To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

[zebra1304]

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

I am so grateful you raised this. I was unable to have children for medical reasons, but as if this weren't bad enough, friends go on and on about their terrible terrible sufferings as a mother. A favourite phrase is "it's the hardest job in the world" to which I have to control myself very hard not to say something like "Oh really, compared to, say, being head of MI5? the police force, the prime minister???"

It’s knackering emotionally and physically

You get in from work. No sit down with a nice cuppa. It’s bang straight into job no 1 and they don’t want to sit and watch tv because mums home so hurrah it’s Harass mum time.
Then the endless mess and washing to do too
It’s hard in your body. Carrying them about bending kneeling.

24/7 and then if they aren’t good sleepers it’s even worse

But mine are big now and much easier. They still make mess tho and I still feel like a laundromat
But I wouldn’t change it

I work in childcare, and have a child.
I think people are naive to say the two are completely different. I found the transition to parenthood relatively easy largely due to my childcare experience and knowing what to expect, and that was in spite of having a very difficult child.
Child are mentally and physically exhausting, and the mental load is even greater when they’re your own.
Parenthood is hard, but I don’t think necessarily keeping them alive is the tricky bit.

Babies are not that hard unless they are ill or not sleeping etc. I think.it gets a lot harder and more expensive when they start secondary school with a mixture of hormones and wanting the latest things! It's at this time when most parents wish they had only had one child lol

I have 3, ages 5, 3 and 11 months and some days i find it no trouble, other days it’s draining, exhausting and relentless! Tbh though I find the older 2 harder work than the baby! Different for everyone and I think it depends on the child. If dc3 was my first I would have thought it was a piece of piss she’s so chilled out and happy! Dc1 has been hard work from day dot!!! (Takes after his dad )

It's difficult, it's wearing, it's constant, it's thankless and every childless adult has complete empathy fail that it might actually be an additional stress to have a child as well as a job, house and the general pressures of life.

It is of course the opposite of all those things, but the second you suggest it is enjoyable the childless adults all assume you're telling them they are somehow missing out

To be honest the expense is not so bad when they are little, but as they get older clothing prices go up and up. My dd is 10 and knows what she likes, now I am not one of these parents who believes in designer but because her shoe size has gone up to a 2,I have to buy her trainers in a 3 and there is a £20 price difference. Add on top of that childcare and the general exhaustion of being a working parent and always feeling like you’re not caught up and/or don’t actually get enough time with your child, well sorry sometimes we need to vent a little. I am sure you are very good with children, but kids never behave as well at home as with others either, and that angelic child you see could be a completely hobby little shit at home.

OP - you have been at this families house for a week???? I wonder how much help you have actually been while there???? Dare I suggest that it might be nice to suggest that while you freeload at their expense that perhaps it might be a nice gesture to say to them that you understand that they are exhausted - why don't they go out for a nice meal, trip to the pub or drive to a car park to catch up on some sleep while you and you OH babysit for them - after all you are keen to point out that this is what you are qualified to do!!! I know that hosting guests is an expensive and tiring business, before I had kids I never worried about it, now I literally spank away 80% of my salary on childcare fees so that I can go to work I am much more concerned about budgets and costs. Perhaps their comments are less about moaning about been parents, and more of a passive aggressive way of saying that you are more work and more expense on top of their commitment to their children. You complain about them quite a bit, but please take time to consider whether your visit has piled on more stress and pressure to them!

I’m afraid working with children IS different

1. you have evenings and days off when you are not responsible for those children. The only break I get away from my child is when I go to my high pressure job
2. you have the children for one stage! If you work in a nursery then you don’t deal with the school age kids, they move on. No matter how hard they are, you only have them temporarily.
3. you’re not (as) emotionally invested. If my child is upset it almost physically pains me. If he is badly behaved I am mortified and apologetic and then have to beat myself up about whether it’s my fault. I have to constantly wonder if I’m getting it right. Most people working with children have a policy and procedure to follow for any situation.
4. presumably you chose childcare because you’re good at it. I’m not. I try BLOODY hard and love my little boy more than anything, but I find it so hard. The people who say they don’t, great but it is ok to have kids and feel like you’re out of your depth and it’s hard!

Don’t get me wrong; I don’t understand people moaning incessantly about their kids. I waited a long time and suffered some significant losses before having my baby so I am loath to complain but I really don’t think working with children is the same.

Sorry gobby.... bloody auto correct gives me something else to moan about😬

My first child is so incredibly easy - every element from personality, needs, education, etc - my second - WOW! Now understand why having kids is so hard!! Doesn’t change the love felt or given but energy levels - woah!

God yes.

Was hard for me. Exactly 24 months apart and continuous PND that almost had me sectioned. It’s not always how difficult children are but the ability of parents to handle them.

Doesn’t this raise the obvious question? Why is it so much harder to parent now than 50years ago? Because then children were for the most part, loved and cared for but they weren’t the total focus of family life. Parents were building lives from the wreck of 2 world wars and each family member played a part in that betterment. Children are so much happier when given some responsibility but as a society we are now too scared to let them have freedom. This plus the constant pressure and stimulation of external forces such as social media etc makes parenting stressful and exhausting.

This thread is huge but I’ll chuck in my 10p worth....

^difficult/expensive/tiring*

Difficult - it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and thinking back, I’ve done some shit. It’s a constant wrangle of anxiety, elation, concern and happiness. It’s a rollercoaster of trying SO hard when my best isn’t enough and a situation that is always moving. As they get older, it’s difficult to keep up. I’m sure balance is the key to parenting, shame the scales are so fucking slippy.....

Expensive - you plan your finances, you make sure you can afford it and it’s about 10x more expensive than that. One is manageable, two is bleeding me dry. That gets harder as they get older too, you just can’t factor for it.

Tiring - well, I’m currenhly averaging 5 hours broken sleep a night at the moment and that’s been for the last 18 months. You could say I’m pretty burnt out.

As to why people have more than one, there’s no easy answer. It’s personal to each family. I have my reasons for having a second but I’ve never been a ‘broody person’ so I don’t particularly understand why people keep going. I’ve acheoved what I wanted to having 2.

As for moaning about them, I don’t. I might show concern occasionally but o never moan. Getting to have my two DDs was a hard won battle. I couldn’t moan about them see you when they’re teenagers...

Ha! I was a nanny too, pre child. Also primary teacher. I also thought I knew what it would amount to. I cringe to think how judgey I was to parents. Think about a 'normal' but fairly bloody traumatic even so labour, ending in fairly normal amount of stitches, followed by furiously trying to breastfeed, lumps, bumps, mastitis and pain. Followed by many many weeks of bleeding, followed by many many many months of sleeplessness. All while feeling like all you are doing is failing. Nannying is nothing compared to being a parent. Being responsible for everything. The buck stops with the parent. And don't even start me on going back to work. The feeling that you are sub par in every aspect of your life. And the bloody guilt! All that... And I wouldnt trade one minute if it. My child is my treasure.

Its so easy to talk about how hard it is. It's much harder to explain the worth if it. Life just looks different to me now. My priorities are completely different. And I am so much braver. Because I know I have to be. Ultimately, my child depends on me for his very existence. But that bravery and responsibility is relentless and takes its toll.

I remember when I was an au pair at 23, being very impressed with my child rearing abilities as opposed to the Mom and Dad of the children. I recall coming in from a weekend off and finding holes put through the walls or bright red nail polish tipped all over the light coloured carpet and thinking the parents are a bit incapable for the kids to run riot like that in their care. They would never ever do that under my responsibility. They were good as gold, all because I was such a child whisperer.

Then I had my own child a few years later and ahahaha what a revelation. They would listen to anybody else and ignore me. They would go all respectful in a teacher’s presence, but once home give me back chat. They would reserve the worst unappealing behaviour for me and their Dad while being model child at school/ for strangers. Sometimes at parents evening I sat there wondering if the teacher is mixed up somewhat and whether it is really my child they are talking about.

So OP is in for a rude awakening. I think it is actually worse going into it thinking you are competent. Because babies and children are a rule onto themselves. Parents know this well, so are a bit more compassionate. Unfortunately, there isn’t a baby manual which you can follow to the letter to ensure a guaranteed good outcome. Indeed, parents of more than one child will tell you that the tips and tricks which worked for one baby are completely useless for their sibling. Parenthood is a most humbling experience. It teaches you sacrifice, empathy, compassion and patience.

@missbloomsbury Also it was rare for both parents to work, so no juggling a career and family (saying that, I personally would find being a SAHM much harder than I do being a WOHM) plus the majority of parents had extended family close by as moving far away for work was less common. And finally, I’d say most women started their families when they were younger - I am much less physically fit than I was in my early twenties, which I’m sure makes a difference to tiredness levels. Obviously some women are fitter in their thirties than in their twenties but as a general rule, we deteriorate rather than improve as we age.

I found raising kids bloody hard. Why did I have them? I honestly didn’t realise how hard it would be and how much it would cost and I’m sure a lot of people don’t realise as you often only see the good bits within other families.

I find parenting two of my children relatively easy but my adult autistic son I find exhausting and it makes me wish I’d never had children to be honest!

Come back when you have these things OP

Some maturity
Some empathy
Some kids

You're a child yourself to even ask these questions. Jog on with your self righteous judging.

Myself personally thought I would be a mary poppins kind of parent.... like how hard can it be. You love them they love you.
You play, eat, shit and sleep right?????
WRONG!!!!
Now in all honesty I LOVE my kids and I don't know what i would do without them honestly. But I flip from looking at them playing lovely and being lovely sisters..... to jumping up and down on the spot and pulling my hair out.

Parenthood is relentless. Give me any one else child to look after and they are usually darlings... as mine are for every one else other than me 😑 my theory in this is no e know how far they can push me. To other kids you are unpredictable.
Childcare is a ball ache to find and afford.... I rely heavily on my mother, who does have them but does her fair share of moaning about it from time to time.
You NEVER get a day off and work is actually my downtime. It's actually easier than juggling and 4 and 5 year olds mood swings and demands.

BUT I wouldn't change being a mother for the world..... although a lil quiet time would be amazing lol

It's hard, it's relentless, it's exhausting. I have 2 18 months apart, for nearly 4 years I've been pregnant, breastfeeding or both. My second won't sleep longer than 2 hours, he still breastfeeds like a newborn. We've just had a month of tummy and sickness bugs too. I'm finding it really tough.

Trying to compare 24/7 looking after your own kids with working in childcare 8 hours a day handing the kids back to their parents isn't really the same thing. Until you've had kids and understand how hard it can be maybe keep your opinions and thoughts to yourself. Oh and we had another because although it's the hardest thing at times it's also the best thing we've ever done.

It is very hard work but extremely rewarding that’s why people keep having them not to mention how magic it feels that you can create, grow and nurture a little human!