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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To object to M-i-L's gift?

200 replies

SharpLily · 28/12/2018 12:50

To get it out of the way, my M-i-L is a horrible controlling, manipulative woman. Huge family resentments surround her but my husband, although he doesn't like her or enjoy her company, is a dutiful son and prefers to ignore all of it. I don't want to make him upset or uncomfortable so I keep my opinion of her to myself and do my best to remain civil.

Before Christmas, M-i-L called me to ask what Christmas presents would be good for our four year old daughter (M-i-L has eight grandchildren but because all her other kids and stepdaughter hate her, our daughter is the only one she has access to and so she tends to spoil her. Fair enough.). M-i-L said she'd seen some bed covers she liked.

At this point I said that sounds lovely but please not bed covers - I explained politely but clearly that for various complicated reasons my husband and I have not yet been able to make a nice bedroom of her own for our daughter but we are currently in the middle of reforming the house and soon she will have her own lovely bedroom for the first time - this bit M-i-L knows. I told her that we had been looking forward to doing this for a long time and had promised our daughter she could choose her own things (from an edited selection!). I explained that she is excited about her bedroom, we had looked through Pinterest together and she had shown us how she would like her room to look and we had all agreed to make her room look like this.

Cut to Christmas Day and what has M-i-l bought? Fucking bed covers.

They don't at all go with the style of room being planned. They're very nice and good quality but they're just not what we've been looking at and planning for so long. I hate waste however and am gnashing my teeth at the thought of just giving them away or of having to keep them to use them just when M-i-L visits. I'm just really annoyed that she she ignored our clear wishes just because she had to do things her way. Am I being precious or is she a cow?

OP posts:

MyMuffinsStuck · 28/12/2018 14:14

This winds me up. You were asked for ideas, you were clear about not getting bed covers and reasons why not. She got them anyway. And in a size that doesn't fit your bedding. Not precious. Very frustrating.

Not quite the same but we have frustrations when one particular relative gets my DD clothes for christmas. Her birthday is a few weeks after and she's very tall so we always say clothes would be lovely but to get her the next age up. (E.g she's nearly 5, so get age 5-6). But again this year, clothes age 4-5! And yes it sounds ungrateful to be frustrated but we're now 5years in, they're always too small, they don't include gift receipt and sometimes remove label so can't exchange sizes.

glueandstick · 28/12/2018 14:14

It’s really hard to over come that mentality but my god it’s bloody amazing when you do!

Notonthestairs · 28/12/2018 14:14

Just hand them to a charity shop (marked European sizes). I buy old sheets as dust sheets for decorating.

And then forget all about it.

She lives 6 hours away so it's not like she will know. You'll feel a lot happier if you tried to disengage a bit. You won't change her so best off ignoring (unless abusive).

zeeboo · 28/12/2018 14:16

I was on the fence over the bed covers but you are cross with her sending you a set of Jill Murphy's Large family books???? They are wonderful stories and as books aren't cheap these days, a generous one to boot. They are favourites here and something I will definitely be buying my future grandchildren. Let's just hope their mothers aren't ungrateful control freaks shall we!

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 14:17

I have tried to love Konmari - I got rid of a load of stuff and then was really pissed off when I needed loads of it shortly after

I find the group useful for feeling Ok about throwing shit away and people giving you good reasons to not hold on to everything

Original poster

SharpLily · 28/12/2018 14:19

I've never heard of them before. They looked cute but I don't want my child learning that it's 'kind' of her father to actually be a father. Or that she should feel ashamed of her weight... I haven't looked at the rest yet, that's just the first two I picked up.

OP posts:

LIZS · 28/12/2018 14:22

Fgs , it sounds as if you have overthought this! What other stories do you feel the need to protect your dc from?!

Original poster

SharpLily · 28/12/2018 14:22

She lives 6 hours away so it's not like she will know.

Oh she'll know - she will definitely ask where they are when she visits and they won't be on the bed, but to be honest being able to express my frustration here has given me some gumption about dealing with that when the time comes.

There is a nearby orphanage which will definitely appreciate the bed covers - I'm tempted to order a duvet and pillow from the UK to go with them just so I can enjoy giving them away but it's just too petty.

OP posts:

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 14:23

Fgs , it sounds as if you have overthought this! What other stories do you feel the need to protect your dc from?!

It's called parenting.

OP she probably didn't even read the books though I'd promptly bin myself too.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 28/12/2018 14:24

I get the wanting to avoid waste, my childhood was a bit like that, but if you re-gift, sell or donate the unwanted presents and bed linen it is not wasted, just being used by someone other than your family. You just need to get it out of the house asap so it is not cluttering up your home and the quickest way is to donate, so get DH to take everything to a charity shop asap, then you can relax.

I guarantee once it is all gone you won't give it any more head space. I get it is annoying, but Op, let it go, let it go aaaaand breathe.

Original poster

SharpLily · 28/12/2018 14:24

Fgs , it sounds as if you have overthought this! What other stories do you feel the need to protect your dc from?!

None - although I have pointed out to her that Jack & the Beanstalk glorifies stealing and that's a bad thing. Also that Red Riding Hood is clearly thick as pigshit for not noticing her grandmother had been replaced by a great hairy wolf. She agrees.

OP posts:

stayathomer · 28/12/2018 14:24

Yanbu but you are being a bit ott

Ellie56 · 28/12/2018 14:26

Red Riding Hood is clearly thick as pigshit for not noticing her grandmother had been replaced by a great hairy wolf.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/12/2018 14:26

Pick your battles, and this one is extremely petty. Keep them as spares, you never know when they might be needed or give them to charity.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/12/2018 14:30

Oh she'll know - she will definitely ask where they are when she visits and they won't be on the bed

But MIL I told you not to buy them they don't fit our bedding.

lau888 · 28/12/2018 14:33

She's not going to change at her age. Just use the bed sheets as dust covers when you decorate the new bedroom. They will be very useful for catching paint or paste drips. Then you can bin them. It will save you having to buy dust covers or sacrifice sheets you do like. x

Witchend · 28/12/2018 14:33

I'm still trying to get my head around why a 4 year old would want bed linen as a gift .
My ds got duvet covers aged 4yo from my mil. He was delighted and 7 years later he's just beginning to think they might be a little young for him, but he doesn't want to get rid of them as he loves them so.

Original poster

SharpLily · 28/12/2018 14:41

Just use the bed sheets as dust covers when you decorate the new bedroom. They will be very useful for catching paint or paste drips.

Kind of off-topic but would people really used brand new bed sheets as dust covers? Are my issues with waste going too far that I find that shocking?

But MIL I told you not to buy them
I realise this is what I shall have to do but it does make things rather awkward because she will make an argument of it. It's just not fair on my husband.

OP posts:

Limensoda · 28/12/2018 14:43

I thought you were OTT about the duvet cover but the banning of books and being disgusted with the fairy tales, leaves no doubt whatsoever.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/12/2018 14:44

If you don’t want your dd to learn the stereotypes in the stories, it’s easy to change the words a bit, surely? Your dd is 4. She isn’t going to pick this up. That’s what I used to do.

As for the duvet covers, I’d make them smaller for the cot bed and use them now for your dd then your unborn child.

Stop winding yourself up with problems. It’s doing you no good. Try and find satisfying solutions.

Original poster

SharpLily · 28/12/2018 14:46

Try and find satisfying solutions.

Would killing the old moo be acceptable?

OP posts:

littlecloudling · 28/12/2018 14:50

Ffs, OP I get this completely. It's really annoying. I'd be so peeved I'd probably take them straight to a chairtiry shop!

Original poster

SharpLily · 28/12/2018 14:53

Ffs, OP I get this completely. It's really annoying.

Thank you, @littlecloudling. I think I may have over complicated matters by giving the whole story. If I had just originally posted "Is M-i-L unreasonable for buying our daughter a completely irrelevant and inappropriate gift which she had been specifically told not to buy?" then answers may have been different...

OP posts:

Cuppateeee · 28/12/2018 14:56

Tbh I thought you were going to say she’d gone and bought all sorts of hideous stufff like lampshades and rugs! So be glad it’s just a cover

ErrolTheDragon · 28/12/2018 15:00

she will make an argument of it.

So, you need to block that. If she asks where they are, respond cheerfully that it turned out fine, that although you'd asked her not to get them, and they didn't fit your duvets, the orphanage was delighted with them and they're making an unfortunate child happy.

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