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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend only bought DS one present...

327 replies

notagrabbygirlfriend · 28/12/2018 13:25

Been with boyfriend for 1 year. He’s been regularly seeing DS (7) since 6 months into our relationship.

DS is born on Christmas Eve. I expressed to him that I find it really cheeky, cheap and mean when people try to combine his Christmas and birthday present. You wouldn’t do it at any other time of year. Fair enough if it’s a massive or expensive gift that you would have done as a joint anyway, but using the excuse that he is born near Christmas to only get him one thing I find mean and stingy.

We had a big conversation about this and he said he thought I was being rude by expecting two gifts. Of course people would combine due to the time of year. I said it’s cheeky and I wouldn’t accept it for my son. You wouldn’t combine a summer born child’s present with Christmas, you’d be told you were a CF. As I said, expensive gifts I understand, but otherwise no.

Anyway, the day comes around and low and behold he gives my son a combined Christmas and birthday gift. It cost around £10. I don’t care about the price, he could’ve got him two gifts for £5 each. One for birthday, one for Christmas. It’s not about the price, it’s about the principle.

AIBU to think he’s been a complete arse considering he knew my stance on the matter? We’ve only been together a short while so I wouldn’t have really expected him to get him anything. But it feels like he has intentionally done this to make some sort of sanctimonious point?

OP posts:
Picnictime · 29/12/2018 07:39

Yanbu
I'm a December baby and there are a number of things people do that wind me up.

Had you not had a conversation about it, I would say yabu as people just don't think.

I don't think it's worth the 'ditch him' comments. Although when his birthday rolls around wrap it up in congratulations or new baby paper, or ask him to wait until Christmas for the single gift :)

Unambitiousme · 29/12/2018 07:41

She described him as a good partner and good to her son. How is that daming of him, unless you want it to be ? It sounds as if you gave little regard to the update because it didn’t fit into the negative narrative that you’d already formed of him.

Unambitiousme · 29/12/2018 07:43

A narrative based on this one incident

Biologifemini · 29/12/2018 07:45

He might be a good person and nice to your kid but he isn’t family - why should he get x 2 presents? It might be your rule but it isn’t his.
It is your ‘problem’ to sort out your child’s presents.

JudasPrudy · 29/12/2018 07:46

I couldn't be with someone who was spiteful towards me and my son.

subspace · 29/12/2018 07:51

YANBU. I can't believe that for your first Christmas together, your boyfriend deliberately made a point of doing the one thing that he knew would upset you. That makes him a total arse and is a red flag to me.

And no, it's not about the money or gift grabbing. No gifts for the child he only met 6 months ago would be more reasonable. Two separate boxes of chocolate or toys from the £1 shop would have been more reasonable.

WellThisIsShit · 29/12/2018 08:02

As subspace writes “your boyfriend deliberately made a point of doing the one thing that he knew would upset you. That makes him a total arse and is a red flag to me.”

I’d be wondering what else he was going to behave like that about, and whether this is the beginning of him showing the ‘real him’, rather than the charming bait him.

I’d be putting the brakes on big time and seeing exactly where his behaviour is taking this relationship.

OhTheRoses · 29/12/2018 08:06

I'm with the OP on this one. A boyfriend of a year is a serious boyfriend. A boyfried of a year who was introduced to the partner's child six months previously is a very serious boyfriend of a girlfriend who is treating both relationships in a mature and sensible way.

This is a marker about generosity towards someone else's child, yours, op. If I were in this for the long game and really loved the child's parent then I'd be respecting their wishes and being very generous and I hope I'd want to be generous because if I loved the partner I'd hope to be able to love the child too and I'd be building with baby steps a relationship that would be stronger next Christmas.

This isn't the way to be go about forming a long term loving relationship that will involve a step child. Red flag. Big one.

my ds was born on Christmas day and the ILs did this once and I still stew about it - jolly unreasonable and would never have happened if he'd been born on his due date of 25th January

AlaskanOilBaron · 29/12/2018 08:07

She described him as a good partner and good to her son. How is that daming of him, unless you want it to be ? It sounds as if you gave little regard to the update because it didn’t fit into the negative narrative that you’d already formed of him.

Do you understand what 'damning with faint praise' means?

Rubusfruticosus · 29/12/2018 08:13

I don’t think it’s right for parents to combine children’s birthday/Christmas presents but fine for anyone else to.
December birthday here and I agree with this. Though I have had some combined presents from my parents too, so I could get something I wanted that was too much for either birthday or Christmas. It's up to the parents to make a birthday special. A gift from anyone else is just that, freely given, no obligations.

pomobrokemypogo · 29/12/2018 08:16

I don't think YABU at all. You have the right to choose the kind of man you want as a father figure in your son's life, so set dealbreakers where you choose.

And 2 presents is hardly onerous or unreasonable either. A nice BF would surely have made the effort to accommodate you and think of your son's feelings. You weren't asking much. How hard it is to get 2 presents for a child?

Also agree that it is a telling that he chose this issue to make a point with. This does not bode well for a long term relationship. He can be who he wants to be but as the wise MN saying goes, if he is showing you who he is (and waving his red flag aloft) then TAKE NOTE (and act).

OssomMummy1 · 29/12/2018 08:18

FFS.....its not even his child. Still he bought a combined gift worth£10. He is doing what his biological father should have done. WHy is he guilty? get a life.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 29/12/2018 08:21

I think the fact he deliberately challenged a parenting decision is very worrying. I don't think this will work out.

PETRONELLAS · 29/12/2018 08:26

You had the conversation.
He ignored your thoughts.
You know you are NBU.
Ditch.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 29/12/2018 08:28

FFS.....its not even his child. Still he bought a combined gift worth£10. He is doing what his biological father should have done. WHy is he guilty? get a life.

Are you for real?! Because he's in a relationship with the mother! Because most people like small children, and if they don't they shouldn't be pursuing a relationship with someone that has one! Are you saying that if a biological parent doesn't bother a child should feel LUCKY that anyone thinks them worthy enough to bother with?!
If the new (tbh I wouldn't say a year long relationship was new) partner did nasty things and the Mother DIDN'T question it you'd be all over her like a rash. I am so sorry for single parents and the crappy judgements and opinions they have to put up with from people.

santabelly · 29/12/2018 08:32

I’m an early January baby. Fucking annoying when people turn up with gifts wrapped up in Christmas paper. I’d find it equally annoying if I was a December baby.
Set the standard OP. It’s rude plain and simple. Doesn’t matter if you are or aren’t being unreasonable. Plenty of men who won’t do this. Up to you if this is how you want to go forward.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 29/12/2018 08:32

He might be a good person and nice to your kid but he isn’t family - why should he get x 2 presents? It might be your rule but it isn’t his.
It is your ‘problem’ to sort out your child’s presents.

And another that views children as a problem and thinks single parents should be grateful for any scrap of attention thrown their way, no matter how shoddy.

slithytove · 29/12/2018 08:37

How do you know it was combined? Did he outright state this?

LagunaBubbles · 29/12/2018 08:41

but he isn’t family - why should he get x 2 presents?

Because funny enough a birthday isn't the same occasion as Christmas and vice versa. Wouldn't even be an issue if birthday wasn't in December.

MrsWombat · 29/12/2018 08:48

Was it wrapped in Birthday paper or Christmas paper? Did he write a birthday card?

I think only you know if he did this deliberately or not. Whether it was generally thoughtless and done in a rush or deliberately done to see what you would put up with. If he can buy an Easter Egg then surely he could have spent another quid on a selection box. If you are 100% happy with the rest of your relationship I would keep this on the back burner to see if anything else happens.

Lweji · 29/12/2018 08:53

You had the conversation.
He ignored your thoughts.
You know you are NBU.
Ditch.

This.
It's not one thing. It will come out at other times.
It's a matter of preference, because there's no right or wrong way in this, so it comes to respect for you. He is ignoring your wishes.
Ditch.

LannieDuck · 29/12/2018 09:23

Massive red flag for me.

At 6 mths, it's nice of him to buy your kid a gift, although I wouldn't have expected it. I also wouldn't have expected separate gifts except that you'd explicitly had a conversation about it.

Is it the first time you've disagreed about something? He's showing you that his way goes, even when it's about how you parent your child.

I would have a calm, direct conversation about it later. Ask if he did it on purpose. And ask why he felt he could over-ride your parenting wishes.

Valkarie · 29/12/2018 10:28

So the op said she doesn't mind if he bought a present or not, but if he does then to get separate ones for Christmas and birthday. How is that grabby and entitled? She said nothing was perfectly fine. Funny how the people without Christmas birthdays are saying she is unreasonable and those with are saying how much joint presents upset them. I think it is really important to recognise both, especially for a child. I have a Christmas child and s couple of friends with similar days. The adults are quietly and disapointedly resigned by now, but we always make sure that ds has separate party and presents.

OP please make sure you don't buy bf a birthday present, he has had a Christmas one so that is all he thinks matters!

Rubusfruticosus · 29/12/2018 11:17

This thread seems to just be about what the parent wants and has demanded. What does the child want? I didn't mind combined presents as a child and a single £10 present, if it was something I liked, would have been preferable to some tat and some sweets just for the sake of having two presents.

Jellycatspyjamas · 29/12/2018 11:19

He's showing you that his way goes, even when it's about how you parent your child.

He hasn’t made a comment about how she parents her child, he made a decision about his gift giving which is in conflict with her views about gift giving. Nothing to do with how she parents her child. I might believe that I should be showered with gifts from here to hell and back, but my DH doesn’t need to agree with me, nor is he obliged to give me anything.

If the OP was on here saying her new partner was demanding she buy his child two gifts, folk would be equally waving the red flag. If they’re incompatible around their ideas about gifts such is life but it doesn’t mean he’s controlling or manipulative because he didn’t do what she demanded he do.

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