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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is abusive

132 replies

brusselsproutfan · 23/12/2018 11:58

Last night me DH and 2 DC went to see the Panto. It's expensive so a nice night out.
Had small dinner before we went and picked up some chips to eat on way back to eat at home.
Had a brilliant time up until that point.
I drove with oldest DD in front of car and DH and youngest DD sat in the back. Youngest DD fell asleep and normally I pull up on the drive, unlock front door, go in and say hello to the dog as he goes crazy then come back out and get DD out of car.
My DH started beeping the car horn as I didn't come out quick enough as the car has child locks on the doors so he needed to be let out. I was coming out anyway to lift youngest DD out of car as she was asleep. He was so angry and came in and started shouting at my oldest DD saying she was selfish for not letting him out the car and was really shouting at her. DD started crying so I gave her a hug and DH got even angrier.
He went into kitchen and went to fill up the kettle and banged the lid down on the kettle several times so it's now buckled and doesn't fit on the kettle properly.
He got the chips that were still wrapped in the paper and thrust them really hard into DDs hands and said "go on eat them" he did it with force so he hurt her.
I was very upset by this and told him he's abusive and he went into the garden and started shouting at the top of his voice and we could hear loads of noises where he was throwing stuff about out there.
We were scared and contemplated calling the police as I don't think it's right to be scared in your own home. AIBU to do this?
All over not letting him out the car quick enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
brusselsproutfan · 23/12/2018 15:17

I don't see why I should leave, why should I make myself homeless?
It's a HA property and I will be phoning them and explain the situation. It's already on record that I've called the police before, so I need to think carefully about the situation before I give the house up to him. Why should he get to stay here when I've done nothing wrong?

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 23/12/2018 15:17

It is not trivial.

None of us who understand the dynamics of abuse thinks it is trivial.

Women's Aid can help you make a plan to free yourself from him: 0808 2000 247

Freedom Programme can help you make sense and be able to protect you and your children in the future. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It's free to attend, and nobody there will ever tell you it's trivial or make excuses or blame you - because they understand what he's doing and they understand the impact it has on you and the children.

I really hope you are able to find a way to free yourself from him, because neither you nor your children deserve to live like this and life can be so much better. It really, truly can.

AnoukSpirit · 23/12/2018 15:21

Good luck.

Don't be afraid to call this what it is - domestic violence.

It is bad enough to correctly name it that, and it is bad enough to ask for help from all the organisations that are there to help people in your shoes.

Tistheseason17 · 23/12/2018 15:21

OP - please contact Womens Aid. I think you already have an idea that you and your children are experiencing abuse. It is so important that they do not continue to see this man treat you and them like this as they will think it is normal and repeat this type of relationship when they are older.

I also cannot believe the victim blaming comments - FFS, no way a grown man should be treating his children like this for any reason, let alone he did not get let out of the car quick enough (in his opinion). Also, losing his job is a red herring. OP cites previous examples in the past. The job loss will simply escalate his behaviour,

I do hope you can get support and as PP says, have a plan to leave. One day he won't stop with just a shove...

Handprints2018 · 23/12/2018 15:24

Call the police and get rid. Best outcome all around. He's abusive to you and your children and even himself. He's unpredictable and dangerous for all of you. Maybe next time he'll hit one of you, shove you, strangle you...

If you hide from him you'll be hiding forever, walking on eggshells forever, always wondering when and how he will snap. He's abusive and has anger issues, he doubtless would have found some other slight (in his mind) other than the door opening.

This is his fault, his issue and you can't control it or him. All you can do is protect your children from the abuse, the anger and the nastiness.

Sarahandduck18 · 23/12/2018 15:34

Did the police not make a referral to social services? With any incident of domestic abuse they do here.

Soubriquet · 23/12/2018 15:38

Make your daughters Christmas and kick the bastard out

Back up his stuff and throw him out

Change the locks if you need to

Just get rid

Eliza9917 · 23/12/2018 15:39

His behaviour is unacceptable and you should leave him.

Would it have been so hard to let him out when you got out though? That seems like a very PA act. It doesn't warrant his reaction though. At all.

Although, why he couldn't just open the window and open the door from the outside, I don't know.

VioletCharlotte · 23/12/2018 15:43

I'm so sorry to read this OP. 14 years ago my ex (kids Dad) gave me a black eye two days before Christmas, so I understand exactly how you must be feeling. Please take care of yourself and your children and do reach out to friends and family for support x

VioletCharlotte · 23/12/2018 15:45

I've just read you're a HA tenant. Please speak to your housing officer tomorrow (they'll be open Christmas Eve). They will have plenty of experience of DA and will be able to support you to stay safe and get the help you need (I used to work for a HA).

Isthisit22 · 23/12/2018 15:53

Are you throwing him out?

You seem to be focusing on trivial things like a ruined evening and being embarrassed about giving your neighbours their present. Try to focus on the long term important things like your children's perceptions of a relationship and themselves and kick him out

gottastopeatingchocolate · 23/12/2018 16:03

The police have staff specially trained in Domestic Abuse who would deal with you sensitively with your safety as a priority.

You can get an Occupancy Order to say that you can stay at the home and he has to find somewhere else to be.

VioletCharlotte · 23/12/2018 16:07

Isthisit22 unless you've been where the OP is, you can't begin to understand how she's feeling. It's simply not as easy as just 'LTB' or 'throw him out'. Feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, focusing on things that seem trivial. None of this is unusual.

IAmW0manHearMeRoar · 23/12/2018 16:09

It sounds like he lost his temper and his behaviour is not excusable but unless this has happened more than once then he is not abusive and it's horrific to throw that word around casually over one fall out.

I am not excusing his behaviour which was absolutely out of order but we are all human and I know I've done and said things I regret, if anyone says they haven't then they're lying!

IAmW0manHearMeRoar · 23/12/2018 16:19

Hmm ok I've read your updates and I think you should have mentioned a lot more of it in your OP.
Hope you manage to sort something out calmly for the sake of your kids.
And merry Christmas, try to have a good one. Thanks

Oldraver · 23/12/2018 16:24

Have you read the WHOLE thread IAmWuman ?

PickAChew · 23/12/2018 16:35

Ffs, dh accidentally locked me in the car once. What's worse, I sneezed and set off the car alarm while he was busy in a building across the road.

Somehow, though this may surprise people berating the OP for not letting him out sooner, I managed not to abuse dh for his mistake. I might have rolled my eyes and said something like "thanks for that, you muppet."

toddlepod · 23/12/2018 16:54

Oh Dear God get this man out of your life. My ex husband was like that. Used to walk on eggshells but if he wanted to blow up, he would anyway and just find an excuse.

Sometimes he's scream in my face and bring his fist up as if he was going to punch me, then stop. He just enjoyed seeing me flinch. One day I put my hands up to him in a submissive way and said 'Please, xxxx, just stop' and he WHACKED my hands out of the way and erupted again with 'Don't you DARE raise your hands to me' .... and so it escalated.

It's a bad environment for all of you. Cut him out like cancer.
Make a new and better life without fearing that the day can just be robbed of its joy on the whim of a twisted individual. Don't let his anger ruin Christmas and make 2019 a new start. Good luck. Be brave.

Starlight456 · 23/12/2018 17:13

You need this incident at least recording by the police.

This is for protection of the children . Violence to children do cemented provides far more protection than towards you.

Your dd also needs you to stand up for her.

As for should of opened car door sooner that is victim blaming

YourHandInMyHand · 23/12/2018 17:23

You could call the police now and report last night's incident.

He physically hurt your dd. Sad

Get it on record and tell them he is still angry and you are still scared. Even if you don't want to permanently leave the house could you go somewhere for a short while? Friend? Relative? Another option is get him taken in for last night's outburst and don't let him back in.

Teeandee · 23/12/2018 17:29

I don't think you and the children should go anywhere, least of all at Christmas. It's him that's the problem and him who needs to go.

CatnissEverdene · 23/12/2018 17:31

I hope you are OK today, OP.

I've been thinking of you and your DC. I'd try to phone your housing officer in the morning and see what could happen with your tenancy before making any decisions Flowers

Original poster
brusselsproutfan · 23/12/2018 17:56

Catniss

Yes we've been to the cinema earlier and are now back eating dinner, he isn't here.
My eldest DD has gone to a friends for a sleepover so won't be home until morning. Me and youngest DD are going to a friends in a bit but won't be sleeping there.
The girls knocked on neighbours and gave him his present so that was ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
brusselsproutfan · 23/12/2018 17:59

Teeandee

This is what I think. He has a Camper Van he could easily sleep in it.
I've lived in this house 10 years and am unsure about making myself homeless at Xmas with 2 children one is only 3.

OP posts:
Ourmaud · 23/12/2018 19:15

Op why would you be homeless? You said he doesn’t work so how would he pay the bills? Speak to the police about a non mol order and explain to your housing officer- they have a duty of care to you as a victim of domestic abuse and will definitely not make you homeless. He’s scapegoating your daughter and using her as an excuse for his tantrums. That in itself is abusive. For your kids sake get rid of him before it escalates.

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