Boyfriend only bought DS one present...

[notagrabbygirlfriend]

Been with boyfriend for 1 year. He’s been regularly seeing DS (7) since 6 months into our relationship.

DS is born on Christmas Eve. I expressed to him that I find it really cheeky, cheap and mean when people try to combine his Christmas and birthday present. You wouldn’t do it at any other time of year. Fair enough if it’s a massive or expensive gift that you would have done as a joint anyway, but using the excuse that he is born near Christmas to only get him one thing I find mean and stingy.

We had a big conversation about this and he said he thought I was being rude by expecting two gifts. Of course people would combine due to the time of year. I said it’s cheeky and I wouldn’t accept it for my son. You wouldn’t combine a summer born child’s present with Christmas, you’d be told you were a CF. As I said, expensive gifts I understand, but otherwise no.

Anyway, the day comes around and low and behold he gives my son a combined Christmas and birthday gift. It cost around £10. I don’t care about the price, he could’ve got him two gifts for £5 each. One for birthday, one for Christmas. It’s not about the price, it’s about the principle.

AIBU to think he’s been a complete arse considering he knew my stance on the matter? We’ve only been together a short while so I wouldn’t have really expected him to get him anything. But it feels like he has intentionally done this to make some sort of sanctimonious point?

I don't think there's an issue with your stance on this however the language you use to demonstrate how the conversation went with your BF is nothing short of rude! Now either you've embellished what you said somewhat, to make yourself appear a "I take no shit" kind of person, or you genuinely are that rude that you would speak to a relatively new BF in that manner but you've not shed yourself in a very nice light.

I do, however, think his actions have been somewhat shitty and I'd be asking him why he did the opposite of what I'd demanded.

Some people would appreciate that
Just because some people set the bar low doesn’t mean the rest of us have to meet it

You can't demand what presents you will accept for your child. At this time of year, you child's birthday will rarely be a priority for anyone other than you.

Well if you wouldn’t accept it for my son end the relationship. If this is one of your dealbreakers, then he's broken the 'deal' hasn't he?

My personal feelings on this are neither here nor there - and neither are anyone else's really. You're not committed to this man in any way so if you won't accept it for your son then don't.

Do you only have one child? I can't think they'd be happy with their brother getting twice the gifts

No, we have more than one. The number of gifts they receive varies because from us sometimes they get lots of cheap ones, sometimes one big one, etc. so I guess they don't compare much. And also, we do usually get a few more smaller things for our nearly-christmas-born son to even it out a bit too. I'd rather do that than expect others to buy two gifts so close together, I guess.

Another thing is we aren't very materialistic and remind them regularly how niceit is to receive anything, rather than to expect things. It seems to work for us.

The OP's username is telling.

I would suggest you dump him. Anyone you date is potentially a future step-parent to your child. This person has clearly indicated their stance on children's birthdays and it is incompatible with yours. x

I would be annoyed too, I don’t think OP is being unreasonable. If someone’s going to buy the child a gift then he should have one for his birthday and one for Christmas, not a combined gift costing £10, I would rather he hasn’t bought a gift at all, he made a issue of being greedy expecting 2 gifts? Well most people celebrate their birthday and Christmas separately, it’s not the child’s fault he was born Christmas Eve.

OP, he’s a dick. I know 6 months isn’t a long time but he is a part of your ds’s life (I’m guessing he sees him quite a lot), to spend £10 on a combined gift is just tight.

It seems strange that he did this even though he knew how you felt about it. He could have bought two cheaper items to please you. So it seems as though he did it intentionally? If you stay with him..he 'll always do this. Maybe when it's his birthday give it to him on another close event, e.g. Valentines/Easter and tell him its a present for both!

I wouldn't be in a relationship with a mean, inconsiderate man. Fuck that.

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a grabby, materialistic, controlling man.

Anyway, even though I'm happy to accept one gift for my child (and encourage it), if someone told me it was important to them that their child receive two gifts, even if they were both very cheap, then I'd buy two. Because it's not exactly difficult and I don't like to be a dick for no real reason.

I mean, you'd have to feel REALLY strongly about it to not do it for your GF who expressed such a strong opinion on it themselves. Just feels like a strange thing to make a stand about.

He has known the child 6months so of course he should get him two separate gifts. Lucky he bought a gift?! What planet are some people on. If I had met a partner’s child even 3weeks before Christmas or birthday I would have bought them a token present. If I was serious about that relationship!

I have a cousin who is a Christmas Day baby. It is shit when people combine presents, it is like not having a birthday. I think OP is right, even 2 token gifts of £5 each would be preferable and if he was stuck for ideas he could have asked her. Books are a simple, cheap present for example. Plenty of tat in B&M for around £5!

I have a daughter born on Christmas Day. I hate dual presents. Even if they’re the combined price of two. It’s mean for the child: let’s face it, when you’re young, it’s all about quantity!!

It's shit anyway, but the fact that you had the conversation with him and he's deliberately gone out of his way to go against what you've said is a HUGE red flag.

Find someone who respects you and your son.

I can see that it is very difficult for someone who's birthday falls at Christmas time. I expect the birthday does get overlooked, and it's something a child's mum would be sensitive about.

However the BF didn't have to buy for your son at all. Would you expect him to buy a birthday present in any event? Did he buy a nice Christmas gift? I think you are getting screwed up over this, to be honest.

All the 'you sound controlling' brigade do not have December birthdays.
I do. It is controlling. I never cared about combined presents as a child or an adult. An adult the child has only known for 6 months buying them a present is a bonus, it's not like a parent buying a December born child the same for birthday and Christmas as their sibling is getting for Christmas alone, or anything like that.

You aren't compatible. It is still early days. Time to part.

You've had a conversation about what is important to you and your child. Not a passing comment it seems, a full conversation. We can agree or disagree with your stance, but that doesn't matter - what matters is how your boyfriend responds to knowing how you want to raise your child. Does he support or undermine you?

He's been a part of your son's life for 6 months, not 6 days. Yours for a year. Long enough for actions to matter. Short enough that he should be wanting to impress still.

He chose to make a point. You get to choose how to respond to his point

Another thought. Maybe he's happy to buy Christmas presents, but not yet happy to start buying birthday presents, easter eggs, and all the other stuff. You said you have more than one child, so what did he spend on the others. Have they received birthday gifts from him yet. What did you think he ought to be spending on your children? Equally importantly, or maybe more importantly, what did he get you, and what did you get him?

I love my December birthday, largely because my parents have a similar attitude to the OPs.

You don't get to dictate what people buy or spend?

He's better off without someone who thinks they are stingy or controls what he does.

It’s mean for the child: let’s face it, when you’re young, it’s all about quantity!!
Not all children prefer a pile of tat, even at 7.

I really am not materialistic. As I said I don’t care if he’d gone to flaming Poundland, it’s about the fact I’ve expressed I don’t agree with it or like it and he’s seemingly purposefully gone against that.

The conversation didn’t go exactly as I stated above. It comes across as very blunt. It started more casually, and then it got into more of a debate when we had differing points of view.

He did buy my DS an Easter Egg, so he’s not generally a stingy man. It seems to me he’s just done this to make a point.

Of course he’s done it to make a point, the point is that he will undermine your parenting decisions when he doesn’t agree with them, even if the child isn’t his.