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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be RAGING at my BF's selfish brother - Christmas completely ruined because of him.

351 replies

SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 17:49

For context: Last year my BF got the following for his brother for Christmas:

A nice jumper from River Island
One of those red letter experience thingies (that he didn't even end up using!)
Aftershave
Bottle of champagne
and something else that I can't remember but it was nice.

This is what we got back:

Roses chocolate (a small box)

I don't even fucking like Roses apart form the strawberry ones. I told BF after that we are not going to buy anything for his brother anymore because he is just ungrateful and we don't get the same level of presents back. He said okay. But little did I know...

Cut to this year. Without my knowledge he bought his brother:

An Amazon Echo spot
A personalised license plate
Some Game of Thrones stuff (not the DVDs but I didn't quite see what it was exactly)
A really nice scarf (that I actually said I liked myself when we were out shopping a couple of weeks ago)
A dash cam for his car.

He came round today and we swapped presents and surprise sur-fucking-prise, what do we get? Another box of Roses. I didn't even bother to say thank you (YES, I know that part was a bit rude but I felt like I shouldn't have to pretend to be pleased and grateful when I was fuming) and after he left I chucked them straight in the bin and my BF shouted at me and told me I was really rude and ungrateful - which is LAUGHABLE considering his brother is the ungrateful one. He said it was nothing to do with me but I said that we are a couple and if he is being taken advantage of then so am I. On top of the shit, meaningless and thoughtless last-minute present he got us he then asked my BF if he could borrow some money off him to go out later tonight. AND MY BF GAVE £80 TO HIM. W. T. F?

We got into an argument about it and he has now stormed out (probably to borrow his brother more money, no doubt) even though we were supposed to be staying in tonight and chill out. I haven't phoned him to ask where he is even though I want to but he probably will shout at me more or just not answer. I made a thread about this before and was told IWBU but if all the above happened to you would you not think BFs brother was taking the absolute piss out of us? BF can't see it, I keep asking him why he just can't see what he's like but he just won't listen/refuses to believe it. I feel like Christmas has been completely ruined now because of him when yesterday was so nice but that part won't be remembered because of today's antics. Would IBU to say to BF when he gets back that his brother is absolutely not getting anything from us for next Christmas (or just chcolcates like he gets us) and nothing for his birthday either until he learns to put thought and care into presents like my BF does his and there will be NO exception to this next year? He is an absolute walkover I think

OP posts:
greendale17 · 26/12/2018 18:01

For two years he running the got you a £2 box of Roses? His brother is taking the piss.

ItWasntMeItWasIm · 26/12/2018 18:01

Christmas is not about receiving presents. If it makes your DP happy to be generous to his brother then what does it matter what you get back?

ElainaElephant · 26/12/2018 18:02

So your BF bought his brother gifts and you get the hump because you don't like the gift he gave your BF?

But it's not your gift...

What did you get the brother? You must have got him something before you think the fact you don't like roses is in any way relevant.

RedPanda2 · 26/12/2018 18:02

It's really none if your business what goes on between the siblings

starcrossedseahorse · 26/12/2018 18:02

Crikey OP calm down. If your bf wants to buy his brother things then that is up to him surely?

Maybe his brother has no money in which case the chocolates are a token gift. Maybe he is a bit mean in which case be the bigger person and accept that. Throwing his present away was just shocking behaviour.

You are not coming across well at all here.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 26/12/2018 18:02

I think I remember your last thread. You didn’t take anything on board from it .

Bootsuit · 26/12/2018 18:02

I'm sure this scenario has cropped up on here before, with a gay couple ? Are you the same poster?

Puggles123 · 26/12/2018 18:03

I think it’s nice, they have been brothers a lot longer than you have been going out with him for; and if the lack of presents in return doesn’t bother him then not sure why it bothers you. Perhaps his situation is that he doesn’t have a lot of disposable income and so it’s seen as a way to treat him without offending him. Even if he does walk over him, it’s up to him how he deals with it- guessing money isn’t overly an issue as you were more offended that he didn’t get you a ‘good’ present in return.

minionsrule · 26/12/2018 18:03

OP are you the one who grabbed the phone off your BF during the last money borrowing drama?

If so i seem to recall you never would answer if it was shared money or you had separate finances.
Personally i would LTB, he is too nice for you. ... hth.
Why is he even still with you, every time you post about him you sound vile.... sorry but you do

LucyAutumn · 26/12/2018 18:03

Wow. Your reaction is completely unreasonable and over the top. You don't give to receive, and you especially don't have the right to an opinion if you're not the one who's forking out. If your bf wants to spend overspend on others then that is his business not yours. You really have highlighted the ugly side of Christmas Xmas Hmm

Whatsnewwithyou · 26/12/2018 18:03

I spent a couple of hundred pounds on my sister for Christmas, she didn't get me anything. But she's unemployed and hasa mental illness. I wasn't expecting anything and just wanted to give her things so she'd have a bit of happiness. If my DH had a problem with it I'd be very hurt and upset - luckily he doesn't.

You don't know the history i
of the relationship between the brothers and I really don't see how it's your business to be upset about. Whether or not you like roses doesn't make a bit of difference.

WetPaint4 · 26/12/2018 18:04

You threw away a box of chocolates???

chilledteacher · 26/12/2018 18:04

UABVU OP. It's your BF's brother not yours. Who are you to dictate how he spends his money? If the situation was reversed and you were posting about a controlling boyfriend who gets in a rage when you spend money on family members and even threw a present from your sibling in the bin, we would be telling you to LTB.

Storminateacup1 · 26/12/2018 18:05

If his money is shared with you (you have a joint pot like me and my DH do) then you have every right to be pissed off, if not, then you don’t.

chilledteacher · 26/12/2018 18:05

@JudasPrudy agreed! You have ruined your own Christmas OP, no one else has done this. Own your own controlling behaviour and apologise to your poor BF.

Howhot · 26/12/2018 18:06

Do you share finances? I feel that's the only relevent question and even then you are still being controlling.

Stardustinmyeyes · 26/12/2018 18:06

If it’s joint money that your boyfriend is spending then you have a point.
Your boyfriend sounds like a lovely man and I think that you may be a bit jealous that your Bf obviously loves his brother.
By the way you don’t borrow somebody money, they borrow, you lend. I’d back off and calm down-unless it’s your money, then it’s none of your business

HarrySnotter · 26/12/2018 18:07

OP are you the one who grabbed the phone off your BF during the last money borrowing drama?

Oh I remember this thread. Seems the OP has form for telling her BF what to do.

Pfingstrose · 26/12/2018 18:07

'and we don't get the same level of presents back'

Ah, the spirit of Christmas is alive and well I see... Hmm

adaline · 26/12/2018 18:08

What he buys his brother is absolutely none of your business. Keep out of it.

I wouldn't take kindly to anyone telling me I'd spent too much money on my own family. You need to apologise.

OohOohMrPeevly · 26/12/2018 18:09

I'd be pissed off too. The fact that his brother didn't even use his red letter experience shows that he's pretty ungrateful. Your boyfriend sounds lovely and caring and his brother sounds like a cheeky fucker.

CripsSandwiches · 26/12/2018 18:09

It sounds like his brother is the pampered baby of the family but YABU in your approach to it. It would bother me if I was planning a future with this guy but I think you're BU in how you're dealing with it. Your BF gets to choose what he buys his brother (assuming it's his money not shared and even if it is shared he still gets a choice in how it's spent). You're not going to change the family dynamic by stamping your feet.

JacquesHammer · 26/12/2018 18:11

and we don't get the same level of presents back

That’s very crass OP. Nobody should give a present in the expectation of getting something in return.

The only relevant point would be if your finances are shared; in that case you should have some say in how that money is spent.

Otherwise YABVU. Your BF is fully at liberty to buy his brother what he chooses.

Thingsdogetbetter · 26/12/2018 18:11

You are totally unreasonable. His family's present dynamics are none of your business. NONE!

Are you always so controlling with him? And so quick to take offence?

You seem so angry that I can only assume there is a massive back story. Your bf seems a bit desperate to please his brother or to pretend they are close. And the brother obviously doesn't care. But instead of being loving and supportive of your bf you throw a temper tantrum of an epic scale. Brother didn't ruin Christmas, you did! You could have laughed off the shite present and got on with your day. But instead you are telling your bf what he can and can't do with his own family gifts.

Your bf knows what his brother is like. He's not an idiot who needs you to fight some imaginary battle for him.

You need to step back, Stop being controlling, demanding and defensive. Suck it up, apologise a ton and your bf MIGHT be around next Christmas.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2018 18:11

By the way, I a few years ago I suggested to all the adults in mine and dh’s Family (siblings of ours) that we just get the kids presents as it got out of hand giving to adults too who didn’t really need a massive pile of stuff. DH’s family agreed and were relieved I think. My sister was the only adult who was horrified and said she loved buying presents and she wanted to carry on, even if I didn’t want to buy her anything. I’m not into STUFF that I don’t really need or want but she clearly is, and I’m not selfish enough to accept something from her and not give anything in return. so every year she goes overboard spending far more than necessary But I’m not falling into that silliness and spending on the credit card just to keep up with her buying levels, so she gets something from me that is worth a lot less in monetary terms.

It’s not quite a box of roses but not far off. If I knew she was slagging me off to everyone and comparing what I bought her with what she bought me I would be absolutely disgusted.

Some people are very materialistic and place value on stuff that is obviously expensive. It doesn’t give them the right to slag off other people for doing Christmas differently.

I don’t think it should be even about what someone else can afford either, I’m shocked that people are saying this. The fair thing for next year woukd be to agree to a spending limit then no-one can have a hissy fit like you, Op

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