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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend only bought DS one present...

327 replies

notagrabbygirlfriend · 28/12/2018 13:25

Been with boyfriend for 1 year. He’s been regularly seeing DS (7) since 6 months into our relationship.

DS is born on Christmas Eve. I expressed to him that I find it really cheeky, cheap and mean when people try to combine his Christmas and birthday present. You wouldn’t do it at any other time of year. Fair enough if it’s a massive or expensive gift that you would have done as a joint anyway, but using the excuse that he is born near Christmas to only get him one thing I find mean and stingy.

We had a big conversation about this and he said he thought I was being rude by expecting two gifts. Of course people would combine due to the time of year. I said it’s cheeky and I wouldn’t accept it for my son. You wouldn’t combine a summer born child’s present with Christmas, you’d be told you were a CF. As I said, expensive gifts I understand, but otherwise no.

Anyway, the day comes around and low and behold he gives my son a combined Christmas and birthday gift. It cost around £10. I don’t care about the price, he could’ve got him two gifts for £5 each. One for birthday, one for Christmas. It’s not about the price, it’s about the principle.

AIBU to think he’s been a complete arse considering he knew my stance on the matter? We’ve only been together a short while so I wouldn’t have really expected him to get him anything. But it feels like he has intentionally done this to make some sort of sanctimonious point?

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 29/12/2018 11:26

I suppose this is where it helps if all Christmas pressies come from Santa. Then the BF would rightly only give a birthday pressie and doesn't have to worry about separating the two?

LannieDuck · 29/12/2018 11:40

She had a preference about her son receiving separate xmas and birthday gifts (even if that meant they were lower value). I think that is a parenting decision.

LannieDuck · 29/12/2018 11:43

Jelly: And if you want to receive a gift on your birthday, but your DH ignored it... there are plenty of threads on here where your DH would be deemed unreasonable. (See also the numerous 'my DH didn't buy me a xmas present' threads.)

Original poster
notagrabbygirlfriend · 29/12/2018 12:07

It was definitely deliberately one combined present. He gave him it on his birthday. I then saw him yesterday and said it’s a shame DS isn’t here, as he would have liked to have seen BF open his presents from us both. He then said, ‘Yes I know, but at least I got to see him open his Christmas present from me the other day.’ So definitely not expecting anything else. I haven’t said anything to him about it yet, I am seeing him later onto today, I wanted to gauge a general consensus before I confront him about it.

OP posts:
wakemewhenitsallover · 29/12/2018 12:16

it doesn’t mean he’s controlling or manipulative because he didn’t do what she demanded he do

Unfortunately, yes, it can well do. I take it you haven't had the misfortune to spend a lot of time with controlling people else you'd recognise this for the red flag it is.

Coralnails · 29/12/2018 12:35

Actually I don't think yab particularly u.

I know people are going on about how he isn't obliged to get anything etc. Yes you could look at it that way, but personally I think if you're in a serious relationship with somebody it's normal to buy a gift for their child.

Given the conversation you had about joint gifts, it does rather come across that he's done it to prove a point.

It wouldn't have killed him to buy two small gifts.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2018 12:37

Your last post OP, you bought Christmas presents for your son and signed them from BOTH of you? After this? Why would you even do that?

Sorry but you must be very willing to keep going with this man. That's on you, not him.

Rush, rush, rush... that's how your relationship reads to me.

Coralnails · 29/12/2018 12:38

I think she means her boyfriends presents doesn't she?

Original poster
notagrabbygirlfriend · 29/12/2018 12:40

Sorry, does that read badly? I meant the presents I got for BF from me (us). That it’s a shame DS isn’t here because he would’ve liked to see BF open them.

The presents were bought and wrapped before any of this happened.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2018 12:41

No, Coralnails, boyfriend had seen OP's child open his present from him already.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2018 12:43

Ok OP, that makes sense.

Ultimately though, it doesn't matter what MN says. This is your relationship and you know what you will and won't tolerate so best to make your decision based on what you think.

ChristmasFluff · 29/12/2018 12:45

Well you've told him you 'won't accept it', so if you do accept it, he'll know you don't stick to your boundaries.

People who deliberately test a person's boundaries usually have other toxic stuff going on, but even if not, there's no way out of this now, OP - whatever you meant by 'won't accept it', you have to stick to that. Otherwise you'll find more and more boundary-pushes will follow.

To the outside (and to some posters on this thread), this might look like ending a relationship over a present. But actually it is about ending a relationship over respect for you and your values - or, rather, lack of such respect.

slithytove · 29/12/2018 12:49

So given that it was combined it feels like an intentional, disrespectful snub which is unfair. Unless you pointedly say how strange it was that bf gave ds a Christmas present on his birthday?
This would make me rethink things.

Original poster
notagrabbygirlfriend · 29/12/2018 12:55

BF hasn’t open his presents from me (us) yet. He will be doing so later. I’m half tempted to hand them to him and say ‘Happy birthday!’ or when he starts opening them say, ‘Sorry, I forgot that one is for your birthday.’ Maybe that would get the point across!

Either way I think that this is a shit’s trick. At worst he is deliberately trying to upset me and prove a point on DS’s birthday no less. At best he is thoughtless. Neither are particularly good traits.

As PP said, it’s not breaking up over a present. It’s splitting up over a lack of respect for my morals and respect for me, my feelings and DS’s.

OP posts:
AlaskanOilBaron · 29/12/2018 13:19

You have to be emotionally deficient to not grasp the importance of making a 7 year old feel special on his birthday, particularly one that falls on Christmas Eve -it could so easily get swallowed whole by the festivities.

Ignore anyone who says you're making too much of a present, it's got fuck all to do with the present.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2018 14:00

Oh I think most people understand fine that it's the right thing to do to separate out Birthday from Christmas presents. If they care about the person they have the relationship with, then that's what they do.

This man doesn't care. Not for OP and by extension, her son.

pollymere · 29/12/2018 17:32

We just bought dd a combined present. It means she can have bigger ticket items. Grandparents just bought her a laptop, ditto. It's a tough one.

user1471590586 · 29/12/2018 17:47

10 quid seems pretty stingy and thoughtless for a combined Xmas and Birthday present. Did he spend much on you OP? Hope you haven't spent much on him.

RDR2 · 29/12/2018 18:47

This reply has been deleted

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GinghamStyle · 29/12/2018 19:11

I think the point isn’t about the fact that he thinks somebody with a Christmas birthday should expect to have joint presents. It’s the fact that you had a conversation with him about this very thing, you left it with differing opinions and now that you both haven’t changed your stance on it, you expect him to change his even though you’re not willing to budge on yours.

I think sometimes you have to be blunt with people about things. You need to tell your boyfriend that it’s inportant to you that your son receives a birthday present as well as a separate Christmas present, even if that means getting two small items for a few pounds each.

Almostfifty · 29/12/2018 19:15

It's bloody shitty having a birthday round Christmas. You get combined presents, so precious little to open on whichever day comes second. Birthday gifts get wrapped in Christmas paper, and it's just a non day for the person who's birthday it is.

You understand OP, he's your son and your BF has ignored you and done what he wants. I'd definitely have words and get rid if he doesn't take notice.

Schmoobarb · 29/12/2018 19:17

I agree with you about christmas/birthday presents but you're definitely overreacting

This.

YABU, rude, entitled and grabby. He’s known him 5 minutes ffs!

Lweji · 29/12/2018 19:27

Ignore the arseholes, OP.

Shelby2010 · 29/12/2018 19:44

Pollymere, I think it’s different if the person has requested it, or if it’s clearly a present too big for one event - although my children are too young to recognise monetary value, so it wouldn’t work for them.

However, £10 is hardly a big ticket item and therefore smacks of ‘I can’t be arsed to get 2 presents’ or ‘I disagree with getting 2 presents on principle after our conversation’. He could have wrapped up a box of Maltezers and said ‘this is just a little something for your birthday’.

I don’t like him, and I’ve never even met him.

Lizzie48 · 29/12/2018 19:47

Exactly, @Shelby2010 it isn't about being grabby. The OP has said she wouldn't have minded if he had bought the pressies at Poundland.

@Schmoobarb You're the one who is rude. Are you the OP's BF?

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