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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be RAGING at my BF's selfish brother - Christmas completely ruined because of him.

351 replies

SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 17:49

For context: Last year my BF got the following for his brother for Christmas:

A nice jumper from River Island
One of those red letter experience thingies (that he didn't even end up using!)
Aftershave
Bottle of champagne
and something else that I can't remember but it was nice.

This is what we got back:

Roses chocolate (a small box)

I don't even fucking like Roses apart form the strawberry ones. I told BF after that we are not going to buy anything for his brother anymore because he is just ungrateful and we don't get the same level of presents back. He said okay. But little did I know...

Cut to this year. Without my knowledge he bought his brother:

An Amazon Echo spot
A personalised license plate
Some Game of Thrones stuff (not the DVDs but I didn't quite see what it was exactly)
A really nice scarf (that I actually said I liked myself when we were out shopping a couple of weeks ago)
A dash cam for his car.

He came round today and we swapped presents and surprise sur-fucking-prise, what do we get? Another box of Roses. I didn't even bother to say thank you (YES, I know that part was a bit rude but I felt like I shouldn't have to pretend to be pleased and grateful when I was fuming) and after he left I chucked them straight in the bin and my BF shouted at me and told me I was really rude and ungrateful - which is LAUGHABLE considering his brother is the ungrateful one. He said it was nothing to do with me but I said that we are a couple and if he is being taken advantage of then so am I. On top of the shit, meaningless and thoughtless last-minute present he got us he then asked my BF if he could borrow some money off him to go out later tonight. AND MY BF GAVE £80 TO HIM. W. T. F?

We got into an argument about it and he has now stormed out (probably to borrow his brother more money, no doubt) even though we were supposed to be staying in tonight and chill out. I haven't phoned him to ask where he is even though I want to but he probably will shout at me more or just not answer. I made a thread about this before and was told IWBU but if all the above happened to you would you not think BFs brother was taking the absolute piss out of us? BF can't see it, I keep asking him why he just can't see what he's like but he just won't listen/refuses to believe it. I feel like Christmas has been completely ruined now because of him when yesterday was so nice but that part won't be remembered because of today's antics. Would IBU to say to BF when he gets back that his brother is absolutely not getting anything from us for next Christmas (or just chcolcates like he gets us) and nothing for his birthday either until he learns to put thought and care into presents like my BF does his and there will be NO exception to this next year? He is an absolute walkover I think

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 27/12/2018 16:57

And yabvu putting chocolate in the bin, petty officer petrick mcpettison reporting for duty on hms pettanic or what.

Original poster
SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 27/12/2018 16:58

Literally made this account to call you a cunt

Well, Merry Christmas to you too Hmm

Glad a few posters at least understood where I am coming from. Upon reflection it was wrong of me to throw the chocolates in the bin just because I personally don't like them but I was just fed up at the time. We've since talked and I've said sorry but not sure if I'm properly forgiven yet.

OP posts:
slashlover · 27/12/2018 17:11

We've since talked and I've said sorry but not sure if I'm properly forgiven yet

Buy you're not actually sorry.

You've also been asked multiple times what you expect DB to do. Do you want him to get into debt to spend the same as your BF?

Charlie1987x · 27/12/2018 17:14

Its wrong of you to interfere full stop. Unless he is using ur money its none of your business

DawgLover · 27/12/2018 17:18

You're just not getting the relationship. As a big sister, I frequently spend more/lend money/provide favours for my siblings. Maybe one day when they have the same income it'll balance out but for now it's my prerogative to treat them even if they can't do the same for me.

If your finances were joint it would be different but you're essentially bitching about how money that was never yours is spent. Your BF is fully aware that his brother doesn't have the same income, and that Christmas presents received have been cheap. He chooses to spend more despite that making it his choice rather than being taken advance of. You've told your bf what you think, he seems to disagree and you need to drop it.

Julianaa · 27/12/2018 17:24

Yabu. You can't interfere in a sibling relationship. I like to lavish gifts and cash on my siblings, particularly my younger sister who is single and works very long hours in a tough, low paid job. If it came to partner or sister, sister would win.

The only way your OH's DB could be unreasonable is if the money your OH spends on him is joint finances or if the DB is rude to you, your DCs or your family. Being rude doesn't mean buying you a Christmas gift.

You should have said thank you for the Roses, as you've acknowledged, and if you didn't want them there are food banks and charity raffles that would be grateful for them. Your OH may even want to eat them.

Original poster
SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 27/12/2018 17:25

You've also been asked multiple times what you expect DB to do. Do you want him to get into debt to spend the same as your BF?

FGS stop dramatising things - I'm not saying he should go into debt or spend the same amount but he is a full time job for the last 3 months and knew Christmas was coming up, it's not like it was a complete shock and he didn't know it was going to happen. Even putting aside X amount a week would have been more than enough to buy a better present than what he did

OP posts:
Original poster
SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 27/12/2018 17:27

You should have said thank you for the Roses, as you've acknowledged, and if you didn't want them there are food banks and charity raffles that would be grateful for them. Your OH may even want to eat them.

I bought him another box this morning as I did feel guilty for what I did for reasons outlined in your post. Whether he eats them or donates them I don't mind but I felt I needed to replace them.

OP posts:
Ozil10 · 27/12/2018 17:29

Do you think Christmas is always about materialistic items and that you must give to receive equal value back? What did he buy you for Christmas? And finally, and honestly, are you jealous of his relationship with his brother and feel he puts his brothers feelings before yours?

Pachyderm1 · 27/12/2018 17:32

Your bf’s brother does sound like an absolute arsehole.

That said, unless your bf is spending family money on these gifts (I.e. if you and your bf live together and his spending on his brother is impacting your ability to pay bills etc) I don’t think you can stop him. If he doesn’t mind giving and not getting back, you can’t force him to.

Butchyrestingface · 27/12/2018 17:36

As per the last thread: No we do not share joint finances and yes I snatched the phone from him ONE TIME and one time only.

Ah, it is you. Thought so! Xmas Grin

And still as volatile.

You and your boyfriend appear fundamentally incompatible.

MadameButterface · 27/12/2018 17:38

Why is he an arsehole? He’s on a low income and is living within his means and not getting in debt for the sake of entering the Christmas giving olympics. He’d be an arsehole if he was tantrumming over not getting expensive presents but op is the one who had a tantrum here

NicoAndTheNiners · 27/12/2018 17:42

I think your BF spends an odd amount of money on his brother.....it's not normal to spend that much. I agree a £2 box of chocolates is also odd.

However if he's borrowing money he's obviously skint. He may also be a cheeky fucker. Would you have been happy with a £20 box of chocolates because that's about my spending limit for my brother.

Hell, dh spent £30 on me.....he asked me what I wanted and the gift I wanted cost £30.

I don't think presents in any respect should ever ruin Xmas. It really isn't what Xmas is about.

Original poster
SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 27/12/2018 17:48

However if he's borrowing money he's obviously skint

He doesn't seem skint and this money wasn't to live on, it was for going out that night.

I know it comes across as I dislike him but I really don't. We get on great. It's just I don't like how my BF allows himself be taken advantage of by him but he just can't see how he's being treated like a walkover. TBH this is going around in circles so, whatever. I've apologised.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 27/12/2018 17:51

I remember your previous thread OP and if it's the one I'm thinking of this is pretty much history repeating itself.

What your BF spends on his brother is your BF's business, unless he's taking money from you to give or lend to his brother you need to mind your own business and stop telling him what to do or you might find your BF decides that actually he doesn't want to be dictated to by you and doesn't want all this stupid behaviour and drama from you every time this sort of thing happens.

Giving presents isn't about what you get back. Some people just like to give because they like to give.

One of my DDs spent an absolute fortune on her younger sister when younger sister got married. Never in a million years is my younger DD going to be able, or willing, to spend anything beyond a token amount on her sister if and when she gets married.

It made my older DD happy to be able to do something nice for her sister. Some people just like to give, you are clearly not one of those people.

NicoAndTheNiners · 27/12/2018 17:57

Ok, asking for money for a night out is cheeky. But if he needs to borrow money for a night out it's unlikely he had much spare money for presents. But yes most people wouldn't expect their siblings to fund a night out.

ShesABelter · 27/12/2018 18:08

Wait a minute you don't give to receive. Your boyfriend is obviously happy to spoil his brother regardless of what he gets as the chocolates last year in return has proven.

You didn't pay for it and you didn't even choose it, it most certainely wasn't from you jointly. Stop sticking your nose in their business and trying to come between them.

Elfinablender · 27/12/2018 18:39

You keep saying the your bf is being taken advantage of but I really don't see it.

For him to have been taken for a fool there would have to have been some agreement of what was being exchanged and for his brother to have fallen short of that agreement.

But what happened this year was exactly what happened last year and your bf wasn't at all surprised or upset. In fact, it sounds like it was in line with his expectations and he still bought all those gifts anyway. He clearly gets a lot of pleasure out of treating his brother, regardless.

You seem to have a lot of problems understanding where you and and your boyfriend begins. He's allowed to spend his money differently, he's allowed to behave differently, he can feel differently.

ItWasntMeItWasIm · 27/12/2018 19:25

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DistanceCall · 27/12/2018 20:25

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Charlie1987x · 27/12/2018 22:57

@ItWasntMeItWasIm
Why thank you Grin

Original poster
SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 27/12/2018 23:50

@ItWasntMeItWasIm @Charlie1987x
I'm sure you both think you are hilarious? Hmm

@DistanceCall It desn't affect me directly but it is sort of my business as I'm with him and he is getting taken advantage of.

OP posts:
Duck90 · 28/12/2018 00:29

If your BF is happy, then there is not much else to say.

It was a rather high amount to spend. Can he cover all his share of household bills and not rely on you to pay for him?

KeiTeNgeNge · 28/12/2018 00:37

So did any of your money go into the present for the brother op?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 28/12/2018 00:40

I's just I don't like how my BF allows himself be taken advantage of by him but he just can't see how he's being treated like a walkover.

You do need to let this go otherwise it will end up breaking you as a couple. Just have a quiet eye roll about it every year and if you ever do share finances make sure the DBs gift comes out of a separate pot that isn't your money at all. Your DP can be in no doubt as to how you feel and presumably isn't stupid so can decise for himself whether he is being taken advantage of or not.