DH is abusive

[brusselsproutfan]

Last night me DH and 2 DC went to see the Panto. It's expensive so a nice night out.
Had small dinner before we went and picked up some chips to eat on way back to eat at home.
Had a brilliant time up until that point.
I drove with oldest DD in front of car and DH and youngest DD sat in the back. Youngest DD fell asleep and normally I pull up on the drive, unlock front door, go in and say hello to the dog as he goes crazy then come back out and get DD out of car.
My DH started beeping the car horn as I didn't come out quick enough as the car has child locks on the doors so he needed to be let out. I was coming out anyway to lift youngest DD out of car as she was asleep. He was so angry and came in and started shouting at my oldest DD saying she was selfish for not letting him out the car and was really shouting at her. DD started crying so I gave her a hug and DH got even angrier.
He went into kitchen and went to fill up the kettle and banged the lid down on the kettle several times so it's now buckled and doesn't fit on the kettle properly.
He got the chips that were still wrapped in the paper and thrust them really hard into DDs hands and said "go on eat them" he did it with force so he hurt her.
I was very upset by this and told him he's abusive and he went into the garden and started shouting at the top of his voice and we could hear loads of noises where he was throwing stuff about out there.
We were scared and contemplated calling the police as I don't think it's right to be scared in your own home. AIBU to do this?
All over not letting him out the car quick enough.

Your husband's behaviour is extremely over the top.
However, if he was beeping the horn as you were walking towards the front door then he obviously wanted you to turn around and let him out. As you ignored him and went inside then returned to let him out then maybe he over reacted because you chose to ignore him.

marvellous

Yes it was literally a minute or two.
He doesn't normally come out with us, I do everything with the children on my own as he never wants to come etc so we are not used to having him in the car anyway.
He has his own vehicle.
Because it's Xmas I booked Panto for everyone. We would have been better off going on our own.
What was a good night, turned into an awful night, what a waste.
It wasn't a long journey was 25 mins by car for people saying he was upset at not being let out of the car as it was a long journey.

Show your daughter that it’s not ok for anyone to treat you like this by leaving him, his behaviour is not exceptable, would you want your daughter to put up with this in a relationship when she’s older? If you let him stay you are showing your dd’s that it’s ok for a man to treat you this way.

68Anon

No he was beeping the horn when I was in the house and I meant walking toward the front door to go back outside.

Leave him - don’t even consider staying with someone who is violent towards your children

Tbh I am surprised a neighbour didn’t call the police, I would if I could hear that coming from my neighbours garden late at night.

The fact he was upset is irrelevant. We all get upset from time to time, it's how we respond that matters. This man is dangerous and unstable (headbutting inanimate objects in anger is a truly deranged act) and will eventually seriously hurt you and/or the kids. He's already causing you and them emotional harm. Please don't just vent it off on here and then carry on. He won't change, other than to get more violent.

you do that, you'll never see me again

That would be the best outcome all round. What on earth are you doing with a man like this ?

Sorry, didn’t see the update...seems like this is a regular occurrence and now he’s gone out, so says it all really

So sorry OP - it’s a shit situation to be in and sounds like he’s a really crap role model for your D.C. I hope you have something fun and relaxing planned for today. As for when he returns....well at the least you should make it very clear that you will not tolerate this sort of behaviour and will do what you can and get support (like from Women’s Aid) to make sure there isn’t a repeat of it. Be prepared for threats that he will never see you again etc and how you will respond to that.

Thesearmsofmine

Yes that is it, it's a semi detached house and both with a single elderly person either side.
I get on well with both.
That's the other thing, it's so embarrassing. I have a Christmas present (biscuits) for neighbour and I was going to knock there with them today or tomorrow I feel so embarrassed to do that now. If I don't it'll be weird as I always get him something every year since he lost his wife.

Well great, if he's going to disappear if you phone the police, 100% do that.

He's got problems. Who head butts a fucking gate??? Get rid of this prick!! Show your DDs what you do when a man treats you like that.

So he’s out of work, doesn’t help with the children and is abusive? Why wouldn’t you LTB?

When he returns from wherever he is, will you be able to say to him that there are repercussions of last night's outburst? He is to offer your eldest a sincere, heartfelt apology and one for you, and there will never be another incident even close to what happened last night. You have serious concerns about his ability to remain civil in the face of the smallest accidental provocation, and any further aggression towards you or the children will be treated as abuse, including whatever legal means necessary to ensure you and your children are protected from him.

If he isn't prepared to listen to you when you spell it out calmly, and if it isn't prepared to try to ensure that home is a safe place, then I'm sorry to say your relationship is doomed and your children are your only priority. Get him out.

He handled it well when he went outside. Shame he didn't do just that.

Testing

He's always worked but hasn't had a job since end of September when his boss retired but he had worked for him since 2001. He started a job beginning of December but it was a weeks trial and after a week they didn't have him back.
He's 50 and said he thinks they prefer someone younger.
So that's it, he has no job. I work though.

My father was like this and it escalated to violence when he punched my mum down the stairs. His response ‘I thought you might like it’ he was an alcoholic and when sober absolutely vile to live with. I have anger issues now and am a pushover and a people pleaser as I’m scared of people blowing up at me. Don’t let your kids grow up in this environment please I have seen the outcome on both me and my brother. Spending your childhood choking back tears, swallowing a lump in your throat and walking on eggshells is horrible. Do you want your kids childhoods to be horrible?

It's not his fault he is unemployed but there is no excuse for abusive behaviour. He is terrorising his children. Do something about it.

Well you are failing to protect your children from a violent man.

If a man on the street treated your daughter like that would you protect her?

Just because he's her father doesn't mean he can. And it doesn't mean you have any less obligation to protect her.

You're a victim here. But that does not mean you have any less of an obligation to protect your daughters. Which you are not currently doing.

Headbutting the gate and his behaviour last night indicate MH problems or at least anger issues, which he needs to seek help for. One person like this can destroy the rest of the families lives, as pps have said.

He needs to accept responsibility and get professional help.

There are really "why didn't you just" comments on this? REALLY??

There are really "why didn't you just" comments on this? REALLY??

I know. Sickening, isn't it?

Change the locks whilst he's out. Your children need protecting from this man.

There’s a lot of minimising and excuses being made about this abusive man. Anyone that hurt one of my DCs would be gone, no second chances.

Assuming that he doesn’t go around shouting at or pushing people in the street he can control his anger. He just chooses to be absuive towards his family. This man is absolute scum and I can’t understand why you haven’t asked him to leave.

So you're leaving him right? Cause that should be the only acceptable outcome of this.

If he was capable enough of getting to the front of the car to use the horn, he was capable enough to climb into a front seat and let himself out of the car. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and those saying 'you should have just let him out' should stop victim blaming.