To (gently) ignore this Christmas gift offer?

[KittyClaus]

DH and I have a lovely and mostly non-loopy family but have a bit of a debate going on about a Christmas ‘gift’ BIL is trying to give us. I’ve said I’ll throw it open to the MN jury (he thinks I’m being a bit unkind, I fear I might be but - obviously - think my points are valid!)

We only have one member of the family who is able to babysit our DC overnight and they have only done so once in four years. A few reasons - we had kids late, so our parents are older, our kids are 4 and 2 so the bed and bath time routine is quite physical, plus my parents love their GC but aren’t exactly proactive so wouldn’t cope if the kids were upset or acted up in any way etc. We’re ok with that, we don’t expect it. We get plenty of time together at other times etc.

We had one wonderful night away in a hotel about six months ago thanks to MIL looking after them, and she has offered to do the same again for our anniversary in July. So this is not a regular thing.

BIL and his wife live in Central London, approx four hours drive from us and somewhere with hideous, expensive parking. Instead of giving us a Christmas present they have told us they want us to come to their house and sleep in their spare room and go to a local restaurant of their choosing (which they will pay for as our present and think is lovely and want to show us).

I like my BIL and SIL and they’re good company, but AIBU to basically say we can’t get childcare for overnight (even if we did an up and back in the day thing to do something similar?) DH thinks we should just suck it up and do it, but I just feel like if we’ve got a full night away then rather than spending it in their spare room (SIL’s son’s room when he’s there) I’d rather spend it just with him (to be fair to him, he says the same, but is very much ‘there will be other times to stay out alone... maybe this time next year.’)

For their gifts the last couple of years we bought them posh meal / afternoon tea vouchers for the two of them to go out in places of their choosing. Never in a million years would I have gone ‘by the way, we’re joining you for your romantic meal’.

AIBU? I know it’s a first world problem up there with ‘my hummus is too harissa-ey’ but having initially tried to politely fob them off when they said it they’ve been back with a bunch of dates already.

Or go and take your child

Personally I would take them up on dinner if they are paying and have a nice time with them. Then book a nice hotel in the area somewhere. That depends on money though! I think paying for a nice meal is a nice present but I also totally see why you don’t want to spend the whole time with other people in their house!

You should never give presents which make life difficult for the receiver. So, no!

(One point though - your elderly babysitter can't help because bath time is too difficult? Just skip the bath for an evening!)

A house swap, where they come to yours and babysit, and you go to theirs and eat wherever and do whatever you like in London, just the two of you, would be a much better "gift". YANBU to decline their current offer.

Are you anywhere near one of those "Luxury Family Hotels"/ hotel that offers baby-listening? Other chains are available... If the children are 2 and 4 you aren't tied down by school hols so maybe you could all meet up for a night at one of those instead (probably cheaper).

If you could afford it, I think I would book yourselves into a large hotel room with the children and organise an agency babysitter for a few hours.

I do love a good restaurant but not one that entails an 8 hour drive compounded by worrying how 2 pre-schoolers are coping overnight under the care of a virtual stranger.

It won't feel like it now, but children soon grow up and you will be able to reclaim your social life.

YANBU AT ALL. That is not a gift.

It's not much of a gift at all. Probably well intentioned but quite thoughtless really. I think I'd thank them politely for the offer but say that unfortunately it would be quite difficult for you at the moment so possibly something to consider when the dc are older.

It's not really much of an offer of a present. They'd be better off giving you vouchers for somewhere local to you, you could go in the day maybe while the kids are at nursery/school

The only 'gift' part of this is the meal. And even then that's a stretch...in my family, if someone comes to visit you, you feed them - whether that's cooking at home or going out for a meal and paying for them. And for this 'gift' - you have to pay petrol and parking? And spend 8 hours in a car? Nah. That's a visit, not a gift. But surely all of this is mute if you can't get anyone to babysit?

How about a suggestion - if Bil wants to treat you to a dinner out, why don't you suggest to him that he could pay for a meal out in your town/city (so you don't have to drive and pay parking etc). and he could stay in your place while babysitting/looking after his niece/nephew? That would be a present. What he is currently suggesting isn't. It just isn't, no matter how much your DH wants to dress it up as such.

Well, it's true that you can't go because you don't have childcare.

Clearly the most awful In-Laws in the world!

I think you should decline in the spirit of most of these replies.

It'll make sure they never offer anything/get you a gift ever again.

Well, it's true that you can't go because you don't have childcare.

They haven't even asked!

Maybe MiL already knows of the idea and would be willing?

I cant see where it says the kids aren't welcome too. Can someone point it out for me please. I'm quite tired and not seeing it.

I cant see where it says the kids aren't welcome too.

No, I can't hence my earlier post. I wondered if I'd missed something, but I've reread the post twice and can't see it.

They haven't even asked!

They've had childcare once in four years and have another time "booked in" for their anniversary. Childcare is clearly a very, very scarce resource, only to be used for very special occasions. (I'm in the same situation, so I know what it's like.) They're already spending money and time on driving and parking. This whole thing is just so much more trouble than it's worth. And it's sure as hell not a "present"!

ScreamingBadSanta I've been on the first post for for ten minutes 🤔

Not trying to compete with you or anything, but we have a serious lack of childcare. Overnight care is gold dust. We’ve had overnight care for our children twice in their lives (the eldest is now 10, so an average of once every 5 years). I’d not be using it up for a meal in a restaurant I didn’t love and to crash on a blow up mattress in a little kids room. I’d want a full on 5 star hotel and dinner and a show/club. An amazing present to me from in laws would be to have my kids overnight. I can go for dinner anytime.

Your family are trying to do something nice but this ‘gift’ just doesn’t work for your current family circumstances. You don’t have to ‘suck it up’ just say a polite no thank you, it’s a lovely offer but you won’t be accepting.

I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than drive for 4 hours up to central London, pay a fortune for parking, eat in a posh restaurant that wasnt my choice and then be crammed into a spare bedroom overnight without my own bathroom, YANBU

Aside from anything else, we can have a nice meal locally for £50-60 and that is also the cost of petrol in my car for an 8 hour drive.

A.proper gift would be. Drive down and leave the children with us. You go out and have a good evening and come back and sleep here or alternatively book yourselves into a hotel for for the night .Paying for your meal and providing. Babysitting would be generous. The ' gift' they are giving you is a joke.

That doesn't sound like a gift, it sounds like a demand, especially as they are trying to force you to pick dates. I'd say thank you very much but the cost and logistics of arranging it are too difficult. If your DH wants to go alone maybe that will satisfy your BIL/SIL's desire to show off (ahem, I mean entertain...).

Hello again and thanks for the replies - vaguely reassured a lot of people understand where I’m coming from.

To answer a few queries (trust me to write an epic post and still not quite manage to get my point across!):

• definite understanding of the invite is that (a) it would be a child free evening and (b) end in their house with us sleeping over [they moved into their new flat this year and are keen for us to stay over. It’s REALLY not child friendly for any length of time so not an option for the DC to join and the offer hasn’t been extended].

• they are lovely and not usually cheeky. I’m sure this is an invite from a place of kindness, but possible thoughtlessness. They’re very London focused and see where we live as ‘the sticks’ (they’re not wrong!) so think they’re taking us to somewhere nicer than we’d get around where we live without thinking of the practicalities.

I am also aware that my views on this may be coloured by the fact that if we’re having a second night away from the kids I’d like to spend it somewhere where we can have non-silent sex!

DH not keen on eight hour round trip for food during the day - we could go to the restaurant they want for lunch but it’s not a child friendly restaurant so MIL would still have to have them. It’s doable though so I might lobby / volunteer to do the driving if DH insists we should do it. Re: asking MIL to do an extra overnight, she has a lot of caring responsibilities in the family and has to plan things a way in advance (hence us booking us in for July already!) so we try not to take the piss by asking for too much.

Kolo Sun 23-Dec-18 11:24:03
Not trying to compete with you or anything, but we have a serious lack of childcare. Overnight care is gold dust.

Our kids are Adults now. I can't remember a even a single time we had overnight care.

[Rural Australia]