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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend only bought DS one present...

327 replies

notagrabbygirlfriend · 28/12/2018 13:25

Been with boyfriend for 1 year. He’s been regularly seeing DS (7) since 6 months into our relationship.

DS is born on Christmas Eve. I expressed to him that I find it really cheeky, cheap and mean when people try to combine his Christmas and birthday present. You wouldn’t do it at any other time of year. Fair enough if it’s a massive or expensive gift that you would have done as a joint anyway, but using the excuse that he is born near Christmas to only get him one thing I find mean and stingy.

We had a big conversation about this and he said he thought I was being rude by expecting two gifts. Of course people would combine due to the time of year. I said it’s cheeky and I wouldn’t accept it for my son. You wouldn’t combine a summer born child’s present with Christmas, you’d be told you were a CF. As I said, expensive gifts I understand, but otherwise no.

Anyway, the day comes around and low and behold he gives my son a combined Christmas and birthday gift. It cost around £10. I don’t care about the price, he could’ve got him two gifts for £5 each. One for birthday, one for Christmas. It’s not about the price, it’s about the principle.

AIBU to think he’s been a complete arse considering he knew my stance on the matter? We’ve only been together a short while so I wouldn’t have really expected him to get him anything. But it feels like he has intentionally done this to make some sort of sanctimonious point?

OP posts:

category12 · 28/12/2018 15:20

It's more about the conversation and the disagreement you had about it than the material thing, isn't it?

If I said to a boyfriend that something got my goat, and he disagreed and went out and deliberately did the thing, then basically it's an "up yours".

I wouldn't think the relationship had legs after that. not because it's an important issue, in this case, but because of the "how do you like them apples" nature of it. It's antagonistic and power-grabbing.

Birdie6 · 28/12/2018 15:23

That would be a deal breaker for me. He heard what you said and he ignored it. I've got a Christmas child too and I'd never accept anyone trying to get away with one gift - I'd show him the door.

DocRogen · 28/12/2018 15:25

It seems to me he’s just done this to make a point.

Yep. How are you going to respond to his point?

KC225 · 28/12/2018 15:27

I agree with the OP. She had said how she felt, and he deliberately choose to ignore it. For all the people having a go at the OP calling her controlling - she mentioned the money spent but she also said he could have halved it and spent a fiver on two gifts. Or if he felt he had to make a point, he could have bought a gift for a fiver and put five pounds in card - most 7 year olds are happy for cash. I think its the worst kind of mean - mean of spirit. Its not a good sign for me.

And who are the tight wads says saying you have only been together 6 months and your son was lucky to get anything? School parties anyone? Work collections anyone? Seriously, I have spent more money than that on flowers for an under the weather neighbour and I don't even know her last name let alone be in a relationship with her.

tempester28 · 28/12/2018 15:31

I agree with you re joint presents. Also! I know people will say I am wrong .....but to be honest, 1 year into a relationship and he should still be trying to impress you and a £10 joint christmas and birthday present is not really very impressive! I would spend £10 on birthday children I have never met.

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2018 15:32

I said it’s cheeky and I wouldn’t accept it for my son.

How exactly are you going to prevent it?

Some people might prefer the more expensive present that they potentially do want as opposed to two cheaper presents that they don't want just to satisfy someone's requirement for their kid to have 2 presents.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/12/2018 15:32

How are you going to respond to this point?
I like the buying a pair of shoes story a few pages back and giving one for birthday and one for Christmas.

I wouldn’t have this as a deal breaker unless he’s an arse in other ways.

notacooldad · 28/12/2018 15:33

It seems to me he’s just done this to make a point
Quite a nasty one at the expense of your child.

User111222333 · 28/12/2018 15:34

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

guacatrole · 28/12/2018 15:38

You’re right. There is no way I would tolerate an intimate partner dictating to me exactly how I must buy presents for his child/ren.I would be genuinely speechless at being told what to do like that.

They'd be well rid of you if you are mean to their child and have to be told how to behave like a normal human.

OP if you do decide to stay with him definitely do not buy him a birthday present or acknowledge his birthday. ...

VoiceOfCommonSense · 28/12/2018 15:39

FFS, at least he got something for the kid. You sound like a bit of a crank.

guacatrole · 28/12/2018 15:41

^
No, we have more than one. The number of gifts they receive varies because from us sometimes they get lots of cheap ones, sometimes one big one, etc. so I guess they don't compare much. And also, we do usually get a few more smaller things for our nearly-christmas-born son to even it out a bit too. I'd rather do that than expect others to buy two gifts so close together, I guess.Another thing is we aren't very materialistic and remind them regularly how niceit is to receive anything, rather than to expect things. It seems to work for us.^

I ask for "no presents" at birthdays but it works for us because all my children receive the same. It's not about being materialistic, it can be upsetting for winter babies (as you have seen here) and he may well resent the fact one day that you've told people to basically not make a fuss when his birthday will always be seen by people as not fuss worthy. Even as an adult he will struggle to get peope to go out with him etc

guacatrole · 28/12/2018 15:43

The conversation didn’t go exactly as I stated above. It comes across as very blunt. It started more casually, and then it got into more of a debate when we had differing points of view.

What was his point of view? Ask him if he is happy with you not celebrating his birthday this year.

nicenewdusters · 28/12/2018 16:04

I agree with the OP. Here's a man who doesn't like "being told". But he wasn't being told anything. The OP was just expressing her view about children (her child in this case) only receiving one set of presents per year at Christmas because they happen to be born then.

He knew it was important to her because it was important to her son. He chose to ignore her feelings because it was more important to him to show that he wouldn't be told and that he disagreed.

FWIW I think it's perfectly normal to buy a gift for your partner's child. It's kind, thoughtful, and part of forming a bond. His gift was none of these, it was a "stuff you" to the OP. Well stuff him. Sorry but he sounds like a git.

EnglishRose13 · 28/12/2018 16:13

While I understand where you're coming from, you sound like a knob.

Wheresthebeach · 28/12/2018 16:16

He's a dick.

Who does that when their girlfriend as said they think it's mean?

No excuse really, just being a dick to show you who's boss.

Honeyroar · 28/12/2018 16:17

My stwpson’s birthday is Xmas eve and I totally agree with you re joint presents.

I think your boyfriend has deliberately been mean to your child in order to make a point to you. I’d feel very let down by him. I’d be wondering what the point in continuing was. He didn’t HAVE to buy a present at all, (although I’d think a boyfriend that had been involved and around for a year was mean if he didn’t!) but since he did he should have bought two.

nicenewdusters · 28/12/2018 16:18

Why is it being a knob to want your dc to have a "normal" separate birthday just like everyone else, instead of it being combined with Christmas because it makes other people's lives easier when buying presents ?

Tweety1981 · 28/12/2018 16:23

On our first date my husband took me to a seafood restaurant ( i don’t eat fish ) . I ending up eating potatoes ( on their own ) . He made me pay the bill ..... fast forward 11 years things couldn’t be more different , he never expects me to pay for anything and spoils me with how much he does in all the little ways too .. like cooking when he knows I’ve had a busy day .

Sometimes things change with some men .. sometimes they don’t . There is someone for everyone , but I wouldn’t judge a man from one thing .. keep an open mind and you will know if he’s the one for you ...

PrivateVasquez · 28/12/2018 16:35

he may well resent the fact one day that you've told people to basically not make a fuss when his birthday will always be seen by people as not fuss worthy

That's where you're wrong. I never tell people not to make a fuss. I tell people not to buy presents. They're not the same thing!

As a family our birthdays and Christmas revolve less around presents than most peoples. It's always been that way so I don't think there's likely to be any resentment – they're used to their birthdays being about feeling special for a day without necessarily receiving a bunch of stuff they'll rarely use.

Original poster

notagrabbygirlfriend · 28/12/2018 17:21

During the conversation he said that he didn’t think it was right of me to expect people buy 2 presents, one for each occasion. That of course people will combine presents as it’s close to Christmas.

I asked him, would you think it ok to combine presents if he was born in the summer. He said no, but because he is born near Christmas you should expect people to combine them.

Of course I don’t combine his presents. He doesn’t combine mine either. But somehow DS should be different.

OP posts:

Evilspiritgin · 28/12/2018 17:28

I think you’ve both shown each over who you are,

I must admit it would make me hesitate in a new relationship if my partner started dictating things to me about presents

Original poster

notagrabbygirlfriend · 28/12/2018 17:31

I don’t think a year relationship, 6 months of which he’s known my son, is too much of an expectation to get him something small for Christmas and birthday.

I’ve done more for aqaintances children.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 28/12/2018 17:35

But he’s told you his thinking about it - neither of your views trump the other. You think two gifts, he thinks one gift is what he wants to give, if you can’t accept him and his thinking on it, you don’t have much chance on the bigger issues where he disagrees with you. You don’t need to agree with him, and neither of you need to change your mind but you would need to accept he doesn’t want to buy two gifts and has as much right to his view and you do to yours.

Rudgie47 · 28/12/2018 17:38

Tell him to fuck off OP now. No point starting the new year with a boyfriend like this.

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