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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you are age 45-55

190 replies

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 23/12/2018 23:03

Did you go to your parents with your problems? Was talking about this to someone and we both can't work out if it's a generational thing. We were left to deal with stuff on our own/ told we were making a mountain out of a molehill etc. Parents still won't discuss stuff now - still ignored or brushed under the carpet.

OP posts:
Luckingfovely · 23/12/2018 23:34

No. Never have, never would.

PinaColada1 · 23/12/2018 23:35

No I don’t really. More my mother talks to me, I’m the shoulder.

However DP shared his problems with his mum and sister about our relationship a while back and they took every magnified thing he said and now don’t talk to me. So beware of using family to side with you! It’s not great and there is a strained relationship with their grandson, my son now. Not good. He should have vented his nonsense elsewhere.

Seniorschoolmum · 23/12/2018 23:36

Parents of 55yos were probably children during or immediately after wwII and so think might think that modern problems, with an NHS and better education, more money etc, don’t compare to what they coped with. So yes, probably a generational thing.
Certainly my mum’s view was “less said, soonest mended” whether we were chronically depressed or had been groped by someone’s dad. You just didn’t talk about things. It was distasteful.

Serin · 23/12/2018 23:37

My mum has always been loving and supportive but at 86 I wouldn't dream of burdening her with my problems.
There are things I would like to ask her, like why she stayed with my alcoholic, wife beating father, but I have sort of worked that out for myself over the years.
She has very little confidence and he eroded what little bit she did have.

cucumbergin · 23/12/2018 23:39

I don't tend to so much (was always very stubborn/independent as a kid) but always knew I could if I needed to. Siblings definitely do/did.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/12/2018 23:39

my mum has always struggled to support me emotionally although we do get on and see each other regularly and they are a fab help practically. Just Not much sympathy with anything. Eg depression. Has Never really seen my point of view when I tried to talk about my problems Eg whenever I had any issues with DH in the past she would try to blame me for his reactions to things. “Well, you can be quite plain talking with people and speak quite sharply to them” when I mentioned we weren’t talking even if it was about something bad HE had done and the argument had been caused by HIS action. It had to be my fault you see.

Even though I got bad depression after a forced move 300 miles away for DH’s work not long after we’d got together, and me left on my own a lot with no friends or family or job, she was no emotional support, just said “I’m sure it’s even worse for DH, his work is so demanding”. So I just stoppped talking to her about any emotional stuff. It’s just the way she is. We are different people. I love her but her “advice” on emotional issues is no help at all.

Athena51 · 23/12/2018 23:41

I'm 51. I lost my dad 25 years ago and my mum 3 years ago. They were unusually liberal and understanding I think and I could talk to them about anything including relationships, emotional issues - anything really. They were straight talking but not at all judgemental.

I very much adopted their parenting style for my own (now grown-up) DS and we have a very warm and close relationship and he confides in me.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 23/12/2018 23:42

I’m 45. My mum thinks depression and anxiety are self-indulgent nonsense, and just a sign of being selfish and self-absorbed. My dad’s mum sufferered terribly with mental health issues, and spent years on and off in psychiatric hospitals. My mum told me she would never have married my dad if she had known I would end up like her (granny). I have an excellent degree, a professional job, and a great relationship, but am a terrible failure to my mother because I suffer from MH problems. I don’t see her often.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 23/12/2018 23:44

No, if I told them my problems they would basically say, "I don't want to know, you are upsetting me, pull yourself together". Also they have never said they love me, although I believe they do.

I struggle with being physically affectionate with my kids, saying "I love you," etc. We are close though and they talk to me about their problems and I try to be kind.

DH is much better than me at this sort of thing.

Notmyrealname85 · 23/12/2018 23:44

My mum is in her 70s, no she doesn’t do emotional support. Strangely she did get it from her mum, but doesn’t to me. If i try and mention anything it’s met with an embarassed response and change of subject. She has lied to her friends - and asked me to do the same - eg about a time I changed job. It wasn’t even a bad situation, she just assumed it might be and wanted no one to know and told me the same.

My dad never told me he loved me. We don’t say that as a family. No hugs, supportive chats etc growing up either.

The main difference is they didn’t “engineer” our childhoods. They rather flippantly had a few kids as that was what was expected, didn’t plan childhoods for us

ChristmasFairy2018 · 23/12/2018 23:46

53 and never had any support from my dp, financially or emotionally. But now dm is getting older I am expected to be there for her. But she can fottfsofatfosm.

Yulebealrite · 23/12/2018 23:47

My mum and dad were great and were very supportive practically but I didn't discuss emotions with them. We do now though and psycho analyse everything.

I relate to my own teens in a very different way.

Afternooninthepark · 23/12/2018 23:47

I’m 45 and my sister is 43. And even though I am a parent myself, we have always been able to turn to our parents for support and help, they are our best mates. Unfortunately, mum has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s so we will now be the supportive ones for our parents.

recklessruby · 23/12/2018 23:48

I m 50. I still go to both my parents for advice. Also I just really like being with them. They were the flower children generation and I was brought up pretty liberally. But a friend of mine was bullied horribly by her mother and has no contact now.
My own adult dc still live with me and they have always come to me for advice or just another point of view.
I might not be the luckiest person in the world but I have got a close family.

brizzledrizzle · 23/12/2018 23:49

No, but then I don't go to anybody with my problems.

Deadringer · 23/12/2018 23:52

I am early 50s and as a child I wouldn't have sought my mum's help or advice, I would have just got on with it. But as an adult she is my first port of call if I have a problem, she is very wise and always willing to listen. Sadly she won't be with us much longer, she is 92 and in ill health and I will be devastated when she goes. Sad

KellyMarieTunstall2 · 23/12/2018 23:52

I am 45, I haven't gone to my parents for anything since I was 16. They have never been supportive sadly.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 23/12/2018 23:55

We had a bit of a pisstaking attitude towards each other in my family too; nowadays it would be called banter. I don't let my own kids belittle each other at all.

I dunno. I think I'm very tough, very resilient. My kids are not too bad by current standards but I feel they are total softies compared to me; they need much more handholding than I ever did.

There must be some elusive narrow path in child rearing whereby your kids grow up strong but not emotionally stunted.

BrokenWing · 23/12/2018 23:57

I am 50 and never speak to my parents about anything other than practical day to day stuff, never problems. Basically because they never really spoke to me or showed any interest in my life, thoughts, opinions, feelings as a child, teenager or young adult.

They never told me about periods, sex, relationships, work, life, anything really so the topics just don't naturally come up.

MaMisled · 23/12/2018 23:58

My parents always said I didnt know what real problems were, even when I was 36, 3 young children, no money; health problems and impending divorce!

Notmyrealname85 · 24/12/2018 00:02

Christ mine never did any sex/ puberty chat! My mum gave me a tampon and just said you shove it up there Confused

A pp mentions the hippy/flowerpower generation but I look at her and wonder where it went!!

OrigamiZoo · 24/12/2018 00:25

Parents now deceased but no....once mentioned bullying friends at school, mum said she'd talk to school and never did.
She didn't believe in sex before marriage so no relationship chats.
I had a fall out with a friend once , made up, she moved overseas. My mum hid her letters.

However, we heard all about her emotional roller-coaster with my dad who was supposedly having an affair. It dominated our loves.

My dad, was who was very emotionally distant once surprised me when I'd had my heart broken yet again (over a fling of only 3/4 months) and told me not to let it rule my life and a story about how he'd let some heartbreak upset him far more than it needed to and I had to try and move past it. I was prone to dwelling so it was in fact, welcomed advice.

My siblings have inherited their traits - I've confided and either been met with dismissal /ignoring from my brothers or in the case of my sister, she'd be supportive but then throw it back at you in a row down the line.

WhipItGood · 24/12/2018 01:08

No. I might speak very generally about what is going on but never in detail or in a way that is presented as me asking for their input. They have pretty fixed ideas so I never mention anything that I know they’ll be judgey about.

Years ago when my dc were babies I became depressed. I told them about that but they clearly didn’t want to hear about it and never asked me again how I was. I vowed then never to ask them for much in the way of support ever again.

Argonauts · 24/12/2018 01:13

No, never, not since I was very young. They aren’t very good at dealing the world, and are pessimists and terrible worriers, and so magnify every problem to way larger than life-size. They are the very last people I tell about anything bad. Being told someone was awake worrying about your X at 3 am is the reverse of helpful.

AmIthatbloodycold · 24/12/2018 01:21

I was pondering this today as my
mum is very ill and things aren't looking good and I was trying to be all practical with my dad. I wondered what I should be feeling

I've had practical support but never any emotional support. We don't hug and I can't remember either of my parents telling me that they love me. My DC are always being told and funnily enough have no issues hugging their grandparents.

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