To (gently) ignore this Christmas gift offer?

[KittyClaus]

DH and I have a lovely and mostly non-loopy family but have a bit of a debate going on about a Christmas ‘gift’ BIL is trying to give us. I’ve said I’ll throw it open to the MN jury (he thinks I’m being a bit unkind, I fear I might be but - obviously - think my points are valid!)

We only have one member of the family who is able to babysit our DC overnight and they have only done so once in four years. A few reasons - we had kids late, so our parents are older, our kids are 4 and 2 so the bed and bath time routine is quite physical, plus my parents love their GC but aren’t exactly proactive so wouldn’t cope if the kids were upset or acted up in any way etc. We’re ok with that, we don’t expect it. We get plenty of time together at other times etc.

We had one wonderful night away in a hotel about six months ago thanks to MIL looking after them, and she has offered to do the same again for our anniversary in July. So this is not a regular thing.

BIL and his wife live in Central London, approx four hours drive from us and somewhere with hideous, expensive parking. Instead of giving us a Christmas present they have told us they want us to come to their house and sleep in their spare room and go to a local restaurant of their choosing (which they will pay for as our present and think is lovely and want to show us).

I like my BIL and SIL and they’re good company, but AIBU to basically say we can’t get childcare for overnight (even if we did an up and back in the day thing to do something similar?) DH thinks we should just suck it up and do it, but I just feel like if we’ve got a full night away then rather than spending it in their spare room (SIL’s son’s room when he’s there) I’d rather spend it just with him (to be fair to him, he says the same, but is very much ‘there will be other times to stay out alone... maybe this time next year.’)

For their gifts the last couple of years we bought them posh meal / afternoon tea vouchers for the two of them to go out in places of their choosing. Never in a million years would I have gone ‘by the way, we’re joining you for your romantic meal’.

AIBU? I know it’s a first world problem up there with ‘my hummus is too harissa-ey’ but having initially tried to politely fob them off when they said it they’ve been back with a bunch of dates already.

I don't think you should waste your precious alone time with Dh for hours of driving, a meal out and then a stay in someone's spare room! Definitely be polite but honest about childcare being a precious resource and now just isn't the right time for this particular gift. If they're reasonable they'll understand.

I don't buy the whole 'It has to be a childfree overnighter or forget it' stance. No one is entitled to overnight childcare. Plenty of us didn't get overnighters when our kids were little unless we paid for the childcare. It's a bit of a PITA, but it passes. It's not forever and it goes fast.

The driving 8 hours in one day for a meal, though, nope.

Just tell them it's a nice offer but unfortunately it's too far to travel at present and you'll take a rain cheque on it.

No BIL, a gift from you to us is supposed to be about us not about you

There, that should do it!

I agree that gifts are not really gifts if they require a lot of effort from the recipient to organise something that they wouldn't have chosen to do anyway.

If you don't want to but don't want to cause a fuss then say something like "I can't, but maybe DH would love to" and leave them to organise it amongst themselves. Or pick a date late next year, never mention it again and hope that they forget, or have a child come down with a temperature/cough/vomiting virus a few days beforehand so they have time to cancel the restaurant.

This is like those experience vouchers... I had one for my 40tj....lived in Cornwall... Every single expericne needed at least an 8 hour round trip....

Nice, but thoughtless gift..

Just be honest. It's not practical or affordable to spend so much time away from DC. Nice offer but won't work for us.

If you go they will say it went well and organise another.

YABU it is a well intentioned invitation to spend the weekend with them while they treat you to dinner out in a fancy restaurant.

Ask mil to babysit and live a little!

PS probably easier to go by train than drive?

If yuor BIL is offering you a Christmas present then it's his choice but I think it is 100% fair of you to say that you cannot accept it because

You cannot get overnight child care so there is no way you can come up to London and stay without kids.

and

If you could get overnight childcare you would rather go away for the weekend with your dh to a hotel. So coming to stay without the kids is not an option.

Thank them kindly but say it will need to wait until the kids are adults before you can come and go out for a posh meal without kids (laugh) it's a date for 2034!

Or buy them a voucher for a meal close to you and add a note suggesting you swap vouchers!

It sounds like they are proud of their new flat and want to show it off. They like their local posh restaurant/fancy whatever and they think you are missing out by being in the sticks.

That's all fine and dandy and I'd love that gift because my in laws will take the kids for the weekend. So to me it's lovely BUT the key bit is what is right for you.

My kids are 8 and 14 and dd did not stay away from us overnight until they were at least 3, in fact ds did not stay away from us until he was 7. So really it is what is right for you.

(Now I really want to know what the restaurant is! But that might be revealing!)

This "gift" really is not much of a gift for you and your DH. I know you say BIL & SIL think they are offering you something nice, but they haven't thought about it from your point of view. Driving all that way, paying for expensive parking & sleeping in a teenager's room all for a free meal, which might well be wonderful, but I think seems like far too much effort just for a meal out. Plus you have the problem of who is going to look after your DC. I would thank them for their kind and thoughtful offer, but say it won't work on a practical level and say you would prefer the type of gift you give them, i.e. a voucher for a meal or afternoon tea or a family day out, that doesn't rely on you having to get babysitters and drive miles.

Sounds to me as if it's more to show off their new flat, but whatever.

I'd just reply "Lovely offer, but unfortunately we don't have childcare to get away overnight" and leave it at that. They can either offer to watch your children (unlikely) or reply "Oh, that's too bad, it would have been fun" and think up something else for a gift.

The 4 hour drive wouldn't bother me for an overnight. But round trip in the same day? Nope.

YANBU, that's not a Christmas present, that's an offer of a meal on their terms, at great cost/hassle to you. Politely say no thanks it's not practical, but if they come to you you know a fab place they could take you. I bet they turn down that idea pretty quickly, which will show what a self centred offer it was

This is a gift for them, not you. I'd decline politely. x

Are you sure they don't intend to babysit whilst you are at the restaurant - you say it's not child friendly but for one night I'm sure you can make it work. We've done similar for my sil and we had their dc and dropped off

That's a bloody shit 'gift'. Why can't they drive half way and meet you in a nice country pub with the kids?

Ask mil to babysit and live a little!

You sound like someone with access to childcare. If they haven't had more than one night away in four years, it's probably because babysitting hasn't been offered very often and they haven't been able to ask for it, for various reasons. OP says MIL has caring responsibilities. It's not always as easy as "ask MIL to babysit"! And your definition of"living a little" is, well, your definition...

I wouldn't be travelling 4 hours for any fucking meal. They clearly have not took you and your children into so consideration.

Why would anyone drive to central London. Train + tube surely?

They just want you to go out for the evening with them? I dont see the problem as such - aside from the fact you need a babysitter....... and the long drive is a pain so it should be their treat. I would probably invite them to you and eat at home ? could be a compromise.

I think it is a lovely idea, they are trying to give you a nice day out. Staying and eating out in London is not exactly cheap so they probably think this would be a real treat for you. I disagree with those saying this isn’t really a present, yes it is and certainly not a cheap one.
YABU to not want to go, you will have plenty of other times to get away with your dh as the children get older.
Accept and enjoy.

@Chucky16 are you for real???

My youngest is 13...

We have had 3 nights away alone in 17 years!!!!

We don't all have overnight childcare available to us!!

The cost of fuel and parking will be as much as their share of the meal

Just wanted to throw out there that it is ok for kids to skip the bath one night to make babysitting easier.

This excursion doesn’t sound like how I would want to use precious babysitting either, but I get the family dynamics of trying to make it work. Not sure what I would do.

Sorry inlaws but we would not leave our dc over Xmas time. You are welcome to visit us though.

Em . What about saying “No thanks. It doesn’t suit “. Problem solved.

YANBU! An offer to allow you to take a 10h round trip to double date where they decide? Especially with no thought for your DC childcare. Nope, I wouldn't consider that a gift. I thought gifts were supposed to be thoughtful