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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have swapped the presents

367 replies

Onahillside · 26/12/2018 09:40

My DCs wrote a wish list of a number of items - all roughly the same price. We / Santa would get a couple and my DParents and DB one each. DCs identified which 3 they wanted from Santa - and I asked DParents / DB specifically which ones to buy. In fact one of them I had already bought and had delivered so they just needed to transfer the money.

When my DCs wrote their Santa letters, they then started to include items which weren’t on the original wish list (and therefore hadn’t been bought). It was out of our budget to add those to the presents - so I managed to get the DCs to be happy with a Santa letter which included only items from the original wish list (but each had one item which I had actually asked my DParents / DB to buy.

No problem I thought - messaged them to say we’ll need to swap the presents around when we arrive to stay over on Christmas Eve so that the ‘right’ presents turned up from Santa. Remember these are presents which I either sent them the specific link to buy or actually ordered myself.

Christmas Eve comes and after the DCs go to bed, I say ‘right let’s get the presents swapped’ expecting it to be rather lighthearted / joking about the things you do for kids etc. Instead I was met with ‘you can’t, they’re already wrapped before you told us’, ‘we’re not looking through all the presents for them’, ‘you’ve really messed things up’ etc.

DM did get the presents and I found the right ones and unwrapped and asked her is she wanted X gift instead (similar value and still really wanted by DC). ‘I don’t care just chuck it in the bag’ (unwrapped with some other smaller wrapped gifts) was my DM response.

I told her I thought it would have been done in good grace and that she was being childish, she said I shouldn’t talk to her like that, raised some other issues and said I was always spoiling things and it all kicked off.

Anyway, we’ve ‘made up’ now but deep down I’m still annoyed that I was the bad guy and I genuinely didn’t / don’t think I did anything wrong asking for the presents to be swapped - especially given the way they were chosen and bought.

Ps - my DPs love my kids dearly and would have been happy to choose something for them - but preferred to get something they knew that they wanted.

So - was I unreasonable asking them to swap and expect that it was done in good grace?

OP posts:
Alienspaceship · 26/12/2018 10:17

You sound nuts. And controlling. It sounds as though this about what you want, your perception of what Xmas should be etc rather than anyone else’s. Children do t care what came from which relative/Santa.

AwakeNow · 26/12/2018 10:17

Ok. OP, the dc won't care who gave them what. Besides, if they quiz you, remind them Santa knows everything, including if someone already had purchased that same asked for gift, for you.

BasinHaircut · 26/12/2018 10:18

Plus it sounds like you have already asked them if you could do this and they had agreed, then changed thier kind when the time came? That’s just weird and childish IMO

NorthEndGal · 26/12/2018 10:18

Beyond unreasonable!
Go say sorry to your mum, and maybe learn to let go a bit

Hezz · 26/12/2018 10:19

Oh gosh you need to apologise. Very off of you.

IceRebel · 26/12/2018 10:20

Plus it sounds like you have already asked them if you could do this and they had agreed, then changed thier kind

Where does it say that the parents had agreed to this? All I see is OP demanding this and that, and getting pissed off when people said no.

ScreamingBadSanta · 26/12/2018 10:20

I had to read the OP twice before I understood it Xmas Confused.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 26/12/2018 10:20

OP I suggest you go back and actually READ some of the replies you've had here, and take them on board. YaBVU and need to apologise.

Lalliella · 26/12/2018 10:20

OP -

flowery · 26/12/2018 10:20

”when they changed their mind about what was from Santa“

Children don’t get to decide who things they’ve asked for are from. They are from whoever’s name is on the label. HTH.

Write · 26/12/2018 10:21

As someone above said, it’s not an order form!
DD asks for two specific things and two surprises it’s me who can’t stick to her limit and this year the one thing that there was no more “Santa” wrapping paper for one of her specifically asked for Santa gifts so I wrapped it in “my” gift wrapping paper and told her I had alreadygot it for her when she was writing her list and we had a little chuckle. End of story.

arranbubonicplague · 26/12/2018 10:21

OP, like everybody else, I get that you had a truly magical image of How things could and should be in your mind.

You should like an unbelievably good producer and stage manager and if you're in a details-oriented occupation, you must be outstanding. However, there are times when all the details can only be handled through team work and it's understanding and working with others that let you down here.

Nonetheless, this is Christmas and this is neither the first nor the last Christmas family spat. But it is one that you can begin to mend with a sincere apology to your DM for the way in which you handled the matter.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 26/12/2018 10:22

You genuinely can’t see why they’re annoyed?

You told them it was happening one way. They agreed and did it. Then last minute, to pander to small children on a whim, you demand it’s all changed. You really, really can’t see anything wrong with that?

It’s spectacularly rude, and also doesn’t benefit your children in any way.

You know what I told my dad? Don’t worry about stuff, they just want to see you. Of course he turned up with piles of stuff, BUT he knew that him seeing his grandbairns was the priority, not what he was giving them.

You can’t micromanage Christmas this way, it makes it feel like everyone is a little puppet in your show which isn’t fun for anyone besides you and your kids.

I think it’s really important, before you further damage family relationships, that you understand that stuff and possessions isn’t a reason to treat family like they’re irrelevant.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 26/12/2018 10:25

How much if this do you really think matters? How likely is it that your children care even a tiny bit?

Is this just a Christmas thing for you, or do you struggle generally when everything isn't exactly the way you planned it? Sorry, that's a lot of questions, but I think you might need a few moments of calm and some genuine reflection on your behaviour.

JimandPam · 26/12/2018 10:25

Sorry @Onahillside I know you're getting a hard time on here but I do agree with the masses.

Whilst I'm sure it was appreciated that you bought the present, it does sound like you need to chill out a little.

You sound very much like my friend who wants every magical moment with her kids to be perfect...and will plan and plan down to a tea. It's exhausting...and when something tiny goes awry she gets very upset and then dwells on how it's ruined the magic-all whilst the kids continue on happily enjoying it regardless and with no idea anything was 'spoilt'.

I think the only one who would have noticed or been upset was you and the kids would have been fine...I think perhaps next year take a more relaxed approach

Even with your updates I think the consensus it YWBU. So the choice now sits with you: accept it and make steps to make peace with all or continue on the defence and stick your heels in regardless. No point in continuing to post if the latter though!!

NWQM · 26/12/2018 10:26

Before you decide how to do this next you might want to ask your DC’s to split their presents - pile from Santa and pile from family. It’s probalay less than 24 hours later and I bet you they can’t.

cowfacemonkey · 26/12/2018 10:26

God you sound like hard work! What was the point in getting them to write Santa letters when you knew they had already given a list and nothing new could be added. Even sounds like you managed to suck the joy and fun out of the whole Santa letter experience.

"You will do things my way and I expect it to be done with good grace" seems to be your attitude, you sound awful!

gamerchick · 26/12/2018 10:26

If the DC even noticed enough to question it on the day, surely a simple "Santa didn't bring you X as he's magic and knew Grandma had already got it." would suffice

This ^^ bless you OP, its your mother fault anyway for introducing this system in the first place. You don't need to have seperate santa presents, kids don't care unless you've made them care. You crying because you weren't allowed to put something on your list as a kid shows how batshit this system is. It's supposed to be more fun than an order form.

Time to bin it off or do what a PP suggested above about what to say if they ask. Christmas shouldn't be so regimented.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 26/12/2018 10:27

DS got presents from family that he'd put on his Santa list - it wasn't a big deal, he was just happy to get them. I think you made an unnecessary fuss tbh.

Mulberry72 · 26/12/2018 10:28

I’ve not RTFT, but based just on the OP, you were very rude, childish and unreasonable, and even more so for saying Santa!!

I’m glad DS no longer believes in the FC bollocks, takes away half the stress of Christmas in one fell swoop!

GinIsIn · 26/12/2018 10:28

Never has the term ‘fun sponge’ seemed more accurate. OP all you are doing is sapping the joy out of Christmas for everyone involved. Seriously. Just tell your children they can ask Father Christmas for anything they want, and he’ll be sure to bring them some stuff from the list but as he has to take toys to all the children in the world, nobody gets their whole exact list. You are being really weird about this.

flumpybear · 26/12/2018 10:30

Fucking hell you make life far too difficult and controlled! I'd have been pissed off if I was your DM if I was old enough to be a GP

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 26/12/2018 10:31

I’m intrigued on what the ages of the children involved are.

I really doubt kids care that everything on their lists had to come from Santa. I think this is more about you than them.

Holidayshopping · 26/12/2018 10:32

Why do a Santa letter when they’ve already written a wish list?!

Surely you know they aren’t going to be exactly the same, so then you are manipulating the list and persuading them what you want them to write down (just like your parents did with you the Cabbage Patch doll?!)

You are being totally controlling and I am totally on your mum’s side on this!

ScarletChina · 26/12/2018 10:32

You have no point op. The point is, surely, your children were happy at Christmas? Who gave what is immaterial?