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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be RAGING at my BF's selfish brother - Christmas completely ruined because of him.

351 replies

SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 17:49

For context: Last year my BF got the following for his brother for Christmas:

A nice jumper from River Island
One of those red letter experience thingies (that he didn't even end up using!)
Aftershave
Bottle of champagne
and something else that I can't remember but it was nice.

This is what we got back:

Roses chocolate (a small box)

I don't even fucking like Roses apart form the strawberry ones. I told BF after that we are not going to buy anything for his brother anymore because he is just ungrateful and we don't get the same level of presents back. He said okay. But little did I know...

Cut to this year. Without my knowledge he bought his brother:

An Amazon Echo spot
A personalised license plate
Some Game of Thrones stuff (not the DVDs but I didn't quite see what it was exactly)
A really nice scarf (that I actually said I liked myself when we were out shopping a couple of weeks ago)
A dash cam for his car.

He came round today and we swapped presents and surprise sur-fucking-prise, what do we get? Another box of Roses. I didn't even bother to say thank you (YES, I know that part was a bit rude but I felt like I shouldn't have to pretend to be pleased and grateful when I was fuming) and after he left I chucked them straight in the bin and my BF shouted at me and told me I was really rude and ungrateful - which is LAUGHABLE considering his brother is the ungrateful one. He said it was nothing to do with me but I said that we are a couple and if he is being taken advantage of then so am I. On top of the shit, meaningless and thoughtless last-minute present he got us he then asked my BF if he could borrow some money off him to go out later tonight. AND MY BF GAVE £80 TO HIM. W. T. F?

We got into an argument about it and he has now stormed out (probably to borrow his brother more money, no doubt) even though we were supposed to be staying in tonight and chill out. I haven't phoned him to ask where he is even though I want to but he probably will shout at me more or just not answer. I made a thread about this before and was told IWBU but if all the above happened to you would you not think BFs brother was taking the absolute piss out of us? BF can't see it, I keep asking him why he just can't see what he's like but he just won't listen/refuses to believe it. I feel like Christmas has been completely ruined now because of him when yesterday was so nice but that part won't be remembered because of today's antics. Would IBU to say to BF when he gets back that his brother is absolutely not getting anything from us for next Christmas (or just chcolcates like he gets us) and nothing for his birthday either until he learns to put thought and care into presents like my BF does his and there will be NO exception to this next year? He is an absolute walkover I think

OP posts:
loveka · 27/12/2018 10:28

Oops, sorry, missed that it was a bloke posting.

So if they were married, people wouldn't be accusing him of being vile and controlling? It would suddenly be his business just because of a piece of paper?

JacquesHammer · 27/12/2018 10:30

So if they were married, people wouldn't be accusing him of being vile and controlling? It would suddenly be his business just because of a piece of paper?

It doesn’t matter whether they’re married or not. What matters is whether they’ve got joint finances.

They don’t and so it’s nonsensical that the OP thinks he has the right to control his partner’s spending by having tantrums.

NOTthepinkranger · 27/12/2018 10:30

No he would still be vile and controlling.

GhostSauce · 27/12/2018 10:33

I knew exactly who this was going to be from the title.

YABU. Again.

MakeABook · 27/12/2018 10:36

Op this was my DH! Absolutely go crazy for his brother and his kids and wife. But his brother is older and financially better off than us. I did notice the inequality not just in gifts. It was everything. They'd use DH for errands, babysitting, little fivers and tenners here and there which dh would never ask back and they never paid back. He'd spend a small fortune on the kids birthday and Xmas presents every year. He'd bend over backwards for him with very little in return or thanks. When we were dating I noticed it all and it made me really uncomfortable but I let him get on with it as long as it didn't affect me or rope me into anything. It was his money and his family.

However-be warned!!!!!! If your relationship becomes more serious as ours did. We moved in together and bought a house and pooled our finances and then the shit really hit the fan. It was our money now. My say counted. Can't go into details but DH made a financial decision on my behalf that basically benefitted his brother and we ended up losing around nearly £10000. All for his brother. It nearly broke our marriage and I literally had my bags packed as he just couldn't see how his brother was taking advantage of him and me ultimately. It might sound horrible but that day I made him choose between me and the kids and his brother and his family. I'd had enough.

I'm not saying anything like this will happen to you. But realise that this will go on forever. If you plan on pooling finances together it can become a problem.

Good luck.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/12/2018 10:37

It would suddenly be his business just because of a piece of paper?

Said piece of paper being a legal contract in which all assets become joint, so yes, it does make that much difference. You make it sound like a note scribbled on the back of an envelope.

ncasouting · 27/12/2018 10:40

Did you pay for half the presents to his brother?

Unless you did, it's got fuck all to do with you.

you were incredibly ungrateful to put the roses in the bin.

Biancadelriosback · 27/12/2018 10:46

How are the presents joint?

steff13 · 27/12/2018 10:47

So if they were married, people wouldn't be accusing him of being vile and controlling? It would suddenly be his business just because of a piece of paper?

As I said, IMO, joint finances make the difference. But, that "piece of paper" is a legal contract that says all their income and assets are joint. So that paper does make a difference. B

bellabasset · 27/12/2018 10:57

Your bf's db appears unappreciative of the presents your bf buys him. So don't participate in their gift exchanges. If your bf is spending his money and is able to afford it I think you have to accept that.

You need to think what is more important to you - your future relationship with your bf or his brother's lack of thought re his gifts.But don't let this ruin your relationship.

NameChangeNugget · 27/12/2018 11:55

I think you sound very controlling.

Tweety1981 · 27/12/2018 12:21

It depends on the situation which we don’t know .. it’s hard to understand who is at fault without knowing a bit more

MerryChristmasArthur · 27/12/2018 12:22

So I presume you gave your bf your half of the money for his brothers gifts seeing as you don't share joint finances? Then if this is true yeah you should feel a bit annoyed although if this isn't true then they aren't joint presents and you should keep your controlling nose out of your bf's business!

OMGFFS · 27/12/2018 12:29

Right so do you and your boyfriend live together? Because if you do and it’s JOINT money he’s being very U to just spend all that money on crap for his brother when his brother doesn’t do the same back.

If you two don’t live together then you are being unreasonable. It’s not your money till your both paying bills for a property etc.

Is his brother a lot younger than him?
Does his brother have financial issues you are unaware of that your bf might not have permission to talk about?

Inkstainedmags · 27/12/2018 12:46

*I knew exactly who this was going to be from the title.

YABU. Again.*

This is exactly what i came here to write.

OP, you are in the wrong relationship. Find someone who shares your shallow, self-centred, misguided values and leave this man and his brother alone.

Gilles27 · 27/12/2018 13:12

And it's made Mumsnet Madness! twitter.com/mumsnet_madness/status/1078259811492552704

Unicornsbumhole · 27/12/2018 13:17

I spoil my brother at Christmas and get NOTHING in return but i don't bitch about it because he can't afford to get me anything thats why I spoil him so YABVVVVU and controlling and a bit of a brat

slashlover · 27/12/2018 13:24

All that spent only to get cheap chocs in return? REALLY?

OP AGAIN, after posts about 2 Christmases and a birthday, your DP is very much aware that his DB will not be spending hundreds on a present for him and he still CHOOSES to still do so. Unless there's some dripfeed that the DB drives your DP to the shops and forces him to spend money then he is not taking advantage.

Do you want the DB to go into hundreds of £££s of debt to reciprocate?

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 27/12/2018 13:45

I really hope my lovely Bil and Sil don't feel this about us. We spend as much as we possibly can (in fact, every year in memory we don't even have £1 left by Christmas Day...) They earn a good 5 times more than us and are so good at choosing thoughtful presents that I always feel embarrassed at Christmas/Birthday time.

Celebelly · 27/12/2018 13:53

My DP's brother doesn't usually get us anything for Christmas or birthdays –he's younger and always skint, and we'd rather he save his money anyway. We're fortunate enough to be able to afford to buy him gifts so we do and we know they're appreciated, but we'd rather he didn't spend his money on us when he's struggling or when spending it would make his life more difficult.

And our finances for Christmas stuff tend to be joint, so it's both our money being spent on his brother, just like it's shared money being spent on my family too. We don't spend according to what we think we will get back.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/12/2018 14:12

Why on earth your BF puts up with you is beyond me! You are grabby and controlling.

Exactly what do you feel that you contribute to your relationship? Do you even work? It sounds to me as if you get, get, get from your bf but give nothing but grief.

CoughLaughFart · 27/12/2018 15:52

It’s hard to judge without knowing more about the brother’s position. All you say is ‘he hasn’t got the best job’. That could mean he doesn’t earn a huge amount, but could afford a bit more than a box of Roses, and is taking the piss by tapping up your boyfriend for a loan. Or it could mean he’s scraping by on minimum wage and had to spend his last few pennies on a box of chocolates to make sure he at least bought his brother something. That £80 loan could be what’s keeping him going until payday. He could have sold the experience day last year because he needed cash more than he did a ride in a Ferrari.

To be honest I do agree that your boyfriend overspends - and if his brother is that poorly off, cash or vouchers might have been more use than vanity plates. But it’s not my money and, crucially, it’s not yours. You keep talking about what ‘we’ gave him for Christmas - but you don’t have a joint account. The only way you both bought him the presents was if you gave your boyfriend some cash towards it; in which case you haven’t spent a penny more than you were planning to do.

BTW, a ‘horrible surprise’ is walking in on your partner with someone else, or finding out you’ve been the victim of credit card fraud. It’s not getting a box of bloody Roses for Christmas - even if you do only like the strawberry creams.

Charlie1987x · 27/12/2018 16:36

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Magentaorwagenta · 27/12/2018 16:47

Apart from that thread about the woman wanting to get rid of her new found acquaintance this is surely one of the most entitled, selfish threads I have ever read on here.

Yes op. YABFU.

MadameButterface · 27/12/2018 16:56

Their relationship predates you op (and will outlast you too)

So his brother is young and poor and your dp likes to spoil him at christmas, and you say he gets ‘nothing’ in return? Maybe, and this sounds wacky i know, just maybe, what he gets in return is the feeling of satisfaction at being able to treat his younger brother to things he will really really like and would not normally be able to afford? If he’s happy to do that then it really is none of your business.

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