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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be RAGING at my BF's selfish brother - Christmas completely ruined because of him.

351 replies

SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 26/12/2018 17:49

For context: Last year my BF got the following for his brother for Christmas:

A nice jumper from River Island
One of those red letter experience thingies (that he didn't even end up using!)
Aftershave
Bottle of champagne
and something else that I can't remember but it was nice.

This is what we got back:

Roses chocolate (a small box)

I don't even fucking like Roses apart form the strawberry ones. I told BF after that we are not going to buy anything for his brother anymore because he is just ungrateful and we don't get the same level of presents back. He said okay. But little did I know...

Cut to this year. Without my knowledge he bought his brother:

An Amazon Echo spot
A personalised license plate
Some Game of Thrones stuff (not the DVDs but I didn't quite see what it was exactly)
A really nice scarf (that I actually said I liked myself when we were out shopping a couple of weeks ago)
A dash cam for his car.

He came round today and we swapped presents and surprise sur-fucking-prise, what do we get? Another box of Roses. I didn't even bother to say thank you (YES, I know that part was a bit rude but I felt like I shouldn't have to pretend to be pleased and grateful when I was fuming) and after he left I chucked them straight in the bin and my BF shouted at me and told me I was really rude and ungrateful - which is LAUGHABLE considering his brother is the ungrateful one. He said it was nothing to do with me but I said that we are a couple and if he is being taken advantage of then so am I. On top of the shit, meaningless and thoughtless last-minute present he got us he then asked my BF if he could borrow some money off him to go out later tonight. AND MY BF GAVE £80 TO HIM. W. T. F?

We got into an argument about it and he has now stormed out (probably to borrow his brother more money, no doubt) even though we were supposed to be staying in tonight and chill out. I haven't phoned him to ask where he is even though I want to but he probably will shout at me more or just not answer. I made a thread about this before and was told IWBU but if all the above happened to you would you not think BFs brother was taking the absolute piss out of us? BF can't see it, I keep asking him why he just can't see what he's like but he just won't listen/refuses to believe it. I feel like Christmas has been completely ruined now because of him when yesterday was so nice but that part won't be remembered because of today's antics. Would IBU to say to BF when he gets back that his brother is absolutely not getting anything from us for next Christmas (or just chcolcates like he gets us) and nothing for his birthday either until he learns to put thought and care into presents like my BF does his and there will be NO exception to this next year? He is an absolute walkover I think

OP posts:
pepperjack · 26/12/2018 23:38

Does it really really matter that he got you nothing for Christmas. Really ?

mummmy2017 · 26/12/2018 23:39

Can I ask this?
How much do you spend on BF?
How much does he spend on you?

Cornishclio · 27/12/2018 00:13

If you don't share finances and your BF is not bothered then I can't see why you are so upset as it is your BFs money. If he wants to spend on DB then that is up to him. Throwing a strop about it just makes you out to be materialistic and controlling. If his DB is in a bad place financially and your BF wants to help then you can't do much about it. If your BF however can't pay bills or asks to borrow from you because he overspent on DB that is another matter.

wavesmax · 27/12/2018 00:24

I can see exactly where you are coming from. You feel like this because you care about your partner, you are looking out for him and trying to protect him.

Would he do the same if this situation was reverses?

To me this is what you do in a relationship, look out for each other.

I hope he is as generous with you as he is his brother. Unfortunately and this is from experience, your partner will have to learn the hard way you can't really help when people are so deluded especially by family. This won't go on forever it will all hit the fan one day, you will just wonder why it took so bloody long.

ID81241 · 27/12/2018 00:27

How much did you spend on your boyfriend's brother OP? Because from what I gather for two years running you haven't spent a penny of your own money on him. Yet his brother continues to give a gift to you... Which you ungraciuosly threw in the bin. From my understanding, you're the cheapskate in this situation. Or am I missing something?

Original poster
SeenYourFaceAThousandTimes · 27/12/2018 01:33

wavesmax

THANK YOU! This is exactly what I mean. I do care about him and hate him being taken advantage of. I feel like I am taking care of him yet others say controllinf. And abuse Hmm Agree it will all hit the fan one day and will probably be in my face.

ID81241 Stop being deliberately goady. The presents to my bf’s brother were joint presents from us both and I didnt “ungraciously” throw anything in the bin, it was a (maybe not) justified reaction to a horrible surprise when we got the present. If you had spent loads on someone and they gave you something that cost £2 on you you’d be pretty miffed too when you had spent hundreds of pounds. You are missing a lot, yet I suspect you knew that already

OP posts:
SuchAToDo · 27/12/2018 01:49

Why does it matter to you what your bf buys his brother?..girlfriends come and go but his brother is going to be there for life..

You don't know his brothers finances, on the surface it may appear he has no debt but behind closed doors he may not have alot of money to spare, so should he spend what money he has on you and bf and then go without for next couple of weeks or should he be sensible, stay within his budget and buy what he can afford?

Also gift giving isn't a competition, each person buys what THEY want to spend, they don't have to spend the same value in each other.

If your bf is happy to buy for his brother then what has it got to do with you...keep pushing him about it and he will choose his brother and you will be seeing the new year in single

Astella22 · 27/12/2018 01:50

Since your BF got the same last year and yet still made the CHOICE to spend big again for his DB this year I can’t see how you can possibly keep saying he is being taken advantage of. Clearly his DB is broke if he borrowed £80 for a night out. You should have a heart at Xmas. I can only imagine your reaction if his DB rocked up with no present - imagine the horror OP, or if you had an actual real problem with his DB. You should honestly gown up.

Cherries101 · 27/12/2018 01:51

He’s 23 and I’m assuming your DP is the big brother and enjoys spoiling him. I spoil my similarly aged db like this too with no expectation of a similarly thoughtful gift — this xmas I gave him an expensive holiday, and he gave me a Le Crueset butter dish worth about £20. If my DH reacted like you did I would have divorced him. You need to take a step back, learn to control your temper, and realise there are decades of family dynamics you don’t understand. Keep up what you’re doing and you will never be more than his gf.

SoyDora · 27/12/2018 06:09

I do care about him and hate him being taken advantage of

So your BF’s brother asked for the presents then? If not, how on Earth is your BF being taken advantage of? He exercised his own choice and free will in buying the gifts. He knows his brother doesn’t have the sort of money needed to reciprocate. His brother should not be railroaded into spending money he hasn’t got on expensive gifts, just because his brother chose to buy him expensive gifts.
You’re not getting it.

AgentProvocateur · 27/12/2018 06:17

I can’t understand why your partner is still with you. You sound like a nasty, controlling insecure man. He should have dumped you after the phone incident.

SD1978 · 27/12/2018 06:20

How is he being taken advantage of though? HE chose the gifts, and does so every year. HE chose to give his brother money, knowing it won't be given back. He is making choices you disagree with. That's not being taken advantage of. If it doesn't affect your house running because the finances are seperate- back off or walk away. Because I can guarantee you that's what he'll do if you keep sniping about his family.

Myglassesareknackered · 27/12/2018 06:20

Hang on, OP. The presents to your BIL were presents from you both, but your partner bought them with his own money?
So I’d say you were a box of Roses up.

HoppingPavlova · 27/12/2018 06:44

Why does it matter to you what your bf buys his brother?..girlfriends come and go but his brother is going to be there for life..

This.
If your partner has any sense he will solve the problem by ditching you before next Xmas. You sound vile and very immature.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 27/12/2018 06:49

You get RAGING quite a lot, don't you OP?

loveka · 27/12/2018 07:04

People are being horrible to you. I would be upset too.

The brother doesn't even try to buy something thoughtful that shows he cares. He knows he is going to get thoughtful (and expensive) presents and doesn't reciprocate in any way whatsoever.

Your boyfriend has spent what, £500 on lovely stuff. Unless he is a very high earner then that is a lot of money.

I think you need to discuss this calmly though, not in the moment when you are feeling so angry. Is there some back story with their relationship?

I sympathise with you a lot. It may be the thought that counts, but the brother puts no thought at all into what he gives.

Deadbudgie · 27/12/2018 07:07

Wtaf have I just read? Surely this can’t actually be real. If it is, I hope your BF bought the presents for his brother to piss you off and teach you a lesson. It is none of your business what your boyfriend buys his brother with his own money!

The world does not revolve around you, you seemed particularly pissed off about the scarf you liked, do you think your bf is spending money on his brother he should be spending on you??

My advice to you is stop being such a self centred jealous assed controlling drama queen!

My advice to your boyfriend is run, run fast and don’t look back.

Gina2012 · 27/12/2018 07:16

But if I'm BU then fine,

You are. Unreasonable. Very

I just don't see it in this case. I don't see how anyone could be happy if they were in this situation.

Thing is - none of your money was used to buy the brother his gifts.

Therefore it's none of your business

It does seem odd that your partner spends SO much money on his brother and the brother doesn't come close to matching it (every single time) but that is how it is and it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS BECAUSE NONE OF YOUR MONEY IS BEING USED

Which part of this don't you understand?

Gina2012 · 27/12/2018 07:18

do you think your bf is spending money on his brother he should be spending on you??

This is true imo

My advice to you is stop being such a self centred jealous assed controlling drama queen!

Also this

differentnameforthis · 27/12/2018 07:19

Yes, YABU. Up to your bf what he buys his brother, and I assume he knows his brother doesn't gift back equally, so that his look out.

steff13 · 27/12/2018 07:19

If you had spent loads on someone and they gave you something that cost £2 on you you’d be pretty miffed too when you had spent hundreds of pounds.

YOU didn't spend anything. So even by your own logic, you don't have any right to be "miffed." It doesn't seem like your boyfriend, who did spend the money, isn't upset. He's a grown man, he doesn't need you to fight his battles.

And, no, I give gifts because I enjoy it. I wouldn't care if I got nothing back.

NameChange457 · 27/12/2018 07:20

There’s nothing wrong with what the db did. Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming that your bf and his db had a discussion and both agreed to spend hundreds of pounds on each other and the db reneged on this agreement, db has done exactly what I would have predicted he do i.e. exactly the same as last year.

  • to suggest it’s a “horrible surprise” is
santakiss · 27/12/2018 07:20

I think that's an obscene amount to be spending on his brother. He is stupid and wasteful. However,. you have no right to be annoyed as it is nothing to do with you. He is not being taken advantage of he is choosing to do it despite all the history and fights with you about it so he obviously loves his brother very much or feels some sort of guilt towards him. I remember your last post and I honestly think you should break up with him. He is not going to change and you seem to want to control him. This will cause more arguements when you do share finances/ have DC and he is never going to pick you over his brother.

MaverickSnoopy · 27/12/2018 07:21

You said in an earlier post that he should be buying the same level of presents. Then in a later post than he has a rubbish job but that with some thought he could buy something that's better than the chocolates. Which is it?

It does sound like your bf buys him a lot. Why is that? Is it because his brother can't afford much and is helping him out, or just because he wants to. Either is an acceptable reason.

I think that your bf buys a lot but if by his own standards it's the right amount then that's that. Personally I'd still think it was a lot even if his brother was buying gifts of the same value in return. Seems like a lot of money to spend on presents to me, but that's based on my circumstances and your bf feels differently in his circumstances. Personally I think a £2 box of chocolates is fine. What's the brothers financial situation like? If it's not dire then maybe he could afford more, or maybe not, but that's his choice to make, just like it's your bfs choice to give the gifts he wants to.

What you need to understand is that you don't give to receive. The gift giver decides the value.

Dogsmellssobadbob · 27/12/2018 07:23

OP
You won’t accept it but I’ll say it anyway

You are materialistic, rude, childish and controlling
Your BF is a kind soul and deserves better than you

HTH