To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

[zebra1304]

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

Read this thread back if and when you do have children and you will understand .

Also sometimes when people ‘moan’ about things it is light hearted - do you never moan about anything? Do you moan about the weather but choose to live in this country? Do you moan about work but still go? Well parenting is a bit like that - enjoyable a lot of the time, challenging often, miserable sometimes and necessary always when you have kids, so people let off steam with a good old whinge! And if it’s people you are with that are moaning constantly as you say, exercise your free will as you want would be parents to do, and go elsewhere so then you won’t have to come on here to moan about it

Who are you talking to 24/7 that only moans - who are you with that much?

Because no one I know does. No one.

Maybe the person thinks you’ll be a sympathetic ear when they’re finding things tough. Boy were they wrong.

Is this the first time you've met your partner's family? If you find it unpleasant then make some reasonable excuse and go home! You clearly don't like them at all, so why put up with it?

This is about these particular people. It's odd to have a rant about parents in general as a result!

A couple of people in my circle had 2 kids because,

1 - had a crap first birth and wanted to 'right the wrong.' She doesn't even like the son she ended up with but loves telling people about her brilliant second home birth experience - just how SHE wanted it.

2 - Was 'cause they wanted a boy. Got another girl. Thems the breaks.

I know a further person who has had 3 boys and is talking about getting pregnant again to try for a girl. Again, doesn't seem to like the first 3 kids much.

So my conclusion is some people just have more than one to satisfy their own needs.

Others, however, do it for rather less shitty reasons!

I was a nanny doing similar hours to you in my pre-kid life, and in a lot of ways parenting is so much easier, and in other ways it's so much harder. It is very, very different though. The choices you make in terms of discipline and how you talk and interact with them will shape them for years to come, and if you fuck up then you have to deal with the fall out. That is an epic responsibility.
We have no family support where we live so we make big budget decisions so I can have a few hours a week guaranteed time to myself. As an introvert I have found having the constant demands of a toddler surprisingly draining, even though I knew what it was like to do it 12 hours a day, 5 or 6 days a week. Throw in unreliable bedtimes, or unpredictable nap schedules and it can be very difficult to not feel like you're being held hostage. And my daughter is actually a very easy child!
How other people organise their finances is up to them but I feel very uncomfortable saying people without means shouldn't have children. Obviously it would be ideal if every child was born into a financially secure household, but, um, that's not reality. I haven't found kids too expensive yet, but we only have a 2 year old and since I'm at home we don't pay nursery fees (though me not working is a financial blow in itself).

It's the relentlessness of it that wears you down over time. No one thing is that hard but lots of little things every single day for years. My almost 3 year old is a bugger to get to bed, it's often 10 before she goes to sleep. My 1 year old gets up at 6. That's a long old shift and means zero time to myself. They're wonderful in many ways and things will get easier but sometimes it's very hard.

OP! The thing about working in childcare versus having your own kids is that if they are yours you have to take them home with you, they live with you, all their messy crap plastic belongings live in your house too, you have to SPEND money to look after them instead of being PAID money to look after them. You don't get lunch breaks when you can sit down quietly and eat your lunch and have a coffee without being interrupted. You don't even get to have a wee in peace. You have to take them with you when you go out at the weekend with your friends, which means you can only go to watch cartoons and other rubbish films and eat in places without tablecloths.

I could go on, but I won't, that's enough to think about.

I think it totally depends on your financial situation, parenting style, family support and then of course the temperament of the children themselves.
My two are teenagers now so well passed the need you all the time stage but even as youngsters they were pretty easy going.
We have great family support too and so always managed at least 3/4 weekends away a year without them either me with the girls him with the lads and at least 1 together
Though I think the biggest reason it wasn’t hard work and relentless was the term “mum guilt “ hadn’t been invented and there was little social media !

I've just got one and I find it hard. He's wonderful and I don't really moan about him and do enjoy being a mum. But I do find it hard.

I think you just really dislike the person who is moaning and that has nothing to do with the topic.
As many PPs have said, different people have extremely different circumstances, people lose jobs, financial situations change.
Not all babies are born in ideal situations but people manage. And moan. Or not.

I have a 'moan' about the cost of some child related things in the same way as I say have you seen the price of butter/milk/bread these days.

I can afford my child, we have a fairly good lifestyle, its still a bit of a pain to have to fork out £50 for a pair of decent school shoes when I wouldnt spend that much on my own.

I don't moan constantly, I'm too busy. Maybe your family have just had too much time on their hands and the opportunity had arisen for a bit of a whinge- fesr

@Merryoldgoat I could introduce you to a couple of people who do exactly that. All the time, it's exhausting!

Can't possibly generalise here- everyone's experience & family life is different! Some people have it easy, some unbearably hard - for billions of reasons. Same with most things in life. Most parents go through an ever moving mixture of the 2 throughout their journey - we certainly have.

On the one hand, I agree that people shouldn't constantly moan about their children & seemingly fail to find the many many joys about being a parent yet keep having them, BUT...you can't possibly know what kind of parent you'll be until you are one!

It's hugely annoying as an exhausted, self-doubting, worried (about SO many things!) parent to listen to a child-free person scathingly enquire, "How hard can it possibly be?"

I worked in childcare for 5 years before having my son, none of it prepared me for parenthood because there is a HUGE difference in being responsible for every aspect of another person's existence 24/7 in comparison to 60 hours a week with team support breaks/holidays/sick days.

I found it hard but was in a stable relationship, we both had money coming in and a roof over our heads so we went for number 2 then everything came crashing down.

DS was diagnosed with Autism, anxiety and depression with suicidal tendencies, my daughter was selective mute so I couldn't leave her with anyone and DH had a complete mental breakdown which resulted in him being unfit for work and having to live outside the home which also meant that I couldn't work as my hours were not childcare friendly.

So yes. I do find parenting THAT hard.

I found the baby stage to be a massive shock and unbearably hard but I had PND, DS had colic and reflux and I had no support network. The toddler years are easy just physically tiring. Childcare is crazy expensive.

I have decided to stop at one as for me I can really enjoy parenting with one and I would highly recommend it :)

Does my head in as well OP and I do have kids.

Whine, they wake early. Grumble, they need a bath. Complain, they cost money. Moan, I don’t sleep as much.

Yes, it's relentless. And I don't care how long you've worked in childcare, because it's not the same. You don't have the emotional investment in the kids, and you don't have to take them home at night!

Come back when you have your own kids!

Mostly we are just letting off steam when we vent - it's for self-preservation really! The joys usually outweigh the shitty bits though.

I have a 2 year old and so far its been pretty easy, can imagine with 2 it'd be harder

Hmm. It sounds to me like you need a new job OP.

Truth be told every child is different and every parent handles parenthood differently.

We have a lovely well natured, good sleeper little DC but it still is unbelievably hard. What I wouldn't give for just a day off just once..

As for the money. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Who can ever really afford childcare without it stretching them to the bone? Or if you earn less than you're paying, is it worth going back to work. It's a lose/lose situation and the childcare support from the government is terrible! Almost no support until DC is 3.

Try a little empathy OP, or if it's really that bad, you could try another employer...

Children are expensive when you chose to make it expensive. We can say no as parents, but most of us don’t want our dc to be the odd ones out. So we buy the clothes, the electronics, etc. Then it gets expensive!!

The thing is though, is that when it feels that hard it feels like it will never end.

Christmas is harder than usual, regardless.

Working in childcare is only relevant if they trapped you in the Nursery for years on end.

I should add that we have found a steady ground again (for how long who knows!) and I go to work looking after children with additional support needs for a break from my own

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Not getting proper sleep for years takes a toll you can't imagine unless you've been there. But its also the best thing I've ever done (hence going back for more!).

I don't think working in childcare is at all comparable unless your shift was 24/7 and lasted for years. With no breaks/holidays ever. In fact it wouldn't be legal to work someone as hard!

Obviously some children are easier than others, and some people can afford more childcare than others etc so you'll get varied responses, but yes, it can be extremely hard!

as others have said - depends on so many factors! I'm a LP who had horrendous PND and no family support nearby plus a child that woke me up on the night for 2.5 years - it was exhausting! I also had no breaks or financial support (and was trying to run my own business on top) or help from the father.

Don't judge others who have a hard experience. It is probably due to multiple factors and if you don't have support or an escape from your kids it can be hellish.