Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL completely ignored my wishes again

333 replies

DappledThings · 28/12/2018 14:18

I'm so grumpy right now. I hate presents. Hate them. Everyone knows this. I thought this year I had managed to make it so I had nothing to unwrap but PIL refused to accept this and I now have a small pile of stuff I don't want or need that probably represents a waste of a a good £100.

I asked for either a charity present (the goat type) or to just be included in DH's presents and make them joint. SIL did the latter which was great. But PIL utterly refused. Have just overheard a conversation between MIL and SIL about me not appearing too thrilled. Because I'm not.

I'm pissed right off that yet again my desire to not receive anything has to come second to someone else's desire to go shopping. It's bollocks and I'm so unhappy.

I've never had any other complaint about PIL. I love them both, they're great people. But simply refuse to actually ever get me what I want for Xmas or birthday.

OP posts:
TwinklyLightsForXmas · 28/12/2018 18:43

YANBU - my PILs are exactly the same. They have spent a fortune on presents for us all this Xmas that no one wants/will use just to give 'stuff'. It infuriates me for the same reasons as you - it's totally wasteful and I'd much prefer they kept their money than spend it on clutter that we don't want/need. I'm off to the charity shop tomorrow with it all which is a shame, but our house is bursting at the seams already.

Singlenotsingle · 28/12/2018 18:58

You need to be generous, OP. In this case, that means being gracious enough to allow other people pleasure from giving.

All you need to do is smile and say thank you.

Bittermints · 28/12/2018 19:09

OK, open goal there mentioning holidays, white goods, building works! Xmas Grin

FWIW, one overseas holiday every two or three years, other holidays are in UK staying with family, travelling by public transport and we don't have a car.

White goods - replaced when they wear out, i.e. a few days after the 5-year parts guarantee runs out. No tumble drier.

Building works - we had very bad damp to sort out and as our house is old from time to time things like windows and plaster need renovation/replacement.

Our green credentials aren't too bad, all told.

Original poster
DappledThings · 28/12/2018 19:09

SleepingStandingUp

Thank you. You've articulated how I feel very well. Appreciated.

OP posts:
Cattus · 28/12/2018 19:12

What they’ve done is thoughtless but you can’t control them. I think people with anxiety need to feel in control and to feel that things are happening rationally and efficiently. What they have done is stressful for you because it feels so utterly pointless and there is nothing you can do about it.
I think you need to build in some margin for error in this, accept that this inefficiency has occurred and will occur again. Plan your responses and strategy in advance. It only takes a Monet to open them, s,ole and say thank you, and then pass them on to a Beauty or Foodbank.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/12/2018 19:12

It’s hard to do that, though, if you know you’re not going to use the item. You basically have to lie. And for some people that fakeness doesn’t come naturally. I know it’s a social skill, appearing gracious even though you already feel guilty because you know you just won’t use the item. But it just doesn’t come easily to some people. The guilt makes them anxious. And also the expectant look on the giver’s face, and you have to make sure the expression on your voice appears genuine. It isn’t that easy to pull it off well.

Cattus · 28/12/2018 19:13

Sorry- moment to open, smile - that should say.

orangi · 28/12/2018 19:14

I'm completely with you on this one Op and think you have had some pretty harsh responses. Not sure why people feel able to diagnose controlling behaviour or self esteem issues from one post on the internet and never having met you in person.

Not sure what the answer is though if they keep on buying you things, maybe ask for vouchers as others have suggested then you can use them to buy something you want/ need at a time that is convenient for you. Otherwise unfortunately yes you will have to keep on taking things to the charity shop. No its not the worlds most pressing issue but the Op did not present it as such plus I for one am hopeful that there are more people around who don't want more stuff.

PengAly · 28/12/2018 19:14

OP you didnt nake it clear that this wqs anxiety related. Only after some PPs mentioned it did you agree with it. You should look into what is cusing your anxiety and consider finding ways to cope with it that dont involve hurting the feelings of those that give you gifts. They may also have stress and anxiety about giving gifts, maybe you should look at it from both sides instrad of just your own. I respect that anxiety is a real thing but we all have things that we dont like, i dont think it gives us the right to act ungreatful and throw strops when someone is being generous

Cattus · 28/12/2018 19:19

I’ve thought of a plan, if you fancied doing it next year.
Make a fake round robin letter that’s actually only going to be sent to the PILs and send it in November. Say that you are supporting a cause and would rather people donated money to it than bought you a present. State that any presents that you receive will also be donated and mention that toiletries will be particularly needed by this charity.
Than when you open them, you can say, “ Great ... charity will really appreciate these.” Then pass them on. Job done.
If that year, they still get you a present, but it’s not toiletries, you’ll know they’re just being bloody minded.

bluegreygreen · 28/12/2018 19:21

OP, if you really don't understand, please read and reread Haffdonga's explanation - it was great

Unihorn · 28/12/2018 19:22

PIL do this for us too. I've unwrapped perfume, bath bombs, shower gels and socks that I don't need. I don't wear perfume, I hate baths, and I buy Dove every few weeks to last me as long as I need. They've also bought our children large plastic toys that wont get touched but clog up out tiny house.

We don't give presents anymore on my side of the family so it's alien to me to buy each other pointless, unnecessary crap. Ee are lucky enough to be able to buy things for ourselves if/when needed but mostly just spend money on the children. Trying to persuade my husband's side to think this way is proving hard work so far!

nicenewdusters · 28/12/2018 19:27

Bittermints Grin Point taken. Just looked a bit at odds with the worry over some unused toiletries Grin

OrdinarySnowflake · 28/12/2018 19:27

But OP - you like that someone gets how you feel, do you get that for PIL, getting you nothing would be upsetting?

If you could say why getting gifts upsets you so much, we might be able to help you mange this in a way other than saying "don't get me anything" - which you've tried and doesn't work!

Hidillyho · 28/12/2018 19:31

I really hate surprises (gifts being one of them). I really hate unwrapping gifts in front of people. Can’t you get DH to have a word with them? He can just tell them straight - receiving gifts makes you anxious, in future please save the money or if you want to give something then make it a charity donation
Next year if they do the same after DH has spoken to them just say you are not opening them

OrdinarySnowflake · 28/12/2018 19:33

Options I can think of:

If it's the waste that upsets you - ask for something like wine or the smellies you use normally, so that it's not a waste, it's stuff you'd buy anyway.

If it's unwrapping something you don't know it will be, ask them to tell your DH what they've got in advance so you know, or perhaps to not wrap your gifts. (Compromise on bringing them in a gift bag?)

If it's the attention of being watched to recieve a gift, ask if they would mind you opening them later, or get your DH to open something at the same time so not everyone is looking at you.

If it's that you don't feel worthy of gifts, then you need to accept your self esteem, not the gifts, that's the problem and work on that.

what is it that upsets you about gifts?

They are a normal part of social interaction, so working out how you can cope with them would be better than trying to stop other people behaving in a normal fashion.

RomanyRoots · 28/12/2018 19:40

OP, they will probably do the same next year.
You can't change their behaviour only your reaction to it.

Ca55andraMortmain · 28/12/2018 19:41

This thread is so odd. OP has said she doesn't like having to open gifts in front of people - it makes her anxious and unhappy. People suggesting she gives the gifts to charity - that won't help. She'll still have to unwrap them which is why she doesn't want them in the first place. It's not (from what I can see) about not wanting the actual gifts - it's about not wanting the experience of unwrapping them in front of the giver.

In our family we go out for a naice meal together before Christmas instead of buying each other presents. It's a nice social occasion and it's reasonably costly (we choose fancyish places that none of us would normally go to) and it removes the drama of trying to find gifts for everyone. Could you suggest something like that? Hopefully the fact that you're choosing a gift which allows you to spend time with them will allay any offence about gifts?

PengAly · 28/12/2018 19:46

@Ca55andraMortmain the OP hasnt actually clarified what part if receiving gifts she doesnt like. She just states she hates them- people have assumed its anxiety about unwrapping but she has not actually confirmed this. Would be good to get a proper explanation from OP

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2018 19:49

OP you didnt nake it clear that this wqs anxiety related

PengAly its literally on the first page, less than a dozen comments in:
It makes me really tense and anxious

But people are piling in about how ungrateful she is and how she should be glad they love her enough to buy her something that causes her anxiety

Ca55andraMortmain · 28/12/2018 19:50

@PengAly
Because I hate receiving presents and
especially unwrapping them in front of people. It makes me really tense and anxious

She said this towards the start of the thread.

PengAly · 28/12/2018 19:54

Ok apologies i missed that, i think the pile on is because her attitude in the first post and throughout is very ungreatful and quite stroppy. Of course her feelings matter but so should those who give her gifts.

Original poster
DappledThings · 28/12/2018 19:57

its not the worlds most pressing issue but the Op did not present it as such

Thank you. This is true.

And for those talking about being stroppy or creating a scene that's nonsense too. It was an uncomfortable 5 minutes then everyone moved on. We went out for coffee, had 2nd Xmas dinner, laughed at toddler DS being hilarious. I'll be inwardly tense and alternately sad and cross for a few days till the small pile is dealt with.

It's my 40th in a few months. I thought I'd been explicit previously but will ensure prior to it that I am 100% clear I do not want any presents. I will be polite but firm. If that gets ignored again I'll be really upset at my feelings being so disregarded yet again.

OP posts:
PengAly · 28/12/2018 19:58

Also i dont think someone having anxiety should trump someone else's happiness- an open conversation needs to happen or OP needs to find ways of coping. How does OP or anyone else on here know that PILs dont get stressed about the idea of not giving gifts? I know my mother would hate to not give each of her children a Christmas gift.

Original poster
DappledThings · 28/12/2018 20:00

I know my mother would hate to not give each of her children a Christmas gift.

She's not my mother! But I can't understand this either. My children are still tiny but in the future if they ever told me that something I was doing was upsetting them I would hope I'd be able to put their feelings above my own desire to press something on them.

OP posts: