AIBU to feel so angry over a Xmas present

[Allegf]

Ok bear with me it could get long

My GrandMIL has always been cold with me. We visit her regularly and I always make polite conversations with her. Over the last year things have got worse with the way she is towards me.For some reason anything I do is wrong.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have 2 kids and are getting married next summer. My DPs uncle recently got married and had a baby. His new wife and him were only together around 6 months before marriage but she has only been in the picture for around 3 years - relevant

Anyways this brings me to Christmas. Every year my DP small family (12 people) exchange a gift for everyone. I always get a joint gift with my DP from both of us spending around £30 on each person with a thoughtful gift. Over the past 3 years from my GMIL I have recived a keyring with the wrong initial, used hand soap and this year a bloody fruit cake?!
GMIL is not short of money. She actually previous has gloated about this so that isn’t the issue, my DP, BIL, FIL and my DP uncles always get generous gifts or money.
This year as I open my fruit cake and stare down in disbelief I look up to see my DPs uncles new wife hugging my GMIL thanking her for the generous gift clutching a handful of cash. The response was ‘I know, the men always get everything from me on Xmas I thought it was time I spoilt the ladies too so I got you and (MIL) a little treat

I didn’t know how to react so walked out the room and into the toilet where I actually welled up. It not the money. I wouldn’t care if it was a voucher for £5. Its the fact I was never considered.

AIBU or do I need to just shove fruitcake in my face and shut up!

Nasty. I'd have given it back and just said: "Thank you for this lovely generous gift but I couldn't possibly accept it!" I would have made sure as many people as possible heard and saw you do it. If you can't do it in front of everyone then leave the cake behind with the same thing written on a note.

Probably better to say than write it but she'll get the point either way that it's sarcasm. Sit her next to the worse person you know at the wedding.

Just to throw in my two cents: my SILs (unmarried, long-term partners with children) are far more part of the family and more permanent than bastard abusive ex-BIL (married) ever was. I know who would get the cash and who would get a punch in the nose in my house!!

OP don't worry about her, go all zen, be your sweet self and know that you're teaching your children that their self-respect and value doesn't rely on how other people define them.

You are not understanding my comment. I was referring to people’s comments calling her ‘an old bat’ and how they should ‘stick her in a home’ etc which are vile, ageist and uncalled for.

Oh sorry @peronizuchini. I didn't realise. Yeah I thought that was a bit nasty too!

Sorry for saying you're being ridiculous.

@mrsbloomsbury

Hang on! Can we get this straight? How old is this GMIL? if she was born in the ‘20s or ‘30s fair enough but anyone born after 1945 was part of the swingin’ 60s and NOT very to likely to faint away at the thought of unmarried parents! OP woman-up and grow a pair! ( if that isnt too confusing!)

I disagree with this. I know quite a few people who were born in the 1960's (so around 55-60 now,) who are a bit judgy about people being unmarried with children. Or even unmarried with no children. It's daft and it's rude, but yeah, some people do judge. People 65-70+ moreso than late 50's to early 60's, but some do yes.......

@longtime

Decemberfrost. Older ie born after mid sixties? I was born in ‘63 and none of my friends have a problem with unmarried couples. I think you need to look a lot further back than that! My db born in ‘60 has two children with his lovely partner of 22 years. We would never dream of treating her any differently and nor would my dm who is 81.

Well all that statement proves is that you (aged 55,) AND your mother (who is 81,) would not judge unmarried people with children. People are different obviously, but the fact is that more older people 60+ WILL judge. And they do.

Many older people do. Yes, people born before early to mid 1960's, not AFTER, like you said.

Im not being disingenuous.. it seems everything is ageist nowadays. But yet mumsnet is the number 1 place to get called out on being "young" in a nasty way.

Be busy when your dp wants to visit her. Make him go alone in future. Next Xmas give her soap whist smiling sweetly.

My DH's grandparents give all their grandchildren £100 - DH's £100 now comes in an envelope addressed to both of us but it's not doubled on my account.

YABU- your DP/DH got £100 and your children were treated equally.

Unless its addressed to dp and op. Its not for op.

It's OK to moan about older people being rude and judgemental @flamingofridays and to say some older people you know are bigoted and difficult etc... But to say 'old witch, old hag, old cunt, needs putting in a home, needs popping off, waste of air etc etc...' is just plain nasty.

I do agree that some people are rude about the young though. Not me, as I find many people under 30 very polite, friendly, and pleasant. Moreso than people middle aged and older. Many middle aged and older people are lovely of course, but If I am going to encounter 20 rude people in one week, 16-17 of them will be 45 or older. Rarely the younger ones.

No worries @decemberfrost

Regardless of marriage or how far down the generations you come used hand soap is taking the piss.

I’d simply not bother visiting her again it going to anything she’s involved in. Let your dp sort her presents out from now onwards.

Are we missing the fact her kids get £50 each and the DH gets £100?!
Taking about getting her just a piece of soap.
I just wouldn’t expect anything!

Talking

Save the fruitcake and give it to her next year!

I’d simply not bother visiting her again it going to anything she’s involved in

Absolutely. If your kids and partner all get money from their grandmother/great grandmother for Xmas and you don't, then that's what do to, fuck the old bird off.

Could you be more grabby?

Essexmum, I'd bet thats exactly what Granny will do next year after they are married. Op will formally share DHs gift.

For a long time my parents budget for me was circa £100, my sibling and spouse got £50 each. When I married it was exactly the same £50 each.
I'm not sure if my siblings budget increased when they became single again

Keep the cake she gave you and wrap it up for her for next year with a used bar of cheap soap

I'm afraid that there are a number of old fashioned people in my wider family, eg I am not actually married as we didn't marry in church just a register office. I have, or had - most have died now - uncles and aunts for whom the chur wedding is mandatory. I have cousins, my generation, born in the 50s, 60s, even 70s, who are the same. Happily, they all include dh and dd and are perfectly civil, even friendly and warm, but for them dh and I arenot married and dd is illegitimate. Therefore, dh is not actually part of the family.

I would stop bothering to visit her weekly. Life's too short to waste on people you don't get along with. I don't care what age she is, she is a freaking Hag.

I really think you haven't picked up on the very obvious clues to your boyfriends grandmas behaviour - and appear to have a very casual idea of familial relationships.

This woman isn't your grandmother-in-law. That is your first misconception. There is no such thing. The relationship does not exist because you are the girlfriend not the wife of her grandson. If you were married then she would be your husbands grandmother. Still a slightly distant relationship but at least 'official'.

You then write this strange statement in relation to your boyfriends uncle. The woman's son. His new wife and him were only together around 6 months before marriage but she has only been in the picture for around 3 years - relevant

It doesn't matter that they were only together 6 month before marriage. Or only been around 3 years. They are married and the wife is now the older woman's daughter in law. There is an 'official connection' One that you do not have even after 7 years.

Your boyfriends grandmother obviously does not approve of cohabitation before marriage. She doesn't have to. It's not a legal requirement. Many many of the older generation feel like this. It is their right - just as it is yours to ignore her beliefs.

The one thing I am pleased to see is that despite her obvious distaste at your happiness to go against social conventions that she adheres to - she doesn't seem to have taken this out on your children - she has given both £50 which is extremely generous. She has given your boyfriend £100. So total for your family is £200 - hardly tight or shoddy.

I would steer clear until you are married. Whereupon I bet you will then be treated like one of the family BECAUSE then you Will Be part of the family.

Yes I think DP’s Uncle’s new wife Is very misleading. You mean her Daughter in law! Her son’s wife! Of course she will mean more to her than her grandson’s partner. Even if you were married ‘granddaughter in law’ isn’t the same relationship.

The spirit if Xmas is in the giving not in the getting. Just saying......

Seriously though. Used hand soap??! A key ring with the wrong initial?! These are not gifts. They are deliberately insulting. What does a new hand soap cost? £2, £3? Maybe a fiver for a nice one. Or a key ring..£1, £2..? It’s not that she can’t afford it. She could have. But she CHOSE to give something which would show how little she thinks of the OP. These ‘gifts’ weren’t kind offerings as some are suggesting (“oh a lovely fruitcake!”, “soap - how thoughtful!”) No! They are insulting. Worse than no gift. Actually if she has principles about marriage (which is absolutely her right! Regardless of her age. She is not obligated to gift anyone) then she could give a card with no gift. And that would be BETTER than manky used soap, or a flipping key ring with the wrong initial!!! This was done on purpose. And that is rude and extremely unkind behaviour. I’m amazed people don’t see this!

As ever the meaning of the gift must come i in general perspective of the gift giver.
Is the gift giver usually or shown to be thoughtful or slap dash... Do they show their feelings through gifts or are they warm hearted people who perhaps are not good with giving gifts but absolutely nothing is meant by that....

It does seem in this cause the giver can be thoughtful, has specially signalled out some women of the family and spoiled them whilst leaving out op.

Sounds v spiteful to me. I gave college at work something a little extra this year and I did so discreetly... This is family.

It's also this sort of behaviour that causes ructions later on.

Just say to grandmil no Xmas pressys thank you! Easy peasy! You could add a sarky comment like you know how expensive it is to buy for everyone and make sure you don't buy for her. Done and dusted. When I was in a children's home other kids got new toys wrapped in Xmas paper. I got second hand toys wrapped in newspaper. I just laughed because deep down I knew I didn't owe anybody anything and that gave me great joy! Harden up and laugh it off