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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel so angry over a Xmas present

317 replies

Allegf · 26/12/2018 20:16

Ok bear with me it could get long

My GrandMIL has always been cold with me. We visit her regularly and I always make polite conversations with her. Over the last year things have got worse with the way she is towards me.For some reason anything I do is wrong.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have 2 kids and are getting married next summer. My DPs uncle recently got married and had a baby. His new wife and him were only together around 6 months before marriage but she has only been in the picture for around 3 years - relevant

Anyways this brings me to Christmas. Every year my DP small family (12 people) exchange a gift for everyone. I always get a joint gift with my DP from both of us spending around £30 on each person with a thoughtful gift. Over the past 3 years from my GMIL I have recived a keyring with the wrong initial, used hand soap and this year a bloody fruit cake?!
GMIL is not short of money. She actually previous has gloated about this so that isn’t the issue, my DP, BIL, FIL and my DP uncles always get generous gifts or money.
This year as I open my fruit cake and stare down in disbelief I look up to see my DPs uncles new wife hugging my GMIL thanking her for the generous gift clutching a handful of cash. The response was ‘I know, the men always get everything from me on Xmas I thought it was time I spoilt the ladies too so I got you and (MIL) a little treat

I didn’t know how to react so walked out the room and into the toilet where I actually welled up. It not the money. I wouldn’t care if it was a voucher for £5. Its the fact I was never considered.

AIBU or do I need to just shove fruitcake in my face and shut up!

OP posts:
Hofuckingho · 27/12/2018 07:59

Keep away from her. You don’t need this.

PinkAvocado · 27/12/2018 08:03

I don’t think it’s about you not being married as much as you’re a GDIL and the others are DIL. Also, per family I wonder if you got the same. We got money as a couple from my Nan, plus our children did-her actual children and their partners got money too so I think what your DP got IS relevant. However, I do think her gifts are awful (except the fruit cake).

Was the soap actually used as in used to wash rather than opened? Neither is ok as a gift but if it was one that had been used then what did everyone else say? Surely someone commented on it?

IJustLostTheGame · 27/12/2018 08:06

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CaptainsYuleLog · 27/12/2018 08:08

I'm guessing things will change once you're married. Maybe she's old fashioned and thinks you should marry before having children.

OliviaStabler · 27/12/2018 08:20

Lots of posters saying 'it's because you're not married'as if that makes it all right.

I don't think anyone is saying it's right, just that it could be a plausible explanation considering this woman's actions towards the op.

I knew people growing up who looked down on any woman who had kids with a man and was not married first. As distasteful as that viewpoint might be, considering the presents op has received, it is a good explanation for used soap and the wrong letter on a keyring!

I suspect next year your present will be much better.

empa · 27/12/2018 08:35

I also think it's because you're not married, she's showing her disapproval. This by the way isn't an age thing, it's a narrow minded thing.

The cash to everyone else, but cheques to your children made me smile, she's making sure you don't nick their money.

Ruddle91 · 27/12/2018 08:56

The fruitcake providing it wasn't half eaten is about the Calibre of gift I'd get from GMIL. The previous years gifts are a joke!

I generally buy distant relatives something like joules fluffy bed socks. They're good quality and everyone needs warm socks! I got my grand MIL, MIL and aunt in law joules socks this year. They loved the matchy matchy.

SayNoToCarrots · 27/12/2018 09:10

My GMIL always gives me a small cash gift at Christmas and although I think that's everything nice I actually always feel a bit awkward accepting money from someone else's grandma! I'm just her grandson's wife! I would never expect gifts from her on a par with what she gives her daughters in law, regardless of when they join the family.

greenlynx · 27/12/2018 09:23

YANBU to be angry but you can’t do much about it. I don’t think getting married will change her (if it’s the issue) because you were unmarried when you had children. She doesn’t like you for some reason, maybe because of marriage or religion or something else or she doesn’t care much about your DP. I would focus on how other members of the family treat you especially your ILs and their siblings. Also how does she behave towards your children? What’s your DP attitude towards all this? I wouldn’t be passive aggressive back to her I would rather be respectful but distant and invest in relationships with nicer members of the family.

Witchend · 27/12/2018 10:50

What was the wrong initial though? For example last year dd2 was buying initials keyrings for friends and she hit a problem. Did she get Antonia an A, or as she is always called Toni, should she get a T?

When she opened the "T" then someone said "oh that's the wrong initial" and there was quite a long discussion.
Tony didn't care, but the group was pretty divided, and one said that her dsis in a similar situation had definite views.

Original poster
Allegf · 27/12/2018 11:24

Sorry to clear it up the wrong initial was not mistaken nickname. My name can not be shortened! (3 letters long) And the soap was a push top soap and hand cream set with half the soap used.

The gifts to other family were irrelevant and I appreciate what was given to my DP And DS’ it was more that I had been pushed aside from the other spouses and treated so differently- again.
This isn’t a lone incident but that’s for another thread.

We live closer to in laws the other family live in Scotland so visit only on Xmas and once during summer.

I have not discussed with DP. His excuse for her behaviour is always she is old and ‘that’s just her’ we usually laugh about the comments but this really got to me.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 27/12/2018 11:33

It would be great if you could say, in front of everyone, in a loud voice " look dp, look what GrandMIL has given me. (big smile). Look, it's some handcream (big smile) and oh, what's this, some half used soap! big smile" Then stay quiet and see what dp says then!

Some people will just behave badly until someone challenges them.

She sounds like a cow and I wish you could think of a way to highlight this meanness towards you.

But I also think your dp should have a chat with her and find out her problem. Is she a cow in other ways too?

keenkaren · 27/12/2018 11:38

What is the poor woman meant to do, give out gobs of cash to every tagger along. It makes sense she limits larger gifts to people who are blood relatives or otherwise locked into the family

evilharpy · 27/12/2018 11:40

The first year I met my husband’s grandma, on my birthday that year I got a card “to my granddaughter” and from that point on she always treated me exactly the same as her own grandchildren (and same for her other two grandchildren in law). She was however an absolute gem and I adored her. When my daughter has a partner in future I’d like to think I’d treat them like this, and same for any grandchildren and partners.

However I can see a token gift being appropriate here for a grandchild in law... but not half used soap ffs. Or a keyring with the wrong initial. That’s just rude and shitty.

Jins · 27/12/2018 11:43

I’ve had this for a couple of decades OP and I’m married. It’s hard but just let it wash over you.

My personal highlights were the year where three chocolate Santas were sent for a family of four and this year I just got a card with my name spelled wrong.

It’s nasty spiteful behaviour and it’s best ignored

AcrossthePond55 · 27/12/2018 14:27

that I had been pushed aside from the other spouses and treated so differently- again.

But you ARE 'different'. You are not a spouse and you are another generation 'removed' from those who are spouses! You may not like it, but GMiL can make up her own mind about who and what she gifts.

MadameButterface · 27/12/2018 14:54

Just kick back at home and enjoy not having to visit her, to me that’s a gift in itself

Blessthekids · 27/12/2018 15:05

It is not the value, but the way she was treated, op was humiliated.

This. OP is not being grabby but clearly she is being treated as an outsider. I totally understand there is nothing wrong with a token gifts but the ones she has been given are completely thoughtless and signal the GMIL doesn't give a beep about her. Who thinks a key ring with a wrong initial or used soap is ever a gift of any kind? I would choose to be absent from anymore visits.

posthistoricmonsters · 27/12/2018 15:21

I'm honestly curious to see what if anything changes when you get married (I think you said you were? Sorry, kids are distracting me). Come back and update us.

Bluelady · 27/12/2018 15:24

My MiL gave me a colander and my SiL a tin of sardines one year. We laughed - a lot.

ZenNudist · 27/12/2018 15:29

I think you leave your dp to buy something for his dgm. Dont expect a gift from her. Any inappropriate gift just leave it there or give it to someone else there and then and thank her for thinking of you.

I dont know why you think a fiance of a grandchild gets same consideration as a DIL.

"An "A" initial keyring, how unusual, thanks for thinking of me, here you go Alex why dont you have this". And smile.

Its not worth getting upset about. Neither of my gms got dh anything. His dgm used to send me gifts but they were brought by MIL and sent from dgmil.

NoShelfElf · 27/12/2018 15:31

My Grandma would give her children and grandchildren and their spouses gift a) but girlfriends and boyfriends a token gift b). The length of relationship was irrelevant and it was entirely her prerogative. The only exception to this was my husband - we married shortly after Christmas but she treated him to a spouse's gift that year whilst joking he couldn't back out! Not worth getting cross about, just look forward to your own spouse gift when the time comes Grin

nocoolnamesleft · 27/12/2018 16:05

it was more that I had been pushed aside from the other spouses

Um. But you aren't a spouse. That matters more to some people and less to others.

ShesABelter · 27/12/2018 16:12

But your dps uncles wife is her dil you are her grandaughter in law. It's not the same to compare the two of yours gifts. Also, my nana doesn't get my husband anything just gives us a joint card. Don't get a present anymore just the kids. You wont know that she's being snidey till one of the other grandkids get a partner.

Bluntness100 · 27/12/2018 16:21

This can't be real. Your partner and both kids all got cash for Xmas, and because the daughter in law did, and you personally didn't, you started crying?

Please tell me you're shitting us?