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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to M-i-L's gift?

200 replies

SharpLily · 28/12/2018 12:50

To get it out of the way, my M-i-L is a horrible controlling, manipulative woman. Huge family resentments surround her but my husband, although he doesn't like her or enjoy her company, is a dutiful son and prefers to ignore all of it. I don't want to make him upset or uncomfortable so I keep my opinion of her to myself and do my best to remain civil.

Before Christmas, M-i-L called me to ask what Christmas presents would be good for our four year old daughter (M-i-L has eight grandchildren but because all her other kids and stepdaughter hate her, our daughter is the only one she has access to and so she tends to spoil her. Fair enough.). M-i-L said she'd seen some bed covers she liked.

At this point I said that sounds lovely but please not bed covers - I explained politely but clearly that for various complicated reasons my husband and I have not yet been able to make a nice bedroom of her own for our daughter but we are currently in the middle of reforming the house and soon she will have her own lovely bedroom for the first time - this bit M-i-L knows. I told her that we had been looking forward to doing this for a long time and had promised our daughter she could choose her own things (from an edited selection!). I explained that she is excited about her bedroom, we had looked through Pinterest together and she had shown us how she would like her room to look and we had all agreed to make her room look like this.

Cut to Christmas Day and what has M-i-l bought? Fucking bed covers.

They don't at all go with the style of room being planned. They're very nice and good quality but they're just not what we've been looking at and planning for so long. I hate waste however and am gnashing my teeth at the thought of just giving them away or of having to keep them to use them just when M-i-L visits. I'm just really annoyed that she she ignored our clear wishes just because she had to do things her way. Am I being precious or is she a cow?

OP posts:
SmokeGetsInYourEye · 28/12/2018 13:03

And I think you are being precious - say thank you and move on. Use them for spares when your dd has sleepovers.

GemmeFatale · 28/12/2018 13:05

Post them back to her for exchange/return/charity donation. Make it clear that you said no both because daughter has already identified preferred items and because they won’t fit and so are returning them.

Otherwise you’ll get this every year.

XiCi · 28/12/2018 13:05

Ebay or charity shop. Hardly worth keeping as spares if they don't fit your duvets or pillowcases. Did she buy other presents for your dd? I'd hardly call getting her a duvet cover spoiling her!

greendale17 · 28/12/2018 13:05

So you told specifically told her NOT to buy bed covers. But she goes and buys bed covers anyway.

YANBU at all. What is with people deliberately not listening to other people’s wishes? It is not hard!!!!!!

DBN1 · 28/12/2018 13:07

aren't duvets a standard size? No. I don't live in the UK but I have a duvet bought in England as well as one bought here. I also have duvet covers from the UK and here. I can only use the UK duvet with the UK covers. The ones here are either too big length wise or too narrow.

Original poster
SharpLily · 28/12/2018 13:08

The pillow thing I get, but aren't duvets a standard size?

The UK has different size beds and duvets to the rest of Europe.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/12/2018 13:08

People like her will never change if nobody stands up to her. No point in moaning if you aren't going to do anything about it!
So what if it offends DH? Sounds like MIL has offended everyone else in her family!

Gina2012 · 28/12/2018 13:08

our daughter is the only one she has access to and so she tends to spoil her

With bed covers ? ConfusedHmm

I'd take them back and exchange

GooodMythicalMorning · 28/12/2018 13:09

EBay it if it doesnt fit and cant be used for spares. She won't remember.

BaronessBomburst · 28/12/2018 13:10

@DBN1 where's here?

I've got bedding from the UK, NL, DE, and IKEA. Luckily the sheets and duvets are interchangeable but I ended up with a selection of pillows. Grin

UserName31456789 · 28/12/2018 13:10

Giving them away isn't waste though someone will appreciate them, either that or you'll have spares. It's annoying she ignored you but not a big deal, just one more thing to ignore.

DBN1 · 28/12/2018 13:11

OP I understand that you don't want to have to store things that aren't needed/suitable, we don't have much storage space so I try to only keep things that we want/use. If you sell on a local FB page just make sure it's a closed group and go through your privacy settings so that MIL can't see all your activity. If you do go down that route and she did see it then just tell her - you asked her not to buy bedding and you can't use it so are selling it and then buying your daughter something she actually wants/needs.

Gina2012 · 28/12/2018 13:11

Oh sorry - didn't see the bit about exchange not possible

I'd send them back to her and explain that they're not suitable as already explained by you

What is it with all these fucking wimpy men who are scared of their mothers?

Jeez 🤪

NothingOnTellyAgain · 28/12/2018 13:13

Bedding is a shit present for a little kid though.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 28/12/2018 13:14

If she really wanted to spoil her I can think of other things a little kid might prefer Grin

I think if you explcitly said don't buy bed covers and she bought bed covers then that is crappy yes. Did you give her alternative ideas?

DBN1 · 28/12/2018 13:15

BaronessBomburst Nowhere European Wink Funnily enough pillows & cases aren't a problem, just the bloody duvets/covers. It means I need double the amount of cover sets as the duvet from here is for autum/spring and the UK duvet is for winter. It would be so much better if they were all one size

Original poster
SharpLily · 28/12/2018 13:17

Did she buy other presents for your dd? I'd hardly call getting her a duvet cover spoiling her!

Oh God yes, a huge box of stuff and most of it is pretty awful, I think that's partly why this is bothering me so much. I realise that in theory keeping them as spares shouldn't be such an issue but I just don't understand why someone would do such a thing when they've been given a good reason not to Sad.

My husband is a bit gutted but already feels heavily the responsibility of being the only child who will have anything to do with her and so doesn't want anything to be said about it.

The reasons she's never had her own room are quite loaded with emotional issues for us so the whole idea of being able to give her this room has become incredibly important - she's still in a cot shoved down the side of our bed! This means using them now isn't possible either.

OP posts:
thisisjustdaft · 28/12/2018 13:18

Spending ages talking to older people about something you don't want and why, and not mentioning what you do want is bound to result in failure IMO.

Either A - They will only listen to half of what you say, forget most of the rest, and when they go shopping all they will remember is the name of said item you mentioned.
Or B - They will passive-aggressively buy the thing you don't want on purpose.

Far better to not mention it at all really. If you hadn't said you didn't want her to get bedding, then it probably wouldn't even have occurred to her to buy them at all.

DelphiniumBlue · 28/12/2018 13:20

I do think you are being a bit precious, you're talking about bed covers for a 4 year old which don't match a room that hasn't yet been decorated!
You have a lot of options , including dyeing them, using them until the room is decorated, keeping them as spares, giving them away, or selling them.
If they don't fit, then that's your perfect excuse for not using them!

BlueJava · 28/12/2018 13:21

So what - just let DD use them now. Then keep them as spares when you re-do her room. It's a bit of a weird gift for a kid, but no harm done.

Limensoda · 28/12/2018 13:21

Making a mountain out of a molehill!
You don't have to have an argument. You simply ask her why she bought bed covers when you specifically asked her not to.
Don't get drawn into an argument....just repeat the question if she avoids.
Then say 'well, it's a shame because we won't be able to use them'
Or just use as spares!!
I think you prefer to be angry tbh.

Original poster
SharpLily · 28/12/2018 13:21

What is it with all these fucking wimpy men who are scared of their mothers?

I think that's oversimplifying a bit!

If I were to object to the bed covers she would turn it into a row. There's no question about it and it's why she's in the lonely position she is. Forced to choose between us (and she would make him) I have no doubt at all that my husband would put me over her. There would be no surprises to me there. However I don't want to put him in that position as I don't think it's fair to him.

OP posts:
choli · 28/12/2018 13:23

Smile and say thank you, and move on. Seriously, how much headspace are you planning to waste on this?

Jux · 28/12/2018 13:23

Just ebay them. They don't fit your duvets so they're useless. Put the money in an account for dd. Ifmil asks just tell what you've done because they didn't fit. She can't reasonably complain, as it's no-one's fault except her own that they don't fit. Tell her the money has gone into dd's account.

Original poster
SharpLily · 28/12/2018 13:24

Far better to not mention it at all really. If you hadn't said you didn't want her to get bedding, then it probably wouldn't even have occurred to her to buy them at all.

Huh? That's not what happened - she said she wanted to get bed covers and I asked her not to!

And I have explained why they're not usable now.

OP posts:
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