To (gently) ignore this Christmas gift offer?

[KittyClaus]

DH and I have a lovely and mostly non-loopy family but have a bit of a debate going on about a Christmas ‘gift’ BIL is trying to give us. I’ve said I’ll throw it open to the MN jury (he thinks I’m being a bit unkind, I fear I might be but - obviously - think my points are valid!)

We only have one member of the family who is able to babysit our DC overnight and they have only done so once in four years. A few reasons - we had kids late, so our parents are older, our kids are 4 and 2 so the bed and bath time routine is quite physical, plus my parents love their GC but aren’t exactly proactive so wouldn’t cope if the kids were upset or acted up in any way etc. We’re ok with that, we don’t expect it. We get plenty of time together at other times etc.

We had one wonderful night away in a hotel about six months ago thanks to MIL looking after them, and she has offered to do the same again for our anniversary in July. So this is not a regular thing.

BIL and his wife live in Central London, approx four hours drive from us and somewhere with hideous, expensive parking. Instead of giving us a Christmas present they have told us they want us to come to their house and sleep in their spare room and go to a local restaurant of their choosing (which they will pay for as our present and think is lovely and want to show us).

I like my BIL and SIL and they’re good company, but AIBU to basically say we can’t get childcare for overnight (even if we did an up and back in the day thing to do something similar?) DH thinks we should just suck it up and do it, but I just feel like if we’ve got a full night away then rather than spending it in their spare room (SIL’s son’s room when he’s there) I’d rather spend it just with him (to be fair to him, he says the same, but is very much ‘there will be other times to stay out alone... maybe this time next year.’)

For their gifts the last couple of years we bought them posh meal / afternoon tea vouchers for the two of them to go out in places of their choosing. Never in a million years would I have gone ‘by the way, we’re joining you for your romantic meal’.

AIBU? I know it’s a first world problem up there with ‘my hummus is too harissa-ey’ but having initially tried to politely fob them off when they said it they’ve been back with a bunch of dates already.

I would expect my children to be invited as well. End of. Go by train, much more fun when kids are small as you can occupy them.

But the children are not invited!

It’s quite patronizing actually, you do all the leg work of arranging childcare, pay for travel and parking and you can stay with us and eat with us. We are such a catch.

You know what, it's a shame you don't know me because I love just outside of London and I'd babysit your cuties so it worked out - you could make a whole trip of it because there's all sorts to do near here. I hope you find a solution, OP.

I think that sounds really controlling and weird. I can’t imagine how that’s deemed a gift!
Sorry I’m not being helpful with my comments but I’d decline as politely as I could. Good luck

It would be better if they came to your house and looked after the children for the night whilst you went to a fairly local restaurant and hotel.
I totally agree that the only reason it is worth the huge amount of effort involved in leaving the children, is a proper night away just the two of you. Not having to socialise with other people or bunking down on a put me up.

That's not a gift!

Why don't the kids go out for the meal too?

i thought the point was they would babysit while you went out
so
take kids too but leave them all at home while you go to meal

They want you to travel four hours to have dinner with them without your kids. I would say no thanks. If I wanted to go to London I’d arrange it my self. The real present would be them travelling four hours to you to babysit and you going somewhere you choose to go.

YANBU! That’s such a stupid gift considering you’ve got lovely things for them in the past. Plus it gives you the headache of getting over night child care. I would have a similar problem if someone did it to me. Thoughtless. I’d just say “great thanks but we will have to find overnight child care and that’s difficult so we’ll Get back to you”. Then keep avoiding the issue until it’s next Christmas & it gets forgotten!!

Any chance they don't, on some level, expect you to redeem the gift? The enjoyable part sounds very small in comparison to investment of time, travel, childcare logistics etc.

Do you have to drive into London? Taking a train could be quite a nice thing to do together? I live in London and would never drive into the centre. You could do there and back in a day that way too.

@RandomMess think that’s out of order. You aren’t the only one who hasn’t had time away without family. If it’s coming to who has had least time away, I never had any overnight time away with just me and dh until youngest (of 4 dcs) was 17, so I think in comparison to me you’ve had it pretty good!! I actually had children because I wanted them, so thought it was up to me and dh to bring them up, not that I had any free child care anyway. My husband used to work 8 till 4.30, then came home to dinner on table and children fed as I worked 5.15 till 10! Think 15 minutes crossover!!! Then after that job I worked night shift. So in response to your inference that I had plenty of childcare and got away without dc don’t presume what you don’t know.

I don’t think that it’s a good present. You will need to make a huge effort to get the gift part (meal at the restaurant). You might not even like it. It just not worth it for me.

And I agree with PPs, it’s not a gift it’s just an invite to visit relatives which is a normal thing in most families.

Like Hissy I think a polite response is "thanks, we'll take a rain check until the children are older" and just leave it there.

Uhh thanks.

Perhaps they just forgot to buy you a present or couldn't think what to get, so in desperation came up with the idea.It's not a present !

Maybe they are banking on you thinking an 8hr round trip for a meal and sleeping in a box room is madness 😁

It’s a way of saving a bit of cash at Christmas whilst appearing generous

Haha, this is ridiculous. I'd (hypothetically) pay to get OUT of that situation, never mind valuing it as a gift!

That’s nuts. I remember getting gig tickets to a band in Glasgow from an old friend. Nice idea but my DP and I lived in Birmingham. By the time we’d paid for train tickets, a night in a hotel, and meals, that attraction of £30 tickets to see a band I wasn’t even that bothered about had completely work off.

When my kids were little someone gave us tickets to a jazz club. We had no one to babysit, my husband was working away from home at the time and I really don’t like jazz. I just sold them on in the end.

It’s four hours drive away!

They are ridiculous. Unfortunately quite a lot of people who live in London seem to think the rest of the country revolves around the capital and we are all pressing our noses against the glass, desoerate to be let in.

That’s not a gift, it’s a load of hassle. YANBU..

Bit of a strange present to get anyone with the 'conditions' they've slapped on it.

sorry, we’d love to come, but we can’t unless we bring the kids and you babysit for us while we have supper.’ If your BIL doesn’t like that idea then perhaps they can find a different present for you.

This