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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To object to M-i-L's gift?

200 replies

SharpLily · 28/12/2018 12:50

To get it out of the way, my M-i-L is a horrible controlling, manipulative woman. Huge family resentments surround her but my husband, although he doesn't like her or enjoy her company, is a dutiful son and prefers to ignore all of it. I don't want to make him upset or uncomfortable so I keep my opinion of her to myself and do my best to remain civil.

Before Christmas, M-i-L called me to ask what Christmas presents would be good for our four year old daughter (M-i-L has eight grandchildren but because all her other kids and stepdaughter hate her, our daughter is the only one she has access to and so she tends to spoil her. Fair enough.). M-i-L said she'd seen some bed covers she liked.

At this point I said that sounds lovely but please not bed covers - I explained politely but clearly that for various complicated reasons my husband and I have not yet been able to make a nice bedroom of her own for our daughter but we are currently in the middle of reforming the house and soon she will have her own lovely bedroom for the first time - this bit M-i-L knows. I told her that we had been looking forward to doing this for a long time and had promised our daughter she could choose her own things (from an edited selection!). I explained that she is excited about her bedroom, we had looked through Pinterest together and she had shown us how she would like her room to look and we had all agreed to make her room look like this.

Cut to Christmas Day and what has M-i-l bought? Fucking bed covers.

They don't at all go with the style of room being planned. They're very nice and good quality but they're just not what we've been looking at and planning for so long. I hate waste however and am gnashing my teeth at the thought of just giving them away or of having to keep them to use them just when M-i-L visits. I'm just really annoyed that she she ignored our clear wishes just because she had to do things her way. Am I being precious or is she a cow?

OP posts:
alittlepieceofme · 28/12/2018 19:26

YANBU, I told my ex MIL exactly what I was getting DS for his birthday and Christmas (his main presents) so she wouldn't get the same and wait for it.... she bought exactly the same for his birthday and Christmas and then said in front of her family on Christmas Day that the main present was her idea!!!!!! I bit my tongue very hard and just smiled! I feel like she was trying to bait me but I won't fall for it! Kill them with kindness! You will never win against certain types!

Next year I'm telling her he's having a pony! Wink

She has a history of being like this!

GerdaLovesLiIi · 28/12/2018 20:16

I love the Large family.
Five Minute's Peace is wonderful.

Notonthestairs · 28/12/2018 20:35

However the general opinion seems to be that we are being unreasonable to object to M-i-L buying something she was specifically and politely asked not to buy for good reasons. Good to know.

No, this isn't correct - I think people agree it is annoying and worth a wee moan. But I (and others) have definitely encouraged you to give less of a shit. It's sheets. You can donate, chop up or use in emergencies. If she's upset then it's on her to manage her emotions not you.

TellerTuesday4EVA · 28/12/2018 20:52

Spoiling the life out of her by buying bedcovers for Christmas!! Just don't use them 🤷🏻‍♀️! I couldn't get worked up over it tbh

Fairylightfurore · 28/12/2018 20:57

Charity shop. Don't pander to her by using them when she's over. If you hide them now your dd won't even remember them when it's time to choose her own.

GodrestyemerrySchadenfreud · 28/12/2018 21:05
GodrestyemerrySchadenfreud · 28/12/2018 21:10

I think people agree it is annoying and worth a wee moan. But I (and others) have definitely encouraged you to give less of a shit. It's sheets. You can donate, chop up or use in emergencies. If she's upset then it's on her to manage her emotions not you.

This ^

It would have brought my piss to the boil, but I wouldn't even have let it simmer for as long as this, let alone have it roiling!

She's not worth it.

Dispose of the bedlinen and when she asks where it is (why should she?) tell her that, as you specifically said, YOU DIDN'T WANT IT!

GodrestyemerrySchadenfreud · 28/12/2018 21:10

Bold fail for quote - sorry.

Thetruthwillout80 · 28/12/2018 21:14

It sounds like she'd already bought it before 'asking'.

PurpleCrowbar · 28/12/2018 23:58

Ok, so what's her motivation - why has she done this & what is she hoping for?

Either a) she is a bit ditzy & has totally forgotten your conversation, which seems improbable from the rest of your posts or b) she is an interfering type who gets a bit of a kick out of imagining you having to put up with her taste in duvet covers, mwahahaha, or c) she is actually, actively trying to be unpleasant & piss you off. She WANTS you to be upset & maybe row with your dp.

Assuming it's either b or c - what takes that power away?

Stop giving a shit about the bed linen. Give it to the charity shop or relegate it to the 'in case of bed wetting &/or norovirus' shelf, if you can be arsed to have one.

If MIL ever asks, look vague, & say you can't really recall what you did with it. Say something wafty & non committal about bundling some unwanted sheets up for a local charity...

Just be hugely not interested in bed linen! Rinse & repeat re sexist books or any other inappropriate & unwanted gifts. Aim to look mildly perplexed when they're mentioned.

Guineapiglet345 · 29/12/2018 00:23

OP my daughter got those awful elephant books too! I thought they must be satire or those ones that look like kids books but are actually for adults but they’re not, they’re just going horrendous!

justilou1 · 29/12/2018 03:39

My mother was like your MIL - if you ask her NOT to buy something, she would buy exactly that thing. Worse, if she asked what YOU were buying, she'd try and out do you - for example, if you were buying a silver charm bracelet, she'd buy a gold one - full of charms. (Or a tiara).... Good thing we never told her we were buying a puppy, or she would have shown up with a bloody pony. She was that kind of person. Meanwhile, my MIL, is soooooo spiteful, she plays favourites with my kids. She called my 13 year old a "slut" because she liked to experiment with makeup (in her own bedroom), she sent my then 11 year old b/g twins statement presents - the boy had a small ziplock bag with used, fake lego and a card with $5, and his twin sister had a big box with nail polishes, tat jewellery, lip glosses, hair doodads, etc (six weeks after calling the big sister a slut, btw) and a card with $50. I have given my kids permission to euthanase me should I come close to any of this kind of crap.

BabyItsAWildWorld · 29/12/2018 04:01

If you are a reasonable and balanced person it should be no more than mildly irritating to be bought something you don't want.

You just have to say thank you and then either get rid of the present or put it away to get out when crap present buyer visits. Your choice depending on whether you care about the crap present buyer or not.

You can't control what others buy or give, and trying to, or spending time ruminating because people won't do what you've said, indicates that you have lost the rational balanced position.

So that combined with your need to censor children's books in case your child is exposed to a mild 'wrong' or outdated view which their real life experience would mitigate against- suggests to me you are hard work, controlling and therefore a possible nightmare mil of the future yourself.

Twillow · 29/12/2018 04:09

Just get rid. Preferably ebay but otherwise charity shop. If she ever asks where they are you can in all honesty tell her they didn't fit your duvets.
I wish I was the kind of person to say at the time what a previous poster said 'why have you bought these when I asked you not too?'!

ifeellikeanidiot · 29/12/2018 04:22

You are massively escalating a tiny issue. Smile politely and then forget about it. Exercise a bit of common sense about what to do with the covers (hide, donate, sell, whatever works for you). Escalating such a small issue isn’t without consequences.

Thetruthwillout80 · 29/12/2018 04:32

Regift it back to her, next year.

OrangeJellySpread · 29/12/2018 04:39

It doesn't matter. Be gracious, say thank you, keep them as spares.

This, and grow up.

chardonm · 29/12/2018 04:40

Wow who cares. People who are talking about returning them as "not wanted"?! Is this the real world.

OrangeJellySpread · 29/12/2018 04:49

For what it's worth I am aware I'm overthinking this, but I'm 34 weeks pregnant and on enforced bed rest - I'm bored and totally hormonal!

Why is it is many unreasonable OPs here always drip feed that ohhh I'm pregnant so give me a break. No, thats not a valid excuse to behave like an ungrateful twat.

SadOtter · 29/12/2018 05:08

I love the Large family books. I have read 5 minutes peace to so many children now that I know the entire story off by heart!

The bedding would annoy me though. Its that you've told her its something you are looking forward to doing with DD. My MIL stepped in and bought DD her first school shoes and her first earrings both times knowing it was something DD and I were going to go out and do together. She bought DD bedding and pyjamas for Christmas too, knowing that I always buy DD new bedding and pyjamas to have after midnight mass (because that's what my mum always did). Its the control and the deliberately trying to butt in something nice you're trying to do for your DD.

Notveryadventurousname · 29/12/2018 05:30

Try 'Peace At Last'.

FenellasRedVelvetDress · 29/12/2018 05:35

If I am completly wrong here please excuse me. It’s 05.30am and I’m knackered but can’t sleep. I am confused about two points.

How can your MIL be closer in age to you than your husband is? How did she manage to give birth to him and be younger than him?

I think you should forget about the duvet and the books and focus on getting your daughters bedroom ready for her pronto. She is 4 years old and still sleeping in a COT jammed next to your bed?? That must be too small for her - she needs a bed FGS! And what are you going to do when the baby comes in 6 weeks? Jam it in the cot with her??

HappyBumbleBee · 29/12/2018 05:38

The UK has different size beds and duvets to the rest of Europe
Since when????
And if she's a 6hr drive away, where is she or you in the world that duvets where she lives are different to yours???

Sorry OP but the more you post the more ridiculous this all sounds!

So She didn't just get her the duvet set? She got her other gifts aswell that you're equally ungrateful for - "oh god yes a box full of stuff"??
I understand you had the conversation you did with her beforehand, but why are you here moaning when you know what she's like (everyone else has cut her off)
Maybe she thought she'd get them anyway and you could use them for spares, or maybe she did it just too piss you off, who knows? But does it really matter??!!

junebirthdaygirl · 29/12/2018 05:39

For goodness sake !! You're worried your dd will be brainwashed by a few heartwarming stories of an ELEPHANT family. I despair for the next generation. Do you not know your dd learns from you and your dh over years , not from a few cosy bed time sessions.
I read those books to mine. Have fond memories of them. But fortunately my dc saw their df do lots of housework, nappy changing and all child rearing choes phew!! No wonder they have grown up to copy him.
As for the bed covers. How much room can a pack with quilt cover take up? Remember your dd is learning from you so be careful how you talk about your mil in her presence. You wouldn't want her to grow upp treating you like that, would you??

HappyBumbleBee · 29/12/2018 05:40

Ps Don't even get me started on a 4yr old sleeping in a cot beside your bed still! Confused

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