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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

610 replies

zebra1304 · 29/12/2018 13:01

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

OP posts:
Flowerpower220394 · 30/12/2018 20:16

I work in Childcare and I love children but I'm not sure if I want kids, maybe that will change or maybe it won't. Judging by what parents say to me about what they have to put up with when they are with their kids, it seems bloody hard and expensive. I take my hat off to parents tbh.

winniestone37 · 30/12/2018 20:36

Gosh you're naive and smug, what @AssasinatedBeauty saus. I hope ypu have kids and they never sleep...

salsah · 30/12/2018 20:36

Lots of things are hard. I imagine that training for the Olympics is also hard but rewarding. As are kids. It would be much easier not having kids. They have a massive personal impact on parents and that’s obvious - both good (hopefully mostly good) and bad (sleep, money, bickering in the back of the car, selfish etc etc). I don’t like the eye-rolling moaning about kids but definitely indulge in the give me a gin and tonic I need a break kind of moaning. I think it’s sort of an earned right to moan about it. But we would moan silently to ourselves if we didn’t have them. For sure.

Michellelovesizzy · 30/12/2018 20:39

My little girl just tured 4.... she has been very hard work over the christmas period and i have been moaning. Its my own fault really she is the only grandchild on both sides and got loads of presents loads off attension not enough sleep and has jusg been a really pain.

Littlechocola · 30/12/2018 20:43

I think life can be hard whether you have children or not.

Kaybush · 30/12/2018 20:44

I have two, aged 11 and 14 and it was only a bit exhausting when they were both very young, but the rewarding bits far far outweighed that. I also have a supportive husband though, which counts for a lot I think.

For me the most unexpected bonus was the joy of not putting myself first anymore. Believe me, putting everyone else before me has actually been the most rewarding thing about having kids. Trying to make others happy is so much simpler and easier to do than trying to make yourself happy!

sarralim · 30/12/2018 20:59

Ah. OP. Life's nuances of grey seem sorely missed on you. And now you're not even returning to your own original moaning 'question' (statement rather, because I fear you haven't got a curious bone in your body.) Think a bit, OP. It's not dangerous. Feel a little bit too. And then take a long good look around at the world outside of your nanny-walls of black and white.

Wavingwhiledrowning · 30/12/2018 21:20

It's not necessarily 'hard' (not like my job which requires constant, quick decision making with very real impacts), but it's relentless. It never stops. And you never, ever feel like you've done it right. The pressure of being responsible for a whole person (or people) is huge. Don't under estimate what being a mother does to your brain. In normal life I am a very successful professional. As a mother I have severe PND and anxiety. It wouldn't matter what my day job was - being a mum is tough! (but brilliant).
But I'm also careful not to moan too much. Close friends and family have gone through hard times with children and losses. I am very, very grateful for what I have.

healzam · 30/12/2018 21:27

Maybe baby was an unexpected surprise.

Grace1972 · 30/12/2018 21:34

Maybe the relatives need a little empathy and validation. That can go a long way. If your attitude is that they have absolutely nothing to moan about, even if you don’t say that overtly, they will pick that up at a subconscious if not conscious level. Probably doesn’t feel very nice to have someone who considers themselves a top expert at childcare refusing to understand that it can be a struggle. Maybe try to really listen with an open heart to the struggle they are having. If they feel heard then they might not keep trying to get validation. Worth a try anyway.

cavycavy · 30/12/2018 21:36

I found it incredibly hard because I got post natal depression. I like to think that, if my mental health hadn’t been totally fucked, I would have aced the first 4 years.

PND now gone and I’m still shattered and overwhelmed by the sheer relentlessness of being a parent.

But, at the same time, it’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever done. Nothing else comes close.

Must admit, I probably do talk more about the difficult stuff because it’s kind of therapeutic.

LeSquigh · 30/12/2018 21:38

It all depends on your circumstances I think. I have two, one of which is a toddler so it’s mayhem. We are lucky in that we don’t need any paid childcare but that is due to the fact that we both work shifts, including nights which means we are fairly exhausted all the time without bringing kids into the equation! I don’t feel my kids cost loads but that will likely change as they get older wanting electronics and branded clothes. It’s very hard work and I feel like I can’t cope a lot of the time but however hard it is it is worth it. Wouldn’t have any more though!

backinthebox · 30/12/2018 22:02

One thing I have learnt as a parent is that you don't comment on other people's parenting style. OP has experience of looking after children but hasn't had her own, so has not learnt this nicety yet.

If it helps to understand, OP, I fly jet airliners for a living and was 2nd in the national championships of my sport this year (an endurance sport that needs me to put in a couple of hours each day commitment on top of childcare and work) and still the hardest thing I do is juggling the needs of my children. When I fly, I get to my destination and my job is done - parenting is never done though, there is always the next thing that needs organising. And when I compete I get recognition, prizes and a sense of achievement that are somewhat lacking in the parenting goals of making sure I have got enough money in the kids school dinner accounts and all their sports kit is clean.

nannykatherine · 30/12/2018 22:34

i’ve been looking after other people’s Twins from newborn up for 60 plus hours a week for my whole career .. i’ve had ten bloody pairs of them so agree when someone with one child complains
i’m like 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

celticprincess · 30/12/2018 22:47

Well I find it hard. I was married and we had decent jobs when we had our children. I’m now divorced and work part time. One of my children is under assessment for Autism and has many difficulties. The other child is still young and constantly on the go. I rarely go out as most of my couple friends have stopped inviting me and I also don’t have anyone to look after the children most of the time. He does his bit but works weekends which is when I’d go out. He has them when I work - drops them and breakfast club which costs us money. On my days off they are with me meaning I rarely get to sleep past about 6:30am. When we were together we would take turns getting up on a weekend or days off. My parents are older and struggle so don’t go to stay very often. His parents live 120 miles away. My salary has halved due to me working part time. Full time would cost too much in child care. My salary is spent on mortgage and bills etc with very little to save or spend on luxuries.

So to all those people who say you should’nt have kids if you can’t afford them, life changes, people change. Kids may come with extra needs most people wouldn’t factor in. Social circles change. Demands on time change. Personalities of children can not be predicted or determined. The once happy family can be gone quite quickly.

I love my kids. I’m happy enough with my life. I do moan. I wouldn’t change my kids. I don’t regret having them. But this wasn’t the life I signed up for when I had them.

Oh and it is human nature to moan. Everyone does it.

squeekums · 30/12/2018 22:49

Cute op, a 6 hr day at work is nothing like the 24/7 at home.
It is expensive, it is hard and downright draining.
I have stopped at one and i still feel all these things, a 2nd would bury me. I had no choice in the matter, i found out i was pregnant at 27 weeks

Thats not to say it isnt fun, cute and awesome watching hem grow but as an introvert its damn hard when i need recharge time and space.

squeekums · 30/12/2018 22:52

@nannykatherine

"i’ve been looking after other people’s Twins from newborn up for 60 plus hours a week for my whole career .. i’ve had ten bloody pairs of them so agree when someone with one child complains
i’m like 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄"
Oh bugger off, be thankful your in good mental health AND again, work is nothing like home 24/7. You can still hand hem back ad go about our merry life.

Twinkle7 · 30/12/2018 22:54

Being a parent is hard. It's exhausting, mentally, emotionally and physically. 1 kid (7 in my case). It sucks the living soul out of you. Unless you have perfect kids. If you do and you've managed to mould the perfect kid, kudos to you!! After 17 yrs I'm still trying to find the answer

Bettybeautiful28 · 30/12/2018 23:18

I spent much of my child’s second and third year trying to make sense of how incredibly hard i was finding it. I talked about that a lot. The first year with the mat leave was fine despite lack of sleep. She was portable, didn’t argue and tantrum, there were things I could do to look after myself and connect with others. Going back to work I found really hard. Slowly becoming more and more depressed.
Maybe your in laws are trying to make sense of their situation. Maybe they are seeking support. Think about your judgements as one day you might be horrified at how insensitive you currently are. Perhaps these people are depressed/feeling the impact of the total lack of space in their marriage/yearning for some support/a break/some sleep. Perhaps they are slowly dying inside because they have lost how to look after the self. Perhaps the enormity or being a parent leaves them feeling crushed at times. Everyone’s experience is different. As many have said the quality of relationships and the support around you have a massive influence as does sleep (or lack of) and the temperament of the child.
Dig deep and find some empathy. You never know how the twists and turns of your life will leave you needing kind souls around you.

onegiftedgal · 30/12/2018 23:22

It really is simple in that you will never understand until you have your own children. Whether you work in childcare or not, the relationship that you have with your own children is very differentired and ultimately with the children you look after, you do not love them.
With regards to why people don't stop at 1 child. Well, who wouldn't want their DC1 to have siblings to grow up with. I think, IF you have a choice, then to just have 1 child is not fair on them at all.

Crummyfunnymummy · 30/12/2018 23:30

My friend (a mum) was asked what her hobbies were. She looked astounded and replied: I’m a mother. My hobbies are silence and going to the toilet on my own.

So true!!

Bettybeautiful28 · 30/12/2018 23:34

Perhaps the moaning now is just a phase. Children are for life. The snapshot you have had around their Xperia’s fee is just a snapshot in time. Surely you have enough sense to understand why people have more than one child even when they know how hard it is. Perhaps it didn’t feel as difficult with one. Lots of factors could have influenced how they are experiencing parenting. Perhaps they trust it will get easier. Perhaps their relationship has reached a crisis point. To be honest I don’t know why I’m writing this you don’t sound like someone who Is open to understanding from others perspectives.

FairyFlake45 · 30/12/2018 23:42

I totally agree with OP. No one forces you to have kids...if you can afford to do it financially and emotionally and are ready to change your life to work around them, it’s a joy! It’s a very special time that flies by, way too quickly, and you should enjoy every minute of it. If you’re not in a position to be able to do that, then don’t?

mrspalomar · 30/12/2018 23:59

if you're bored of the adults, maybe you should go play with the kids instead

Sb74 · 31/12/2018 00:01

Yes it’s bloody hard work, exhausting, life-changing and stressful at times, esp as they get older, and it is expensive - kids do cost a fortune but I wouldn’t change a thing. I love my two with all my heart and even though they drive me mad half the time it’s also very rewarding to have them and the best thing in life. Nothing prepares anyone for being a parent. I’m sorry but only parents can understand what it’s really like- no amount of experience with kids is anywhere near the same.