To ask if you are age 45-55

[Iamtheoneandonly2018]

Did you go to your parents with your problems? Was talking about this to someone and we both can't work out if it's a generational thing. We were left to deal with stuff on our own/ told we were making a mountain out of a molehill etc. Parents still won't discuss stuff now - still ignored or brushed under the carpet.

Yes. And all my friends came to my parents too.

Yes, my dps are brilliant particularly my dm but probably discuss things more as an adult after having dc.

No my parents were largely unaware of any of my problems, there was a definite policy at our house of "you made your bed you lie in it". My dc come to me all the time and whilst I am glad they feel able to do so it is at times exhausting tbh,

Mousse Your parents will have brought you up differently to how they were brought up. If you are in this age range, the chances are your parents were brought up very much to put adults first, be quiet around adults, and be grateful for having a bed, clothes and food.

No never. Now I’m the middle aged one I get not only my parents telling me their problems and expecting me to have the answer, but my two adult DC as well, I’m literally the bloody oracle for the entire family!

I wonder if there is a difference in parents depending on how old they are? If you are in the age range above your parents could be in their late 60s/early 70's or late 80's/early 90's. It is a whole generation difference.

So I know most adults brought up in the 30's and 40s, were brought up very differently to those 10 years later. Kids brought up during the war were brought up to be grateful for a full belly and a warm bed, because most could not take these things for granted. And their parents were often busy - dad in the trenches, mum working full time and running a home before modern appliances or ready made meals, so there was very little time to be spent on children. Many had fathers or other relatives die. Children brought up during the 50s and 60s had a very different experience and that will have affected their own emotional development.

Also whenever your parents were born, if you are in the above age group your parents will have been raised wit the idea that you look after elderly parents and many of them will have done this themselves. Both sets of our parents did this either in their own home, or frequent visits to their own parents homes. So not surprising id most expect their own adult children to help them out.

I'm a tiny bit young (just turned 44!) but hope I can join in. No, I don't go to my parents with problems and don't think I have since I left home. Mine were just not emotionally supportive. I don't know if it's a generational thing entirely, though; I know people my age and probably older who do turn to their parents.

I think there are parents like this in every generation. But I do think there was a generational issue as well that has an impact here.

I'm 43 and I didn't go to my parents with worries or problems and I was an anxious child.

abacucat yes my parents were brought up differently. They put adults needs and wants first my point is this is how I was brought up.

I was brought up by them to be like this and so were many people on this thread but we rejected it. I was brought up to keep emotions to myself and not make a fuss but if my adult child was sobbing after seeing her father have an episode of dementia based fury I wouldn't turn away and look embarrassed.

We are only defined by our childhood if we allow it.

No. My parents were never really very empathetic but now mum is caring for my dad through cancer and dementia so I wouldn’t dream of it. She gets a very edited version of my life.

I used to sometimes ask advice from my MIL if I had a specific situation. She was a very opinionated woman and loved to voice her views.

Also, none of my grandparents lived longer than their mid 70s. The issue of looking after very elderly parents is new.

A few people reached an old age and needed support but in the working classes where most people smoked and worked as manual labourers most died relatively young.

Oh no ... the idea of looking after elderly parents didn't apply to them pmsl! The special ones! They did fuck all for their parents.

Think about it ... where did the sudden rise in care homes start?

My parents have always been supportive but like other people have said I would hesitate to burden them with anything now as they're both elderly. We're at the age where I should be the responsible one.

I’m 43. I never spoke to my dad about anything deep, and rarely spoke to my mum. She was always too impatient to listen to my woes, and she’s even worse now so I just don’t bother. They were / are good parents in many ways but in that aspect they have utterly failed me. I know that sounds petulant but I am very open with my dds, and they are with me - I’ll always stop and talk things through with them, so I know it can be done. Why my parents didn’t is a failure on their part!

No, not at all, my mum needs me to be happy and capable at all times!
Dad absent.

I am sure I could have done but chose not to and nor would my adult children.

However we often talked about all kinds of deep stuff as it was the home of a psychiatrist so conversations were always very interesting. I can't believe how dull some family conversations are in other homes- I don't know how people can endure it.

I'm 49 and no I can't talk to my parents about anything.

When I was diagnosed with PND my dad actually said 'what have you got to be depressed about'!

I went through 4 years of IVF and it wasn't mentioned once by them.

My brothers daughter was born with a serious heart defect and he was understandably crying about it. My mum told him to stop crying as it wasn't necessary.

So they were never emotionally there for us, but we were looked after, we'll fed and had a lovely home.

God no. I don't think I've ever turned to them when I need help or advice.

I could go to my dad who is 90 with anything under the sun. He might not be able to help, but he would listen.

My mother who is much younger, no way! I once got told no one would like me if I cried. I thought, what even you. Apparently the answer was yes!

My parents were generous with money and gifts when I was growing up but it was never material stuff that was important. Like a lot of people here, my parents were utterly disinterested in my emotional well being and put their heads in the sand when I had some very obvious mental health issues going on in my mid and late teens. My mum thought that I should 'get a grip' of my depression, despite being very close to a breakdown and my Dad was more interested in relaxing after work - when I think of him now the image in my mind is of him sitting in his armchair reading a newspaper. He was never even interested enough in his kids to go on holidays with them. I now find it very hard to ask people for support and shoulder too much myself, which can get very tiring.

I'm 43.

No never, I discuss nothing personal with them. Our relationship is entirely superficial.

Same here. They don't know the struggles I have been through, that I go through. All they want to know is that I'm healthy and not in abject poverty.

When I had severe PND my mum told me to count my blessings and pull myself together. She still thinks depression is a form of self-indulgent self pity. I'm in my late 40's.