To object to M-i-L's gift?

[SharpLily]

To get it out of the way, my M-i-L is a horrible controlling, manipulative woman. Huge family resentments surround her but my husband, although he doesn't like her or enjoy her company, is a dutiful son and prefers to ignore all of it. I don't want to make him upset or uncomfortable so I keep my opinion of her to myself and do my best to remain civil.

Before Christmas, M-i-L called me to ask what Christmas presents would be good for our four year old daughter (M-i-L has eight grandchildren but because all her other kids and stepdaughter hate her, our daughter is the only one she has access to and so she tends to spoil her. Fair enough.). M-i-L said she'd seen some bed covers she liked.

At this point I said that sounds lovely but please not bed covers - I explained politely but clearly that for various complicated reasons my husband and I have not yet been able to make a nice bedroom of her own for our daughter but we are currently in the middle of reforming the house and soon she will have her own lovely bedroom for the first time - this bit M-i-L knows. I told her that we had been looking forward to doing this for a long time and had promised our daughter she could choose her own things (from an edited selection!). I explained that she is excited about her bedroom, we had looked through Pinterest together and she had shown us how she would like her room to look and we had all agreed to make her room look like this.

Cut to Christmas Day and what has M-i-l bought? Fucking bed covers.

They don't at all go with the style of room being planned. They're very nice and good quality but they're just not what we've been looking at and planning for so long. I hate waste however and am gnashing my teeth at the thought of just giving them away or of having to keep them to use them just when M-i-L visits. I'm just really annoyed that she she ignored our clear wishes just because she had to do things her way. Am I being precious or is she a cow?

You don't want your daughter exposed to sexism and misogynism, which is great. It's a shame you don't seem to feel the same about ageist language used about older women.

Tbh I thought you were going to say she’d gone and bought all sorts of hideous stufff like lampshades and rugs!

Oh I can see that happening! Actually it kind of has - she sent us an old rug of hers we'd told her we didn't want. Fortunately the dog pissed on it right in front of her so we were able to get rid of that one.

You don't want your daughter exposed to sexism and misogynism, which is great. It's a shame you don't seem to feel the same about ageist language used about older women.

Fair point but there's a large age gap between my husband and me, and M-i-L is actually only a very few years older than I am. Certainly closer to me in age than my husband is so I'm not going to worry about that one too much.

I understand why you need a moan. But you really are spending far too long giving this headspace.

Granny visits whenever asks about bed sheets - "oh dear Child/cat/husband was sick/spilled Ribena/knocked baby oil on them. Yes, what a shame."

Repeat with any other random unusable gifts. Job done.

Trust me I am fully qualified in managing difficult family members. I survive with a thick skin and by acknowledging that they can only annoy me if I let them.

If the sheets are nice give them away. If horrible use as dust sheets - you'll need something and will save you buying plastic sheets from Homebase. By all means torture yourself about it if you must. It just seems like a bit of waste of energy when you aren't feeling that well anyway.

You might not worry about it but your use of terms like "old bat" and "old moo" are ageist and against MN talk guidelines so I've helpfully reported you for them.

Jill Murphy still thinks we're living in the Fifties.

do NOT speak disrespectfully of JILL MURPHY!!!!!

Her "Five Minutes Peace" got me through as many years worth of toddlerdom!

My MIL specifically contacted me to ask what would be a suitable gift for DS. I said anything from his Amazon wish list, as she already knows.

She suggested Lego. I said no, Lego isn’t on his wish list. If he wanted Lego it would be on his wish list. As she already knows. He wants trains. Trains are on his wish list. There’s a link to a specific train set that’s suitable for his age group.

MIL then bought a train set. NOT the one from the wish list. A bigger, more expensive set that’s labelled as suitable for a child 3-4 years older than DS. A set he’s too young to play with safely.

So I still had to purchase the toddler train set from his wish list because he wanted it. Then DH had to make a whole performance of unwrapping the unsuitable set that MIL bought, photographing DS with it, then packing it away for a few years until he’s old enough to play with it by which point he might not be interested in trains any more

DS is now playing happily with the train set I bought and has no gift from his Gran because it’s put away. It’s utterly pointless and I have no idea why she bothered asking me what he wanted if she was just going to ignore me. But you just have to let people get on with it and put their wasted purchases away. They will never listen.

Great! Wow. Haven't been here for a while - what the hell has happened?

@Silkei I think we may have the same M-i-L!

Sell them on eBay?
Use them as spares?
Make cushion covers with them?

Yes, she should have listened to what you said, I would be annoyed too but spare bedding is always handy.

Nothing to worry about Lily

Just the usual vindictive, ageist, MIL loathing and over-dramatised mayhem (with a touch of heresy against the sainted Jill Murphy - it'll be Shirley Hughes next - you mark my words!).

OK, so who is Jill Murphy and why is she so loved?

The large family books are old. If you look in the front cover at least a fair few are 30 years or more old.

The moral of the diet one is that elephants are meant to be elephant shaped and so they all Jack the diet in and none of the rest of them ever thought she needed it.

I understand editing books, but really save your ire for peppa pig and the mr men books which are breath takingly awful!

She was BU about the duvets. Bung them in the next charity bag through the door. You’re giving her head space. If it washes over you more she won’t ‘win’.

OP You've made it clear that your MIL has 7 children she doesn't get to see because she is so vile.

That even your husband doesn't like her.

And that YOU STILL talk to her and deal with Christmas presents and do the wife work with her... and that's not good enough obviously.

You mother in law hating bitch

You mother in law hating bitch hmm

I am!

To be clear, she has four children and a stepchild, from whom there are eight grandchildren so far and currently at least two more on the way. Everyone else hates her. When I first met her I thought they were all very mean spirited. I learned the hard way!

Actually, I'm in Forn Parts & UK sized bedding works fine if you put a cheap fleece blanket, folded to fit, inside, instead of a duvet. Jolly useful on warmer nights or indeed as an extra layer on colder ones.

But if they annoy you that much - just give the buggers away & forget about them. If MIL strops, let her.

I'm with you in the elephant books though, ghastly. Although I love The Worst Witch which are also by JM.

Re the bedding yanbu- but can you make something out of it? Cut it and make some cushion covers of just use it as a sheet? The books you Are bu. Its about context, you may not agree with the stereotype, but some people do still live like that! You may not agree but it happens, read her the book then read her one that fits your standards, and talk about the context and the difference! Teach her acceptance of other peoples choices and diversity!

My husband is a bit gutted but already feels heavily the responsibility of being the only child who will have anything to do with her and so doesn't want anything to be said about it.

Your DH doesn't have any responsibility. If the others aren't talking to her, then from what you describe its her own fault and her responsibility. Not your DH's.

You always need spares for when they're inevitably throwing up in bed.

but some people do still live like that!
Er, we live like that actually! I'm happy to be a housewife and take care of the much hated 'wife work' - I just started reading and didn't like the undertones. It smacked very much of that thing you hear a lot about on here when men are 'babysitting' their children. It had never occurred to me to mind the expression until I read about the hatred for it on Mumsnet and then it made perfect sense. These books feel like that - like a mother should be grateful when a father deigns to 'babysit' his own children. Yuk.

Your DH doesn't have any responsibility. If the others aren't talking to her, then from what you describe its her own fault and her responsibility. Not your DH's.
I know but he feels very conflicted about it. He is a very kind, sensitive man and the complications of these relationships aren't easy for him to handle.

However the general opinion seems to be that we are being unreasonable to object to M-i-L buying something she was specifically and politely asked not to buy for good reasons. Good to know.

The Large Family books are lovely and are classics.

the general opinion seems to be that we are being unreasonable to object to M-i-L buying something she was specifically and politely asked not to buy for good reasons

Not unreasonable to object so much as unreasonable to give such a degree of head space this (fairly minor) issue, I think

@zeeboo it's only £8 for three of the Jill Murphy books, hardly a fortune..

I hate, loathe and detest the Large family and particularly Five Minutes Peace. Mummy Large is such a passive martyr. Shut the fucking bathroom door and lock it FFS!

YOU TAKE THAT BACK LIBRARYMISS!