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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asked me not to send him a Xmas card next year

169 replies

Loletta · 22/12/2018 21:13

Felling a bit puzzled and would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to feel like this.
I sent Christmas cards last week. Tonight my DS went out with his friends and asked me to pick him up and give his friend a lift home. The family of his friend was one of the recipients of the cards I sent. When I dropped her off, the dad opened the door and thanked me for the lift and then said "Do you mind not sending us a Christmas card next year please? Just because it's embarrassing. We don't celebrate Christmas".
I'm a bit Hmm. I'm not religious and neither is this family but in our family we still celebrate and give each other gifts. I know this family quite well, we've been on holiday together and sometimes hang out at the weekend...I was aware that they don't celebrate Christmas but thought a card would be gladly received as it's also wishing them well for the new year. AIBU to feel it's a bit of an odd thing to say?

OP posts:
Hohocabbage · 23/12/2018 00:46

But what if part of how I celebrate Christmas involves sending cards to my friends? The non-celebrators can non-celebrate by taking my card and binning it. One unwelcome missive a year is hardly harassment. The OP was in the act of bringing their bloody child home for them when they spoke to her like this.

bridgetreilly · 23/12/2018 00:47

Felling a bit puzzled and would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to feel like this.

Puzzled. Not upset. Not offended. Not embarrassed. Not humiliated.

I sent Christmas cards last week. Tonight my DS went out with his friends and asked me to pick him up and give his friend a lift home. The family of his friend was one of the recipients of the cards I sent. When I dropped her off, the dad opened the door and thanked me for the lift and then said "Do you mind not sending us a Christmas card next year please? Just because it's embarrassing. We don't celebrate Christmas".

Polite conversation: thanks for the lift.
Polite request: do you mind not...
Reason given: We don't celebrate Christmas

I'm a bit hmm. I'm not religious and neither is this family but in our family we still celebrate and give each other gifts.
That's fine for you to celebrate it despite not being religious. It's also fine for them not to celebrate it. It's their choice and the polite thing to do is respect other people's choices.

I know this family quite well, we've been on holiday together and sometimes hang out at the weekend...
Great. So you know that they are nice, reasonable, polite people, presumably?

I was aware that they don't celebrate Christmas but thought a card would be gladly received as it's also wishing them well for the new year.
And now you know they would prefer not to get one, so you can respect that preference next year.

AIBU to feel it's a bit of an odd thing to say?
YABU to feel this, yes. Unusual, I suppose, since not many people feel this way about Christmas cards, but since he does, and since you are friends, why wouldn't you want to know that he prefers not to receive them?

Pemba · 23/12/2018 01:08

I can sort of understand why he might prefer not to receive a card (perhaps he is 'embarrassed' because they have no intention of reciprocating) . And of course he has the right not to celebrate Christmas. But a normal person would have quietly recycled the card. There was no need for him to mention it to you really, and if he wanted to he should have picked his words much more carefully.

What he said came out as if you had done something wrong, when you haven't at all. He was clearly the rude/weird one, and lacking in social skills, amazing how many pps would have done similar to him apparently, if they are all for real.

QwertyLou · 23/12/2018 01:27

I had a thread on a similar situation last week - there were lots of really helpful replies which might be of interest (not sure how to link it sorry).

It sounds like the kids here are older than mine though and you send cards in the mail rather than kids handing out at nursery/school?

So I would just cross them off your Christmas card list for next year and the kids won’t even know or mind.

YANBU to feel a bit weird though - sounds like he could have asked more diplomatically. Just think of it as one less card to send next year Smile

PatricksRum · 23/12/2018 01:35

I remember Qwerty's thread.
A lot of CF's around that year.

Wednesdaymadness · 23/12/2018 01:36

I sent my Muslim colleague a card. He received it well. He joins in with works Christmas dinner and secret Santa etc.

I thin sometimes people are just wanting to make in issue out of things.

nutellalove · 23/12/2018 01:48

YANBU. I think it's strange. If they're so bothered by the card they can just bin it? Hmm surprised by the posts on this thread!

JingsMahBucket · 23/12/2018 01:49

Do the people yelling about atheists not understand what atheism is? It means that you opt of religion...hence why they don't celebrate Christmas. So, they don't want Christmas cards. How is this difficult to understand??

There are lots more atheists walking around than people realize it's just that their accepting your cards and then immediately throwing them in the bin. If they told you that, then they'd be called rude and all sorts of names even if they're usually "incognito" atheists. They can't win for trying. 🙄

WrapAndRoll · 23/12/2018 01:52

Where has anyone "yelled" about atheists? Confused

JingsMahBucket · 23/12/2018 01:56

At least a third of the posts are meanly speaking about atheists in a bigoted fashion with lots of exclamation marks to boot, hence yelling. Go back and read the past few pages.

WrapAndRoll · 23/12/2018 01:59

You don't catch religion from a piece of card. You just know a friend was thinking of you and sent you a greeting, that's all. Many people on here, atheist or not, have no problems receiving cards from traditions which aren't their own. So no, it isn't "obvious" that they wouldn't want one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/12/2018 02:20

I don’t believe in the god of the bible or other holy doctrines. There are many people like me and some may describe me as aetheist but I don’t like labels. I’m struggling to understand why an atheist needs to not celebrate Christmas. It seems so unfair on the children. Dds friend is Muslim and she feels very left out.

PatricksRum · 23/12/2018 02:54

@JingsMahBucket I'm an atheist. I don't have a problem receiving Xmas cards?

Yidette86 · 23/12/2018 05:09

Just because some people are ok with receiving cards doesn't mean everyone has to be Hmm

It's their choice and what are they supposed to do? Not say anything so the OP does it every year for it to be binned and a waste of time? I'd rather someone be honest with me than hear it possibly from their child and wonder why they didn't say anything.

Some of these responses are so pompous and strange.

Pemba · 23/12/2018 05:27

His response was not so much 'honest' as rude and weird, TBH.

Nonameslob · 23/12/2018 05:37

I don't celebrate Xmas but would not be offended if I received a card, it's kind that someone has gone to the effort to think of me. As some have mentioned feeling sorry for the children I just wanted to say as a child I was never in the slightest bit bothered not celebrating Xmas. I wonder if it's more to do with the parents way of handling it. At school I made a card, just not an Xmas one. We went for lovely walks, pub lunches, family games, watched films etc. We received presents throughout the year so never felt hard done by.
I do find some reactions odd when I say I don't celebrate Xmas. I recently said to a colleague I'd like to go to Bruges next December as it looks so beautiful with all the lights, food markets etc. She said but you can't as you don't celebrate Xmas! I love sparkle, pretty lights (fairy lights all year round in my home and garden) and food, it just so happens that this is the time of year that's all going on.

BusterGonad · 23/12/2018 05:39

He sounds like a complete dick tbh. I wouldn't bother with him again, he's obviously from the perpetually offended crew like most people these days!

The4thSandersonSister · 23/12/2018 05:56

Sounds like he's virtue signalling, and smug with it. I'd just be pleased to knock another card on the head to be honest. I'm down to 5 elderly relatives who reside overseas and do really appreciate Christmas & Birthday cards. They are an expensive redundancy these days, but I'd never be as rude to make a point of telling the sender that. Like unwanted presents cards should be received graciously and accepted in the spirit they were intended.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 23/12/2018 06:07

He has a right to ask you not to send a card and so you must respect his wishes. But I find it sad that even if he doesn't celebrate Christmas he cannot simply accept the good wishes of those who do.

MotherofDinosaurs · 23/12/2018 06:18

All the crazies who reckon that outright rejecting the simple goodwill of a Christmas card is normal behaviour..
So if a Jewish friend sent a happy Hannukah card. Or a Muslim friend said Happy Eid.. What? You'd reject their kind wishes on the grounds that you don't celebrate that festival? No. You do the polite thing and graciously accept the well wishes that people are nice enough to share with you without turning it into something embarrassing and unpleasant. YANBU OP, he sounds like a dick.

MerdedeBrexit · 23/12/2018 06:44

HalloumiGus - came on to post exactly the same as you! Also agree with those who think he was really rude, not the OP.

Sittinonthefloor · 23/12/2018 07:14

Yanbu. He could have said 'thanks for the card, I always feel a bit awkward not reciprocating, feel free to cross us off your list next year!

We live in a country with a large % of athesists, and a big chunk of nominally Christian people who never go to church, I'd guess that most people celebrating Christmas don't actually believe in a virgin birth etc. It's just the cultural midwinter festival in this country. Lots of the cards feature non-religious pictures and 'say seasons greetings' . Lots of the rituals are pre-Christian. he is being a knob.

I also don't believe that those saying he explained and you should be fine with that would actually be totally fine with being spoken to so rudely irl. It's the fact he said it was embarrassing - how pompous.

fartfacemcfartfaceface · 23/12/2018 07:37

Our neighbours who are Muslim always bring us gifts for eid which we always like and accept gratefully and in return we do the same at Christmas. I always think it's a nice gesture. If it's not their cup of tea though OP you know now for future reference not to bother.

Raspberry88 · 23/12/2018 07:39

*Since when did cards become evil? They are recyclable, and socially very useful,acknowledgements and cement relationships. Of course they are not vital, but they serve a purpose. Social purpose.

Which is quite important in an age where we are getting more selfish and less connected.*

I completely agree. I really love cards, a way of showing people that they're thought of.

katienana · 23/12/2018 07:45

I've sent a card to my neighbours who are Muslim. When it was Eid I said something like "enjoy the celebrations" when I saw them briefly. I wished them well for 2019 in the card and I sent the card to let them know I had taken a few minutes to think of them. I would find it rude if they came round and handed it back. If they don't want to display it they can bin it. It's only got a snowman on anyway.

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