Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be RAGING at my BF's selfish brother - Christmas completely ruined because of him.

351 replies

SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 17:49

For context: Last year my BF got the following for his brother for Christmas:

A nice jumper from River Island
One of those red letter experience thingies (that he didn't even end up using!)
Aftershave
Bottle of champagne
and something else that I can't remember but it was nice.

This is what we got back:

Roses chocolate (a small box)

I don't even fucking like Roses apart form the strawberry ones. I told BF after that we are not going to buy anything for his brother anymore because he is just ungrateful and we don't get the same level of presents back. He said okay. But little did I know...

Cut to this year. Without my knowledge he bought his brother:

An Amazon Echo spot
A personalised license plate
Some Game of Thrones stuff (not the DVDs but I didn't quite see what it was exactly)
A really nice scarf (that I actually said I liked myself when we were out shopping a couple of weeks ago)
A dash cam for his car.

He came round today and we swapped presents and surprise sur-fucking-prise, what do we get? Another box of Roses. I didn't even bother to say thank you (YES, I know that part was a bit rude but I felt like I shouldn't have to pretend to be pleased and grateful when I was fuming) and after he left I chucked them straight in the bin and my BF shouted at me and told me I was really rude and ungrateful - which is LAUGHABLE considering his brother is the ungrateful one. He said it was nothing to do with me but I said that we are a couple and if he is being taken advantage of then so am I. On top of the shit, meaningless and thoughtless last-minute present he got us he then asked my BF if he could borrow some money off him to go out later tonight. AND MY BF GAVE £80 TO HIM. W. T. F?

We got into an argument about it and he has now stormed out (probably to borrow his brother more money, no doubt) even though we were supposed to be staying in tonight and chill out. I haven't phoned him to ask where he is even though I want to but he probably will shout at me more or just not answer. I made a thread about this before and was told IWBU but if all the above happened to you would you not think BFs brother was taking the absolute piss out of us? BF can't see it, I keep asking him why he just can't see what he's like but he just won't listen/refuses to believe it. I feel like Christmas has been completely ruined now because of him when yesterday was so nice but that part won't be remembered because of today's antics. Would IBU to say to BF when he gets back that his brother is absolutely not getting anything from us for next Christmas (or just chcolcates like he gets us) and nothing for his birthday either until he learns to put thought and care into presents like my BF does his and there will be NO exception to this next year? He is an absolute walkover I think

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 26/12/2018 18:12

He said it was nothing to do with me but I said that we are a couple and if he is being taken advantage of then so am I.

He's right - he can spend his own hard earned cash on whoever he wants to spend it on.
You're not joined at the hip.
Throwing the chocs in the bin WAS rude and ungrateful - plus they weren't exactly yours to chuck, you basically chucked his present off his brother to him in the bin.

You may be a 'couple' but you're still individuals - don't ever forget that.

Cynara · 26/12/2018 18:14

I remember you! You're the controlling boyfriend in the gay relationship who can't keep your nose of your boyfriend's relationship with his brother, aren't you? Hi, Merry Christmas! Why on earth do you keep posting variations on the same scenario, for which you receive the same advice every time, and yet neither reflect on and change your behaviour nor put an end to the misery you're inflicting on your poor boyfriend, who sounds quite kind and well-meaning?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 26/12/2018 18:14

I buy the presents I can afford for other people - so some people get higher value gifts than they give me (because I can afford more than them) others get much lower value gifts than they give me (because I can afford less than them).

All are given freely and gratefully received. That's what gift giving is about.

I love treating my sisters to something nice I know they wouldn't afford/justify buying themselves.

You seem more 'tit for tat', which is a shame, as you are rather missing the point and the joy in gift giving.

DoneLikeAKipper · 26/12/2018 18:16

Is this the gay couple again?

adaline · 26/12/2018 18:16

I remember you! You're the controlling boyfriend in the gay relationship who can't keep your nose of your boyfriend's relationship with his brother, aren't you?

Oh is it THAT poster? Ugh. Tedious.

TeachesOfPeaches · 26/12/2018 18:17

I'm sure your boyfriend expects to receive the roses and enjoys buying his brother presents despite this. Leave your bf alone.

DoneLikeAKipper · 26/12/2018 18:17

X post, see everyone has the same idea.

If it is, then how has your boyfriend not dumped you yet?!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2018 18:17

@e fact that his brother didn't even use his red letter experience shows that he's pretty ungrateful”

Not really. Maybe it’s just the sort of gift that he wouldn’t want, use or enjoy. So many give gifts that they themselves would want to receive without actually thinking how the recipient would view them or make use of them.

pretentiousrubberduck · 26/12/2018 18:18

Is his brother skint? Maybe chocolates is all he can afford. My sister came for xmas day and although we'd agreed not to do presents this year, I didn't want her to have nothing to open. I ended up spending about 40 quid on a few little things for her. Unbeknownst to me she did the same and it was lovely! But neither of us was expecting the other one to reciprocate. We both ended up doing it because we love each other and enjoy buying each other presents. My sister is a very generous person and wouldn't have cared at all if all I got her was a box of chocolates (and vice versa). Likewise she's lent me money before and I've lent her money before. I wouldn't be impressed if my DH or her BF reacted the way you have. You owe him a massive apology.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 26/12/2018 18:19

I’m actually amazed he is still with you after your last thread.

helpmum2003 · 26/12/2018 18:19

Without placing any blame you and your partner are incompatible with regards to spending on family gifts and him helping his brother financially.

This is unlikely to change so I would consider ending the relationship. It's an issue which will raise its head every year.

Returnofthesmileybar · 26/12/2018 18:19

If this family money then yanbu about the lending money but if it's not, and i suspect it's not then yabu

TwistedStitch · 26/12/2018 18:20

IIRC you don't share any finances and his brother doesn't have alot of money. You have form for being controlling and trying to drive a wedge between them. Your bf has made it clear he disagrees with you so butt out.

notapizzaeater · 26/12/2018 18:20

Didn't you learn last year, your bf brother relationship is not your issue

grumiosmum · 26/12/2018 18:21

Another MNetter who seems to think Xmas is all about giving in order to receive. Classy. Not.

Original poster
SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 18:21

To all the posters saying YABU (nd if I was reading this I might say the same) but if this happened to you, would you not feel pissed off at the inequality?

OP posts:
IdaBWells · 26/12/2018 18:22

Do you have joint finances where his gift giving impacts your budget directly? If not it is none of your business and you need to butt out completely.

You chose to ruin your own Christmas (and most likely your boyfriend's) and you are being a complete drama llama.

TwistedStitch · 26/12/2018 18:22

Your boyfriend bought the presents so what inequality did YOU experience?

JacquesHammer · 26/12/2018 18:23

but if this happened to you, would you not feel pissed off at the inequality?

No, unless it was from joint finances.

Was it, OP?

NotUmbongoUnchained · 26/12/2018 18:23

I don’t give to receive. That’s not the point of gift giving. You’re an ungrateful brat.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 26/12/2018 18:24

No I wouldn’t.

We spent a lot of money on family, because we wanted to. We got nothing back from SIL and BIL (nor did the kids) and they asked to borrow yet more money. Which we gave them.

Dad got us some nice and thoughtful but fairly inexpensive gifts. Lovely.

If your Christmas is all about money and stuff and point scoring I think that’s actually really sad.

And the way you treat your BF is awful, bordering on abusive. No wonder he walked out, I would have too.

Abra1de · 26/12/2018 18:24

Sounds as though the BF gives the brother too much.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/12/2018 18:24

Your BF is a walkover because he won't do as you tell him to do!
Something of a contradiction there.

Also I can't see your relationship lasting much longer if you keep trying to control him this way.

adaline · 26/12/2018 18:24

but if this happened to you, would you not feel pissed off at the inequality?

No, because it's not my money and not my business. Presumably your BF is happy to spend more on his brother knowing he won't get a lot in return. That's HIS choice. It's fuck all to do with you.

Original poster
SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 18:25

As per the last thread: No we do not share joint finances and yes I snatched the phone from him ONE TIME and one time only. His (younger) brother is 23 and he doesn't have the best job but he always scrounges off us and I think even with a bit of planning he could give us something better than some cheap chocolates which seems like a last minute "oh fuck, let me just pick up something at the last second". But if I'm BU then fine, I just don't see it in this case. I don't see how anyone could be happy if they were in this situation.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread