To be so upset and raging at DS (1)?

[Crazyladee]

Sorry this will probably be long but I just need to vent about my incredibly selfish 23 year old son.

For context he has always been young for his age and a bit immature. DH and I have quietly talked about the possibility there is a very mild, undiagnosed learning disability there as he tends to be very slow and socially awkward. There are other examples of this but I don't want this thread to turn into an essay.

However he has a full time job and earns an average wage.

He has recently met a girl and we advised him to take it slow as he tends to get very serious very soon and has had his fingers burned in the past. However he seems to have ignored our advice and has thrown himself into this relationship very quickly. He still lives at home and she has her own place and he has semi moved in with her all in a matter of weeks. We've spoken to him several times about having the decency to let us know if he will be home that evening and therefore wanting a meal etc which he has promised he will do but this hasn't happened. So basically the last few weeks he has come and gone as he pleases without communicating with us at all.

Christmas plans were discussed and we were told that new girlfriend was spending Xmas with her family 300 miles away so DS would be home with from Xmas eve onwards. Xmas day would be spent with the rest of the family and then afternoon onwards at my sister's as she was hosting. Boxing day we all planned to travel 2 hours away at my in laws.

For Xmas I was asked what I wanted from my boys and I asked for a particular popular board game that we could all play on Xmas day. The board game was about £15 and I sent him an Amazon link weeks ago. My other son is at college and so it was arranged that DS1 would buy it.
Xmas day morning came and no sign of DS. He sent my youngest son a text saying he had had too much to drink on Xmas eve to drive so would be staying at GF house but assured him he would come back first thing Xmas day.

Basically he ended up sheepishly turning up at 2.30pm on Xmas day. I had tried calling him but his phone was switched off. We were due to go to my sister's at 3pm so he missed all the morning traditions at home (stockings breakfast etc) He handed me a cheap bottle of prosecco and said he couldn't get the game for me as he couldn't find it..and stood in the doorway looking sheepish at DH.

When everyone had left the room, He quietly opened the envelope in his stocking containing cash (which he asked for) and left all the other presents i had bought for him under the tree.
At my sister's he had a face like a wet weekend and spoke to hardly anyone. I was so embarrassed. Meanwhile someone spotted a fb post from his gf saying something about being alone. Turns out she didn't spend Xmas day with her family after all. And so DS had spent up to 2.30pm xmas day with her.

He spent the rest of xmas day quiet and sulky while DH and I seethed.
Boxing day morning we were due to travel to my in laws but while no one else was around, he scooped up all the rest of his presents under the tree and took them to his room and opened them in his room. He took to his bedroom and locked his door saying he wasn't coming with us to my in laws. I've not had a thank you or kiss my arse off him even though I've spent at least £100 on presents on him plus the cash.

We've had to face the in laws who were all puzzled at the absence of DS and I have another pile of presents for him here from cousins who are similar age to him but thoughtfully bought him gifts.

I feel so upset that I have a 23 yr old who clearly doesn't give a shit about his family and has his priorities all messed up. It has spoiled my Xmas even though I've tried to not let it bother me. DH is raging with him too but is better at not dwelling on stuff.

Sorry this is so long but I just had to vent.

To be fair even if he does prefer shagging his girlfriend to opening a stocking surely an adult is capable of calling and letting people know what's going on if they're all likely to be waiting for you.

Obviously he should come and go as he pleases most days of the week but on Christmas day I can see why the OP is upset. I'd be pissed off if I was expecting someone Christmas morning and they didn't show up until 2:30 without a word to anyone.

Just had a WhatsApp message from him (no mobile signal where we currently are at in laws) thanking me for the presents, asking how everyone is and we will be back. I can feel myself thawing although DH has commented it's because he's got gf staying over!

Absolutely Rousette.

I have a 17 yr old selfish git here but I still love him and want the best for him...even though he’s foul. He wasn’t always like this and I think he’ll pan out ok in the end...but he needs time to experience things and (hopefully) mature.

You certainly do not stop worrying and wondering when it comes to your kids growing up into young adults.

He is interested in the other sort of stockings lol.
😂😂😂

A child may need help to buy a present, an adult does not.

Clearly this adult needed even more help given he failed miserably.

OP, I haven't read every reply and just skimmed through the rest of most of them. I just wanted to say that I can relate to your situation with regards to your DS.

My DD has Autism and learning disabilities and she would, and does, behave similar to your DS. Many of her same-aged peers would definitely be doing very different things, and getting very different gifts than she did this year, but only people in the same situation, or who know families in the situation, would be able to see things clearer.

Obviously, you've got the separate issue with your DS having a girlfriend, on top. He knew the situation/change in his own head, and expected you to almost be able to read his mind about him deciding to spend the time with her, without informing you.

I think when your DC, no matter how old, have diagnosed/undiagnosed difficulties, and they need your help, it's very difficult to put that across in a post without it sounding like you're an overbearing parent.

I think the family comparisons are part of the problem tbh. Not only do you feel he disrespected you and was ungrateful but you obviously felt embarrassed in front of your family with their twenty-somethings who behave as expected. I think those wider expectations are making this more difficult for you.
I remember reading advice on here years ago that said our DC's achievements or struggles aren't our's. If his behaviour hadn't had a wider audience then it might have been easier for you to manage and move on from.
Obviously his gf's plans changed and that had a knock-on effect on his plans. The issue isn't that those plans changed but that he didn't tell you about the changes. Only you know if he didn't tell you because he's selfish or because he thought you wouldn't be receptive to changes.
Forget comparing him to his cousins. But sit down and ask him how his involvement in the day could have been managed better so everyone wasn't left feeling dissatisfied.

It sounds like he has something on his mind. Is there something really bothering him? His girlfriend being pregnant?? Or something else? Yes it's really upsetting for you that he seemed not to care but it's not worth driving him away by getting annoyed and upset with him about it. Tough for you though

Wow! Poor OP, I am right behind her. I have adult DS's of similar ages who live at home at least part of the week. They would never treat me as badly as this. It is utterly selfish and disrespectful to behave like this, everyone has options and yes they can be quite last minute with plans but it only takes a minute to text and say...actually, change of plans and I won't be home.

I feel sorry for the people that say it's normal at this age not to want to do family Christmas stuff, you are missing out on so much and it's sad that you are so dysfunctional. Some people can't get their kids out of home fast enough, such a shame as they have so much to offer as young adults, it's an interesting and sometimes difficult time for them and family support is crucial. They can also still be independent whilst living at home.

We still do normal Xmas stuff, most of the desire to do this is driven my DC's, they want to be here and we've had the most fantastic time just chilling out together, they have so much to offer as people.

They can also still be independent whilst living at home.
There are degrees of independence, but I disagree. Unless the parents themselves need support or care, then adult children living at home are never really independent.

The meal thing and the letting you know-his plans should stop. He is capable of being in touch with family members and receiving invites directly from them not via you so you feel responsible for him. Don't make him food he is old enough to do that himself

We stopped having stockings when we were about 11, I think. Stockings are really for children aren't they?

Your ds is now an adult. He should have the courtesy to tell you if he'll be there for food etc and whether he'll be visiting others. He does sound very immature and also rude and unmannerly.

Don't cater for him, don't include him in any plans. He is capable of to getting himself to your relatives so let him carry the burden of accepting invitations and of being rude himself, and then taking the consequences. Himself.

My children has stockings
25 22 and 16
Also the dogs had stockings

Fucking love packing a stocking

The meal thing and the letting you know-his plans should stop. He is capable of being in touch with family members and receiving invites directly from them not via you so you feel responsible for him. Don't make him food he is old enough to do that himself

What? So when my DSis has a family do to which she's asked all of us, she should contact my adult DCs individually to ask them if they would like to come?! You cannot be serious! That just doesn't happen in families.

And as for... he doesn't have to let you know his plans... WTAF... so a son that lives in your home doesn't have to let you know what he is doing and if he'll be out with regards to meals or his cousins visiting or whatever...

Roussette I totally agree with you. And I also think the OP sounds lovely.

FWIW I think the son sounds like he's been quite rude and inconsiderate as well, although some of it's understandable (although... only a month. That's not a long time at all). Some of it is quite out-of-order (really should have made a phone call on Christmas morning).
And although I take the point about the OP inviting the gf for christmas, (a) it's only been a month! and (b) as the OP says, they're at her sister's for a proportion of the day and there's very little space.

My little bit to add (although others have said this too) is that for most of last year my DD had a bf who came with a friendship group and she was out for most of the time with him/them. In the end, I stopped buying food for her, because I was just throwing things away untouched. Then she'd rock up unexpectedly saying "what's for supper" or "I really fancy some fruit" (worse, a couple of times with mates in tow!) and it was 'sorry, darling... not got anything here for you'. Not in a nasty way, and she was always fed (something!), but just not keeping things in to watch them going off.
She quite quickly got into the habit of letting us know if she wanted feeding.

I like the poster (or posters) who suggested he was embarrassed about the present thing and was therefore avoiding it, and the one who talked about the lose/lose situation.

There are about 4 or 5 posts on here which I really agree with, particularly the 3 or so written by people more-or-less the son's age. I thought they were thoughtful and considered, and summed things up very well.
And the post from the person who said how they've made adjustments to the routines and traditions in their home when their DC hit their twenties, even though they were sad to do it.

What? So when my DSis has a family do to which she's asked all of us, she should contact my adult DCs individually to ask them if they would like to come?! You cannot be serious! That just doesn't happen in families. And as for... he doesn't have to let you know his plans... WTAF... so a son that lives in your home doesn't have to let you know what he is doing and if he'll be out with regards to meals or his cousins visiting or whatever...

Eh yep I am serious. He's 23 ffs shagging a girl he barely knows and living eith her half the time. He absolutely doesnt need to let mummy know his plans! And on the other side of the coin, she shouldn't be ready with a bowl in her hand to jump on any of his meal requests. It's pathetic!

Wanting such a precise gift and sending Amazon links to an adult son, is over-the-top and, too me, gives a glimpse of a controlling mother. My 23 yo ds sends me Amazon links to what he'd like for Christmas and birthdays, as does dh. It ensures I don't get the wrong thing. I send them both links as well, especially if it's a book, CD or craft stash that I specifically want.

I'm with you OP. It's hard finding the right balance when they are living at home at that age. I sometimes feel that my ds treats my home like an hotel, and that I am there to cook, wash up, do the laundry and generally skivvy around after him. Mine is home after boarding at sixth form, and then 4 years at uni (we are abroad, so he had come home whilst job hunting), so we are all learning to adjust, and it isn't always easy. It's basic courtesy to say if you will be in for dinner, and if you will be home, so the house can be locked up at night.

I think your son (and mine) are still in the egotestical phase, where their worlds revolve around them. They will get there eventually,. I do see flashes of normal adult human behaviour emerging from mine at times! Hang in there.

Keepservingthefestivesnogs

I completely agree with you that there are some very constructive and interesting replies from posters similar age to my DS. Its helpful receiving advice from a different perspective instead of the keyboard warriers nit picking my posts and jumping on me for the sake of it.

Its been hard keeping up with this fast moving thread whilst being a guest in my pils house as I don't want to appear to have my head constantly in my phone but I will pick out and take on board the helpful advice and comments I've received.

Do any of the people slagging off the OP actually have a 23 year old. I sometimes think people with much younger children comment when they don't have a clue. You would not accept this behaviour from an adult family member - brother, cousin, whatever so why from a 23 year old? He has got all the time in the world to be with his girlfriend and I really don't see anything wrong with the OP expecting him to spend a bit of time with the family over Christmas - whether he wants to or not - that's what a lot of us adults do.

I am there to cook, wash up, do the laundry and generally skivvy around after him Don't do that then.

He's 23... I'm 25 with two kids I love my family but my immediate family is my husband and children now, I don't spend Christmas Day with my parents and siblings anymore and even before I had my first at 21 I hated Christmas at home with my parents and siblings i wasn't a child anymore and didn't want to be treated like a baby, which how you have described how you want him to be almost sounds like you want your little soldier back. You need to let him do what he's wants to do he's a grown man if he doesn't want to spend Christmas with you he doesn't have too.

she shouldn't be ready with a bowl in her hand to jump on any of his meal requests. It's pathetic!

Since when is it OK for family that live with you not have to bother letting you know that they're not going to be there for the meal you've made for them, when you said you would be there. If it was a DH treating a DW so awfully, posters would soon have something to say. The fact it's a son makes no difference. It's about common courtesy.

I agree with jewellerybox.

Son and CF have only known each other a month.

I think comments like 'it's pathetic to have a meal ready' will depend on how you are as a family. There is always a meal in our home, I cook and we all eat together, its a great thing to do an we enjoy catching up. Its so easy to say that you won't be home if you have other plans, don't always get a lot of notice but that's fine, it's just a respectful way of behaving.

anitagreen not everyone feels like that. My DCs are late twenties and love coming home for Christmas, seeing their cousins, playing boardgames, eating, catching up, making cocktails, having a laugh. And they bring their GFs and BFs home with them, I have a houseful at the moment, I love having them here when they can manage it