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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To (gently) ignore this Christmas gift offer?

152 replies

KittyClaus · 23/12/2018 09:09

DH and I have a lovely and mostly non-loopy family but have a bit of a debate going on about a Christmas ‘gift’ BIL is trying to give us. I’ve said I’ll throw it open to the MN jury (he thinks I’m being a bit unkind, I fear I might be but - obviously - think my points are valid!)

We only have one member of the family who is able to babysit our DC overnight and they have only done so once in four years. A few reasons - we had kids late, so our parents are older, our kids are 4 and 2 so the bed and bath time routine is quite physical, plus my parents love their GC but aren’t exactly proactive so wouldn’t cope if the kids were upset or acted up in any way etc. We’re ok with that, we don’t expect it. We get plenty of time together at other times etc.

We had one wonderful night away in a hotel about six months ago thanks to MIL looking after them, and she has offered to do the same again for our anniversary in July. So this is not a regular thing.

BIL and his wife live in Central London, approx four hours drive from us and somewhere with hideous, expensive parking. Instead of giving us a Christmas present they have told us they want us to come to their house and sleep in their spare room and go to a local restaurant of their choosing (which they will pay for as our present and think is lovely and want to show us).

I like my BIL and SIL and they’re good company, but AIBU to basically say we can’t get childcare for overnight (even if we did an up and back in the day thing to do something similar?) DH thinks we should just suck it up and do it, but I just feel like if we’ve got a full night away then rather than spending it in their spare room (SIL’s son’s room when he’s there) I’d rather spend it just with him (to be fair to him, he says the same, but is very much ‘there will be other times to stay out alone... maybe this time next year.’)

For their gifts the last couple of years we bought them posh meal / afternoon tea vouchers for the two of them to go out in places of their choosing. Never in a million years would I have gone ‘by the way, we’re joining you for your romantic meal’.

AIBU? I know it’s a first world problem up there with ‘my hummus is too harissa-ey’ but having initially tried to politely fob them off when they said it they’ve been back with a bunch of dates already.

OP posts:
spaghettipeppers · 23/12/2018 09:13

YANBU!

ScreamingBadSanta · 23/12/2018 09:13

Would there be any chance of taking your DC, and BIL looking after them while you go out for dinner?

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 23/12/2018 09:14

That's not a gift, is it? 'Here, drive for 4 hours, pay a fortune to park, eat the food we choose for you and then spend the night in our spare room with your disgruntled children before driving home for 4 hours"

What would be a gift of babysitting is them coming to you so that your children are settled in their own beds, leaving you to go out somewhere of your own choice.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 23/12/2018 09:15

Oh god that's worst - I missed the bit about them not wanting to see your DC. Fuck that. No. No. No.

haventkilledtheorchidyet · 23/12/2018 09:15

Yes, on a quick reading I thought they were offering babysitting! YANBU!

ecuse · 23/12/2018 09:16

Say "thanks, that sounds brill, but we can only do it if you can look after the kids while we're out "

flumpybear · 23/12/2018 09:17

It's a lazy way of getting them to visit you - we often pay if family visit us and we go out for a meal - they drive and pay fuel, we put them up and buy dinner

Sparkletastic · 23/12/2018 09:18

That's not a gift. That's a conditional offer of their company. I'd politely decline.

Bluelady · 23/12/2018 09:18

Can't you have a night away on your own as well? See it as a bonus not a substitute.

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/12/2018 09:18

Never in a million years would I have gone ‘by the way, we’re joining you for your romantic meal’. I don't think they're planning to give you a romantic meal, are they? They're giving you a meal out with them.

AllKinds · 23/12/2018 09:19

YANBU! I think they sound lovely trying to do something nice but it's not exactly been thought out. I'd feel the same.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/12/2018 09:19

Just accept but with the proviso it depends on getting childcare. "As you know, MIL has already offered to do the honours for our anniversary which we are very grateful for. I'm not sure we can impose on her twice..."

Agree with your husband that whilst child-free nights are rare, they don't have to be spent alone. Your BIL and SIL are being nice, showing that they enjoy your company and wanting to share a bit of their lives with you. Embrace it.

Funkyslippers · 23/12/2018 09:20

Why not get them to come to you, they can babysit and you get to go out! I bet they politely decline that!

Thesmallthings · 23/12/2018 09:22

No ynbu I would tell them whilst it's kind you just can't do it due to childcare

How ever if they say they will baby sit. I would think about it... go for the meal then boom a hotel for the night

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2018 09:27

I think someone offering to take you out for dinner is a present.

If you were given theatre tickets it wouldn't include parking and overnight stay.

YABU

Enidblyton1 · 23/12/2018 09:28

There would’ve nothing wrong with their gift if you had an easy babysitter lined up - it’s a generous gift.
However, you don’t have a babysitter, so just tell them, ‘sorry, we’d love to come, but we can’t unless we bring the kids and you babysit for us while we have supper.’ If your BIL doesn’t like that idea then perhaps they can find a different present for you.

StoppinBy · 23/12/2018 09:32

I would accept if the two of you were going out to dinner by yourself and they were minding your child for you, otherwise it's a long trip just to go out to tea with someone.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 23/12/2018 09:32

YANBU. That's an invitation to visit not a gift! Say thanks but you can't make it.

ToeToToe · 23/12/2018 09:33

I'd quite like that tbh - going up to London, staying with B/Sil, going for a meal with them etc, but I like doing that sort of thing.

But then, I'm not you, and If you don't, then YANBU. It's not really a proper gift if it causes you stress, you have to do the running around, getting childcare, travelling etc.

If you want to nip in the bud, say well it's a lovely idea, but we just can't get the childcare.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 23/12/2018 09:34

nanny You wouldn't give someone theatre tickets for a show a 5 hour drive from where they live! That would be the worst gift ever!

lottiegarbanzo · 23/12/2018 09:35

It's the sort of thing that would seem lovely to a childless person, or someone with older dcs, or plenty of babysitting.

Would going for lunch, as a day trip, not be a possibility?

Sounds like they've just forgotten the reality of the toddler years.

mommybear1 · 23/12/2018 09:35

YANBU

RangeRider · 23/12/2018 09:36

So you have to drive for hours (plus cost of petrol), fork out for parking there, fork out for babysitter / owe MIL, sleep in someone's (not even) spare room, eat someone else's choice of food with them for company - and that's a gift to who exactly?! Sorry but that's going to visit your relatives and them buying you dinner, it's not a Christmas present! Hmm Your present shouldn't be costing you money!!
Just say you can't arrange a babysitter at the mo / one of your kids is being really clingy and you can't leave them.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/12/2018 09:38

Is there a lovely restaurant near you? Could you suggest that instead, they come to you overnight and go there? Would that seem attractive to them? If not, that sort of makes your point.

TheBaltictriangle · 23/12/2018 09:39

They know that you won't be able to take up on their 'generous' offer dressed up as a Christmas gift. They don't want to buy you a gift but have come up with this idea to save face. I call white elephant.