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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To (gently) ignore this Christmas gift offer?

152 replies

KittyClaus · 23/12/2018 09:09

DH and I have a lovely and mostly non-loopy family but have a bit of a debate going on about a Christmas ‘gift’ BIL is trying to give us. I’ve said I’ll throw it open to the MN jury (he thinks I’m being a bit unkind, I fear I might be but - obviously - think my points are valid!)

We only have one member of the family who is able to babysit our DC overnight and they have only done so once in four years. A few reasons - we had kids late, so our parents are older, our kids are 4 and 2 so the bed and bath time routine is quite physical, plus my parents love their GC but aren’t exactly proactive so wouldn’t cope if the kids were upset or acted up in any way etc. We’re ok with that, we don’t expect it. We get plenty of time together at other times etc.

We had one wonderful night away in a hotel about six months ago thanks to MIL looking after them, and she has offered to do the same again for our anniversary in July. So this is not a regular thing.

BIL and his wife live in Central London, approx four hours drive from us and somewhere with hideous, expensive parking. Instead of giving us a Christmas present they have told us they want us to come to their house and sleep in their spare room and go to a local restaurant of their choosing (which they will pay for as our present and think is lovely and want to show us).

I like my BIL and SIL and they’re good company, but AIBU to basically say we can’t get childcare for overnight (even if we did an up and back in the day thing to do something similar?) DH thinks we should just suck it up and do it, but I just feel like if we’ve got a full night away then rather than spending it in their spare room (SIL’s son’s room when he’s there) I’d rather spend it just with him (to be fair to him, he says the same, but is very much ‘there will be other times to stay out alone... maybe this time next year.’)

For their gifts the last couple of years we bought them posh meal / afternoon tea vouchers for the two of them to go out in places of their choosing. Never in a million years would I have gone ‘by the way, we’re joining you for your romantic meal’.

AIBU? I know it’s a first world problem up there with ‘my hummus is too harissa-ey’ but having initially tried to politely fob them off when they said it they’ve been back with a bunch of dates already.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/12/2018 11:37

DH needs to just no it doesn't work for you.

BIL and SIL haven't thought it through, I would laugh and say it's just not feasible due to childcare, distance, cost and the desire to shag on a rare child free night!!!

AWishForWingsThatWork · 23/12/2018 11:38

I wouldn't waste a very rare (only second one!) overnight babysitting favour on such a 'gift'. I'd want to do something i want to do with my husband, like you say.

It's not really a gift: the bulk of the burden will lie on you and your husband: hours of driving, expensive parking, a small guest room next to your SIL / BIL, then hours of driving home ...

I get that they think they're being nice, but they only have to sit in their new home and wait for you to arrive, then go have a nice meal, the watch you have to pack back up and go.

I wouldn't waste such an incredibly rare favour on this proposal, but that's me.

Ilikeknitting · 23/12/2018 11:39

I think you need to be blunt.
Tell them you have no chance of taking them up on their offer as you have no overnight childcare, and lovely as their offer is, if you get the chance for a child free night, you do not want to spend 4 hours driving to stop in their spare room!

If they don’t understand, that’s their problem, not yours.

TheMaddHugger · 23/12/2018 11:42

I'm somewhat used to driving long distances, but 4 hrs each way would make me pause and think .. Do I really want that expensive dinner ?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/12/2018 11:45

Bear in mind that if you do go along with this to avoid offending them there's a risk they'll think they've hit on a winning gift idea and repeat it! I mean they obviously see this as a gift of child free time for you two to enjoy a fancy London restaurant and a wonderful opportunity for you all to catch up Wink.

Cornettoninja · 23/12/2018 11:46

I would have to decline and use childcare as the reason.

I don’t think people understand how precious a night off is when they’re rarer than hens teeth (three years and counting here). I wouldn’t relish the thought of losing the opportunity for a proper grown up night with my dp to someone else’s choice, which is what this is. Never mind the added journey etc.

Yulebealrite · 23/12/2018 11:47

I'm on your team. Lovely offer though it is, it's not worth taking up. I'd just tell them the truth. That the one child free night you are able to have needs to be a romantic break as you need it to reconnect as a couple and it's important for your relationship. And say that you are sure they will understand this.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 23/12/2018 11:48

Ilikeknitting agree.

Tell them this.

FrankieChips · 23/12/2018 11:51

YANBU This sounds like a really weird present. Can’t they just offer it without saying it’s your Christmas present?

EmeraldShamrock · 23/12/2018 11:59

Yanbu. I usually appreciate most presents as thoughtful. This is a very thoughtless present.
Could they invite your DC to theirs in your place, you have a cosy time at home with DH. Now that would be a great present.

Jaxhog · 23/12/2018 11:59

That's not a gift, is it? 'Here, drive for 4 hours, pay a fortune to park, eat the food we choose for you and then spend the night in our spare room with your disgruntled children before driving home for 4 hours

This is it really. I would come up with a white lie that youve already made arrangements for your anniversary. Don't give them details, just say it's already arranged and you don't really need to do anything else.

Tough one, though.

Aridane · 23/12/2018 11:59

What utter cunts - extending hospitality to you in their new place and paying for a special meal.

Petalflowers · 23/12/2018 12:02

Can’t they just send you a Loch Fyne gift voucher?

BlackCatSleeping · 23/12/2018 12:06

I understand. It's a nice thought, but not very practical.

Aridane
What utter cunts - extending hospitality to you in their new place and paying for a special meal.

Well, someone woke up on the wrong side of bed today! Shock

Rachel0Greep · 23/12/2018 12:10

They really haven't thought through the practicalities at all.

It's a nice idea BUT it's really not feasible when you factor in child care, long drive etc. I think I would be honest with them, and say childcare is an issue. Because it is.
The problem with 'sucking it up' is, they then think they have found a great gift idea and repeat it. If they really wanted to treat you, a gift of a meal at a local restaurant or a voucher towards a hotel stay would be far better.

momomia · 23/12/2018 12:12

Its not even a lovely idea tbh - it's more of a cop out like they can't be bothered to think of an actual present! What is the actual gift part of you driving for hours, sleeping in a spare room full of someone else's bits and bobs, eating in a restaurant you haven't chosen whilst worrying about your dc's?!

AuntMarch · 23/12/2018 12:18

I wouldn't travel four hours each way for a one night stay unless it was something big like a wedding/"big" birthday/funeral etc.

RCohle · 23/12/2018 12:20

I think it's a well intentioned idea they just haven't thought through the practicalities.

I find a lot of people in central London think staying with them is a massive treat...

Kolo · 23/12/2018 12:21

@themadhugger 😱 it’s awful. I’m so grateful for the couple of nights I’ve had. It’s an issue for people these days, when it’s pretty normal to live so far away from any family, or having children later means there’s no childcare option with parents. As a child, we spent every Friday night at my grandma’s house so my parents could have a night off. But by the time I had kids my mum had died and my dad was too elderly. I’m reliant on friends and babysitters, who don’t generally want to have my kids overnight 😬. I’ve had nights and weekends while my OH stays at home, but it would be lovely to have some couple time!

Xenadog · 23/12/2018 12:21

That ‘gift’ hs included some thought but not enough and they haven’t considered your position.
Just tell them you won’t be able to accept their ‘gift’ due to no childcare but if they want to give you a gift, one of them could have your children for a night so you can go out with your DH.

I wonder what they will say to that.

BBCONEANDTWO · 23/12/2018 12:22

Only go if you can take the kids with you I don't think YABU.

It's a bit cheeky of them - why can't they just get you a bloody present - or buy you a gift voucher for a fancy restaurant in your area.

ThanosSavedMe · 23/12/2018 12:24

Just tell them thanks, lovely idea but not feasible due to childcare and travel

SantasBassoon · 23/12/2018 12:25

It's the sort of thing that would be arranged as a matter of course in most families, I'd imagine. Visit, go out for dinner, sleep in their spare room. That's standard, and presenting it as a gift does seem a bit weird and self-centred of your BIL - "Here is the gift of a taste of our life."

Bluesmartiesarebest · 23/12/2018 12:36

Does BIL have children of his own? You mention SIL’s DS but I’m guessing he’s a stepdad who hasn’t been through the baby and toddler stages of parenthood? You need to explain that overnight childcare for lively DCs of 4 and 2 is a huge ask of MIL and is only available once a year.

Hissy · 23/12/2018 12:36

I agree there is no malice in this invitation, if I were you I’d thank them for such a generous offer, but that you won’t be able to take them up on it for a while to come yet, until the kids are much older and can go on sleepovers somewhere. Ask for a rain check for the time being.