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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is abusive

132 replies

brusselsproutfan · 23/12/2018 11:58

Last night me DH and 2 DC went to see the Panto. It's expensive so a nice night out.
Had small dinner before we went and picked up some chips to eat on way back to eat at home.
Had a brilliant time up until that point.
I drove with oldest DD in front of car and DH and youngest DD sat in the back. Youngest DD fell asleep and normally I pull up on the drive, unlock front door, go in and say hello to the dog as he goes crazy then come back out and get DD out of car.
My DH started beeping the car horn as I didn't come out quick enough as the car has child locks on the doors so he needed to be let out. I was coming out anyway to lift youngest DD out of car as she was asleep. He was so angry and came in and started shouting at my oldest DD saying she was selfish for not letting him out the car and was really shouting at her. DD started crying so I gave her a hug and DH got even angrier.
He went into kitchen and went to fill up the kettle and banged the lid down on the kettle several times so it's now buckled and doesn't fit on the kettle properly.
He got the chips that were still wrapped in the paper and thrust them really hard into DDs hands and said "go on eat them" he did it with force so he hurt her.
I was very upset by this and told him he's abusive and he went into the garden and started shouting at the top of his voice and we could hear loads of noises where he was throwing stuff about out there.
We were scared and contemplated calling the police as I don't think it's right to be scared in your own home. AIBU to do this?
All over not letting him out the car quick enough.

OP posts:
Fluffyears · 23/12/2018 12:07

LTB protect your children, he is actually abusing them. What is your housing situation, is it rented or owned?

delilahbucket · 23/12/2018 12:09

Get out and get out now. This is awful for you and the children and could easily escalate dangerously next time. And there will be a next time.

AgentProvocateur · 23/12/2018 12:09

Yes he is. What are you going to do to make sure your children don’t grow up in an abusive household? Do you have money, and what’s your housing situation? Wishing you all strength to get rid of him.

Original poster
brusselsproutfan · 23/12/2018 12:11

He isn't working ATM which I think has added to the stress but doesn't excuse the behaviour. He has form for being aggressive in the past.
It's a part rent part buy housing association 2 bed house

OP posts:
JuniperBeer · 23/12/2018 12:11

His reaction was ridiculous and not normal and must have been terrifying for the children.
When you got out of the car why didn’t you just open the handle to let him out or say to your DD ‘let your dad out will you’ that’s what would have happened here?

Thesearmsofmine · 23/12/2018 12:13

Has this kind of thing happened before? He behaved terribly.

Original poster
brusselsproutfan · 23/12/2018 12:13

JuniperBeer

I know, we just forgot it was 11pm and it was late, eldest DD was tired and normally he doesn't come out in my car so not used to him being in the back. But yes that's what should have happened.

OP posts:
bertielab · 23/12/2018 12:13

Awful. Poor child that is assault.

Ruined night. Aggressive behaviour. I'd ask him to leave and have a peaceful christmas without him. I would also log his behaviour with the police. Please protect your children -please leave.

Original poster
brusselsproutfan · 23/12/2018 12:14

Thesearmsofmine

He's been aggressive in the past although never hit me or children.
He has head butted the back gate in the garden before and given himself a black eye and we were going on holiday 2 days later.

OP posts:
Chillyegg · 23/12/2018 12:16

Anyone who hurt my child would be out on their arse. Christ kick him out what an utter utter horrible knob. Pack his shit and get him out today. How dare he make your child feel like that

Over50andfab · 23/12/2018 12:17

Sounds like an over reaction on his part and must have been scary for your DC. Had you been arguing before? Why didn’t the DD in the front let him out? And did he have to wait longer than normal to be let out, so thinking you’d forgotten him? Also, how did he hurt your DD by thrusting chips at her? Just trying to get the bigger picture here.

Soubriquet · 23/12/2018 12:18

He should have been let out upon arriving home especially if it was a long trip but nothing warrants that reaction

Your poor dd having to exposed to that.

He is a total arse

gamerchick · 23/12/2018 12:19

It doesn't matter if he's hitting you all or not. He's still abusing them OP.

You need to make sure they're safe and they're not currently. If such a small thing can set him off then where does it end. Eggshells forever for all of you and worse still your kids hooking up with the familier as partners?

Weenurse · 23/12/2018 12:20

What a prick. Is he generally abusive?
Talk to him about this when he calms down and let him know he is on borrowed time if it continues

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 23/12/2018 12:21

Abusive horrible man. You and your kids need to be kept safe from him. He’s escalating.

Original poster
brusselsproutfan · 23/12/2018 12:21

Over50andfab

She just didn't think as it was 11pm and she was tired. She's a teenager.
She was siting on my bed, we all were as we were in my bedroom trying to get away from the situation and he came in and banged then down onto her arms with a force so hurt her. They were still in the paper. I k ow chips aren't heavy but it was the force behind how he did it.
I don't think he was left longer than normal, I unlocked the door, put the lights on, said hello to the dog, and promptly went back out. As I was walking towards front door he was beeping the horn.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/12/2018 12:22

Wow he's horrible, there's no excuse for it

Chillyegg · 23/12/2018 12:22

I would like to add I work with children that are affected by numerous issues including domestic abuse and it’s awful to have to pick the pieces up and see what some children deal with. It’s weong if you allow him in the house anymore and let your children watch that shit.

LloydColeandtheCoconuts · 23/12/2018 12:24

I would agree with pp that protecting your dc is paramount. How are they today? Has your h apologised not that I would have accepted it. I hope you're alright, OP.

Chillyegg · 23/12/2018 12:25

There isn’t any excuse at all for him to do that he’s an adult so fuckin what if he had to wait in the car. Op is not to blame for herpartners abuse. He is horrible twat.

Original poster
brusselsproutfan · 23/12/2018 12:25

I said to him I'm calling the police as I have called the police on him before and he said "you do that, you'll never see me again"

He is over the top and over reacts.

OP posts:
Original poster
brusselsproutfan · 23/12/2018 12:28

If he really wanted he could have climbed into the front and got out my door. I don't know what's wrong with him.
I was going to have to take my DC out all day today so we didn't have to see him, me and DC all slept in my bed last night, we got up and he's not here. Not sure where he is but it's a relief and we haven't had to go out yet.
Eldest DD is upset with him, she said he's mean and horrible.
Youngest is 3 so not as aware.

OP posts:
marvellousnightforamooncup · 23/12/2018 12:29

All those saying you should have let him out straight away need to give their heads a wobble because it looks like they're making excuses for an abuser. OP left him in the car for just a minute or two she didn't leave him behind or forget about him. It in no way warrants that kind of behaviour, nothing does.

Make plans to leave OP and if he does it again call the police. You need to build up a picture of his behaviour with the authorities to show he can be dangerous in case you later have a custody battle.

Over50andfab · 23/12/2018 12:31

Thank you OP. How is he today? FWIW when people post in these situations it is just a tiny snapshot of a whole family life and I hate it when people immediately use the LTB approach.

I think it is was me, I would fully expect him to be apologetic. If he isn’t, and does not see that he has a problem,, then you need to have serious words on where you want to be with this. Either way, he does need to acknowledge that this is not normal and he needs help with anger issues.

ScottyDog7 · 23/12/2018 12:32

I agree he should of been let out of that car when you and your DD got out, not left to wait for you to return to get your sleeping child. But even if you had forgotten to go back for him or waited 30 mins or whatever his reaction was uncalled for. Thrusting chips at anyone let alone a child, and trashing the garden never mind at 11pm... That's not on, totally OTT and cannot happen again. You should have called the police. You should be hopeful that you or your children won't see him again, because he is abuse and it is not safe for you or your children.

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