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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be RAGING at my BF's selfish brother - Christmas completely ruined because of him.

351 replies

SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 17:49

For context: Last year my BF got the following for his brother for Christmas:

A nice jumper from River Island
One of those red letter experience thingies (that he didn't even end up using!)
Aftershave
Bottle of champagne
and something else that I can't remember but it was nice.

This is what we got back:

Roses chocolate (a small box)

I don't even fucking like Roses apart form the strawberry ones. I told BF after that we are not going to buy anything for his brother anymore because he is just ungrateful and we don't get the same level of presents back. He said okay. But little did I know...

Cut to this year. Without my knowledge he bought his brother:

An Amazon Echo spot
A personalised license plate
Some Game of Thrones stuff (not the DVDs but I didn't quite see what it was exactly)
A really nice scarf (that I actually said I liked myself when we were out shopping a couple of weeks ago)
A dash cam for his car.

He came round today and we swapped presents and surprise sur-fucking-prise, what do we get? Another box of Roses. I didn't even bother to say thank you (YES, I know that part was a bit rude but I felt like I shouldn't have to pretend to be pleased and grateful when I was fuming) and after he left I chucked them straight in the bin and my BF shouted at me and told me I was really rude and ungrateful - which is LAUGHABLE considering his brother is the ungrateful one. He said it was nothing to do with me but I said that we are a couple and if he is being taken advantage of then so am I. On top of the shit, meaningless and thoughtless last-minute present he got us he then asked my BF if he could borrow some money off him to go out later tonight. AND MY BF GAVE £80 TO HIM. W. T. F?

We got into an argument about it and he has now stormed out (probably to borrow his brother more money, no doubt) even though we were supposed to be staying in tonight and chill out. I haven't phoned him to ask where he is even though I want to but he probably will shout at me more or just not answer. I made a thread about this before and was told IWBU but if all the above happened to you would you not think BFs brother was taking the absolute piss out of us? BF can't see it, I keep asking him why he just can't see what he's like but he just won't listen/refuses to believe it. I feel like Christmas has been completely ruined now because of him when yesterday was so nice but that part won't be remembered because of today's antics. Would IBU to say to BF when he gets back that his brother is absolutely not getting anything from us for next Christmas (or just chcolcates like he gets us) and nothing for his birthday either until he learns to put thought and care into presents like my BF does his and there will be NO exception to this next year? He is an absolute walkover I think

OP posts:
Redglitter · 26/12/2018 18:25

Unless your BF used joint money then i cant see the problem

His brother didnt ruin Christmas- you did

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 26/12/2018 18:26

I realised that sounded sarcastic about my dad’s gifts. It wasn’t meant to be, he got me a cook’s blowtorch and some gorgeous cake decorating tools, which was remarkably thoughtful of him. He got DP some football memorabilia and a particular drill bit he’s been after, again, really thoughtful.

That means more than money.

JacquesHammer · 26/12/2018 18:26

No we do not share joint finances

Absolutely not your business then.

Seriously allow your boyfriend - another adult - to do what he pleases. You sound hideously controlling.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 26/12/2018 18:26

It's not actually any of your business what your BF gives his brother for Christmas, especially if you don't have joint finances.
Let it go!

Thingsdogetbetter · 26/12/2018 18:26

Nope. Not pissed off in the slightest. For one, it's not a present from me and to me, so none of my business. Even if it was about me, I'd have realised my brother is a bit of a twat when it came to presents and laugh it off. But to be so pissed off I ruined the day? Nope!!!

WhatsUpHun · 26/12/2018 18:26

@SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes do you have joint finances???

thebaronetofcockburn · 26/12/2018 18:26

He's a boyfriend. Do you share finances, are you subbing him and his lifestyle with your money, do you live together and have to cut back to live but he splurges on his brother? Otherwise, it's not your business, tbh, but now you know if you continue in this relationship that your BF will forever sub his brother. Chose now whether or not that's a dealbreaker. I once lived with a man who was like this with his mother. Could have got to the marriage/blending finances but once he got to the point where he wasn't paying his share of the utilities so he could sub his mother, that's when instead of being an idiot and staying, I left as soon as the tenancy was up.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 26/12/2018 18:27

You owe your man an apology, and you really need to re-evaluate the way you treat him

Original poster
SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 18:27

Sounds as though the BF gives the brother too much.

Yes, exactly. If we didn't get him anything or just something crap then fair enough but he spends so much on him for nothing in return and like an idiot he keeps doing it even though I ask him what the hell he's playing at and he's being treated like a fool.

OP posts:
WhatsUpHun · 26/12/2018 18:27

well if you dont buy anything for the brother, then you are very rude to bin his present to you

Storminateacup1 · 26/12/2018 18:27

I wouldn’t be arsed if the other person was grateful and I knew they couldn’t possibly afford much else.

FilthyforFirth · 26/12/2018 18:27

If it isnt your money, why do you care this much? You sound barking...

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/12/2018 18:27

His (younger) brother is 23 and he doesn't have the best job but he always scrounges off us He's not scrounging off "us" if you don't have joint finances.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 26/12/2018 18:27

If we didn't get him anything or just something crap then fair enough but he spends so much on him for nothing in return and like an idiot he keeps doing it even though I ask him what the hell he's playing at and he's being treated like a fool.

Never mind the apology. He needs to leave you. Horrible.

Bluelady · 26/12/2018 18:27

Not your money, not your business. Wind your neck in.

JacquesHammer · 26/12/2018 18:28

and like an idiot he keeps doing it even though I ask him what the hell he's playing at and he's being treated like a fool

You do realise you’re treating your BF like a fool...?

Girlicorne · 26/12/2018 18:29

Christmas is ruined because you got a box of roses?? Sorry OP you need to get a grip if something as unimportant as this can ruin Christmas. If your boyf wants to spend his money on his brother it's none of your business! You don't give to receive!!!

AWishForWingsThatWork · 26/12/2018 18:30

Unless you have joint finances or he can't pay his share of your joint household bills and expenses because of what he's buying for and 'lending' constantly to his brother, it's none of your business.

If you two aren't able to save up properly to get married, buy a home, save for retirement or whatever you might want to be joint saving for because your brother feels he has to support his younger brother's lifestyle for whatever reason ... then yes, have a discussion with your boyfriend. But if he doesn't agree with you, or if he thinks it's ok for you to save up for you both while he supports his brother, then perhaps this isn't the relationship for you.

Sparkletastic · 26/12/2018 18:30

Presumably your BF is in a position to treat his brother with generosity and wishes to continue to do so. It is his decision and his money. You've told him your views and he does not agree with you. You should now let the matter rest.

sunshineandshowers21 · 26/12/2018 18:31

why is what your boyfriend buys his brother your business? i spend quite a bit on my sister and get less in return because she makes less money than me, but my boyfriend doesn’t whinge at me about how i spent my money on my sister - and if he did i’d tell him to mind his own business!

steff13 · 26/12/2018 18:32

I don't buy gifts with the expectation of getting something in return. Your boyfriend sounds kind and generous. Those are usually considered desirable traits...

Postino · 26/12/2018 18:32

Split up, you're not compatible

Hidinginthebath · 26/12/2018 18:32

Oh god, I hope my DP's aren't like you OP. I got mine a £20 sports direct voucher each and some chocolate.

I have 3dc's, I'm a lone parent and I've just bought a house so finances are stretched.

My dp's bought for my children but they also bought me some lovely bits and a joint present of vouchers for the cinema, cake cafe and various restaurant vouchers. They probably spent £200 plus all told. I spent £40. I hope they don't moan about similar value presents Confused

Gazelda · 26/12/2018 18:32

I think your BF would be a fool if he didn't walk away.
You sound controlling, you appear to dislike his brother, you seem to value money over family relationships and your style of taking to him and about him is belittling.

WhatsUpHun · 26/12/2018 18:33

did you buy anything for the brother?

No we do not share joint finances and yes I snatched the phone from him ONE TIME and one time only

so not your money, and your that poster ( i dont remember your user name,. but i do remember that thread)