To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

[zebra1304]

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

Come back and be a goady fucker when you have your own OP - and your own worries and your own financial strains from not being able to afford to work/childcare at the same time because you're not earning 40k a year and neither is your spouse.

You sound like a knobhead friend tbh.

Great post Merryoldgoat. Can I ask why you found ages 2-4 hell and what changed? I'm finding my 3.5 yo incredibly hard work - and very sensitive. Hoping things will get better.

Honestly OP you sound like you just want to have a good old dig and a moan yourself, so I'd have thought you'd empathise!

I had a right good moan the other day about the DC and things relating to them. Some days motherhood drives me up the wall and I wonder if I'm even cut out to be a parent (like today when they're both poorly, and I put pepper in my drink by mistake). Other days I ace it, and our life looks like something from Pinterest. As with anything, it's swings and roundabouts. Everyone is entitled to vent occasionally.
I also have an EY and SEND professional background, and although I was a lot more prepared and realistic in my expectations of parenthood than DP was, nothing other than their arrival can prepare you for how emotionally draining it can be sometimes.
Still, whatever the topic, it's boring to hear the same thing on a loop, so YANBU

I've worked for years in early years and I have found having children very difficult indeed.

Not having a fun time at the in laws’ OP?

I was a full time nanny doing 60 hours a week, loads of overnight stays and looked after kids with special needs. Not 9-5

Just 60 hours...... no real clue at all then really. You got to walk away and have days off and no real worries or stresses about development, friendship groups, illnesses, what they will become, their safety when they first go to the park alone or walk to school alone, why they are late home...... add to that expensive things that can go wrong-boiler breaking down, illness resulting in lost earnings, plumbing disaster or whatever, then suddenly that term of swimming lessons/new pair of shoes or whatever can seem expensive because spare cash is in short supply.

Doubly hard if child has any SN.

Why do people keep having them? Because the love and joy that fills your life when you have a child makes the difficulties all worthwhile.

I think you just really dislike the person who is moaning and that has nothing to do with the topic.

I agree.

OP the people around you who are moaning do sound rather nasty and not that clever!

However, no matter how much you deny it you keep making out that you know what it is like having children. No, you personally have experience of looking after someone else's children. For 60 hours a week. That is nothing.
The hard part of parenthood is the relentness of it. You have a bad night, you have to keep going. You have a bad run of sleep,, you have to keep going.

There is no break ever. You don't get evenings off,you don't get weekends off, you don't get annual leave. You don't even get nights off. You get worn down and sapped of energy.
You also have the worry of the kids' mental, emotional and physical well being. When you just look after kids, that sort of stuff isn't left with you, certainly not long term.

And this is all without long term illness on the part of the parent or child.

I could go on forever. You struck a nerve because I have a sister and an aunt, both childless, who think they could do better. They have no idea.

I’ve got 2 under 2. I don’t find it that expensive because I have family for childcare but I find it incredibly difficult. Physically and mentally.

I work as a primary school TA with children with SEN and going to work is like a spa break, I love it. I often find myself saying ‘it won’t be as hard when my own children are 7/8/9’ but the reality is being a parent is much harder than working with children.

Some days I find teaching 30 4year olds easier than parenting my 4 squabbling children. There are easier stages to parenting and harder stages but all of them are expensive, rewarding and exhausting. Never get complacent there is always another tricky stage just around the corner. Never ending puberty being the most difficult so far.

What's wrong with being pissed off with people moaning all the time? Whatever the topic, it's tedious.

I'm qualified and have worked in childcare for 12 years. I find parenting really hard. It's the relentlessness of it. The constant worry and guilt. Sleepless nights- both my children were terrible sleepers! And all the other 'background' stuff that constantly needs doing like housework and laundry, while working and doing school runs and homework and everything else.

Yes my qualification and experience probably helped in some ways but really it's in no way the same as looking after other people's children, who you can hand back at the end of the day!

BUT I don't moan about it constantly.

@thehairyhog

I think it was the communication. For full disclosure my oldest has HFA which I started to suspect around 2. In many ways he’s always been quite good but very wilful.

At 2 he was still waking multiple times in the night, wouldn’t feed himself, stopped eating previously loved food etc.

Then around 3,5, after starting nursery (at the school) he became much easier - he speech was phenomenal, he could tell me what he needed etc and his personality really kicked in. I also learned better coping mechanisms.

He’s a truly lovely boy and watching him with his baby brother is amazing - he takes cars over to show him if he’s upset, tells him it will be okay etc.

Also, up to then I was constantly worrying about him but once he stared nursery the teachers were lovely and really cared for him so well he flourished and I relaxed.

What are you finding hard?

Please PM if you’d like to - I’d hate to be thought of as moaning

There are some people that love to be martyrs to parenting. In reality, yes parts are a challenge but you accept them when you decide to keep the child.

It’s tiring having to worry about and put the needs of others before yours a lot of the time.

It’s other people to consider in all your decision making.

It’s having to be responsible on your bad days rather than hiding under the duvet.

It’s the cost of several people instead of one for holidays etc.

It’s being bombarded with what’s right and wrong in parenting.

It’s being controlled by the government and society in when you have to go back to work, when you can take your holidays etc.

It’s the realisation that children are yours to worry about forever, it’s more than having just deciding to have a baby.

And as for why we might have more than one - despite it all you make a family. You watch that newborn become an independent grown up, you get hugs and love and laughter along with the stress, worry and tears. One day you may even have grandchildren to sit and snuggle with while your children do the rushing about and worrying!

I don’t know any parents like that. Bad luck for having to spend all your time with them OP, it must be awful

For me, it's not easy, but I wouldn't describe it as hard.
It's constant stress and worry about their wellbeing (more so with youngest having heart problems). It's financial strain due to cost of childcare and having to go part time at work.
BUT it's constant joy at seeing them grow up.

When will anaphora become a capital offence? It isn't big and it isn't clever.

In response to your comment about people looking at their finances before having kids...

Nobody should be forced to not have children because childcare costs are so extortionate. My son has been in childcare for a year, 3 days a week, in a small town, I pay £750 per month. We have been told we can't buy a bigger house because the nursery cost is seen as a 'risk' as it is far more than a mortgage.

It pains me monthly, but it didn't stop me from trying for a second baby. When this baby is born and I go back to work, we will be paying over £1200 per month for 3 days per week, and that's WITH funded hours. That's my entire wage, but I do that because it'll be what's best for them, and because when DS1 starts school, I will (hopefully) still have a job, rather than starting from scratch.

I moan about it, I struggle to come to terms with it, but I wouldn't allow it to stop me growing a family.

Being a parent is the hardest job I have ever had. Regardless of whether my child is in my arms or in childcare, your mind never allows itself to switch off.

It's all circumstantial. You have children, things change, it can be difficult, but it's rewarding.

It depends upon individual circumstances - financial, support networks, particular child.
I would also expect you to know from your job that some children are straightforward to care for whereas others take far more effort.

I can't say I found it very hard, though it can be very tiring if you don't have good sleepers.
And I have to say that I think paid childcare - when you can go home at the end of your shift, have relative P and Q and a proper night's sleep! - is a rather different thing from 24/7, or going to work plus early mornings and evenings with them every day.

IMO it's a bit like paid carers of people with dementia thinking it's not all that difficult - until they find out the hard way what it's like to live with
it 24/7. I have heard more than one such say that despite their paid experience they had very little idea.

OP unless you were working 168 hours a week and staying over every night then it's not the same. I presume you got to go home, and got time off?

You didn't have the financial responsibility of the children you looked after either.

Not all children are the same. Some have illness, disabilities, difficulties. We choose to have children, but those of us who have ill or non NT children didn't choose that.

They are tiring, expensive and relentless. But also wonderful and fulfilling.

Maybe you just caught this person on a bad day.

@Gettingbackonmyfeet really interesting list of questions. I'm now wondering whether I'm getting it all wrong because I literally don't ask myself a single one of those questions

I've found parenting pretty ok overall but mine are still young. Nearly one and nearly two. I'm tired. My youngest is an awful sleeper and my eldest has had health problems but on the whole it's been ok. Maybe it's because I don't second guess myself.

And I'm tired of parent bashing threads.

On a parenting site, no less!

Children differ, my eldest was super hard work until he was at least 4. Youngest seemed like a breeze in comparison.

How difficult it is also depends alot on your personality. One of the hardest things for me has been anxiety about my kids and judgement from other people (and there's always someone). I know other people are much better at brushing off judgement and don't have issues with anxiety so they probably find things easier.