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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be RAGING at my BF's selfish brother - Christmas completely ruined because of him.

351 replies

SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 17:49

For context: Last year my BF got the following for his brother for Christmas:

A nice jumper from River Island
One of those red letter experience thingies (that he didn't even end up using!)
Aftershave
Bottle of champagne
and something else that I can't remember but it was nice.

This is what we got back:

Roses chocolate (a small box)

I don't even fucking like Roses apart form the strawberry ones. I told BF after that we are not going to buy anything for his brother anymore because he is just ungrateful and we don't get the same level of presents back. He said okay. But little did I know...

Cut to this year. Without my knowledge he bought his brother:

An Amazon Echo spot
A personalised license plate
Some Game of Thrones stuff (not the DVDs but I didn't quite see what it was exactly)
A really nice scarf (that I actually said I liked myself when we were out shopping a couple of weeks ago)
A dash cam for his car.

He came round today and we swapped presents and surprise sur-fucking-prise, what do we get? Another box of Roses. I didn't even bother to say thank you (YES, I know that part was a bit rude but I felt like I shouldn't have to pretend to be pleased and grateful when I was fuming) and after he left I chucked them straight in the bin and my BF shouted at me and told me I was really rude and ungrateful - which is LAUGHABLE considering his brother is the ungrateful one. He said it was nothing to do with me but I said that we are a couple and if he is being taken advantage of then so am I. On top of the shit, meaningless and thoughtless last-minute present he got us he then asked my BF if he could borrow some money off him to go out later tonight. AND MY BF GAVE £80 TO HIM. W. T. F?

We got into an argument about it and he has now stormed out (probably to borrow his brother more money, no doubt) even though we were supposed to be staying in tonight and chill out. I haven't phoned him to ask where he is even though I want to but he probably will shout at me more or just not answer. I made a thread about this before and was told IWBU but if all the above happened to you would you not think BFs brother was taking the absolute piss out of us? BF can't see it, I keep asking him why he just can't see what he's like but he just won't listen/refuses to believe it. I feel like Christmas has been completely ruined now because of him when yesterday was so nice but that part won't be remembered because of today's antics. Would IBU to say to BF when he gets back that his brother is absolutely not getting anything from us for next Christmas (or just chcolcates like he gets us) and nothing for his birthday either until he learns to put thought and care into presents like my BF does his and there will be NO exception to this next year? He is an absolute walkover I think

OP posts:
Figgygal · 27/12/2018 07:25

You're argument is right but have gone about it all wrong. The brother is inconsiderate and your bf is crackers to buy him that much in the first place but it's up to him and your reasonable (in the circumstances) argument has been lost in your unreasonable behaviour.

NameChange457 · 27/12/2018 07:26

Whoops posted too soon.

Knowing that’s what he can expect in return, what your bf spends on his db is basically up to him. I’d be annoyed if he can’t afford it and is running up debt to treat his db, or if he’s always really tight towards you/ doesn’t pay his share in your relationship or something similar, but these are all possible problems with your bf and if so you need to address the actual problem with your bf. There’s still nothing wrong with what his db did.

CountessVonBoobs · 27/12/2018 07:26

Oh, it's you again. You're still ridiculously melodramatic and abusive and controlling, it's still not your business, and there's still two separate words for "lend" and "borrow".

Doobee · 27/12/2018 07:27

Ok. There’s a lot going on here OP. Firstly, you’re not really getting the relationship. It’s never going to be equal and that’s ok. I’m an older sibling and my contribution to presents/money lent is 90% (estimate over the years) where his “amount of effort” is 10%. I have much more income than him so it’s ok. However, since I’ve got married, I’ve knocked a lot of the “treating my sibling” on the head because finances are joint. It’s still me giving more than receiving but it’s not so vast (the difference). If I wasn’t married and just dating, which you are, and my BF tried telling me what I could and couldn’t spend on my family I’d be really annoyed. Then if my BF had a tantrum about it!! Wow, you’d be dumped. I get that you are annoyed because you see him being used/abused but this is not the way to go about it and he’s going to end up dumping you because of your behaviour. Why don’t you just talk about it? Why are you getting so furious over this? You are abusing your bf with this behaviour. Do you see that? and that’s not fair on him. You are only dating. Not married. Your input into how he spends his money is surely different than if your assets were joint. That said, you’re entitled to feel concerned and have an opinion just not shout down the bloody house about it! You’ve made it about you rather than being concerned about him. Your reaction is weird. If it was me, I’d be worried that a) my bf wasn’t getting into debt by spending loads on his brother and b) would that behaviour carry on if we got married and our assets were joint. But I’d talk to my BF about it not scream at him and I’d certainly talk to him about it while munching on the roses. Waste of good choc throwing those away!

jamdonutt · 27/12/2018 07:28

I can't believe he spends £500 on his brother at xmas (depending on style of number plate it could even be over £1000). Does he spend this on you and his other family?

Bubba1234 · 27/12/2018 07:36

These types of situations you just have to bite your tongue. Your bf gets all those gifts for his bro out of kindness knowing he won’t get the same in return but it dsnt bother him so you should just let it be.
I’m astounded by the way grown adults go on on mumsnet over presents tbh.

londonrach · 27/12/2018 07:44

This isnt your problem unless shared money. Back off amd grow up. You sound very young and controlling. If reversemn would be telling you leave you. You ruined your xmas no one else. Yabu

Crusoe · 27/12/2018 07:45

OP, you don’t give to receive. Simple.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 27/12/2018 07:46

OP, you really need to take on board what everyone has said. A normal reaction would be to say to your BF 'I think your DB is taking the piss given how generous you are with him each year' and then LEAVE IT. Stop saying 'we' - YOU don't buy his DB anything so your BF is free to spend his money as he likes - he doesn't have to run his purchases past you! You are WAY over the line to have a go at your BF and throw his present in the bin. Honestly. You have an almost universal YABU, take it on board.

Ohheyyy · 27/12/2018 08:00

YABVU.

ChristmasFluff · 27/12/2018 08:20

Dear OP,

My brother (now dead) used to go out to the market on Xmas eve and come back with whatever tat he could cheaply find before the pubs opened. In different years I've had socks with toes, a Fugees CD (I'm not a fan), a plate with Bob the Builder on it (no children at the time, and I don't collect plates), a jumper that was way too big (but fit him), a box of crackers - you get the picture. It wasn't just me, we all got similar.

But we all still bought him stuff we knew he would love - because we loved him. We didn't care about the mad stuff he bought back - he had problems (addiction), and we were just glad to see him.

Not one of my three long-term partners ever made a fuss about the 'gift imbalance'. They 'got' it - it's about family and love, not reciprocation - and for your relationship to survive you need to get it too. Sometimes adults will behave in a way others see as 'being taken advantage of' - but that is their choice. A more appropriate way to react would be to calmly say, 'it hurts me to see you being taken advantage of, because I love you.' That explains how you feel, without the controlling aspect of 'and you need to stop doing it'. It also allows your partner to explain why he does what he does - although he doesn't have to explain himself, because it is his money, his family, and his choice.

mummmy2017 · 27/12/2018 08:38

Again...
How much do you spend on your other half?
+how much does he spend on you.

WhatsUpHun · 27/12/2018 08:52

The presents to my bf’s brother were joint presents from us both
How much of your money did you put in?

and I didnt “ungraciously” throw anything in the bin is there another way to throw a gift from someone into the bin?

LynetteScavo · 27/12/2018 08:54

YABU

You've ruined your own Christmas by behaving like a spiked child. Even my 13yo DD wouldn't behave as badly as this.

Christmas is not about what you get back. It's about giving to those you love. Your BF obviously loves his brother very much. I'm wondering if your actually jealous of the brother, because, surely, no adult could get so worked up about a box of chocolates.

CountessVonBoobs · 27/12/2018 09:03

Oh, the OP is absolutely jealous of the brother. Every one of the numerous threads she's started on this issue over time feature her RAGING basically because her boyfriend has spent money on his brother instead of giving it to HER HER HER, and every one of the threads feature her acting in horrendously controlling and awful ways to her boyfriend.

I'd advise everyone to save their breath on good advice - it's all been given before and fell on completely deaf ears. We'll just have to hope her BF finds his way to some domestic abuse online resources in his own time.

SillySallySingsSongs · 27/12/2018 09:09

The presents to my bf’s brother were joint presents from us both and I didnt “ungraciously” throw anything in the bin

So as you don't have joint finances, how muxh did you contribute?

There isn't any other way but 'ungraciously' throwing a gift away.

Helplessfeeling · 27/12/2018 09:27

If you had spent loads on someone and they gave you something that cost £2 on you you’d be pretty miffed too when you had spent hundreds of pounds.

It happened to me last year actually, spent loads on someone close and got nothing back at all. I did not react as I did not want to cause a scene or any sort of embarrassment to person involved. Christmas is not supposed to be about getting as many expensive presents as you can from people. The way you reacted was like a small child, having a tantrum. I think you need to spend the next year re-thinking your perception of gift giving. You seem to have learned nothing since this came up last year.

NOTthepinkranger · 27/12/2018 09:27

If this is true you’re vile and controlling OP I imagine you won’t be spending a 3rd Christmas with your BF so I wouldn’t worry to much you won’t be getting roses next year

villamariavintrapp · 27/12/2018 09:43

Perhaps their relationship is deeper than comparing the price of Christmas gifts? Maybe his brother gives him time? Support? And your partner wants to do something nice for him in return. I don’t think you get to judge whether it’s an inequal relationship based on gift costs.

SoyDora · 27/12/2018 09:49

Do you think your BF’s brother should have spent money he doesn’t have (got into debt?) to match your BF’s gifts? Gifts your BF chose to give?

loveka · 27/12/2018 09:52

Why is it nothing to do with the OP?

Some double standards here. She lives with her partner. If she were married, would it be something to do with her?

I think it is absolutely her business. Can her partner really afford this extravagance? Why does he spend SO much?

NOTthepinkranger · 27/12/2018 09:53

Loveka for a start the OP is a Male...

Secondly not joint money therefor not their business and thirdly they’re not married.

Helplessfeeling · 27/12/2018 09:59

Can her partner really afford this extravagance? Why does he spend SO much?

Maybe those are issues the OP needs to rationally discuss with his DP, not blame the DBro for how much gets spent on him.

SoyDora · 27/12/2018 10:03

Can her partner really afford this extravagance? Why does he spend SO much?

If he can’t, it’s not the brothers fault is it? Unless he is demanding these expensive gifts.

steff13 · 27/12/2018 10:13

Some double standards here. She lives with her partner. If she were married, would it be something to do with her?

Not if their finances weren't shared, IMO. Although, you could make the argument that bring married makes everything shared. But they're not married, so that is a moot point.

Also, I believe the OP is a he, not a she.

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