and without kids have problems and various hardship in their lives, but sometimes, especially if you have invited guests into your house, why would you ruin the time with your guests by constant moaning? Some people are very glass half empty, that's just life. I'd just choose not to spend time with them in the future where possible.

What people without children (in childcare or otherwise) do not understand is that when the children are actually yours you CANNOT switch off. You don't go home at night and forget about them for a few hours.and then pick up again the next day. You cannot switch off in the same way. That bond of responsibility and worry is 24/7 and it's lifelong. That is the difference, and if you have no children you have not experienced it, even if you think you have.

What people without children (in childcare or otherwise) do not understand is that when the children are actually yours you CANNOT switch off

You mean what SOME people without children don’t understand...

I think it just depends on circumstances and individuals, like everything else in life. My circumstances are very different to my sisters circumstances. I'm a single parent to two with no help from ex, which is a situation i didn't want nor choose. That's hard. I'm also studying for a healthcare degree so working 37.5 hours on placement too, so that's hard. DS is difficult on the best of days (possible ADHD).
Parenting wouldn't be as difficult if it didn't come alongside tonnes of housework and big expenses, but it does.
The one thing I hate more than anything else is the constant bickering. If that went away, for me at least, parenting wouldn't be half as difficult.

It has its darkest darkest moments like you wouldn't believe but it has its absolutely amazing ones that makes it worth while and you do come out the other end happier

Working with children is honestly nothing like having your own. I find other people’s children easy but my own at times exhausting/frustrating/draining. The worry and the guilt. I don’t complain about them but I don’t find parenting easy. I’ve worked in nurseries, as a nanny, in schools and I now work with parents and children. It is not the same.

Isn't your thread OP all about moaning!
Do you ever moan about work? Why are you still working there?
Do you moan about your partner? Why do you still date?
Do you ever moan about food shopping? Why don't you do it online.

Bloody silly thread.

You mean what SOME people without children don’t understand..

I think, as in all areas of life, some people are more understanding than others..but I truly don't believe that anyone really knows that feeling of constant total responsibility until they have experienced it. It's unlike anything else I have ever felt, and I have worked in childcare pre and post children.

And they are incredibly expensive. Unless you have family to help out then you either lose a wage or spend a fortune on childcare (£100 a day here for a nursery or childminder & £30 for before and after school care).