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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To object to M-i-L's gift?

200 replies

SharpLily · 28/12/2018 12:50

To get it out of the way, my M-i-L is a horrible controlling, manipulative woman. Huge family resentments surround her but my husband, although he doesn't like her or enjoy her company, is a dutiful son and prefers to ignore all of it. I don't want to make him upset or uncomfortable so I keep my opinion of her to myself and do my best to remain civil.

Before Christmas, M-i-L called me to ask what Christmas presents would be good for our four year old daughter (M-i-L has eight grandchildren but because all her other kids and stepdaughter hate her, our daughter is the only one she has access to and so she tends to spoil her. Fair enough.). M-i-L said she'd seen some bed covers she liked.

At this point I said that sounds lovely but please not bed covers - I explained politely but clearly that for various complicated reasons my husband and I have not yet been able to make a nice bedroom of her own for our daughter but we are currently in the middle of reforming the house and soon she will have her own lovely bedroom for the first time - this bit M-i-L knows. I told her that we had been looking forward to doing this for a long time and had promised our daughter she could choose her own things (from an edited selection!). I explained that she is excited about her bedroom, we had looked through Pinterest together and she had shown us how she would like her room to look and we had all agreed to make her room look like this.

Cut to Christmas Day and what has M-i-l bought? Fucking bed covers.

They don't at all go with the style of room being planned. They're very nice and good quality but they're just not what we've been looking at and planning for so long. I hate waste however and am gnashing my teeth at the thought of just giving them away or of having to keep them to use them just when M-i-L visits. I'm just really annoyed that she she ignored our clear wishes just because she had to do things her way. Am I being precious or is she a cow?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/12/2018 13:45

I can't see any choice but to keep them as spares

Donate them to charity. Someone will be really pleased to have them.

I think you are making this so much harder than it has to be. Tell her you gave them away because you didn't want them. So what if she doesn't like it. Tough.

And encourage your dh to stop pandering to her too.

Yearofthemum · 28/12/2018 13:45

A gift is just that. You don't always get to choose.

exLtEveDallas · 28/12/2018 13:50

Charity shop OP. If MIL ever asks you can just tell her they didn't fit.

I don't think you are being precious at all. It's a shit gift for a 4 year old and isn't anything she'd miss.

I feel your pain about the differing sizes. I have a German King Size bed. I have to buy new mattress, quilts and sheets online or from Ikea and they always cost more. It pains me when I see bedding I like in my local shops because I know it won't fit (Yes I can buy a UK quilt and quilt cover, but not in a set because the fitted sheet, won't Smile)

Dermymc · 28/12/2018 13:53

Just say thank you and move on with your life.

missnevermind · 28/12/2018 13:55

I would,
Buy or use original cot bed quilt and alter new bedding to fit (it’s really easy, just a couple of straight lines)
So I could use new bedding now but when it’s completed the new bedding will be cot bed size and not single bed size so definitely un suitable and un usable.

So you have thanked her and used the new bedding but have a real reason for not using it at a later date.

As a side note you mentioned ladybug. I have found this much easier to get hold of on the continent then in the UK. And make a habit of asking people to find something with her on while travelling.

SharpLily · 28/12/2018 13:55

For what it's worth I am aware I'm overthinking this, but I'm 34 weeks pregnant and on enforced bed rest - I'm bored and totally hormonal! I have absolutely no spare space to put Christmas presents away and feel like I'm surrounded by crap and can't even walk around properly to do anything about it! I feel like the covers are sitting there, taunting me Grin.

I have no intention of using them - I probably would live with them if we hadn't had a conversation where I specifically asked her NOT to buy them and explained (nicely) why. I also have no intention of arguing with her so won't bother to bring it up with her - experience tells me that this would be a waste of time. They will be given away somewhere and when she asks why they're not on the bed (and she will!) I shall deal with the old bag then.

It's just the idea of why someone would be such a twat that bothers me and in my state of boredom and discomfort I'm brooding on it.

Among the other gifts was a set of books about a family of elephants by Jill Murphy. I haven't come across them before and they looked cute but then I started reading them and it's looking very much like Jill Murphy still thinks we're living in the Fifties...In the first one I read, Mummy Elephant is ill so apparently Daddy Elephant very kindly feeds the children breakfast so she can rest - WTF? Presumably these are the same children he had a part in procreating but apparently it's kind of him to help look after them Confused. He then spends the day as a completely ineffectual father and is too busy watching football to keep the kids away from their sick mother in bed.

In the next one, Mummy Elephant feels fat and puts the whole family on a diet. What is this crap?! I'm not reading my four year old this shit, so it's just more stuff to have to give away!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/12/2018 13:59

It's just the idea of why someone would be such a twat that bothers me and in my state of boredom and discomfort I'm brooding on it.

She's a twat. She's always been a twat. She always will be a twat. Never expect anything different.

But I would seriously stop having anything to do with her and certainly do not expose your precious children to her.

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 28/12/2018 14:01

Awws, the Elephant family sound cute. Who is feeding your dd while you're on bedrest btw?

Yulebealrite · 28/12/2018 14:02

Elephant stories Grin

See I'd find the humour in every new crap stunt that she pulls.

SharpLily · 28/12/2018 14:03

Those advising to just give away and move on are absolutely right, I do know that - I'm just from a background where we weren't allowed to give anything away, all things had to be very used, new things were rare and even completely unsuitable gifts had to be cherished. As a 13 year old who had never shown an interest in stamp collecting, I was forced to become an avid stamp collector because an ancient relative I never saw thought a stamp collecting kit would be a great gift for a 13 year old girl Confused. Trying to avoid wasting anything has always been an issue for me.

It's really hard to get out of that headspace.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 28/12/2018 14:04

Rubbish present for Christmas for a 4 year old even without the back story.

Maelstrop · 28/12/2018 14:04

Just charity bag the lot. I'm doing this for a few presents.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 14:05

God, you sound like hard work.

Really? If you asked someone if they wanted something would you buy it for them anyway?

SharpLily · 28/12/2018 14:06

Who is feeding your dd while you're on bedrest btw?

My husband - because he's her father, not because he's 'kind'!

OP posts:
Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 14:06

www.facebook.com/groups/konmariuk/ Join this OP. It will help you to deal with your feelings that everything must be saved

MojoMoon · 28/12/2018 14:07

Donate them to charity. Doemstic violence etc charities rehoming families may be interested or I took a load of kids bedding to Emmaus (there are some across several parts of the country) and they were delighted.

Tim720 · 28/12/2018 14:07

Ignoring everything else what a shit present for a 4 year old Grin

fiorentina · 28/12/2018 14:07

She sounds a nightmare and what 4 year old wants bed linen for Christmas. I’d just sell on eBay, and move on.

ErrolTheDragon · 28/12/2018 14:08

If you give the bed linen to charity or eBay it, it won't be wasted. If you keep it, and (despite being the wrong size) try to use it when your MiL visits, that is a waste.

I'm afraid it sounds to me like this woman - consciously or not - rather wants to create a scenario in which you're ungrateful and unreasonable.

Cookit · 28/12/2018 14:09

I would be annoyed, I get it.

However I own the elephant books and they don’t overly bother me.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 14:10

wws, the Elephant family sound cute. Who is feeding your dd while you're on bedrest btw?

Confused
Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 14:11

I wouldn't sell the bedding as it's not likely to be useable by anyone in your country and then you have another issue. Maybe offer them to someone who sews on a free page?

If the page is "closed" she can't see it. Some are some aren't. It says in the about section somewhere

SharpLily · 28/12/2018 14:11

www.facebook.com/groups/konmariuk/ Join this OP. It will help you to deal with your feelings that everything must be saved

I have tried to love Konmari - I got rid of a load of stuff and then was really pissed off when I needed loads of it shortly after Grin.

OP posts:
tubspreciousthings · 28/12/2018 14:12

It sounds like she's not going to change. It also sounds like you're at the end of your tether - I spent time on bedrest and remember the boredom and anxiety I experienced.

Take a deep breath, package up the (new unopened) bedding and toys and send them to your local women's aid/refuge. That way they won't go to waste and you won't have them knocking around your house getting in the way and annoying you.

Hope all goes well for you.

glueandstick · 28/12/2018 14:13

Ah the elephant book. We were given one when I was really overweight and battling with PND. It went in the bin.

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