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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To (gently) ignore this Christmas gift offer?

152 replies

KittyClaus · 23/12/2018 09:09

DH and I have a lovely and mostly non-loopy family but have a bit of a debate going on about a Christmas ‘gift’ BIL is trying to give us. I’ve said I’ll throw it open to the MN jury (he thinks I’m being a bit unkind, I fear I might be but - obviously - think my points are valid!)

We only have one member of the family who is able to babysit our DC overnight and they have only done so once in four years. A few reasons - we had kids late, so our parents are older, our kids are 4 and 2 so the bed and bath time routine is quite physical, plus my parents love their GC but aren’t exactly proactive so wouldn’t cope if the kids were upset or acted up in any way etc. We’re ok with that, we don’t expect it. We get plenty of time together at other times etc.

We had one wonderful night away in a hotel about six months ago thanks to MIL looking after them, and she has offered to do the same again for our anniversary in July. So this is not a regular thing.

BIL and his wife live in Central London, approx four hours drive from us and somewhere with hideous, expensive parking. Instead of giving us a Christmas present they have told us they want us to come to their house and sleep in their spare room and go to a local restaurant of their choosing (which they will pay for as our present and think is lovely and want to show us).

I like my BIL and SIL and they’re good company, but AIBU to basically say we can’t get childcare for overnight (even if we did an up and back in the day thing to do something similar?) DH thinks we should just suck it up and do it, but I just feel like if we’ve got a full night away then rather than spending it in their spare room (SIL’s son’s room when he’s there) I’d rather spend it just with him (to be fair to him, he says the same, but is very much ‘there will be other times to stay out alone... maybe this time next year.’)

For their gifts the last couple of years we bought them posh meal / afternoon tea vouchers for the two of them to go out in places of their choosing. Never in a million years would I have gone ‘by the way, we’re joining you for your romantic meal’.

AIBU? I know it’s a first world problem up there with ‘my hummus is too harissa-ey’ but having initially tried to politely fob them off when they said it they’ve been back with a bunch of dates already.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 23/12/2018 09:39

Yes agree with others, that's not a gift, that's just a visit to family!

rookiemere · 23/12/2018 09:41

What a silly "gift"! No way would I be using a precious nights babysitting to go for a meal at their local restaurant.

PattiStanger · 23/12/2018 09:42

A polite thank you for the offer but I'm sure you'll understand that as we don't have any option for overnight child care we won't be able to come should resolve it without upset. They obviously have a different view on things to you and don't appreciate that it's not soemthing you can do.

But this being MN you will no doubt get posters making increasingly complicated and impractical suggestions on how you might tie yourself in knots to do something you don't want to when a thanks but no thanks would work just as well

Angrybird345 · 23/12/2018 09:43

No way! They are CFs! Stop buying the tightwads nice presents! Your bil is an arse.

Cachailleacha · 23/12/2018 09:44

I would have assumed that the invitation included the children. Many people don't have access to overnight childcare. Why wouldn't you just take the children? It's just dinner at a restaurant and staying at a family member's house.

Bluelady · 23/12/2018 09:46

Cheeky fuckers? Yes, absolute bastards for wanting to buy someone a meal. How very dare they?

PinkOboe · 23/12/2018 09:47

So they’ve invited you to stay for the weekend and will take you out for dinner? 🤷🏼‍♀️ Sounds lovely and a very normal thing to do with ones friends or family

sackrifice · 23/12/2018 09:49

So you do all the work and they get all the glory?

Lolz.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/12/2018 09:49

"DH thinks we should just suck it up and do it"
Really? Suck it up? That's what you do with unpleasant things - this is supposed to be a present! A gift. A NICE THING. Nice things do not need to be sucked up.

No, your BIL&SIL are being totally thoughtless here. I wonder if the are a little bit London-centric? A four hour drive is a PITA, and for a one night stay in their son's bedroom. No, no, no, no, and no again.

And even if they were to babysit whilst you two went out (as some have suggested would be acceptable), I wouldn't subject a 4 year old and a two year old to an eight hour round trip.

Thoughtless. Requires a 'thanks, but no thanks' response.

Awrite · 23/12/2018 09:51

It's the driving 4 hours for a meal that makes it less a gift and more a visit.

It's going to be stressful to organise childcare and, frankly, gifts shouldn't be 'sucked up', they should be enjoyed.

Don't go. Sounds lovely for them - not so much for you.

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/12/2018 09:52

Omg that's the most self centred eogristical gift EVER. Lol

"We are such wonderful company that you should pay for a babysitter, use that rare child free time to drive 4 hours paying for petrol and parking, and sleep in our box room, eat where we want and rush home early in the morning for your dc just so you can bask in the glory that is us! And think yourself lucky!".

Confused
Ethel36 · 23/12/2018 09:53

Just say thank you for the wonderful offer but you can't make it due to lack of child care. It's a nice gesture/offer but it's not an actual gift because they haven't given it to you e.g. vouchers.

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/12/2018 09:53

Egotistical! Fat morning fingers while laughing in amazement at their idea of a gift!

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/12/2018 09:53

Oh and what I meant by London-centric (got distracted) was that you're four hours away and soooo far from the bright lights (in their opinion?) that the idea of a night in central London should have you straining at the bit to join them. Which actually most people would not be.

RandomMess · 23/12/2018 09:54

Sorry that doesn't work for us, the one night baby sitting we have in 2019 DH and I want to spend alone in a hotel having a shag fest and sleeping.

YANBU!

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 23/12/2018 09:55

Why don't they just give you the money and say spend it on the meal? But then spend it on whatever you want.

cushioncuddle · 23/12/2018 09:57

I think they are actually trying to do something really nice.

They want you to try a restaurant that they love. They like your company and want to spend time with you. They actually see spending time together as something special. They could go themselves anytime. They don't need you there to go.

To them this is a gift they would very much like to receive from you so think you'd like it too.

Why don't you ask your MIL if she could have your children overnight as well as for your anniversary ?

I'd actually like to receive that gift or at least be touched that they wanted to do something nice for and with me.

I arranged an escape room for us and my B and SIL for Christmas last year. It was great fun, something different and made us do something together as time slips by and we don't see each other for ages. It didn't occur to me that I was being cheeky coming too. It was meant as a fun evening out. We followed it up with a meal and few drink.

If your MIL won't babysit then rethink the gift and perhaps make it clear to them that it is dependant on childcare.

Alicatz66 · 23/12/2018 10:00

If they were offering to babysit the DC it would be nice ... but not otherwise ..

Alicatz66 · 23/12/2018 10:01

YANBU

BottleOfJameson · 23/12/2018 10:03

If my relatives travelled 5 hours to come visit me I would take them out for a meal and definitely would not consider it a gift!

Inertia · 23/12/2018 10:07

I would frame a response in terms of an expectation that the children will be joining you - restaurant nee staff to be booked for 5pm as that’s the children’s dinner time, have they got enough bedding for all four of you, etc.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/12/2018 10:07

YANBU - their gift is all about them, what they want - they want to take you to a restaurant THEY choose because THEY like it and want you to try it.
They don't want your DC to come too because that would change what THEY want to do.
And they want you to drive 4 hours each way to accommodate their wishes??

Errr, no.

You're not being unkind at all - you're being realistic and they're idiots.

bellabasset · 23/12/2018 10:10

I no longer drive 250 plus miles to London as my dsis no longer gets cheap visitors parking permits. Wandsworth so no congestion charge.

Your BIL hasn't really thought it through has he or fully taken your circumstances into account. It would probably cost more in petrol and parking than the meal costs for a start. DH needs to explain that lovely as it would be its impractical.

Grannyannex · 23/12/2018 10:13

Text them ‘I’ve been thinking about your kind offer. Is there any chance we could opt for a nice meal local to us? I don’t have the energy to drive 4 hours there and back the next day

ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 10:15

Not much of a 'gift' if you ask me! 4 hours drive each way just to go for dinner, at a place not of your choice, expensive parking, no childcare ... I guess they're expecting you to decline. Either turn it down, telling them why it doesn't work for you, or if you want a gentler approach say you will meet them halfway (with your kids) at a place of YOUR choice, for which they can pay. Or take the kids, they babysit while you and DH go out for your 'gift' meal. If I were you I'd just decline it for the reasons you've given, say you'd prefer to take the DCs out locally, nice place would cost XXX ... so they can pay for that?