To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

[zebra1304]

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

Of course it's time consuming having a child. Not sure about hard work describing it though. As to being expensive, it's like everything in life if you can't afford it don't do it or have it. There are a lot of females who don't have childrebecause of either the commitment or financial aspect or even both. Then there are those who don't give a hoot about either and go ahead and multiply. Apart from the moaning what annoys me most is the problem of having kids and not having appropriate housing eg 3 kids in a 2 bed house and they complain about how they have to live not being able to move somewhere bigger. Why oh why do they do they just not THINK!

I imagine those agreeing with the OP are childless and clueless about what it’s like. Surely there are no parents in agreement with such ignorant comments. All parents know the score.

Manicmj- yep sounding completely childless there! I think it’s you who needs to think! Not meaning to be rude but I don’t think anyone without kids is in a position to comment on parenting- it’s a whole new world. And frankly, kids are far more expensive than you would ever imagine before having them. People are allowed to complain but I think the lesson here is parents should just complain to other parents who understand.

@FairyFlake45
So I'm assuming you enjoy every second of your life, with/out children? Get real! As plenty other pps have said, stuff happens regardless of the 'position' you were in when you decided to have children.

I was left with 3 small children by my ex, who subsequently chose to play a very minor role in their lives. For years the kids caught every bug going, which wrought havoc with my job. As they got older, one developed a limiting physical condition and two developed serious m-h illnesses, one so serious I had to give up work and become her carer for 18 mths. Living with the condition almost broke our family, but somehow we got through it and all is well now.

I'm happy that Op and FairyFlake clearly have such perfect visions of parenting and children and how easy it all is. I've been a mum for nearly 25 yrs and have had stressful professional jobs, but they didn't touch the relentlessness of parenting. I love being a mum, I love and am hugely proud of my kids, but it's been no easy ride. I never signed up to doing this all on my own. Yes, I've also moaned along the way when things were particularly tough. It's so easy to judge others when you can't step into their shoes, but a little empathy and perspective go a long way. If only life were as simple as you seem to think!

Maybe the moaners are moaning as a cry for help? Or just a sympathetic ear?

Parenting can be incredibly emotionally exhausting and if there is stuff going on outside of the children then it can be overwhelming.

Before having children I used to get really irritated by those who moan about how hard it is, I was really judgemental about them - thinking they were just grumpy sods who had no idea how lucky they were. One thing having kids has taught me is never be judgemental!! I have three very close in age - less than three years between them - there is no shortage of drama every single day, throw in a general life drama and it can tip you over the edge and make you moan without even realising!

My moan is about how much boys wrestle and fight and seem to lack common sense and the scale of their destruction and inability to manage emotion rather than how much they cost...
Oh and working in childcare is nothing compared to parenting!! What do grandparents say - they love handing them back at the end of the day!!

Oh my itsnever one thing or another it changes day to day month to month year to year. I’m a teacher full time (22yrs) I also run children’s holiday activity clubs and neither compares to my motherhood role- it is 24/7 no matter what. The hardest most amazing job of all but that’s because you love your child/ren whole heartedly and caring for other people’s children no matter how much you are for them just isn’t the same. Some parents moan, some don’t, you don’t have to listen 😬

Maximum respect but... just wondering if you’d find it a walk in the park if you did a 10 hour day in the office and had to leave a senior management meeting early to fetch the kids cause husband was away. Then your train was delayed and you were charged a late fee by the nursery. Then you had to collect child 2 elsewhere and go home and make dinner, empty dishwasher, tidy up, do bath, bedtime. Then maybe answer a few emails and iron something decent to wear for work the next day. Then perhaps after just finally falling asleep exhausted, child 2 wakes up in the night and vomits everywhere and you spend several hours sorting that nightmare out before you catch 2 hours sleep and go back to work the next day. This is real mummy life, not every day of course but shit happens and some days are hard!

A nanny is not a parent, does not take parental weapon, does not take DC to hospital and worry over massive life and death decisions, they are trained to respond to given situations in directed ways.
Parents don't all choose to become parents flakey and they don't follow some kind of unreality of a dream pathway through life, shit happens that you can't plan for, like the particular DC your combination of genes produce, and the dire possible health issues, or the sleeping and eating issues or the birthing and pregnancy issues, so stop being so goady and ridiculous in your bland statements.

Some have straightforward pregnancies, a great relationship, adjust well to parenthood, have easier to manage babies, great support network, good and understanding employers that offer excellent remuneration and flexibility, and no other particular life stresses and challenges.

Also, even those who decide against having DC have them. Many of the world s babies are not planned. Those 3% contraception failure rates are everywhere!

*responsiblility - not 'weapon'!

I understand how the constant moaning would get you down, but as others have said, you just can’t compare looking after other people’s children with being a parent to your own. I hate that I say this, I have a six month old ds, he is my only child and I had him at 39, so I never thought he would happen. I looked after family and friends children all the time, including someone with profound learning and physical disabilities, I’d have her for days (and overnight) to give her parents a break, and I thought having my own would be no different. It’s just not true. You are answerable to no one, you can’t ask a colleague/parent/manager. You are on your own. You are acutely aware of how everything that you do has a bearing on the direction that this little person will travel in their lives.
So in that respect, it can be hard, but it’s wothout a doubt the most enjoyable, amazing thing I’ve ever done, and will ever do.

Well I only read the first page. How about OP waits until they have children and finds out for themselves. Or stop moaning about other parents moaning. Parenting is hard. Yes most animals do it. Doesn't mean it's not hard. Seen it all now.. so instead of offering support you roll your eyes at them, glad you are not my childrens childcare provider. If their are crap parents and don't look after their children right then fair enough. But if they are trying their hardest then leave them alone. You don't know their situation. I'm a single (working) mom to two toddlers. It's hard work. I never expected to be in this position. Single and financially alone. But I love them to the end of the earth and hope I can do my best for them.

I never moaned about dd, she was a delight. She’s 16 now and the last 2 years since puberty hit have been harder than I ever could have imagined. I still don’t moan but I do need to talk to friends for support and to let off steam.

OP as a full-time career Nanny like you, i can say that it prepared me for motherhood really well! Sleepless nights with other people's kids and early wake ups were something i was quite seasoned in.

Having kids and experiencing it all for myself was not one big moan-a-thon. I knew what it would be hard and expensive but my OH and I moan to each other more than other people

Also, OP, having kids is a right afforded to every person so therefore, moany people will have kids and moan about it. Grumpy people have kids and are grumpy parents, shit people have kids and are shit parents. You will know from past experiences working in private child care there are MANY people who should not have kids!

It's not easy at times, but constant moaning for days on end from a parent is a testament to them as people and the choices they chose to make that they might be regretting!

Maybe they want you to leave.....
Or maybe it’s their hint for you and your partner to offer to look after their kids while they have a night out.

Babies are easy , toddlers a little more challenging but young teens? fucking hell! I’m surprised ds and I made it out alive !
Between the ages of 11 and 16 have been the most difficult and that was NOT easy and lots of tears were shed .
He’s 18 now and it’s much better thankfully

I’m sorry but working in childcare is totally different to being a parent. You can’t even begin to compare it. And there’s no point me even beginning to try to explain.
I have a 9yo and a 6yo. Whilst the baby/toddler years are by far the most tiring, believe me as they get older it gets a hell of a lot harder.

To people saying saying don't have kids, if you can't afford them? Maybe people never realised quite how expensive kids are. All kids growing out of their shoes/ clothes , at the same time? Shoes get dearer as they get bigger. Clothes are the same. They want the latest gadgets, clothes, etc. Kids aren't happy with a Satsuma and a lump of coal for xmas, nor with a clip on the ear for birthdays lol. Thanks to tv, social media etc, they see what others have. Maybe you lose your job, you've got disabled kids, your significant other/yourself gets health problems etc etc. All things that don't help your wallet/ disposition. Kids are, at minimum, a 18 year commitment. A lot can happen, that makes life easier/harder over that time frame. Add to this some kids are easier, others harder, just like adults. Also your first maybe a little angel, followed by one that is a bit harder. So maybe that's why people have more than one.

Surely anything worth doing is hard, but nothing is more rewarding than having kids - rewarding for you and society generally. Creating an Internet startup and becoming a billionaire is tawdry by comparison.

Before kids I thought ‘how hard can it be? Everyone has kids, no one regrets it!’ LOL 😂
I don’t regret it (anymore), but it’s really difficult. Your life isn’t your own after kids. We tell anyone who asks, have kids when you’ve got too much money, time, sex, space, quiet.. kids will fix all that.

I try not to moan about mine, but I know I do, because a lot of the time it is relentlessly hard. I have several childfree colleagues and no idea why they’re childfree but I remember how upsetting I found it when we were TTC and other people moaned about their kids.

People’s situations differ. We have no extended family to help so just have to keep going through illness etc. As a paid employee you don’t have to care for a child whilst throwing up/ having the runs, but you do as a parent.

I thought I was prepared for parenthood as I’d been looking after baby twins for days for a friend having cancer treatment before I got pregnant. If I could handle twins, how hard could one baby be?! Turned out to be a million times harder. Partly because you never get to switch off. Even a nanny working 60 hour weeks gets to have time off whereas a parent doesn’t.

As for expensive. Well, we budgeted and planned pretty carefully but you can’t predict everything. I had expected breastfeeding to be free but it turned out to be rather expensive which was a bit of a whammy whilst on maternity pay. I had expected to have almost free childcare from age 3 as I only need 33 hours a week. But it turns out that just means my monthly childcare bill will reduce to around £700 a month. That’s rather thrown out budgeting too.

I was rather scathing about parents moaning about the expanse before I had my child. Why not just go to the park and feed the ducks or to the library? Those are both free! What I discovered once I had a child was that there’s a limit to the number of times you can go to the park before it gets incredibly boring. We go to the library once a week but more than that would be pushing it. During periods of prolonged cold and/or wet weather there’s a limit to the amount of time you want to spend traipsing around various parks. Yet the child still needs exercise and to leave the house.

Op I do actually agree with you. I have 4. It's really not that difficult for me. This surprised me as I wouldn't think I am the most maternal, natural mother. They are well behaved, do as they are told, fun to be around. Myself and dh have 2 very stressful NHS jobs and it's lovely to come home. I do see people with 1 child claiming they haven't showered in days, can't get anything done etc. I nod my head along sympathetically and would never say anything but inside I do wonder what on under of god they are talking about. It's hard, but it's not THAT hard. It is slightly harder when I have my dsis for extended periods, which is often. She has fetal alcohol syndrome so does have more 'issues' to deal with but I think sn/disabilities are a different kettle of fish. Day to day parenting isn't too bad.

My daughter is 9.5 and is difficult in that she has never slept well and still doesn't. She has the teenage attitude beginning already. Shes full on and demands a large amount of attention, often on very little sleep for both of us. And I have a full time job, which means I'm both exhausted and cranky 98% of the time, which I find extremely difficult.
I dont find her massively expensive though and she is more than worth it. Hence why I am saving up for ivf to (hopefully 🤞) add another child to the family.

Now that shizz is expensive, the baby will have cost us thousands before it's even conceived. Well worth it though

TBH I don’t really understand the people who say it is relentlessly hard, then say they have multiple kids. Why make life even harder for yourself if you’re already struggling?

Of course, there is always the feeling of being ‘on’. I miss being able to fully relax and be selfish. But apart from that, it’s been ok for me.

I have a husband who does as much as I do though. And I’m very far from a perfectionist (my mother used to cry if our birthday party decorations didn’t all match - I will happily send my daughter out in odd socks if I can’t find a pair.) I live abroad and will always be viewed as an outsider anyway so tbh I find that that possibly takes some pressure off because there is literally no reason for me to care at all about anyone’s opinion because they already think I’m an oddball.

I have worked in Childcare. I've also been a Single Parent for 12 years. It is not the same. Not even close.

I was married, I had a nice house and I was financially stable before my Children came along. Then circumstances changed...

As Parents we are constantly judged by Society. If we breastfeed we often have to deal with looks of disgust or comments to go sit in the Bathroom. If we bottle feed we are told we are not doing what is best for our child.
If we go back to work to pay the bills, we are neglecting our Children. If we stay home and raise our Children we are lazy and work shy.
If we have chance to do our make up/hair for the school run, we have too much time on our hands. If we don't have chance we are told we should make more of an effort.
If we have Family who help out with Childcare, we are told we are taking advantage. If we put them in Nursery we are told they should be with a Family member who knows them..

It goes on and on and on. Every decision we make for our Child, someone will have an opinion on it. We are damned if we do. Damned if we don't.

Having someone make judgemental comments on a forum for Parents about Parenting, when they clearly have no idea is ridiculous.

If Parents do wish to moan and let off steam to other Parents who have been there and know what they're going through, if it helps then so be it.

Maybe just maybe, as this is a Parenting Forum we can all offer advice and support and a little empathy instead of ill informed judgements when it comes to raising Children. A resolution for the New Year perhaps?

Anyone who doesn’t find it hard is lucky. Some babies are very hard and have issues like colic and reflux which means they cry most of time and are very poor sleepers. If you don’t have good support from a partner that can be tough. It can be lonely at the beginning when it’s just you and baby most days. If you and partner work full time jobs that are particularly stressful. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say having a baby is easy