Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you are age 45-55

190 replies

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 23/12/2018 23:03

Did you go to your parents with your problems? Was talking about this to someone and we both can't work out if it's a generational thing. We were left to deal with stuff on our own/ told we were making a mountain out of a molehill etc. Parents still won't discuss stuff now - still ignored or brushed under the carpet.

OP posts:
Disquieted1 · 24/12/2018 01:23

I'm 50 and my parents have been a good sounding board for practical issues - should I buy this house? That kind of thing.
As far as emotional issues - they're just not interested. They have no time for a victim mentality, whatever the situation it's your problem to deal with, that's their approach. No way could one discuss mental health issues, for example.

romany4 · 24/12/2018 01:25

I'm 46. I could talk to my mum about anything. We were and still are very close
My dad was more private. I didn't talk to him about personal things but he was very good with everyday advice. I lost him 9 years ago and still miss him terribly

mum11970 · 24/12/2018 01:40

No, I’m 48 and my depression is never commented on, it doesn’t exist as far as my parents are concerned but it’s not really taken seriously by anyone. God how I wish I won’t wake tomorrow but I know I will have to just for my two youngest children but I’ll still be the same disappointment to my parents and older child as I am every day.

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 24/12/2018 02:05

No but I was never sure if this was because I spent time in and out of care as mum had/has huge mental health problems.

My daughter is 28 and my relationship with her is very different to my relationship with my mother. I hope I became the kind of mother I always wanted but haven't got.

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 24/12/2018 02:07

I am 55 btw.

DuchessAnnogovia · 24/12/2018 02:09

When I was going through my breakdown, my mother was an absolute star. I could talk to her about anything and she was emotionally supportive as well. Fast forward 15 years, and I can't talk in depth about any problems I have because she always ends up talking about herself, it's all woe is me.

My wonderful DGM was the person I could talk to about anything. She was the most patient and the wisest person I know. Sadly she is no longer with us.

lljkk · 24/12/2018 02:55

Probably more than I realise. Not with deep stuff. I felt like they fundamentally rejected me as a person so didn't like being vulnerable with them. My mother had poor boundaries & my dad didn't listen.

Fantastiqueangel · 24/12/2018 02:59

Not when I was growing up, no. But since my 30s, yes. They are very supportive.

LellyMcKelly · 24/12/2018 03:03

No, my mum has had an anxiety disorder for most of her life. It’s controlled better now, but every minor problem became a full blown trauma. My dad is great but hands off. They’ve been very supportive in many ways, but wouldn’t make great agony aunts.

speakingtruthfully · 24/12/2018 03:16

I'm mid 50's my parents are longer here ( still miss them very much ) they always supported me ( and me them if I could ) always listened to my worries and found a sensible solution found if possible

DramaAlpaca · 24/12/2018 03:25

No, never. I'm mid 50s. My parents have always made it all about them, so it was easier to figure stuff out by myself.

jessstan2 · 24/12/2018 03:31

Ours were all dead by time we were 55. Yes, we went to them with some problems and not others. They helped out when and if they could.
As we help out ours (not 45-55 yet by a long chalk but adult). Isn't that usual?

(I can't honestly say they would have been helpful with emotional/depressive stuff but they cared.)

Grandparents often help too.

citychick · 24/12/2018 03:40

My parents are mid 70's.
I no longer talk about emotional stuff. I don't want to burden them.
They are great support for practical things...house buying, car buying, for example.

I have paid a therapist in the past for emotional stuff. I'd rather keep it out of family business. Let my parents enjoy their later years worry free.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 24/12/2018 03:49

My mother... absolutely not. My father... I can talk some things with him.

Having said that, my younger sister is just a couple of years younger than me and she goes to my mother for everything from having her clothes laundered to having chicken soup if she is dying of a common cold.

systemwwr · 24/12/2018 03:51

My parents were born in the 1950s and I could never talk to them about emotional difficulties. I tried to tell my mum I was struggling with depression and her response was that just thinking about me made her depressed and then she went on to talk about herself for some time and how much hard work she finds her adult children.

DM considers the difficult things we go through to be so awful for HER and never takes a moment to think how they feel for us - you know - given they are our lives and our problems and it's us that are actually going through them. She's highly controlling and critical and kicks me when i'm down. It seems like a lot of PP are only a few years younger than her and yet are much more supportive and open with their own children.

I am affectionate and talk about all sorts with my DC and from a young age have encouraged them to talk about anything they're struggling with. I wish i'd had the same. It's very hard having no support.

DioneTheDiabolist · 24/12/2018 04:00

I have never gone to my parents with my "problems" OP. But I have gone to them when the shit hit the fan!Xmas Shock

I talk to them about my life, they tell me about theirs and we help each other out however we can.Xmas Smile

Naveloranges · 24/12/2018 04:07

I’m 54- have lived with my dd aged 17 on my own since she was 2. My parents- both late 70s have been an incredible support as an adult. Although I have struggled with my mum being quite cold and judgmental - my dad is amazing. He really tries so hard to understand when I’m ill with depression and is always there for me. I have a really good job and I know they’re incredibly proud of me. I didn’t confide in them when I was younger though- I was molested by an older man when I was 15 and also suffered some other unpleasant situations; there was no way I could have told them. I was actually quite frightened of them - lots of shouting and physical punishment of my siblings.
I struggled with this for some time, but with help and counselling , I realise they were very young parents and didn’t really know any different.
I’m very close to them now and help out a lot as they both have some health issues.

AnnaMariaDreams · 24/12/2018 04:10
  1. Yes always, still do. I’m an only child so very close to them.
BBCK · 24/12/2018 04:35

I’m 52 and I never ask for help as I’ve only asked twice in my adult life and was brushed off both times. My father is dead and my mum remarried in her 70s. Neither parent ever told me they loved me and I don’t believe they do, in the way I understand parental love. Having said that, I am a very emotionally resilient person so maybe it helped me. My relationship with my own children couldn’t be more different, which makes it even harder to understand my parents’ attitude. Ironically, my mum is very active in the community and known for her caring nd helpful ways to those who have problems ☹️

Blueberryhill123 · 24/12/2018 04:39

This thread has made me realise even more how lucky I am to have parents who are supportive and who I'm very close to.
I'm 48 and have always been able to confide in them both. I don't so much now as they're older, but I know that they would be there for me in a heartbeat.
I'm dreading the day I no longer have them.

Charley50 · 24/12/2018 05:02

I'm 48. Have never spoken to my mum about my problems, as she was always too wrapped up in her own. Now she's too old for me to try. My dad didn't speak to me.

Charley50 · 24/12/2018 05:03

Oh and my mum has told me she loves me a handful of times (if that!). My dad never did.

PipGoesPop · 24/12/2018 05:31

Late 40s. No, not really. Dad was either at work or exhausted and/or grumpy. Mum was busy being a housewife/mum to much younger sibling. Any attempts were met with sort it out yourself, oh for god's sake or I haven't got time for that. Neither of them would have been brought up to talk about anything with their parents who had lived through WW2 and so clearly day to day issues were piffle compared to the bigger issue.

That said had there been any properly big issues I'm sure they would have been there for me. I do sometimes have a moan to my mum now about things that have upset me, though rarely.

I have broken the cycle with my dd though. I hope.

Coffeebean76 · 24/12/2018 05:38

Nope. That would be showing vulnerability which my mum would have thrown back at me in an argument at a later stage. To be fair her relationship with her Mum was the same so it was learned behaviour.

Wierd huh?!

PietariKontio · 24/12/2018 05:50

Nope, would rather deal on my own, or, more usually, talk to my wife.

Dads dead, but would never have anyway. Mum? Good grief no, would rather tell the cat!

I'm lucky in that my wife is awesome, and I can chat about anything with her, I'm quite prone to dealing with my own stuff, which is generally ok. Occasionally need to share tho.

Not sure if it's an age thing tho. Might just be a 'my parents' thing tbh

Swipe left for the next trending thread