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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend only bought DS one present...

327 replies

notagrabbygirlfriend · 28/12/2018 13:25

Been with boyfriend for 1 year. He’s been regularly seeing DS (7) since 6 months into our relationship.

DS is born on Christmas Eve. I expressed to him that I find it really cheeky, cheap and mean when people try to combine his Christmas and birthday present. You wouldn’t do it at any other time of year. Fair enough if it’s a massive or expensive gift that you would have done as a joint anyway, but using the excuse that he is born near Christmas to only get him one thing I find mean and stingy.

We had a big conversation about this and he said he thought I was being rude by expecting two gifts. Of course people would combine due to the time of year. I said it’s cheeky and I wouldn’t accept it for my son. You wouldn’t combine a summer born child’s present with Christmas, you’d be told you were a CF. As I said, expensive gifts I understand, but otherwise no.

Anyway, the day comes around and low and behold he gives my son a combined Christmas and birthday gift. It cost around £10. I don’t care about the price, he could’ve got him two gifts for £5 each. One for birthday, one for Christmas. It’s not about the price, it’s about the principle.

AIBU to think he’s been a complete arse considering he knew my stance on the matter? We’ve only been together a short while so I wouldn’t have really expected him to get him anything. But it feels like he has intentionally done this to make some sort of sanctimonious point?

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 29/12/2018 19:47

Those people who think you're being grabby have clearly never encountered a controlling asshole which your BF is clearly showing signs of being.

Run for the hills. 100% agree he's doing this to spite you and you do not want to bring this into your life, both of you.

Hidillyho · 29/12/2018 19:53

I don’t agree with combined gifts so I wouldn’t do it. You can’t stipulate it to someone.
Weird that you don’t do gifts from both of you though. DP and I don’t do separate gifts for people (regardless of who they are)

Lizzie48 · 29/12/2018 19:58

My BIL has a birthday just before Christmas so we're always organising two gifts for him and two cards. I don't understand why anyone would think a combined pressie is accepting, especially if you would give that person a pressie if their birthday was any other time of the year.

llangennith · 29/12/2018 19:58

YANBU. This is about a title boy of 7, not about the OP.
You'd explained your point to him and he chose to ignore it. He clearly has no respect for you or your DS so I hope he's now an ex-BF. Get rid.

Lindy2 · 29/12/2018 20:04

YANBU.
My birthday is Christmas Eve and yes at age 7 it really does matter that people acknowledge Christmas Eve is a birthday and Christmas Day is Christmas.
After 1 year together and a discussion about the fact it's important to you that your son has a special birthday day as well as Christmas, your boyfriend's actions are pretty unreasonable and seem to be rather deliberately ignoring something you have said matters to you about your child.
It's not about the value - although a £10 present isn't exactly lavish from someone you and your son are supposed to be very important too. I obviously don't know his financial position though.
It seems to be that it is a deliberate act to show that something that matters to you doesn't matter to him. It's not thd behaviour of someone who cares what you think or in fact sadly who particularly cares about you or your son. If your son was important to him he would have made more effort.
I'd have a serious think about how you see this relationship going OP.

parentin · 29/12/2018 20:55

Exactly what i was thinking.🙄🙄

thecatsthecats · 29/12/2018 21:05

Hidillyho

They've been together less than a year... Nice way to snark at a single mum dating though.

caringcarer · 29/12/2018 21:15

He does not sound like a keeper to me. He sounds like he might become a mean step dad given the chance. A son is for life.

GraduationDilemma · 29/12/2018 21:19

Your boyfriend has zero obligation to get anything for your son.

poppoppop100 · 29/12/2018 21:24

why the fuck should he buy him anything?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 29/12/2018 21:28

It seems to me he was either testing the water to see how much crap you'll take from him or he's just a mean arsehole who gets a kick from possibly hurting a 7 year old boy. Doesn't bode well for the future

Lizzie48 · 29/12/2018 21:31

He doesn't have to buy a present for her DS. But presumably since he has spoken of them being a family he cares something for his GF and her DS is an important part of her life. So you would expect him to want to make her happy.

If he really feels under no obligation to buy her DS a pressie, then presumably he won't care if she decides to consider it a deal breaker. After all, according to your argument, she's under no obligation to be with him at all.

If you care for someone, which presumably you do after being in a relationship with her for a year and speaking of them as a family, then part of caring for her is wanting to please her surely?

Esspee · 29/12/2018 21:35

He doesn't sound a keeper to me.

TotesEmoshTerri · 29/12/2018 21:43

There's no obligation for him to do nothing but if he wants a relationship with you and to have sex with you then he has to meet certain criteria. He clearly no longer does so stop sleeping with this man.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 29/12/2018 21:52

No, people are wrong, you’re not being entitled. That’s shitty behaviour. My best friends daughters birthday is Christmas Eve and I go out of my way to get her separate gifts and make sure I use birthday paper, get a birthday balloon etc. Very poor behaviour and I would be rethinking his status as my boyfriend to be honest.

ree348 · 29/12/2018 22:02

Yanbu - you told him how you felt about it and he intentionally ignored you. It wouldn't have been hard to spend an extra £5 for a Xmas present to keep the peace with you.

My bday is also close to Xmas and I'm either given presents separately or given a joint expensive present.

6 months or not what an inconsiderate cheapskate!

Lynnm63 · 29/12/2018 22:02

I’d be ending the relationship. He’s made a point, I’d make mine. As to those saying £10 is enough I spent £10 on my daughters friend for Christmas.

It’s not the money though it’s the fact you’ve explained how you feel about parenting your child and he’s decided he knows best. It won’t get any better this is supposed to be the honeymoon phase, where he’s on his best behaviour trying to impress you.

cushioncuddle · 29/12/2018 22:21

You expressed how you felt and he's deliberately gone against your values.

This doesn't sit well with me.

It has nothing to do with buying your son one or two gifts. People are very short sighted if they think it is.

This would ring alarm bells with me.

Maisymoo22 · 29/12/2018 23:17

LTB

zippey · 29/12/2018 23:24

Hmm it’s an interesting quandary. What about people born on Christmas Day? What happens to thier presents.

I think buying one present is generous enough for a child who is not yours for a partner you haven’t been seeing very long.

So I’d say you are being precious. Different if it was someone related to the child. It’s no big deal.

I think the people seeing this as a lack of respect or red flag are looking too deep into his action.

dementedpixie · 29/12/2018 23:25

Do you count 1 year as not long then?

pantyclaws · 29/12/2018 23:44

Personally I think it's a big red flag given the conversation you've had.

Through his actions he's saying "my opinion is more important than your or your son's feelings".

Although I think having a child born at Christmas certainly crystallises one's opinion on this.

For all the posters saying he's not obliged to buy a present and they should be grateful - well he's not obliged to be thoughtful, he's not obliged to listen to anything his GF says, he's not obliged to be a nice person, he's not obliged to date the OP - obligation isn't the point here.

frami · 29/12/2018 23:58

My Mum has a Boxing Day Birthday I wouldn't dream of getting her a combined gift. I also know 2 other people with birthdays on 24th and 25th. They are both adults and all recieve separate gifts and cards. Like OP said they can be split into 2 cheaper items. It's no effort and just shows that you care about them personally. I would rethink your relationship with your BF. What would happen were you to have a child with him that was born at a different time of year? Would he give that child a combined gift?

OP on another note this might be a useful idea for you in the future if the combined presents become too much of an issue. My friend used to hold an "And a half birthday" party in the middle of the year. That way her her child got a celebration to themselves. She did have to explain to a few people the reasoning behind this but once she did it worked really well.

bluegreygreen · 30/12/2018 00:02

Struggling a bit with this one ...

Don't like joint presents and wouldn't give a child one myself

BUT

Totally hate the concept of telling someone how they must give a gift - very rude

CoughLaughFart · 30/12/2018 00:19

I think it’s pretty tacky to knock someone for ‘only’ spending £10. You have no idea of his financial situation.

This issue here is that the OP’s boyfriend did something he knew would annoy her; possibly upsetting her son in the process. Two adults can have all the arguments they like, but it’s unfair to involve a child. He’s the one person who is unquestionably innocent here.

OP - do you think your boyfriend is a long-term prospect - i.e. a potential stepfather - or does he just see this as a ‘here and now’ relationship with someone who just happens to have a child?

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