Adults who won't drive

[Homethroughthepuddles]

I'm not talking about those who have health difficulties or can't afford a car. Just those who can't be bothered to learn, or who learn but can't be bothered to sit their test.

I'm once again spending Christmas having to do all the ferrying around and staying off the wine, while my sister, who has learnt to drive and even bought a car but has refused to sit her test, has been chauffeured around and been able to drink as much as she likes.

With my mother getting older and more reliant on lifts it's very annoying.

Non drivers are happy to be independent and sort their transport on a personal level out but they rarely say; let’s go to x,y,s and I’ll pay/ organise for you all to attend

That would be a bit odd. Why would anybody do that?

Whereas drivers will end up doing just that. pick you up ( so need to navigate), find somewhere to park, make sure they have enough fuel etc .Being given money for petrol doesn’t cover the effort

I don't know anybody who would do that, either. If I arrange to go out for a drink or three with friends we all get there under our own steam.
Or if it's a not an alcohol related event then, if I proffer an invitation to someone, to something I particularly want to attend, and I know they have no transport, then I'll offer to pick them up. Naturally. It's my gig and I want them to come with me so I'll make it easy for them to say yes.

This thread is pretty unreasonable! I don't drive. And I'm unlikely to ever drive as it gives me horrible anxiety attacks. (I've taken three tests.)

However, I bike to work everyday and go mountain biking in all weathers. Maybe I should start a thread where we can talk about about how anyone who doesn't ride a bike is unattractive, pathetic, a selfish idiot, etc etc.

bluevelvet

You say it's always left to the drivers to organise trips, but this is a generalisation. It might be true of the non-drivers you know - but this thread is full of people ascribing the CF behaviour of their own non-driving acquaintances, to all non-drivers everywhere; and this is what the non-drivers are frustrated about.

No one is denying that there are some non-drivers who are CFs, but please don't apply the same generalisations to all of us.

My ex never learnt to drive and it was a pita. I don't mind giving people lifts if it's not too far out of my way but living with a non driver (especially one who chose that) is a nuisance. Everything that is not a walk to the corner shop is the driver's responsibility, any social gathering they have to stick to soft drinks, remember what time the parking runs out etc. I would never date a non driver again

Everyone starting this threads and ranting in real life always pays lip service to the "but of course not people who can't drive for medical reasons" but I find the reality is quite different...

The lack of being able to drive doesn't grate half as much as the amount of judgment I get from drivers who think they are better placed than my consultant and the DVLA to decide whether or not I can drive. Plus expecting me to give my entire medical history as they absolutely have to know exactly why I can't drive.

So consequently I often just say I can't. People are probably writing me off as lazy and entitled, but at least that's quicker!

I think some people are being unreasonable. I drive , I love driving for me it's about independence and I'm happy to give someone a lift if it's not putting me out ie going same way or as a favour. It took me a while to learn so I wouldn't be annoyed with a non driver cause it's not that easy for everyone , it's expensive and time consuming and it's also a lot more difficult than say 20 years ago to pass . I would maybe be a bit annoyed if someone has passed but doesn't drive for no reason whatsoever as I couldn't understand that . I know a few non drivers who would love to drive but don't because of the reasons mentioned and I think a lot of the time they hate relying on others for a lift I know I do if I don't have my car .

Ethel36 I know what you mean. Its annoying being automatically relied upon for lifts. But it's okay to say, " no thanks I drove everyone last Xmas and I couldn't drink, so I'm not driving this Christmas." And drink a few glasses that morning to nip any lift requests in the bud!

But why should drivers need to have an excuse or reason beyond "I don't want to"? But of course that comes across as rude and paints the driver as the bad guy - see all the comments about how it's just one lift once a year, and that would of course theoretically give lifts all day, every day...

All this pretence just to back up the fact you "would love to but can't because [suitable reason]" chauffeur someone around? Maybe the driver just doesn't want to leave the house, CBA to put shoes on, can't find their glasses - whatever.

(In fact they could be stone cold sober, sat there with their string-backed driving gloves on and the car ready to go and STILL be able to not offer or feel obliged in the slightest. And not need to apologise for the fact either!)

Car drivers will also take taxis, buses and trains if necessary - hardly any car drivers I know have the slightest clue about public transport - buses and trains - or completely turn their noses up at it like it's for peasants.

Oh, I know all about our local public transport, believe me. To drive to work is 35 minutes; by public transport it is around two hours, at least one change and stops at 7pm. When my car is out of action, I have to change the office I work at and restrict my hours, as well as having to take a taxi back to the bus station as I have arthritis and it is up a steep hill. That office is close to my nearest train station. A taxi home would be over £20 so £40+ per day.

I leaned to drive abroad at the age of 15 and passed my test in the UK at the third time of trying around 20; I am dyspraxic. It's not simply the freedom of movement and the ability to get places (and previously to get to my elderly parents 250 miles away at any time of the day or night), but the ability to drive any car in the event of emergency, even if I don't have my own. To fly to a friend's funeral and pick up a hire car at the airport, etc. It has also opened more jobs to me as many demand the ability to drive, rather than being restricted to working in a large city (🤮).

I dont drive. I was almost killed in a major car crash at 17. It has scarred me for life. I have tried driving lessons but I then suffer from flashbacks and have panic attacks. Not good behind the wheel of a car.

I passed my test at 17 but haven't driven properly since I had a psychotic breakdown following the "interesting" arrival of my eldest dc almost 4 years.

The amount of "you need to drive for the children" I've had, including from my father on his death bed...totally ignoring the panic attacks and the fact that last time I tried, I ended up shaking with a racing heart for a good 4 hours is apparently irrelevant. As is the fact that I actively decline lifts from everyone and can manage 2 small children absolutely fine on public transport.

Share a taxi with your dm Op. By the sound of your sister, even if she passes her test by next Christmas, she won't be driving to parties.

I have also never - as a driver or a pedestrian of 20+ years - witnessed or heard of anyone outside MN get offended if they didn't want to give or receive a lift.

Smells like exaggerated faux-justification to me.

I'm an intelligent woman, with two degrees, but I'm sorry to say that the whole driving thing never happened for me.
I did try! I took my test 8 times, but failed each one, all for very trivial things.
In the end my confidence was shot with it, and I never really enjoyed driving anyway.
I wish I had passed, but it's one of those things. And I'm pretty sure that I have dyspraxia anyway, which may go some way towards explaining it.
So although I do completely understand your point OP, and your frustration, sometimes people have their reasons.

All these people expecting lifts, who can drive perfectly well yet decide they are not going to drive on motorways or beyond 1 mile radius of their own home . It's ridiculous. How do you think most of us have learnt to be confident and able to drive anywhere? It is by doing it over and over again until we become confident

On the contrary. It's often experience drivers, people who've been driving for many years
who prefer to stay off motorways. We are seeing the roads being taken over by hoards of ahem 'confident' drivers, so confident in fact that they can text, apply lip-gloss and in one memorable case, breast feed their baby on their knee whilst negotiating the A12.

A lot of confident drivers (perhaps present company excepted) are just simply aggressive drivers. It's not that we are not confident of our own driving skills. It's the presence of so many idiots on the road that puts us off.

It's the presence of so many idiots on the road that puts us off. et al.

Ah, the old maxim: "anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac" (George Carlin)

@BlueBinDay nervous drivers are just as dangerous in my opinion, we live just off a major road, it drives me MENTAL when people pull up to a slip road stop at the beginning of it like it's a junction and cause everyone behind to have to drive onto a dual carriageway from stationary. Also we have a fly over and some of the ridiculous things both cocky and clearly nervous drivers do is astounding. I'm perfect obviously.

I found it interesting to read all the comments about how people who don't drive are "unattractive".

In my case, it certainly didn't help with a previous relationship. I drive, my ex-BF didn't - out of choice, not ability. He never expected rides, was an all-round great guy etc. BUT. Every time we wanted to do anything at all outside of our village it was always down to me. IKEA? I had to drive. Nice country pub and walk? I had to drive. Visiting friends relatives (30min drive vs 1hr train with a change)? I had to drive or spend an extra hour and more money on a train. It just became very off-putting.

I live in central London now so it wouldn't matter that much - it's all about context, and here driving is slower. But at the time it was certainly annoying. A bit like someone unable to pay their bills, or clean a house.

UserMe18 I assume your parents had a carand were able to help you to learn to drive, either with money, teaching you or letting you use their car? There would have been no point in me getting my provisional at 17 as I would have had no resources to learn to drive and didn’t until I was 32.

I honestly don't know why anyone wouldn't learn to drive, for me it's just part of growing up which is fair enough in many situations, but many people don’t have an opportunity to learn.

@SgtFredColon yes admittedly my mum paid for me, she was a single mum with limited resources but was a priority for her (probably so I could get myself to work!) I will probably do the same with my children. My husband (who I've been with since high school) wasn't so lucky but he had a part time job in school which paid for it. We both lived in the sticks, it wasn't really seen as a luxury but a necessity (though rationally I do realise it's a luxury). So yes I was very lucky in that my mum paid, but I was working 14 hours a week through my A levels so I could (and would) have paid for myself if I had to.

But why should drivers need to have an excuse or reason beyond "I don't want to"? But of course that comes across as rude and paints the driver as the bad guy

This is a valid point - but it's true of refusing almost any favour, it's not peculiar to lifts. Saying 'I don't want to' is perceived as rude; hence the MN staple 'that doesn't work for me' which is offered as a useful phrase for people fed up with being used.

In short, non-drivers aren't responsible for the social convention that 'I don't want to' is not an acceptable reason to refuse a favour.

Yeah User your situation makes total sense, I just mean not everyone can do that. Even if I had worked part time in school it wouldn’t have been enough to buy a car pay for tax and insurance and lessons! I could barely afford it when I was 32

@SgtFredColon yeah I get that, I'm being a bit closed minded really, I do understand there's lots of reasons it's not do-able for everyone. I think the worst cost is the insurance!!

Yeah I keep telling my niece to learn now at 17 User as she lives at home, has access to a car etc so I do agree with you that it’s easier to do it when you’re young if you can.

Can you not just say to DM and DSis that you won't be driving to Auntie Mabel's Christmas drinks party this time because you fancy a drink so why don't you share the cost of a taxi between the three of you?

It’s always left to the drivers to organise trips

Not in my world it's not. And I'd hazard a guess that it's not a general thing that only the drivers of the world can organise events.
People organise events and everybody gets there under their own steam and they make plans to get home under their own steam.

I suggest to friends that we all meet up at X venue. It's up to them whether they can get there or not. It's really not a thing that if you have a party or something, you have to organise all your invitees transport. Some people don't drink, so drive themselves. Some people have partners who can drop them off and pick them up. Others are just happy to get taxis as and when.

Trips and events are not organised solely by people who can drive.

A significant party or event, perhaps even a wedding, does not require a driver or car owner to organise any part of it.

So I would argue your assertion that it's always left to the drivers to organise trips. Unless you are very young with limited experience and you just passed your test , that doesn't happen in the world of grown ups.