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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel so angry over a Xmas present

317 replies

Allegf · 26/12/2018 20:16

Ok bear with me it could get long

My GrandMIL has always been cold with me. We visit her regularly and I always make polite conversations with her. Over the last year things have got worse with the way she is towards me.For some reason anything I do is wrong.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have 2 kids and are getting married next summer. My DPs uncle recently got married and had a baby. His new wife and him were only together around 6 months before marriage but she has only been in the picture for around 3 years - relevant

Anyways this brings me to Christmas. Every year my DP small family (12 people) exchange a gift for everyone. I always get a joint gift with my DP from both of us spending around £30 on each person with a thoughtful gift. Over the past 3 years from my GMIL I have recived a keyring with the wrong initial, used hand soap and this year a bloody fruit cake?!
GMIL is not short of money. She actually previous has gloated about this so that isn’t the issue, my DP, BIL, FIL and my DP uncles always get generous gifts or money.
This year as I open my fruit cake and stare down in disbelief I look up to see my DPs uncles new wife hugging my GMIL thanking her for the generous gift clutching a handful of cash. The response was ‘I know, the men always get everything from me on Xmas I thought it was time I spoilt the ladies too so I got you and (MIL) a little treat

I didn’t know how to react so walked out the room and into the toilet where I actually welled up. It not the money. I wouldn’t care if it was a voucher for £5. Its the fact I was never considered.

AIBU or do I need to just shove fruitcake in my face and shut up!

OP posts:
Delatron · 27/12/2018 19:16

I can’t believe the GM hands out wads of cash to everyone at Christmas, that’s what is strange!

I would just say to her ‘thanks for the money you have given our family, really no need to get me anything next year’. Then the crap presents stop, your family is still getting £200 from a GM:

Take away the opportunity for her to treat you like this and reframe it. Most people wouldn’t expect a present from a partner’s grandmother. It’s a shame she does’t like you but shrug it off.

Elsie1966 · 27/12/2018 19:18

I think she was purposely being mean to you for whatever her reasons. I would thank her so so much( being overly grateful) and not let her know how she has made you feel. I would not be paying her anymore visits either. Give your time to someone more deserving 💐🍫 for you op

SirVixofVixHall · 27/12/2018 19:21

Well i would be pleased with a fruit cake.
Your children had a very generous gift each, your partner had a very generous gift, perhaps when you are married she will give you a joint gift . She certainly spent far more on you as a family than you did on her. Maybe she doesn’t like you, but you don’t sound as though you like her either, and you haven’t been very generous with her.

gearandloathing · 27/12/2018 19:25

I second a PPs suggestion to be OTT enthusiastically thanking her for the shot gift... almost to the point of sarcasm, but not quite. So there's just that tiny element of doubt as to whether or not you really mean it.... But deep down she'll know you don't.

Jekyllandhydesmother · 27/12/2018 19:30

I think you're BU to think you'd get the same as her DIL as you are a generation below (though the "treating the ladies" comment was mean though possibly unintended that way). BUT, YANBU about the gifts. I usually just get smellies or something from MIL but that doesn't bother me as she has 7kids and a million GK and treats all of them. I wouldn't expect her to get anything for my son's GF (he's 3 so this situation is a while off) however I'd be pretty pissed with a used gift etc.
Smelly sets are like £3. That's a reasonable "token". I would get DP to ask is Grand MIL has an issue with you and mention the key ring and soap.
I would be interested to know if the situation will be any different next year.

cuppycakey · 27/12/2018 19:44

I am a bit confused here as you keep contradicting yourself OP.

You have said you are the only partner. Then you say you wanted to be treated the same as the other partners. Which is it?

If I have understood correctly, you are the only partner of a grandchild. I think it is grabby of you to expect cash.

Bekstar · 27/12/2018 19:46

Keep said fruit cake n gift it back to her next year

BeatriceBee · 27/12/2018 19:50

Just wondering, is your DP her favourite and no woman is ever going to be good enough for him? Sorry to say that if that's the case, you will never win. Her behaviour is unforgivable though and she should just suck it up and treat you the same as everyone else in the family, whatever she truly thinks. Maybe your DP should have a word with her as that might make a difference. If I were you I would be upset too and I would definitely have left the cake behind just to make a point.

Jux · 27/12/2018 19:50

You are a generation below the other women- who are married so permanent iyswim - wile you are not married yet and erefore could just walk away. This would have made a diffference to my gm, but your children carry her genes and therefore she is including them, and generously too.

Your whole relationship with her may change once you are married.

It shouldn't make a difference but it certainly can.

flamingofridays · 27/12/2018 19:53

Saying she "gave your family £200 and so that's your gift" is a load of old shit. I dont consider money for my child a gift to me. It just goes in his bank account (hes 2).

If op and partner dont share finances then his money isnt her gift either.

Its not the amount its the lack of thought.

And to those saying "just a girlfriend" i consider that a bit shitty too after 7 years and 2 kids. A ring on her finger doesn't make her suddenly more significant.

DecemberFrost · 27/12/2018 19:55

@PolarBearkshire

I would completely zone the old witch out. Its not your job to understand nutcases. You are worthy no matter what the mean hag can possibly do or say. But dont marry a man who is a doormat and doesnt stand up for you!?!

Bit harsh!!! Shock

She is rude though. And is quite clearly treating the OP differently coz she and her bloke are not married.

@PeroniZuchini

I’m more saddened by the casual ageism that certain posters are spouting out on this thread, than anything this woman has done. 😑

Don't be ridiculous. It's not 'ageist' to state facts. People who are from the older generations - mid to late 50's and older - will judge people for being unmarried, (especially if you're unmarried with children,) moreso than people in their 20's, 30's, and early 40's will.

Not all older people will judge you for being unmarried, with children, but more of them will judge you for being unmarried with children, than people in their 20's and 30's will!

missbloomsbury · 27/12/2018 19:55

Hang on! Can we get this straight? How old is this GMIL? if she was born in the ‘20s or ‘30s fair enough but anyone born after 1945 was part of the swingin’ 60s and NOT very to likely to faint away at the thought of unmarried parents! OP woman-up and grow a pair! ( if that isnt too confusing!)

You’re going to send a Thank You note to your potential GMIL You will thank her for her generosity to your 2 children, saying ‘Rest assured, when A & B are old enough to view their accounts, they will know how generous you have been. Also, thank you so much for the £100! C and I are planning to put it towards our wedding/Honeymoon/Flat, and we are both very grateful’. Ignore the cake. Take the Moral High Ground. Always a great place to be! And beat her at her own game!

ineedtocalm · 27/12/2018 19:56

Ok so I’m trying to look at this as if it’s my family. I can see why it might be upsetting to you but really you’re not the same as the other lady.

If my husbands grandma gave me a present, I would be grateful, but i wouldn’t be expecting to get one.
If my husbands grandma gave her daughter in law a present, but not me, it wouldn’t upset me.

It’s not really something you can compare.

I understand that it’s upsetting to feel left out but in reality she’s not ‘your’ family and comparing the relationship with someone else who isn’t really at the same level as you isn’t fair.

In reality you’ll have to wait until one of the other grandchildren (your husbands siblings) gets a partner and that will be the only time that you can truly tell if you’re being treated differently.

Try not to think about it too much. If she really was being spiteful she wouldn’t have given you anything at all

happinessischocolate · 27/12/2018 19:56

Yabu for even opening the present. After the gift of used soap I'd have put any future presents back under the tree for her to find once you've left.

I understand that different relatives get different values presents and you're probably way down the list because you're not married but there's no excuse for what is basically nasty presents.

I'd rather receive nothing at all.

Delatron · 27/12/2018 19:57

So you expect the grandmother (how old is she?) to go around buying presents for all her children and partners, then all her grandchildren and partners and then their children?? I dcan not care how rich she is that’s a lot of presents. Why don’t you just do presents for the kids?
It all sounds ridiculous. People claiming £200 isn’t good enough, she must try harder!!

2cats2many · 27/12/2018 19:58

Is it because you aren't married yet? Old people can be terribly old fashioned.

SillyBillyBandy · 27/12/2018 20:04

My FIL used to give DH a cheque at xmas, me and kids got a token present from SMIL. Money was gratefully received of course, as it was a family gift as we were a family.

£200 is really generous and very useful I'm sure. Maybe she just wanted something for you to upwrap. And depending on age, my PILs were early 80's when I met them and gave me some weird shit - out of date parma ham as a xmas present - but it wasn't an intended slight. Or if it was I didn't notice.

PeroniZuchini · 27/12/2018 20:05

@decemberfrost

You are not understanding my comment. I was referring to people’s comments calling her ‘an old bat’ and how they should ‘stick her in a home’ etc which are vile, ageist and uncalled for.

BigBoringWedding · 27/12/2018 20:05

Freeze the cake, wait until her next birthday then ice it with your own shit. That’ll kill the relationship or cure it.

PeroniZuchini · 27/12/2018 20:06

Oh and ‘old witch’ and ‘mean hag’. Lovely.

flamingofridays · 27/12/2018 20:07

Are you not allowed to call someone old when theyre old then?

Or is there a certain age in which youre no longer to insult someone even when they deserve it?

Km06 · 27/12/2018 20:09

What does his family think of her gifts to you

PeroniZuchini · 27/12/2018 20:11

Don’t be disingenuous flamingo. It’s the derogatory words being used with it such as ‘bat’, ‘hag’ etc. 🙄

Longtime · 27/12/2018 20:14

Decemberfrost. Older ie born after mid sixties? I was born in ‘63 and none of my friends have a problem with unmarried couples. I think you need to look a lot further back than that! My db born in ‘60 has two children with his lovely partner of 22 years. We would never dream of treating her any differently and nor would my dm who is 81. My dm gives the same to ds1’s girlfriend of 6 years (so same relationship as op to her gmil) as she gives to the rest of us. I also spend the same on her as I do on I don’t want her to feel as some how lesser.

ChasedByBees · 27/12/2018 20:15

Put her at the back of the room on your seating plan. Wink