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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel LIVID!!!! 😔

174 replies

Bamchic · 25/12/2018 09:22

Because after 4 .5 years MIL doesn’t even know my name.
Apparently it’s because I’ve not had DHs child. So I’m not really in it for the long haul
I had to have a TFMR in 2017 past 20W, and this would’ve been DS first Christmas (Edd 20.1.18)

I can’t fathom why she can’t learn my name 2 syllable very plain think Emma, Susie, Jessie etc.

We are here until 2 and I feel so sad. Can’t wait until 330 when I can see my own mum and dad. I feel so sad and worthless 😢

OP posts:

Xenadog · 25/12/2018 18:21

OP, you have every right to be furious with DH and his mother but what are you going to do about it?

I’m of the mind that he should apologies profusely and speak to his mother and let her know, in no uncertain terms, that her behaviour will never be tolerated again. If this doesn’t happen then I would be looking at a 2019 where you dump these pieces of shite and build a new life with people who love and properly care for you. Use today as a watershed moment.

nickeltownofbethlehem · 25/12/2018 18:22

Wow!

Your H is just as bad!
I'm actually gobsmacked that not only did he not recognise that his mum was beyond rude, consistently, but then he blamed you for it and called your family dysfunctional!

What the actual fuck is wrong with that family?!

NewYorkDoll3 · 25/12/2018 19:29

Anyone who continues to 'forget' your name, or get it wrong, is definitely doing it because a) they don't care enough about you to remember it, or b) they are trying to piss you off/irk you/offend you, by pretending they can't remember it.

Every single person who keeps 'forgetting' my name, or keeps getting it 'wrong' has always been an obnoxious, annoying twat. I have never had anyone nice and genial who has continued to get my name wrong.

mbosnz · 25/12/2018 21:49

I've been married 24 years. We've been together 27 years. My FIL has apparently 'forgotten' not just my name, but also his son and my childrens' names. LOL. Silly, passive aggressive old goat. I might just forget he exists. Just like the rest of his family.

BlackberryandNettle · 25/12/2018 22:16

So sorry for your loss last year.

Your mil is extremely rude and your DH seems to be afraid of confronting her or of anyone else even daring to mention how she behaves, to the point of actually blaming you. He should be speaking up every single time she is rude to you.

Honestly I'd be having a serious think and talk. I'd tell him that he needs to acknowledge how incredibly rude she is and not only that but to support you.

Why are you keeping his vile mother happy, whilst your DH is prepared to let your lovely parents down on Christmas Day?

Could your mil be raging that your DH was leaving to visit your family? Is that a factor?

Serious talk, ask him to have counseling perhaps.

You could actually leave the lot of them you know. I certainly wouldn't be in a hurry to try to have another child any time soon until the mil issue is under control.

maxthemartian · 25/12/2018 22:21

Your DH is being an absolute prick.

Maelstrop · 25/12/2018 22:25

He didt't back you up when his mother was incredibly rude to you and refused to go to your parents'? What a wanker. Just stay at your parents.

Funkyfunkybeat12 · 25/12/2018 22:32

Passive aggressiveness is not going to solve this and the posts suggesting you hint at dementia are just offensive. Dementia is a horrible condition and no matter how pissed off you are at someone, joking that someone has it as a way of putting them down is offensive.

Tell her straight out that you cannot understand why she gets your name wrong and ask why she keeps doing it. If I were you, I would leave. Your husband sounds incredibly unsupportive.

LongHotSummer24715 · 25/12/2018 23:59

My MIL regularly calls me my DHs ex’s name they were never married but have a son together.
Our names do sound similar. As my DH can’t stand his ex I find it funny to see him, & then MIL when she’s corrected, cringe.

One of his sisters even wrote her name on our wedding card!

iRememberNow · 27/12/2018 00:42

How are things now?
I wonder if he felt like you were taking out his mum's poor behaviour on him. No excuse for a strop though.
Please do confront her if it happens again.

Notmyrealname85 · 27/12/2018 01:03

You’re not even 30?! Please remember the most important person in your life, is you. Should things not go well with your “DH” you have so much life left to live, and so much time to find someone else if you do want kids. Your partner should have your back especially when someone is being hostile to you. Yes I know it sounds silly, but your MIL’s behaviour is actually a test of his loyalties and where he lays the boundaries. Not good enough, you deserve better and shouldn’t have to teach him this

DragginBallsEEEE · 27/12/2018 01:12

Fucking hell! DP and I have dysfunctional families and we do get our backs up a bit if the other one says anything mean (even though we know it's true) as it's really embarrassing for both of us that are families are so shit and we don't like it pointed out by the other at times. We would never allow the other to be treated in any way similar to what your MIL has done to you though, and would back each other up if anything like that ever happened.

Original poster

Bamchic · 27/12/2018 06:42

Hi all we had a chat when i got back and it seemed he was just agitated and embarrassed.
I told him if his family can’t integrate me or at least treat me with respect then he needs to think about who he would rather have in his life.
Didn’t go down awfully but not great either.
Goodness only knows eh?
Hope you all had a lovely Boxing day

OP posts:

Auramigraine · 27/12/2018 07:39

Awww Bamchic how awful for you :( I had something similar when I had been with my OH 6 years! His relative tried to introduce me and say this is...... sorry I forgot ur name!! Looking back now it was just to piss me off because 6 years later I now know how much they didn’t approve or like me and we no longer talk. So sorry to hear of your TFMR

longwayoff · 27/12/2018 07:58

You need to play her at her own game. Every time you speak to her, call her something incorrect but similar to her own name. So, Marlene, how are you.? I said to x the other day, it's time we visited Doreen again. Eileen, Irene, any rhyming een. For whatever her name is. If she says my name is . . . Then say oh? My name is bamchic. Leave it at that. She will stop after a little of this.

TruckLoadOfSubtleGlitter · 27/12/2018 08:02

Im not surprised it didn't go down well, you're putting the blame on to him.

What you should have done as asked him to be on your side side, part of a team and tackle it together. Whether that would be to back off, talk to them or have him confront them. You need to be on the same side.

Honestly, that wouldn't have done down to well with me either.

Unusualusernames · 27/12/2018 08:32

Oh she sounds vile and really quite strange. Unless she has Alzheimer’s I don’t believe she can’t remember your name and just sounds like she’s making a bizarrely inappropriate joke at your expense or she’s a spiteful bitch.
I’m really sorry for your loss. This Christmas must be really hard for you. I really hope 2019 brings you happiness

DoraBella88 · 29/12/2018 11:45

That's disgusting and she is totally doing it on purpose!

My DHs GFather has had issues with me from day one. We've been together 10yrs and he has always felt I took him away from him (baring in mind DH sees him EVERY weekend!) He always made cruel comments to me and ignored me completely at times. He was clever with it though and always did it out of earshot of anyone else. I told DH about it but was always told "you know what he's like". In the end I just ignored him until he said hello to me.
Unfortunately he decided to show his true feeling about me on my WEDDING DAY! After the ceremony we were being congratulated by our guests and he came over, looked me up and down, then walked off. Completely blanking me! Unfortunately for hiim, this happened in front of my DM who went ballistic!
In a nutshell, i refused to be anywhere near him for the next year. I told his family that if he was at a family gathering then I wouldn't be there! This resulted in HIM being left out.
We had to attend SIL wedding so we kind of made up there. He is so nice to me all of a sudden, but that's probably as I told him, one comment and I'm done!

So my advise to you would be to avoid her. At the end of the day her being mean is upsetting you, so don't put yourself in that situation.

Sorry for the long post - I just totally get it

gamerwidow · 29/12/2018 11:52

What an incredibly awful woman. I can’t imagine the levels of spite it would take to deliberately refuse to use someone’s name and then tell them they’re nothing to them until they’ve had a child. Especially knowing about the beautiful child you have lost. I wouldn’t see her again she’s the worthless one.

allisonpeters · 29/12/2018 12:40

She’s a twat OP, definitely not worth your time. I agree with everyone who advised you to refer to her by a patronising name. I’m so sorry to hear about your lost child, you don’t need to surround yourself with a callous woman

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/12/2018 12:44

I'd just call his Mum 'Old Woman' :D every time she does it..

'xyz, can you do this'
'No Old Woman, I cannot'.

E20mom · 29/12/2018 12:47

Mine knows my name but told me the first or second time I met her that she was going to call me something else.

browneyes77 · 29/12/2018 23:40

Wow! She’s doing it on purpose because she’s spiteful and your DH needs to grow a pair!

Jeez, I’ve been with my OH for 5 years and at the beginning of the relationship his DM accidentally referred to me once by his ex’s name (purely an innocent slip of the tongue and she apologised). But my OH went ape shit at her for it!

Holidayshopping · 29/12/2018 23:46

Your MIL sounds awful, but your husband doesn’t sound much better.

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