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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be RAGING at my BF's selfish brother - Christmas completely ruined because of him.

351 replies

SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 17:49

For context: Last year my BF got the following for his brother for Christmas:

A nice jumper from River Island
One of those red letter experience thingies (that he didn't even end up using!)
Aftershave
Bottle of champagne
and something else that I can't remember but it was nice.

This is what we got back:

Roses chocolate (a small box)

I don't even fucking like Roses apart form the strawberry ones. I told BF after that we are not going to buy anything for his brother anymore because he is just ungrateful and we don't get the same level of presents back. He said okay. But little did I know...

Cut to this year. Without my knowledge he bought his brother:

An Amazon Echo spot
A personalised license plate
Some Game of Thrones stuff (not the DVDs but I didn't quite see what it was exactly)
A really nice scarf (that I actually said I liked myself when we were out shopping a couple of weeks ago)
A dash cam for his car.

He came round today and we swapped presents and surprise sur-fucking-prise, what do we get? Another box of Roses. I didn't even bother to say thank you (YES, I know that part was a bit rude but I felt like I shouldn't have to pretend to be pleased and grateful when I was fuming) and after he left I chucked them straight in the bin and my BF shouted at me and told me I was really rude and ungrateful - which is LAUGHABLE considering his brother is the ungrateful one. He said it was nothing to do with me but I said that we are a couple and if he is being taken advantage of then so am I. On top of the shit, meaningless and thoughtless last-minute present he got us he then asked my BF if he could borrow some money off him to go out later tonight. AND MY BF GAVE £80 TO HIM. W. T. F?

We got into an argument about it and he has now stormed out (probably to borrow his brother more money, no doubt) even though we were supposed to be staying in tonight and chill out. I haven't phoned him to ask where he is even though I want to but he probably will shout at me more or just not answer. I made a thread about this before and was told IWBU but if all the above happened to you would you not think BFs brother was taking the absolute piss out of us? BF can't see it, I keep asking him why he just can't see what he's like but he just won't listen/refuses to believe it. I feel like Christmas has been completely ruined now because of him when yesterday was so nice but that part won't be remembered because of today's antics. Would IBU to say to BF when he gets back that his brother is absolutely not getting anything from us for next Christmas (or just chcolcates like he gets us) and nothing for his birthday either until he learns to put thought and care into presents like my BF does his and there will be NO exception to this next year? He is an absolute walkover I think

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 26/12/2018 18:33

God OP you sound horrible. You didn’t get him a thing he got you roses and you binned them.

WhatsUpHun · 26/12/2018 18:33

*your're

WhatsUpHun · 26/12/2018 18:33

** oh ffs Y o u ' r e

Weebitawks · 26/12/2018 18:33

Agree with red glitter. You ruined Christmas. His brother isn’t scrounging from you. My sister is a bit older than me and always used to get me generous gifts when I was still skint and not expect masses back. They even lent me money towards the deposit for my first house. That might not have happened if she was with someone like you who thought I was a “scrounger”.

As it is now, I can afford to buy my sister lovely gifts and I always remember how good her and her husband were to me when I needed it.

I can’t believe you let your bf buying his brother nice presents ruin Christmas. You sound ridiculous.

Thingsdogetbetter · 26/12/2018 18:34

He's not being treated like a fool if he knows the outcome already. He wants to give his brother nice gifts and he doesn't care what he gets back. Only you seem to care. The only thing he's being foolish about is putting up with you and your interfering dramatics and temper tantrums . He is not an extension of you; he is not wrong because he's not agreeing like you. Being a couple does not mean becoming a hive mind with you as boss.

You need to decide if you love him for himself, or you simply want a pliant clone of yourself.

clockworklime · 26/12/2018 18:35

Wait... you‘re jealous of his relationship with his brother arent you?

TopBitchoftheWitches · 26/12/2018 18:38

To lend his brother money, not borrow. Hmm

TwistedStitch · 26/12/2018 18:40

Somehow missed the bit where you threw the chocolates in the bin? Who the hell do you think you are? Astonished your bf hasn't dumped you. He should have done for that alone. Who wants a relationship with an ungrateful child?

Purpleartichoke · 26/12/2018 18:40

I personally think that is too much to spend on an adult, but that is just because I tend towards the frugal. Your boyfriend is an adult and does not share finances with anyone, he gets to decide his own budget.

Ragwort · 26/12/2018 18:40

Why do you care so much? Can your DP afford to spend the money on his brother? Are you jealous of the brother? Does your DP give you nice presents?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2018 18:41

Where's this WE coming from OP? You and your boyfriend don't share finances, what did you buy for your boyfriend's brother?

Tony2 · 26/12/2018 18:41

Sunshine, by Christ do you have issues. How old are you? Two? You are a controlling narcissist, and if I were BF, I would bash you over the head with the bluntest of sharp implements, my tongue. Throwing away someone else's present? Give your bumps a good feel. Happy new year.

deckthehallsred · 26/12/2018 18:43

It doesn’t sound like you share finances or this is affecting your life so why do you care? Dh’s Db just spent £200 on us (family of 4). We bought him socks (nice ones but still). We rarely see him and didn’t know we would be over Christmas, He was genuinely pleased and definitely not resentful.

My mum got me nothing but spent £30 on each of our 2 dc. I spent approx £80 on her. I know she doesn’t have the money to buy me expensive gifts. What is it with this adding up of amounts spent?! I can understand if you set an amount such as with DH or for cousins etc but if you don’t surely it’s upto the person buying the gift what they’d like to spend?

Your bf sounds like a lovely, generous man who likes to treat his db. He’s obviously not expecting anything back. I think he should leave you for someone less materialistic.

BrendasUmbrella · 26/12/2018 18:44

As the older brother maybe he's just used to the dynamic of spoiling his younger sibling? Even more so if he earns more.

Don't worry about it. Especially when it's on your own behalf. He's your boyfriend, not your husband. It's his own money, not family money, so there was no "we". You didn't buy his brother anything did you? But you saw fit to throw his (admittedly cheap and nasty) chocolates away and pick a fight. Who has really spoiled your Christmas?

BrendasUmbrella · 26/12/2018 18:45

Just text him and apologize.

LettuceP · 26/12/2018 18:45

This year I bought my dsis some nice gifts and she bought me nothing. I knew I would get nothing because I knew she couldn't afford to but I still bought for her because I love her and I wanted to get her something nice for herself. DH couldn't care less that we got nothing in return, he knows that I like to see my dsis happy.

You are being horrible OP and you are the one that has ruined Christmas.

ChestyNut · 26/12/2018 18:47

Not your money, not your problem.

You should apologise to boyfriend.

ElainaElephant · 26/12/2018 18:47

The thing is op, it's not your situation to be pissed off about.

Its not your brother, it's not your money, it's not your gift.

If your OH is OK with it, then that's what's important.

But, you know, feel free to wreck Christmas for both of you.

(and don't be too surprised if he dumps you in the new year)

ElfOnTheShelfAteMyJoy · 26/12/2018 18:47

Is it because any money he spends on his DB is less for spending on you?....

ItWasntMeItWasIm · 26/12/2018 18:47

spends so much on him for nothing in return

Giving is not about getting an equal value present back

HarrySnotter · 26/12/2018 18:48

OP, can you honestly not see that how your BF spends his money is none of your business? I mean, really?

I think his brother sounds like a twat, I really do, but your boyfriend obviously loves him and wants to buy him nice gifts. He's allowed to do that.

Stop with all the drama and the 'RAGING' etc or you will end up not having a boyfriend at all. Life is hard enough as it is without looking for things to get upset about so by all means be annoyed at the brother, but let your BF be.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 26/12/2018 18:48

I don't think YABU being upset on behalf of your BF, it does seem like the brother didn't put any effort or thought into his present and I'd be hurt on your BF's behalf.

YABU though trying to dictate what your BF can buy for his brother unless your finances are joint and you can't afford it.

I'm not sure you're going about things in the right way though. You might get more out of your BF if you ask him his motivation behind buying his brother so much (it depends on the family but it does seem fairly excessive) and how he feels when he gets chocolate in return, demanding that he didn't buy anything this year didn't really work

Gitfeatures · 26/12/2018 18:48

Be glad he's a walkover. If he wasn't, you'd have been binned off months ago.

rwalker · 26/12/2018 18:50

You sound desperate to cut his brother out of his life . Who next is your target to cut him off from very controlling

Ethel36 · 26/12/2018 18:50

Today 18:25 SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes

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to be RAGING at my BF's selfish brother - Christmas completely ruined because of him.106Show OP
Today 18:25 SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes

" No we do not share joint finances".

So it's none of your business, is it? This is between your boyfriend and his brother. You didn't buy him a present, yet he bought you a token gift to acknowledge your importance to his brother.

"His (younger) brother is 23 and he doesn't have the best job but he always scrounges off us ."

So his brother is young and struggling on low wages. It's lovely that your partner wants to treat his little brother.

Your partner sounds kind and generous. You are coming across as not very nice person. We don't give just to receive...It's because we want to.