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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be RAGING at my BF's selfish brother - Christmas completely ruined because of him.

351 replies

SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 17:49

For context: Last year my BF got the following for his brother for Christmas:

A nice jumper from River Island
One of those red letter experience thingies (that he didn't even end up using!)
Aftershave
Bottle of champagne
and something else that I can't remember but it was nice.

This is what we got back:

Roses chocolate (a small box)

I don't even fucking like Roses apart form the strawberry ones. I told BF after that we are not going to buy anything for his brother anymore because he is just ungrateful and we don't get the same level of presents back. He said okay. But little did I know...

Cut to this year. Without my knowledge he bought his brother:

An Amazon Echo spot
A personalised license plate
Some Game of Thrones stuff (not the DVDs but I didn't quite see what it was exactly)
A really nice scarf (that I actually said I liked myself when we were out shopping a couple of weeks ago)
A dash cam for his car.

He came round today and we swapped presents and surprise sur-fucking-prise, what do we get? Another box of Roses. I didn't even bother to say thank you (YES, I know that part was a bit rude but I felt like I shouldn't have to pretend to be pleased and grateful when I was fuming) and after he left I chucked them straight in the bin and my BF shouted at me and told me I was really rude and ungrateful - which is LAUGHABLE considering his brother is the ungrateful one. He said it was nothing to do with me but I said that we are a couple and if he is being taken advantage of then so am I. On top of the shit, meaningless and thoughtless last-minute present he got us he then asked my BF if he could borrow some money off him to go out later tonight. AND MY BF GAVE £80 TO HIM. W. T. F?

We got into an argument about it and he has now stormed out (probably to borrow his brother more money, no doubt) even though we were supposed to be staying in tonight and chill out. I haven't phoned him to ask where he is even though I want to but he probably will shout at me more or just not answer. I made a thread about this before and was told IWBU but if all the above happened to you would you not think BFs brother was taking the absolute piss out of us? BF can't see it, I keep asking him why he just can't see what he's like but he just won't listen/refuses to believe it. I feel like Christmas has been completely ruined now because of him when yesterday was so nice but that part won't be remembered because of today's antics. Would IBU to say to BF when he gets back that his brother is absolutely not getting anything from us for next Christmas (or just chcolcates like he gets us) and nothing for his birthday either until he learns to put thought and care into presents like my BF does his and there will be NO exception to this next year? He is an absolute walkover I think

OP posts:
hollyhaphazard · 26/12/2018 18:51

Christmas is not a transaction....and repeat. I'd be happy to have such a generous BF. He sounds lovely and if that's the way he wants to spend his money then so be it.

Username12345 · 26/12/2018 18:52

Brothers are around alot longer than partners. Remember that, OP

Kay2705 · 26/12/2018 18:53

You really should stay out of it if it's his money he is using

Nojobistoobig · 26/12/2018 18:54

Did you contribute to the gifts? I understand the inequality but maybe your BF enjoys buying for his brother and wants to see him with nice things. Maybe your BF would feel bad if his brother spent a lot of money on him that he couldn’t afford.

Original poster
SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 18:55

How is it not any of my business though when my BF is getting taken advantage of - am I just supposed to let him be? (IMO - As I am seemingly BU I feel that others wont see he him being taken advatnage of even though it is).

OP posts:
BlueThesaurusRex · 26/12/2018 18:55

Yes, it’s frustrating to see your OH not being treated equally (in your eyes), his brother sounds thoughtless.

However, you were wrong to throw the chocolates away, that was very childish.

You don’t know the full situation with OH and his brother; his brother may have helped him out in the past or it may just be that he gets a great deal of happiness from helping him out.

You owe your OH an apology and next year just bite your tongue and expect the same.

longwayoff · 26/12/2018 18:56

£2 a box of Roses? Here's hoping they came from the £ shop. Wouldn't want him wasting money.

adaline · 26/12/2018 18:56

How is it not any of my business though when my BF is getting taken advantage of - am I just supposed to let him be?

Because it's his brother, his family and his choice. He knows what his brother is like. If he wants to spend hundreds on presents that's HIS choice. It's nothing to do with you.

TedAndLola · 26/12/2018 18:57

What is wrong with you?

Let your boyfriend give what he wants to his family. You sound like a fucking nightmare.

jessstan2 · 26/12/2018 18:57

You are not very nice, op. Is your partner several years older than his younger brother? He's obviously fond of him and what he does with his own money is his business. A few years down the line when the brother is earning more, your man will probably reign it in a bit and no doubt his brother will do some spoiling. Hopefully you'll be out of the picture by then, you're mean and ungracious.

I can hardly believe you totalled everything up. Sheesh.

Jellybabie3 · 26/12/2018 18:57

What a horrible thread. Christmas is way more than receiving gifts. Surely if your BF expected a certain match of value in gifts as per your outrage last year he would have made his own decision to scale back this year? He didnt presumably because he wanted and was happy to spend X amount on his brother. This sounds like jealousy tbh. What did your bf get you? And you him? Did that tally OK for you or is your bf allowed to spend more on you?

LeilaDarling · 26/12/2018 18:57

You bf must be a high earner? I actually think that’s way too much to buy a grown up sibling.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.
Is there a huge age gap between them?
I see you view entirely and think you have every right to comment.

Tim720 · 26/12/2018 18:57

You’re a little madam aren’t you !! Jealous of his brother and very controlling , he realises his brother will be around a lot longer than you .

user1486250399 · 26/12/2018 18:58

You sound delightful.

pretentiousrubberduck · 26/12/2018 19:00

I don't see how he's being taken advantage of? Your BF obviously knows his brother doesn't have a lot of money so wasn't expecting much in return. I think the fact that he still goes all out without expecting anything back shows how close they are and how lovely your BF is. You, on the other hand, sound like a massive, cynical grinch.

HauntedPencil · 26/12/2018 19:00

He got Roses last year. He still wanted to get nice presents for him. It isn't the brothers fault, really. It's not like he'd promised any more or usually bought more. Therefore it would seem he likes to give to him and isn't bothered that he gets an equal amount in return.

Why is this such a big deal to you that it would ruin Christmas? I don't get that.

Saying that the level of gifts does seem a lot and I'd likely mention something but throwing the chocolate in the bin and shouting at him seems excessive

Jellybabie3 · 26/12/2018 19:00

How long have you been together out of interest?

AimlesslyPurposeful · 26/12/2018 19:00

As it’s not your money it really isn’t for you to dictate what you DP spends on his DB.

Perhaps your DP prefers to give than receive? Perhaps he enjoys finding gifts he thinks his DB would like?

As your DP had to lend his DB some money it sounds like, for whatever reason, he’s low on funds. Hence the Roses rather than an extravagant box from Pierre Marcolini.

If the DBs are close and you continue to criticise and throw presents away in a tantrum you will end up pushing your DP into choosing between you both. You may not like his choice.

HarrySnotter · 26/12/2018 19:01

OP, you are not in charge of your BF. You may well wish to be, but you're not.

It sounds to be (forgive me if I'm wrong) that you are very young and perhaps inexperienced in relationships. The more you behave like this, the more likely it is that your BF will get bored of all this nonsense and leave you. Most of us can't be bothered with this kind of constant drama.

NoShelfElf · 26/12/2018 19:02

Your BF has spent his money as he feels fit. It has no bearing on you or your finances. He has given for the joy in giving rather than expectation of receiving gifts himself. Sounds like he has a realistic view of the situation. I suggest you mind your own business and get on the internet to check how much everyone else spent on you so you can decide if you want to persist with these relationships or if they're not financially beneficial to you.
You sound unkind, ungenerous, spoilt and immature.

CSIblonde · 26/12/2018 19:02

That does sound a lot but if his brother is struggling in a low paid job perhaps he wants to spoil him. As long as he can afford it & he doesn't have a destructive pattern of buying people's affection with gifts, I don't see the problem.

newmun · 26/12/2018 19:02

I think i agree with you. He should not have lent him any money, the brother should learn to control his finances better and live within his means. Re the presents the brother is definitely being a CF, but if he wants to spend that much then what can you do. Just remind him of this next year I suppose.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/12/2018 19:02

I LOVE buying presents. I don’t have a partner and I’m very close to my siblings/half siblings/step siblings so I buy them a fair bit. I can afford it. I also buy nice things (I think) for the DCs of those who have them. I don’t buy because I want anything back. I just like getting them things I think they will like.

Some of them I get a lot of presents back from, some a token gift like chocolate (especially from the ones with small sand expensive DCs). I’ve never added up how much I spend and how much I receive because it’s just not an issue.

I would be furious if a partner told me who to buy for and who not to. Stop with this controlling stuff.

Butterflysprinkles · 26/12/2018 19:02

Hes not being taken advantage of if your BF chose himself to buy all them things for his brother.
If he was being alsked all the time to lend him money and was never paid back then that would be more taken advantage of.

Its xmas he wanted to buy his brother some nice presents for a treat so he did.
You just wanted some nice presents back instead of a box of roses. Which is not a nice way to be.

If people are in a position to treat tgeir Siblings then its a nice thing to do.

Jellylegss · 26/12/2018 19:02

As all my grannies would’ve said “you don’t give to get”

And it’s not your money. Were you really hoping he’d spend the extra cash on you instead...

My oh’s family buy bigger gifts for each other than mine, we write lists so we don’t get a mountain of things we don’t need/want whereas they just buy each other what they want.. he does their presents I do my sides, he pays for theirs I pay for mine.. I don’t even ask how much he spent and he doesn’t ask me.

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