To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

[zebra1304]

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

I never truly understood the meaning of 24/7 until I had kids, I never appreciated the unending anxiety and constant nature of motherhood.

I work full time in a stressful demanding job and have 2 under 3, neither sleep well (I average about 4 hours each night!!) - my kids are full on, feisty, testing but so loving and sweet - it is a constant challenge to keep them on track and be nice/kind/polite Hunan beings whilst keeping their independence and spirit.

It is exhausting, I'm tired, I'm broken and sometimes I need to moan. Either help them or stop seeing them - people moan when they need help, so instead of moaning on the internet about moaners, do something to support them.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say having a baby is easy

Not easy but the unending moaning about how awful parenthood is can be quite draining.

People with no kids moan all the time. Prices of holidays, of nights out, hating their jobs. How they wish they were SAHP.
I have children with autism, the kind where they can't control their emotions and rely on me constantly, never sleep and don't understand danger. I feel I have the right to complain and let the stress out.
You are a goady twat

sizzle moan away.

But people who only moan about their kids are fucking boring tbh.

It is a very very English thing to complain endlessly about your lot. Other countries tend to just go with the flow a bit more. It just gets a bit tedious to hear about how shit life is alllll the time.

Agree IAm

I also think where kids are concerned some people want to show how very much above all that they are. Their huge brains can’t be stimulated at soft play and parks. Only galleries and books will do.

I wish I'd had someone to moan to the first time I experienced the hormonal rollercoaster that is post-partum with seriously ill newborn too scared to ask if my db was going to die!

My HV was amazing in those early days and did keep me sane, just about. It was shock and awe from the get go and took months and years to recover properly. Sleeping sat up with nb on me waking at every pause in breath and snuffle.

Those that worked in childcare with my DC always commented on good behaviour and pleasantness, despite very long days there. At home completely different DC. Which is why I am a bit at those who comment that haven't actually got DC.

I suffered pretty much in silence thinking I was just clearly quite a shit DM and not cut out for it. HV said not though and was my one shining beacon through deep dark days of struggles with that first time experience.

For many there just isn't enough support, our lives are so much more insular than close communities used to be.

Many other mammals birthing live young (which pp made flippant reference to) live in communities and have pretty much functioning offspring. Dogs for example all come into season together and therefore birth together and get help from others in the group.

phone agreed. I remember Lily Allen saying something like ‘I was hardly going to sit around playing with plastic toys all day’ like that was the shittest, most beneath her thing in the world.

Women’s work is so often denigrated.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say having a baby is easy

It's not because we don't exist, it's because we tend to keep quiet...

It is hard, there's no getting away from it. It's totally life changing and as others have said the 24 7 responsibility is the biggest part of that, it is all relative though and if you have lots of help, an "easy" baby it's going to be far easier than being an isolated single mum with a child that never sleeps for example. Before I had kids I asked myself the same question, how hard can it be? I think it's important people are open about how hard it can be as many parents, contrary to your experience, pretend it's all a walk in the park.

I’m on your side OP. Raising kids has become overcomplicated — it is actually so simple most animals do it.

If only it were that simple. All animals need the right environment to live, be safe, hunt & feed their offspring...but only baby humans can’t walk for months after they’re born, and so cannot leave the nest until they are fully fledged a decade or two later (sometimes more). We also have the educational system and social services to contend with 😜 that’s on top of the sleepless nights for the first 3 years and the flack you get for being either a financially poor parent for staying home, or an absent one for going out to work. Can’t bloody win! Kids are great though, especially with a supportive partner who is on the same page. There really is nothing like experiencing your own kids grow up, despite the crap parents have to go through. That’s why people keep having them, I think!

Sizzle, please feel free to “moan” whenever you like

Why are human parents being compared to animals? Seriously? People need to get real. Don’t see many dogs holding down a full time job, paying a mortgage, food shopping, cooking, looking after a house, constant clothes washing, helping with homework and drivibg their pups around to friends/clubs etc throughout the week/weekend?? Unless I’ve missed something. Yes animals are parents too, blah, blah, blah- It probably is easy for them!! What do they do? Sit around licking their arses all day!. Wild animals just have to hunt for their food, lick their young a bit and the rest of the day they pretty much do bog all. Plus they are mainly in packs of some kind. And who looks after many animals : humans, in many cases parents of humans, so that’s one more job to add to the list. As it’s been eluded to, parents have it harder nowadays than years’ ago because in many families both parents work. Looking after children and a house full time is hard enough but throw in a full time stressful job and it’s non-stop. No disrespect to anyone else but working mums have it hardest I think. We do a job and do all the other stuff around the job plus try to be great mums- doing nothing to the best of our abilities. So pardon us if sometimes we want to have a bloody good moan. We deserve one. You people without kids have no idea. I love my kids. They’re amazing but it’s HARD. Don’t ever insult a parent, especially a mum tbh to say it’s not hard coz it damn well is. Mums deserve medals. Yes we choose (not always I know) to have kids and we may choose to work. I work to help provide a good life for my kids coz life costs a lot . I think life is more stressful now, the cost of living is more expensive compared to our parents generation (mine are 70) and when you have children the cost is pure madness. If we didn’t have kids though and didn’t do all we do the human race would die out. So we are allowed to moan a bit while doing our bit for mankind. TBH it really pisses me off when a childless friends moans about being busy. I just listen patiently and think “oh get lost you have no idea what busy is” you non-parents might not like that but it’s the truth. Rant over but for goodness sake to question how hard raising kids is is ludicrous.

... and as I said before- being a parent is very rewarding and amazing. That’s why people have more kids because it the best yet hardest thing you’ll ever do in life.

@Butteredghost
If you put your own needs first of course it’s easy

SB74 pretty sure I was busy before I had kids. Pretty sure I'm busy at times now. I also have times when I've got bugger all to do! And seriously, it's not that hard. Washing, playing, cooking dinners, dropping to activities, birthday parties, Christmas, fall outs with friends. I can think of lots of things far more difficult.

Maybe it’s also related to how hard your life was before. I had a massive awful slog through my 20s (hospitalised for mh probs, no family contact etc) so tbh anything after that was quite fucking ok by me.

@zebra1304
From your rants I’m guessing you’re young and maybe slightly jealous of your employer as she “doesn’t give a f about money”,
I’m sure she does.
If earning £40k to do what SAHM’s do for zero doesn’t give you some insight into one of the many differences between paid childcare provider and parenting then you must be incredibly thick.

If you don't want a mini me and you running 'round, tell him to put something on the end of it. Easy as that. The pill has been available since 1960. Plenty of ways to prevent having kids. Most people, men and women, are grateful that they have been fortunate to produce. They've 'joined the club', they're one of the sheep, they feel 'normal' having children. So.….quit moaning.

Sb74, being a parent has actually given me opportunity to slow down and become less busy.

I honestly don't know how I coped pre children with my lifestyle. I was on the verge of burning out constantly, whereas now I live at a slower pace.

sb74 are you ok? You sound very upset about the animals thing? Did you raise it in such an affronted way as a result of my pp about it? (Which was as a result of a pp referencing how if animals can do it so easily why are we making such a fuss type sentiment - when in fact the mortality rate in litters is very high, they are not exactly doing it with ease either, and it takes considerable toll on the body too).

The average sleep loss in first year of a babies life for a parent is 1000 hours.

That, and the fact that pp who do childcare haven't just contributed 9 months worth of physicality to a developing baby and birth it, then deal with horrendously broken sleep whilst their body recovers and has continuing blood loss and producing milk to sustain this little life.

I think that part of the process for DMs is often neglected in people's minds just what the DM has been through and how long it can take to recover from birth.

I am very grateful for being a parent I would never change that but anyone who thinks or says it’s easy is talking crap. How can life slow down with kids? I’m not out partying - I’m not talking about that - my life has slowed down that way and I’m completely fine with that. It’s volume of work created by having a family, bringing your children up and everything that comes with that and doing a demanding job whilst trying to balance everything. I had a busy life before kids too but nothing like now. It’s all changed- busy in a different way!! I think the majority of parents would say it’s hard but it doesn’t mean we don’t want it. I adore my kids. Parents that make out it’s a walk in the park are either lying, have a lot of help, don’t work etc- don’t know but you must have something going on. I don’t really care what childless people think tbh because you don’t know what you’re talking about. Can’t even be bothered to read all the post about animals. It’s just pathetic to even make a comparison.

Mrs Ryan gosling - well I don’t know what you’re doing but I certainly don’t have times when I have bigger all to do. Maybe you don’t work or have an easy job? Either way sure you’re in a minority.

*bugger all

Sb74 so you never have time when you re say....wasting time on mumsnet ?
if thats the truth tho that you never have any time to spare...then you ll have to improve your time management skills.
I have kids and don t agree its the hardest thing in the world. people like to moan a lot. there are hard parts as good parts.
as well bullshit on losing 1000 hours of sleep in the first year.thats due to obsessing over bedtimes and putting babies in their own bed/rooms. if animals did that they would be extint within years.
we may have to learn a thing or two from other mammals.