DH is abusive

[brusselsproutfan]

Last night me DH and 2 DC went to see the Panto. It's expensive so a nice night out.
Had small dinner before we went and picked up some chips to eat on way back to eat at home.
Had a brilliant time up until that point.
I drove with oldest DD in front of car and DH and youngest DD sat in the back. Youngest DD fell asleep and normally I pull up on the drive, unlock front door, go in and say hello to the dog as he goes crazy then come back out and get DD out of car.
My DH started beeping the car horn as I didn't come out quick enough as the car has child locks on the doors so he needed to be let out. I was coming out anyway to lift youngest DD out of car as she was asleep. He was so angry and came in and started shouting at my oldest DD saying she was selfish for not letting him out the car and was really shouting at her. DD started crying so I gave her a hug and DH got even angrier.
He went into kitchen and went to fill up the kettle and banged the lid down on the kettle several times so it's now buckled and doesn't fit on the kettle properly.
He got the chips that were still wrapped in the paper and thrust them really hard into DDs hands and said "go on eat them" he did it with force so he hurt her.
I was very upset by this and told him he's abusive and he went into the garden and started shouting at the top of his voice and we could hear loads of noises where he was throwing stuff about out there.
We were scared and contemplated calling the police as I don't think it's right to be scared in your own home. AIBU to do this?
All over not letting him out the car quick enough.

The fact you are all hiding in your bedroom says it all...

You need to end it and quickly

Headbutting something which gave himself a black eye!

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

He chose to completely overreact, and he still clearly doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

Op, he sounds terrifying. Please, call the police. Ask him to leave. Change the locks. Let your dc start the new year in a house where they don’t feel afraid.

I said to him I'm calling the police as I have called the police on him before and he said "you do that, you'll never see me again"

That sounds like an offer too good to refuse.

I grew up with a parent with anger management issues. Nothing as bad as your ‘D’H, but it’s had a hugely detrimental effect on me that I’m still dealing with in middle age. Please get yor kids away from him.

AcrossthePond55

"It seems so trivial to others......

I don't think it seems trivial to anyone."

It certainly is not trivial. We can all see how painful this is. One person (the adult male in the family) has fucked up your evening out, hurt your dd, made you feel scared and at the same time embarrassed by what happened, and he has told you if you do the one thing that could make you feel safe, he will leave you forever!

He should be ashamed of himself. He is a very sad, selfish man. He probably feels a bit of a failure on the job front so he is asserting his 'power' by frightening his wife and teenage daughter.

He needs help, and you need safety.

"See a solicitor about your financial situation. If he isn't working there will be no child maintenance, but it will be cheaper living without him since he's not contributing anything financially anyway." Completely agree.

"But I will say that it's never worth living in hell just because hell is affordable. If you can't get him out, leave if you can't keep the house."

Very true, you deserve to be safe.

Change the locks. Put his things in a suitcase and leave it outside. Call the police on 101 and tell them you want to report the incident in full.

whiteworld "Change the locks"

Please take legal advice on this. If it is his home too you may not be able to change the locks. I believe you can leave a key on the inside of the lock while you are in or lock the door while at home.

Someone wiser may be able to advise on this.

Run.

My exH was abusive and violent at times towards me. The night he went for my three year old was the end.

I threw him out of our house the following day. I took my dc to my parents and told them what I was about to do. My DM said, it's taken you long enough to make the decision, it's time.

I went home and asked him to leave temporarily, to stay with his parents until we could resolve the issues. He never spent another night under my roof.

Years later my eldest dc said they used to hear the abuse and violence..... It was not the best start in life for them, but life was hard at times afterwards, but it is so much better now.

You have a duty and responsibility to protect your dc.

Statistics show Xmas is the most violent time of year. Don't become another statistic.

Good luck 🤞🏻

Statistics show Xmas is the most violent time of year. Don't become another statistic.
^
This.

Along with major football tournaments. Please get out as soon as you can.^

You’re all hiding from him in your bedroom, and I don’t blame you. Please make sure you’re all safe.

Genuinely, I was talking to my mum just a couple of days ago and she told me she wishes she had left my dad years before she did, but she was worried she was doing the wrong thing and that nobody would believe her - she was ashamed and scared.

I wish she had too. My sibling and I both struggle with mental health issues as adults. Always assuming the worst, an underlying anxiety in any uncertain situation, a constant need for control, inability to regulate emotions or calm ourselves down. All of it coming from his temper and unpredictability and violence when we were kids.

I don't blame my mum. I don't blame my dad. I have a good relationship with both of them now, but only because my mum finally left, and I was able to live in a house with no fear, and my dad was able to work on his issues by himself without the stresses of life with a wife and teenagers adding to it.

Please do really think about what is best for your children.

"THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

He chose to completely overreact, and he still clearly doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

Op, he sounds terrifying. Please, call the police. Ask him to leave. Change the locks. Let your dc start the new year in a house where they don’t feel afraid."

/\ Exactly this!

This is not your fault. Please get help from friends/family/Women's Aid and get a plan in place to leave him. He is abusive and you don't have to put up with it.

you do that, you'll never see me again

That's a promise, not a threat.

And like a PP said, who the hell headbutts a garden gate? That is completely out of control behaviour.

Is he your older daughter's father?

Is there anywhere he could go to?

I wonder why people at his latest job didn't want to keep him on. He might not have told you the truth about that.

I'll never understand how a grown man can scare his own kids like that.
Very sad.
He needs a couple of no nonsense real men to arrive in the middle of one of his 'tantrums'. I'd imagine he'd 'get it together' toot sweet.

You said you're off out - I hope you take yourself and the kids somewhere safe.

So you're going to teach your daughter that the way forward is to accept abusive behaviour, hide away in other parts of the house to avoid a potentially dangerous man, and go out of your own family home even if you don't want to in order to 'let him cool down' kind of approach.

You need to get your children AWAY from this horrible, unstable man because I swear to you, it will turn into violence. But don't be fooled or deluded - it's already damaging your children, have NO doubt about that.

Only YOU can help them and yourself. Do it.

Please leave him NOW. Your children are your priority do not waste one more second with this individual.

I don't get why others are asking about details. It doesn't matter what your DD did, him behaving so aggressively is appalling.

Please know that you and your kids deserve to get away from this volatility and violence.

He has come back to abuse your DD some more and you are still doing fuck all about it?

Well it shows how many fucks you give about your daughter. Poor girl. Shat on by both parents at Christmas.

Get rid of the angry violent man. Call the police.

I cannot believe some of the responses. Victim blaming or what. The op is not to blame in any way shape or form. For all those saying, leave, run - it’s not that simple. She needs a plan. Often the point of separation is the most dangerous time.

OP - I lived on egg shells for years with my husband always fearful his temper would flare up. It was never his fault and there was always a reason. I began to realise that it was abuse and he couldn’t/wouldn’t change. The day he took his fury out on my two children was the day I phoned the police and he has never been back. I still worry I over reacted, am embarrassed in front of neighbours etc etc. But the police recognised it as abuse and we are all better off in a calm and happy home now. Do leave/ask him to leave - he will never accept responsibility ever.

@Ballpark - just because she is a victim of a husband does not absolve her from the responsibility of keeping her children in an environment she knows is dangerous for them.

Her daughters can do absolutely nothing to protect themselves. She can take steps. She could have called the police.

She is not to blame for her husbands actions. She IS very much to blame for not protecting her children.

It is indeed not that simple to leave. But it is entirely possible.

Is she continues to do nothing she is just as culpable as her arsehole husband for the very real damage being done to her children.

I called the police on him before as the situation was out of hand, he had broken my mobile phone by throwing it on the floor and treading on it as I said I was calling the police, I just used my daughters phone instead. He had thrown lots of stuff into the front garden. When the police arrived they took him as he was still very angry and he was in a cell overnight. They said he couldn't come back unless I said it was ok.
He came home the next day very late accompanied by a policeman and he was crying and very sorry etc etc.
I feel annoyed with myself that I could have got rid of him then but didn't.
I told him that the police told me if he does it again her definitely won't be allowed back here. (They didn't I made it up) but wanted to frighten him.

Statistics show Xmas is the most violent time of year. Don't become another statistic.

This, with bells on. The sheer amount of near-identical responses on this thread should give you your answer.