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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adults who won't drive

452 replies

Homethroughthepuddles · 26/12/2018 11:55

I'm not talking about those who have health difficulties or can't afford a car. Just those who can't be bothered to learn, or who learn but can't be bothered to sit their test.

I'm once again spending Christmas having to do all the ferrying around and staying off the wine, while my sister, who has learnt to drive and even bought a car but has refused to sit her test, has been chauffeured around and been able to drink as much as she likes.

With my mother getting older and more reliant on lifts it's very annoying.

OP posts:
ScreamingBadSanta · 26/12/2018 13:40

They never understand cars cost money and not just a little bit.

More generalisations! I finance our household car in its entirety because I'm significantly the higher earner. I bought it in the first instance; I pay for the petrol, services, any repairs, the AA cover, tyres, my husband's insurance and even a 'speed awareness' course he had to go on when he'd been speeding. No road tax as it's a low-emission car, but I used to pay that too before we got the present car.

I fully understand the costs of a car, I just can't drive one!

Frosty66611 · 26/12/2018 13:43

I also don’t drive (failed my test 5 times so gave up as it was costing me a fortune and I suffer with really bad anxiety when driving).
I’m quite happy just walking places or getting a bus/train. My sister seems to have a massive issue with the fact I don’t drive (always making digs about it) but I never ask her to take me anywhere so I don’t know why it irks her so much.

Norma27 · 26/12/2018 13:45

I had my mum and brother over for Christmas yesterday. I said from the start I was happy to collect them but I wanted a few drinks once home so they would need to get a taxi back. They were fine with this and were happy to get to spend the day with us.

SilverApples · 26/12/2018 13:47

Lydia, this topic airs almost as often as wheelchairs and buggies on buses. Women martyring themselves, then decreeing a whole section of the community as lazy, can’t be bothered or parasitic on the goodwill of the selfless driver.
It’s tedious. Just tell them no and explain why. BUt then you lose all the martyr points and admiration and gratitude that goes with being self sacrificing.

slappinthebass · 26/12/2018 13:47

I'm 32 and can't drive. I'm really embarrassed by this but terrified. I have poor attention span/spatial awareness/coordination/slow auditory processing so I just know I would struggle massively to learn. I booked driving lessons 10 years ago, and then someone I was seeing casually drove through a red light when they weren't concentrating and killed someone. I already had driving anxiety at this point but this pushed me over the edge and I've been terrified me on the road will result in casualties of others. I've been commuting by bike to work for about a year now which has given me a lot more road confidence, and change in family circumstances mean I'm finally booking lessons in the new year, although I'm not convinced I'll ever make enough progress to pass a test.

I almost never ask others for lifts though.

Seafoodeatit · 26/12/2018 13:48

There's nothing to say that she would be any more helpful even if she did hold a license, after all you can take people places in taxis too. Your sister getting lifts and your mum getting lifts are two separate things and need treating as such.

I'm currently learning to drive, it's taking me longer than it probably would take most so it's costing me a lot of money, I don't explain to people why I don't drive as my circumstances are not really any of anyone's business but I do get sick of the snide comments from some parents on the school run when we're waiting for the bus.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 26/12/2018 13:49

yabu, no one forces you to drive anyone anywhere, you cant grumble when you choose give lifts.

KimchiLaLa · 26/12/2018 13:50

This thread comes up every 6 months and tbh it always annoys me. If you can drive and you need to, take your test! My sympathies OP. Your sister seems to be very selfish.

BumDisease · 26/12/2018 13:51

"Non drivers who say they never ask or expect a lift maybe don't realise a lot of offers of a lift are because the driver feels they should offer as otherwise the person will be getting 3 buses and a train and they're sat there with a car in the drive.
Just because you don't ask doesn't mean you're not a burden"

So, what you're saying is, people who can't/don't drive can't win? If you ask for a lift you're a burden, if you DON'T ask for a lift... you're a burden?

Billben · 26/12/2018 13:52

Do you know what do i find annoying? People who play the martyr because they haven’t got a backbone to say no.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/12/2018 13:54

Don't be embarrassed slap

I only learnt 4 years ago.

It really is strange how it always worries people who have nothing to do with you than yourself. It's almost as if those who drive cabt fathom that it can be easier cheaper and less stress getting a bus.

I had to listen to everyone go on about how much easier it woukd be and how much time it woukd save.

Except I'm leaving no.later nor arriving any sooner than when using buses.

I'm stick.in the same traffic I would he on the bus except it's burning my petrol not the buses.

I have to.keave earlier to ensure a space

I have to worry about how long I take cos the parking runs out.

I was fine on buses. Inconvenient sometimes but then so are cars.

It's really not the be all and end all

BWatchWatcher · 26/12/2018 13:55

The world would be better if fewer people drove and more took public transport so yes YABU.
You can say ‘No’.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2018 13:56

Wow the hate towards non car drivers is disgusting. Just because we don'T have a car does not mean we don't know the costs of running a car. Just because we don't drive, does not mean we lack a brain ffs!

Rayn · 26/12/2018 13:58

I drive. Confident to drive anywhere but in some ways wish I didn't as it might make me walk more. So easy to jump in the car and make excuses bad weather etc.
Think what people are forgetting is that owning a car is expensive so not everyone can afford it!!

aidelmaidel · 26/12/2018 13:59

personally I hate driving, and I get taxis; when the amount I spend on taxis exceeds what it would cost to own, insure, maintain, and fuel a car, I'll reconsider.

jessstan2 · 26/12/2018 14:00

You don't have to chauffeur your family around you know. They can use taxis if public transport isn't too great. Your choice!

SnuggyBuggy · 26/12/2018 14:03

Definitely what SilverApples said

ApolloTenne · 26/12/2018 14:06

The equation of adult who doesn’t drive with being a person who takes advantage of others is foolish.

So true! I don't drive, but I most certainly do not take advantage of others. I've also travelled to over 45 countries in my lifetime so clearly not 'immature'.

Something I actually find really annoying about some people I know who drive, is them asking me if I want a lift, me saying "no thanks, I prefer to walk", and them actually getting offended that I have chosen to use my own legs than get in their car? I always tell people I prefer to walk but it sometimes seems to bother people that I have turned down their offer. Bizarre.

CharltonLido73 · 26/12/2018 14:06

I have a couple of friends whose husbands don't drive (never bothered to learn).
I feel sorry for them as they always have to do all the driving; it can never be shared. Going on holiday or to visit family up north is a real pain for one of the women. The husbands concerned are just too lazy to have bothered to learn.

FrankieChips · 26/12/2018 14:09

I’ve hadn’t several lessons and had a really traumatic lesson where a huge lorry almost drove into me on a roundabout (although it might have been my driving. The instructor said it wasn’t) which put me off for good. I’m a very nervous passenger too. I always feel guilty about not being able to drive and help my sister out when I’m home. She is the only one who can drive in our family now as my Dad has passed away and my mum isn’t allowed to anymore.

Are you sure she can’t be bothered or it’s more of her not having the confidence?

Ellalovescake · 26/12/2018 14:09

I have dyspraxia (and recently diagnosed as bipolar) and it took me over 2 years of weekly lessons to pass my test when I was in my early twenties. I also hated driving to begin with and it made me so nervous all the time so I understand people who say they are too scared to drive. However, I persisted with it and developed more confidence behind the wheel and now drive everywhere very happily. I do feel that it does open your life up more and also it does make you more of an equal partner in a relationship. My only issue with non-drivers is that they often don’t appreciate how much running a car actually costs and quite often the petrol money they do give doesn’t actually cover the distance that you’ve driven them!

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 26/12/2018 14:13

I don't drive.

I've tried many times over the years, both manual and automatic and i've come.to the conclusion I just don't have the concentration or co ordination skills........personally I think a if a lot more people made that realisation the roads would be a lot safer. Some people just aren't good at it.

It's a pain in the arse and limits my life massively but it is what it is. If I can't even get to.test standard after 2 years of lessons there really isnt a great deal I can do about it.

Pernickity1 · 26/12/2018 14:13

YANBU OP. Adults who don’t bother learning to drive really irk me. Then again I’m from a country with a shockingly bad public transport system so learning to drive really is a necessity. There are still people I know who don’t bother though and they have no qualms in inconveniencing those around them for lifts here, there and everywhere.

Depends where you live I suppose as in some UK cities there’s really no need for a car if the public transport is good, in which case they should bloody well use it and not expect lifts!

MeadowHay · 26/12/2018 14:14

I don't understand OP, do these people ask for lifts, or do you offer? If you offer, and you don't want to do it, don't offer, or at least offer less. If they ask, and you don't want to, say no, or say no sometimes at least. Having said that, I think sometimes people find driving extremely stressful and anxiety-provoking, could that be the case for your sister? I think a lot of people feel that way but don't want to admit it for fear of looking silly and I think that's one of the reasons some people do not learn to drive. I'm sympathetic to that, but I still don't think that makes it your responsibility to drive them about all the time. People are capable of taking public transport, or taxis. DH and I are both mid-twenties and neither of us can drive. He is currently learning although it has been a bit stop-start for various reasons, one of those being he had some two crap instructors in a row and failed a test and it made him start to become so anxious about driving that he couldn't bring himself to find a new instructor etc and it took a good few months and then a good few lessons with a new instructor till he went back to enjoying it. He has his 2nd test booked for a few weeks time so fingers crossed he will pass and if he does then we will finally be getting a car. We have had lots of generous lifts from friends and family members over the years but hopefully we can reciprocate once we have a car, but we never ever ask anyone for a lift anywhere. We sometimes accept when offered but even then only if it's not much of an extra journey for the person offering - we have a few overly-kind family members who have offered us lifts home when they live in a completely different town in the opposite direction etc and we obviously do not accept. We have spent an absolute FORTUNE on taxis over the years, that we can't really afford, including over Xmas days where we were paying like double fares to go and see family but it was important us to go to family things so we just had to suck it up. I am on a waiting list for driving lessons too now though I am going to try and learn automatic and I am autistic so I may not even manage that.

BlueBinDay · 26/12/2018 14:18

Worse that that is those who can drive, but only on local roads they know. So they won’t go on motorways or anywhere that they don’t know how to get to. So ridiculous

This is me. I've driven for 40 years and done my fair share of long distance motorway driving, taking the children to see grandparents, either on my own or sharing driving with my husband. It's always made me tense, I'm always very aware of the road, but I find the concentration draining. Since the advent of regularly seeing drivers on their phones texting, and a massive increase in traffic, I'd just rather stay off motorways unless it's an absolute emergency.
There were always aggressive drivers around but now there are more of them - and with more technology to fiddle around with while they're driving. As for not going places that I don't know how to get there, that doesn't bother me so long as it's less than half an hour and doesn't involve motorways.

I just don't like driving. I have never asked anyone for a lift, not ever, but I've had family and in-laws complain because I visit them by train - which means if we go anywhere while I'm there we have to share taxis. They've commented that if I drove there in the first place we could all avoid taxi fares. The probably think I'm a lazy cow then.