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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you are age 45-55

190 replies

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 23/12/2018 23:03

Did you go to your parents with your problems? Was talking about this to someone and we both can't work out if it's a generational thing. We were left to deal with stuff on our own/ told we were making a mountain out of a molehill etc. Parents still won't discuss stuff now - still ignored or brushed under the carpet.

OP posts:
Aebj · 24/12/2018 06:00

I’m slightly out of your bracket ( I’m 44 in February). I would never talk to my parents about emotion/ mental health issues. They have been stuck in the 70/80’s and haven’t moved forwards. They have no idea how to use mobile phones. Computers they can simple email and Skype but that’s it. If it doesn’t work they call someone in.
Lucky I have a great support network of various ages.

jemihap · 24/12/2018 06:06

45 and have never sought or received any kind of emotional support from either of my parents neither as a child or now.

They're both far too self absorbed and emotionally distant.

bellinisurge · 24/12/2018 06:11

Mine are both dead now but when I couldn't hide stuff anymore they usually got it out of me. I only really stopped unburdening to either of them when they each became very ill. They weren't really the "snap out of it" kind but they were the wartime generation and wouldn't tolerate too much. They would basically just let me talk if I had to. This was separately.

The4thSandersonSister · 24/12/2018 06:13

My parents are wonderful and I could talk to my Mum about anything, but I've always hashed out problems with my friends. My parents always look at how a situation will best benefit me, and my friends will always offer different scenarios.

BeardedMum · 24/12/2018 06:14

My parents have always been very supportive. I have never needed much emotional support but they would probably be better at practical support as would my MIL. I think I am the same so its not always a generational thing. I run a mile from people who want to discuss emotional issues and my DH has more deeper conversations with our children.

JeezYouLoon · 24/12/2018 06:16

Never, my parents were/are lovely and I had a brilliant childhood. However I learnt early on just to get on with it.

I'm from a farming background though, so I assumed that was the reason. Animals always came first and in the grand scheme of things any problems I had seemed negligible when you had god know how many ewes lambing.

Interestingly I remember catching up with an old school friend years later and my mum being really shocked. Apparently my mum said she used to bully me and be really nasty, I honestly do not remember at all. I have a knack of forgetting all the shit stuff and concentrating on the good. I'm also a glass half full kinda girl so my upbringing clearly worked.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 24/12/2018 06:25

Mine aren’t really emotionally supportive and my mother has in the past been quite dismissive when something bad has happened. I didn’t talk to them about relationships or anything like that growing up and concealed any problems as I knew I’d just be yelled at. These days my mum tends to lean on me and I find it exasperating that I have to show her the support that she couldn’t for me when I was younger.

WhipItGood · 24/12/2018 08:09

These days my mum tends to lean on me and I find it exasperating that I have to show her the support that she couldn’t for me when I was younger.

Oh goodness this sums up my parents (and my feelings) exactly.

thedevilinablackdress · 24/12/2018 08:21

Talk?
About things?
God no.
Maybe a little more nowadays but as a child/teen/young adult. Absolutely not.

bellinisurge · 24/12/2018 08:32

If you have a generally ok relationship with frail elderly parents, it can, if you judge it right, be helpful to them to feel like adults again and care for you. Even if it is just a bit of unburdening. The point isn't to get advice but to make them feel like you still view them as adults. Obviously it completely depends on the situation, on your needs and their needs. However, both my parents when they were still alive (they died nearly 20 years apart) still liked to "be my mum" or "be my dad" even when they were very poorly. In a good way, not a whiny nagging or overly worrying about me way.

Maelstrop · 24/12/2018 08:37

@selkiesolstice mine does too, dm told me he does one time. He makes it clear I'm his favourite and is very scathing about my brother who is dm's favourite.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 24/12/2018 08:39

All the time. They always make me feel better. They’ll sit there with a bottle of wine and dish out their stoic advice, maybe have a little bicker amongst themselves about each other’s advice. My dad’s very no-nonsense and my mum is more sympathetic but they both make me laugh and feel better about things.

Judging by MNers and other friends I know how lucky and unusual I am.

WhenLifeGivesYouLemonsx · 24/12/2018 08:40

My husband is and he never goes to his Mum if he has issue.

Dumbledoresgirl · 24/12/2018 08:47

How sad to read so many negative replies. I am 53, my siblings older, and, whilst I imagine we haven't told our parents every problem in our lives, I know we have told them many and mostly, if not always, received sympathetic and good advice.

My mother has dementia and my father has lost interest in many aspects of my life now, but I still wouldn't hesitate to confide in him in a real crisis.

speakout · 24/12/2018 08:50

No way.

Zero support.

eggsandwich · 24/12/2018 08:50

Both my parents died 26 & 23 years ago so this situation never arose for me.

Wallywobbles · 24/12/2018 08:50

I give a summary of things and let them know in broad terms. When my marriage was bad they wouldn't let me talk about. DSM apologized for that though. Mine are better than many.

ISdads · 24/12/2018 08:51

Nope
They are a shit, selfish generation from what I have seen, with the odd exception. Of course, as they age ... they come running for help and support they never offered. My grandparents on the other hand were amazing.

hairypaws · 24/12/2018 08:53

No I didn't ever go to her for support. She was abusive and I learned from a very early age not to ever ask her for anything.

Strugglingtodomybest · 24/12/2018 08:54

No, I learnt not to go to them for emotional support, they just can't do it. When I told them that I'd been to the doctors and been diagnosed with mild depression, my mum told me to stop being so silly.

morningtoncrescent62 · 24/12/2018 08:55

I'm just over your age group, OP (I'm 56), but I would never have dreamed of taking any problems to my parents. With people on this thread calling them a selfish generation, I wonder if it's to do with them growing up during/soon after the war - their own parents weren't there for them emotionally because they were either away fighting (dads) or making do in the toughest circumstances (mums) and then adjusting to a postwar world of men back on the scene, women back in the home but still loads of shortages.

Both my parents are dead now, but when they were alive it wouldn't have occurred to me to talk to them about problems, we just never did.

TheNavigator · 24/12/2018 08:55

Nope, typical 70s childhood, totally adult centred & children expected to get on with it. It brings into sharp relief how much children dominate families nowadays. I do think there needs to be a middle line - my DH & I are both resilient types and although we are far more touchy feely than our parents we have tried not to raise complete snowflakes.

My darling dad is dead but I do have a good relationship with my mum, although I would go to DH or my best friend for my emotional support over her. Really, I support her now as her husband has dementia.

Sockwomble · 24/12/2018 08:57

No but that was just my mum.

Jins · 24/12/2018 08:57

I could talk quite openly to my parents but there were topics that didn’t get airtime. Relationship problems weren’t for them for example. However they were great at helping me build confidence and pretty good in most areas.

I agree with pp that in general they come from a fairly selfish generation. Some of my friends had shockingly detached parents that only seemed to care about themselves

VanCleefArpels · 24/12/2018 08:57

Definitely not. I spent most if my adolescence and early adulthood inwardly seething but never vocalising anything with my parents as I knew it would be dismissed and patronised. My own young adults have an entirely dufferent relationship with me thank goodness, sometimes they vocalise their issues too much 😉